Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Name: Todd Christensen
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Tight end
Value of card: It's value is the equivalent of picking up one yard on fourth down and 10
Key 1988 stat: 217 meaningful stares
It's a north-of-the-neck Matchup, featuring Todd Christensen's mustache and hairdo:

Round 1: Plushness (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Curliness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 3: Greasiness (Winner: Hairdo)
Round 4: More food stuck in it (Winner: Hairdo, actually)
Round 5: Respectability (Winner: Mustache)
Round 6: Makes the ladies swoon (Winner: Neither)
Round 7: More befitting the Raider Way (Winner: Mustache)
Round 8: Helps prevent concussions (Winner: Hairdo)

Final score: Hairdo 4, Mustache 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Christensen's mustache stood tall, but not nearly as tall as his curly pseudo-fro, which we're sure Todd in no way regrets at all.

Todd Christensen, 1988 Topps (Football Friday No. 221)

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Name: Phil Niekro
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pounds of wilted lettuce
Key 1978 stat: 1 big-league brother
Here's how Phil Niekro introduced himself in 1979:

• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I'm your garbageman."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I frighten children when I look at them."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I founded Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and you'll see me in your nightmares."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and all that hair is actually coming from my ears."
• "Hi, I'm Phil Niekro, and I like to knuckle things."

Phil Niekro, 1979 Topps

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Name: Greg Gross
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 dead frogs being eaten by maggots
Key 1988 stat: 9 straight hours locked in a construction site portable toilet
Let's see what Greg Gross stands for:

Grody dude
Rank undershirt
Elephant Man: also gross
Grimy glasses

Grungy look
Repugnant uniform color
Offensive odor
Scuzzy 'stache
Sickening resemblance to another Gross

Greg Gross, 1989 Fleer

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Name: Enrique Romo
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 pounds of compost
Key 1980 stat: 3 months spent as a compost collector
It's time for a disheveled pop quiz:

What does Enrique Romo have a problem with?

(A) Uniforms
(B) Razors and haircuts
(C) One itty-bitty earlobe sticking out
(D) Sub-par baseball cards
(E) Fake pirates
(F) You, punk
(G) All of the above

Enrique Romo, 1981 Fleer

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Name: Joe Pettini
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Shortstop, third base
Value of card: It's complicated
Key 1980 stat: You wouldn't understand
An ode to Joe Pettini: Joe, oh Joe. You're a complicated man. You dress like a cat burglar and carry the moniker of a salami maker. Andy Warhol, the master of the pop art movement, found your look so intriguing, so mesmerizing, that he painted the portrait above and sold it for a buck seventy-five when he was high on mescaline. Joe, oh Joe. How do you feather your mullet so? How can you see lunar pebbles on the moon with 14-pound glasses that make women swoon? Tell us the secrets of your mustache-like sideburns and sideburn-like mustache. Joe, fair Joe, thank you for being our work of art.

Joe Pettini, 1981 Topps

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Mark McGwire

Team: Oakland A's

Position: First base

Value of card: You know those plastic paint palettes that were handed out in first grade? One of those, dried up and broken into three pieces

Key 1995 stat: 74 hours looking directly at you

Don't look away: "Hey you! Yeah, you. It's me, Mark McGwire, and I'm staring you down. I'm here to do one thing: scare you straight. My icy-cold glare is peering deep into your frightened, fraudulent soul. You're a craven, and you need to stand up and be a man. You're terrified of me just as you're terrified of waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Stare into my dead, baby-blue eyes. Here's the message you need to internalize, the words you must never forget, the simple instructions that will turn you from a quivering coward into a fearless alpha male: Grow a mullet, you spineless jellyfish, and become a man, like McGwire."

Mark McGwire, 1996 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Name: Myron Guyton
Team: New York Giants
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: 6 shreds of Zubaz
Key 1990 stat: 71 straight hours cradling a football
Conversation between Myron Guyton and a Pro Line photographer, circa 1990:
Pro Line photographer: "Howdy, Myron. I'm here to take your photo."
Myron Guyton: "No ball."
PLP: "Ha. That's fine, Myron. All I need to do is snap a picture."
MG: "I said, 'No ball.'"
PLP: "OK, OK. You just hold onto that ball, buddy. Let me get set up here."
MG: "No. No. No. No ball."
PLP: "You keep the ball, Myron. Maybe just hold it more naturally."
MG: "No. My football."
PLP: "Don't you maybe want to hold it tucked between your arm and your side, like you're running with it?"
MG: "My ball. No ball for you."
PLP: "Fine. Your ball. Any chance you can shake out your Zubaz pants so we don't end up with a football card sporting a bulge?"
MG: "My bulge."
PLP: (sighs, shakes head, takes photo)

Myron Guyton, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 49)

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Kicker
Value of card: Even trade for a dirt sandwich
Key 1974 stat: 219 kicks (in the pants)
Some of the records held by Tom Dempsey:

• Most cheeseburgers eaten in a quarter
• Volume of handlebar mustache in a game
• Number of women and children frightened in a season
• Least number of toes vs. most field goals in a career
• Most members of a biker gang mistaken for in a life

Tom Dempsey, 1975 Topps Record Holders (Football Friday No. 207)

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Luis Aquino
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1/22,100 of the cost of those gold chains
Key 1990 stat: 18 pounds of jewelry
Some things you might not know about Luis Aquino:

• His mustache was so razor-sharp he used it to shave off his sideburns.
• His mullet alone qualified him to be a ranchera singer.
• In this photo, he was staring down Mr. T in a chain-intimidation attempt.
• He had as many holes in his cheek as he did in his jersey.
• He went on the 15-day disabled list with neck fatigue.

Luis Aquino, 1991 Upper Deck

Ken Phelps, 1987 Donruss

Name: Ken Phelps
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: 3 ounces of Seattle rainwater
Key 1986 stat: 9 inches of mustache
It's time for yet another pop quiz:

Why is Ken Phelps so happy?

(A) It's Pocket Protector Night at the Kingdome.
(B) He just won first place in the Best Lip Foliage of Seattle contest.
(C) He's penciled in as the designated hitter, allowing him to do math equations for most of the game.
(D) He always gets a kick out of wearing his Groucho glasses.
(E) All of the above.

Ken Phelps, 1987 Donruss

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Name: Rich "Goose" Gossage
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Closer
Value of card: 11 goose feathers
Key 1985 stat: 28 men beaten up with just a stare
Here's why you shouldn't mess with the Goose:

• His mustache won't even ask Goose before strangling you.
• He wears dope shades so his stare alone doesn't force you into the fetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.
• He might be the only man alive who could make that nickname sound manly.
• He's Rich, beeyatch.

Rich "Goose" Gossage, 1986 Topps

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Name: Bruce Bochy
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Even trade for a 1988 Bruce Bochy Topps card (or, just discard it in the garbage)
Key 1987 stat: Size 8 head
It's time for a future-manager pop quiz:

Just how big is Bruce Bochy's head?

(A) It's so big, Baskin-Robbins used that helmet in a promotional giveaway and filled it with all 32 flavors.
(B) It's so big, he avoiding getting haircuts because he'd get charged double.
(C) It's so big, he has three brains crammed in there.
(D) It's so big, this card weighs 11 pounds.
(E) All of the above.

Bruce Bochy, 1987 Topps

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Name: Jim Fregosi
Team: California Angels
Position: Manager
Value of card: The yellow stitching from the halo in a sweat-soiled Angels hat
Key 1980 stat: 22 gold chains worn underneath jersey
It's time for a batting-practice pop quiz:

What has Angels manager the late Jim Fregosi so enraptured?

(A) He looked to his right and saw a man with more bodacious sideburns than his, and that man was an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(B) He looked to his right and saw a real angel, and that angel told him he should be an Elvis Presley impersonator.
(C) He looked to his right and saw a man dressed like Elvis Presley with an angel's halo and wings, and that man told him to keep growing his bodacious sideburns.
(D) He looked to his right and saw his reflection in a mirror, and thought, "Geez, I'm an Angel with Elvis Presley sideburns."
(E) All of the above.

Jim Fregosi, 1981 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 2)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Name: Kevin Ross
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken arrowhead
Key 1991 stat: Four diseases caught from dirty stairwells
It's time for a studly Caption: "His lips sensually parted, Chiefs defensive back Kevin Ross stares thoughtfully into the distance and flexes every muscle in his body while relaxing on a sticky Arrowhead Stadium staircase and wearing only a satiny-soft pair of athletic shorts and a few splotches of chest hair Wednesday in Kansas City."

Kevin Ross, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 5)

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)

Name: Sean Gilbert
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Less than that roll of quarters stuffed into Sean's pants
Key 1992 stat: 25 cat-calls
Blue and gold get bold: There it is. Where? I think that's pretty clear, friend. It taunts you, and you know you'll see it in your dreams tonight. It seems dangerous, bursting forth from where it usually rests, posing a threat to personal safety. That Starter jacket can't hope to cover it up, stopping well short of doing anyone any good. And those tight, lustrous pants never stood a chance of containing it. Does Sean Gilbert even know what's happening down there? Or is his tiny little head concerned with other matters, like aligning himself perfectly with the colors of the wall behind him? It doesn't matter      all that matters is that what has been seen cannot be unseen. That dangling shoe lace is almost certain to trip him up soon. What's that? Wait, what were you looking at?

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)