D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Name: David "D.J." Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken "DJ Hero" turntable
Key 1991 stat: 365 times reflecting on the day
D.J. Johnson's train of thought from 7:02 to 7:04 p.m., Aug. 3, 1991: "Wow, what a beautiful sunset. I bet it'll make my biceps look awesome. Wait, are my sleeves still rolled up? Yep, good. Lookin' good. ... I wonder how well my mullet will show up in this light. I mean, it'll be clear that I'm all business up front, but the ladies need to know about the party in the back. ... Too bad picture day is today. Another month, and this mustache would totally be filled in. Oh well, I'm sure my wrist brace will draw attention away from it. ... Is this guy done taking my photo yet? It was a lot of work spraying myself with all that water in order to look sweaty. I need a shower."

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Name: Rod Woodson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One wooden rod, jammed someplace unpleasant
Key 1994 stat: Used all of the tape on his fingers. All of it.
A literal interpretation of this gridiron masterpiece: Rod Woodson and his gigantic bulge run back an interception under a 5-mile-high bridge while hurdling a series of miniature goalposts planted in a series of parallel parking spots as floodwater from a far-off electrical storm threatens the surrounding barren landscape.

Rod Woodson, 1994 Fleer Pro-Visions (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 7)

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Names: Roy Gerela, David Ray
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Los Angeles Rams
Positions: Kickers
Value of card: Either 2 ounces of steel or 2 ounces of ram dung
Key 1973 stat: 432,101 practice kicks when other players were playing football
It's time for an edition of The Matchup that's a kick:

Round 1: Eyes the ladies could swim in (Winner: Gerela)
Round 2: Mullet that could stop bullets (Winner: Ray)
Round 3: Chin that appears to have been broken a few times (Winner: Gerala)
Round 4: A part that needed a rake instead of a comb (Winner: Ray)
Round 5: Bangs that were bangin' (Winner: Gerela)
Round 6: Look of a serial killer (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Played in a city that still has a professional football team (Winner: Gerela)

Score: Gerela 4, Ray 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: In a battle of placekickers, Roy Gerela took first place and proved that he knew how to score.

Roy Gerela and David Ray, 1974 Topps NFL Scoring Leaders (Football Friday No. 201)

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's hair-raisingly low
Key 1972 stat: One severe stomachache during a photo shoot
Here's what Dave Smith stands for:

Determined look on face actually caused by constipation
Attempted the Soaring Mushroom® by sticking his finger in an electric socket
Veiny forearms are a bit unnerving
Electing to use red and green for the type on this card was a solid choice

Sleeves are elegantly rolled in at the cuff
Masculine jawline had the ladies and Terry Bradshaw swooning
Inside that 'fro resides a family of groundhogs
Team leader in 1971 in touchdown receptions and clogged drains
Hairstyle was an inspiration for years to come

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Running back
Value of card: A case of malaria
Key 1972 stat: Apparently got very little blocking
Ten surprising facts about this turd of a collectible:
10) Not everyone who looked at this card was instantly blinded. It took months, even years, for some people to lose their vision because of it.
9) Larry Csonka's name is actually on the card      it's just hard to read because it's in yellow type on a light background, a hallmark of quality design.
8) The Steelers were just as surprised as you are that this game was played in a Miami city park just yards from a beach.
7) Despite all the reasons not to, Topps went ahead and used that four-line font on this cardboard gem.
6) It says "Pro Action," but it's really just a full-contact 2-on-2 pickup game with Csonka and Marv Fleming against Pittsburgh's Andy Russell and Mike Wagner.
5) Nonetheless, Csonka trucked in bleachers that went two rows deep. That's his wife in the back.
4) After this exhibition game ended, the crowd was treated to three rounds of bare-chested, bareknuckle boxing between Don Shula and Chuck Noll.
3) 11-year-old Danny Marino took the stunning photo on this keepsake.
2) The game was interrupted when Csonka started chasing after a passing ice cream truck, demanding a Drumstick.
1) Nobody won this game. But anyone who paid for this card definitely lost.

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Name: Barry Foster
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Running back
Value of card: A steel penny
Key 1993 stat: Zero smelting performed
Man of steel and stuff: Apparently, Barry Foster's wheels are made of steel. Here's what other parts of him are made of:

• Gut: Beer and whipped cream
• Reebok Pumps: Rubber, air and fungus (mostly in the toe)
• Goatee: Sharpie ink
• Socks: Corduroy
• Fingers: Sausages, from the looks of it
• Talent: Mirages
• Back: Something incredibly heat-resistant. That's just not safe, man!

Barry Foster, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 6)

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Name: Dick Shiner (stop it)
Team: Pitts. Steelers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A dab of shoe polish on your khakis
Key 1969 stat: Used green-screen technology before that was a thing
Conversation between a Topps photographer and Dick Shiner, circa March 1969:
Topps photog: "OK, sir, what's your position?"
Dick Shiner: "I'm the quarterback."
TP: "OK, great. Now, go ahead and act like you're throwing a pass, and I'll take some pictures."
DS: (Poses as seen above.)
TP: "Um, you said 'quarterback,' right?
DS: "Yes, that's right."
TP: "Hmm, OK, can you try to use your natural throwing stance? This looks a little stiff."
DS: "This is my natural stance."
TP: "Even how you're holding the ball?"
DS: "Yup."
TP: "Ohhhh-kay. Well, that's all I need, then. Oh, wait, I almost forgot to get your name, sir."
DS: "My name's Dick Shiner."
TP: "Excuse me?"
DS: "Dick. Shiner. S-H-I-N-E-R."
TP: "Sir, children collect these cards, so I'd appreciate it if you could tell me your actual name."
DS: (Pulls out driver's license, brusquely hands it to photog.)
TP: "Wow. You sure you wouldn't rather go by 'Richard'?"
DS: "No. People call me Dick, you little punk."
TP: "Right. You know, I'm sure they do."

Dick Shiner, 1969 Topps (Football Friday No. 145)

Thomas Everett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 15)

Name: Thomas Everett
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Safety
Value of card: Two cat's eye marbles
Key 1990 stat: 28-inch right biceps; 16-inch left biceps
Schoolyard talk with Mr. Everett: "What's up, kids? I'm Steelers safety Thomas Everett, and I'm a competitive guy. You want to race me on the monkey bars? You have no chance. You want a monkey-bar chicken fight? You'll go crying home to Mommy. You want play some marbles? I have a couple of steelies that will smash into your boulders before I snatch your whole collection. How about we climb a rope? I'm already at the top. A tree? I already broke off the branches and built a house. You want to see me on the slides? I have photo slides of my slides that show me sliding better than you've ever slid. Biker shorts contest? Look down; you already lost. See these lines in my hair? They represent the kids I already sent home with tears in their eyes and fear in their hearts. You don't want to see me on the playground, son. For real."

Thomas Everett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 15)

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Name: Gary Anderson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Kicker
Value of card: 1 bushel of shaved leg hair
Key 1990 stat: Despite what you'd think, zero hours playing futbol
Here are some addictions Anderson kicked after this card was printed:

• His addiction to short-shorts.
• His addiction to combing his hair.
• His addiction to the ThighMaster.
• His addiction to stuffing his pants with a third massive sock.
• His addiction to one-bar helmets.
• His addiction to dressing like this when he went clubbin'.
• His addiction to crushing men's skulls between his power-pole thighs.
• His addiction to kicking addictions.

Gary Anderson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 12)

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Name: Plaxico Burress
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Pigskin rash
Key rookie year stat: Felt comfortable wearing that headband at a photo shoot
Clearing up some rumors about this photo of Plaxico Burress:

• Plaxico Burress is not baked here. He is just squinting because his headband is too colorful.
• Burress did not sew himself a blanket of footballs. He's using them as a flak jacket so that he doesn't shoot himself.
• Burress did not consent to having this photo taken. It's just part of rookie hazing.
• Burress is not using a portable cooler as a backrest. Wait, yeah, actually, we think he is. That's weird.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Plaxico Burress, 2008 Upper Deck Rookie Photo Shoot Flashback (Football Friday No. 141)

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Names: Franco Harris, unnamed child
Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, O'Deas Valley Preschool
Positions: Fullback (retired), covered in own spit-up (always)
Value of card: One used Binky
Key 1990 stat: One birth, one beard
It's time for a man-vs.-child version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Childlike look in the eye (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Child's carefree attitude about grooming (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: No resemblance to a modern-day football player (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Tooth under pillow for tooth fairy (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Completely awestruck by a bunch of balloons (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Needs to, ahem, be changed (Winner: Tie)

Score: Harris 0, unnamed child 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: One was an old man, the other a tiny baby, but deep down, these two were more alike than different, which was reinforced by Harris and the unnamed child both wearing white onesies.

Franco Harris, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 7)

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Name: Charles Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Motion sickness
Key 1994 stat: Took 52 dance classes
It's a Football Friday pop quiz:

What's happening to Charles Johnson here?

A) He's doing the hustle to save humanity from a vortex of blue words
B) Never mind, he's just doing the hustle for the fun of it
C) He's being sucked into a whirlpool of statistics. And bad ones, at that.
D) He just hit 88 mph
E) He's getting Flaired.

Charles Johnson, 1994 Flair Wave of the Future (Football Friday No. 103)

Neil O'Donnell, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 1)

Name: Neil "Knight Raider" O'Donnell
Team: Pittsburgh Squealers
Position: Quarterback
Fright value of card: A spider bite
Key 1994 splat: Four spikes (not of the football)
Halloween Week returns from the grave: That's right, fright fans, thanks to popular demand (nearly 12 of you asked for it), we've brought back the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron for a second Halloween Week. What better way to start than with possibly the most confusing card in the set. For one thing, Neil O'Donnell here looks like a cross between a Tim Burton character and Braveheart. Second, his "monster" name is Knight Raider, even though he's not on the Raiders and he looks nothing like David Hasselhoff. And third, how is this a monster? Is he a zombie knight? Is he just really old and muscular? Why does he have chainmail AND short sleeves? And why, for lord's sake, is his helmet shooting out Cheez Whiz? Never mind. We don't want to know any more.

Neil O'Donnell, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2011 No. 1)

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

• To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
• To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
• To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here. 

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Name: Jerrol Williams
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers, maybe

Position: Practice squad linebacker

Value of card: Number of jersey holes - jersey number - Jersey turnpikes = 0

Key 1992 stat: Zero "power moves"

It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Jerrol Williams dressed like this?

(A) He's getting ready for the Miners-Tigers preseason high school football game.

(B) He just robbed a bank in a bad 1990s action movie.

(C) He's on his way back from a Chippendales event, at which he was known as "The Sack Machine."

(D) He's blind.

(E) All of the above

Jerrol Williams, 1993 Pro Set Power Moves (NFL Draft Weekend No. 4)

Andre Hastings, 1993 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 9)

Name: Andre Hastings

Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Position: Wide receiver

Value of card: Ask your sister

Key 1992 stat: One life-scarring photo session

Text from conversation between Andre Hastings and Upper Deck photographer, May 14, 1993:

Upper Deck photographer: "Good to meet you, Andre. I like your flattop. It's very radical."

Andre Hastings: "Thank you, sir. I've had it since I was a kid. My father used to rest his beer on it before he wee-wee'd in the closet."

UDP: "That's nice. Now please sit on your helmet."

AH: "Sit on my helmet? Why? Can't I run a route or catch a pass?"

UDP: "No, son, that's so 1991 Fleer. We here at Upper Deck like to show a player's, um, humanity."

AH: "OK, you're the professional."

UDP: "Great. You look good on that helmet. Now, spread 'em."

AH: "Excuse me?"

UDP: "Your legs. Spread 'em."

AH: "This is a football card shoot right?"

UDP "No, it's for Young Studs in Pads magazine. (awkward laugh) Of course this is a football card shoot."

(15 seconds of silence)

UDP: "Are you going to spread 'em or do I have to come over and do it for you, sweetie?"

AH: "Um, I think I should go get Coach."

UDP: "Don't be silly. We're just a couple of guys, having a good time, snapping a few pics. Care for a wine cooler?"

AH: "No ... no. Why do you have wine coolers in your camera bag?"

UDP: "Son, when you've been in this business as long as me you never know what's going to pop up. ... See what I mean. (points down)

AH: "You're a freak, man. I'm out. This is crazy."

UDP: "Hold on. Hold. Spread 'em ... annnnnnnd smile."

(Upper Deck photographer snaps photo)

Andre Hastings, 1993 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 9)

Rod Woodson, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 5)

Name: Rod Woodson

Teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Team Glamour

Position: Defensive back

Value of card: $24.98 for (1) 8x10, (2) 5x7s, (12) wallet-sized

Key 1990 stat: 2 ounces of blush

Glamour on the goal line: Rod Woodson was feeling down. He was coming off a Pro Bowl season, but his love life was in shambles. He tried blind dates, speed dating, church groups — nothing worked. His first step: grow a handsome mustache. Though he started drawing more looks from hard-working, steel-industry women, nothing came of it. Feeling depressed and queasy from eating a gallon of rocky road ice cream, Woodson made a cry for help. That cry? A call to 1-888-GLAMOUR. Sixty-four-year-old Betty Hendrickson answered the call, and changed the Hall of Famer's love life forever. "Come on down to the Three Rivers Strip Mall and we'll make you pretty," Betty said. Through tears and a mouthful of rocky road, Woodson thanked her. The next day, Woodson showed up, albeit a bit hesitant. But the silver-haired girls at Glamour Shots made him feel at home. They got him into a robe and trimmed his hairline into the patented "RazorBladeCut." They took cuticle scissors to his mustache and applied brushful after brushful of blush. They waxed his eyebrows and applied as subtle layer of lipstick. After the primping, complimenting and a glass of Korbel, in walked Mr. Pittsburgh Glamour Shots himself, The Amazing Manolito. Canon in hand, Manolito flattered Woodson until he blushed. The 5-foot-3 photographer took shot after shot, moving about the room with the grace of a ballerina. "Show me sensual," Manolito said. "Show me rugged. Show me steadfast." Woodson complied, and left the studio with a dozen wallet-sized shots and a swagger long absent.

Rod Woodson, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 5)