Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Name: Virgil
From: Pittsburgh, Pa.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: One sleeve
Key 1990 stat: Biceps twice as big as head
Down for the count: The Bust is primarily a bad baseball card site (and a site for bad baseball cards), but we have occasionally featured other sports. Soccer, hockey, tennis and even rowing have made appearances over the years. So has wrestling      just not the kind that offers monthly pay-per-view specials for $44.95. This week, we're righting that wrong and digging up some of the finest superstars the then-WWF had to offer in 1990. Good God almighty!

It's a pop quiz smackdown: Which of these descriptions best fits the man on the above card?

(A) Virgil was a Chippendale dancer who never heeded management's advice that he should shave his arms.
(B) Virgil was an ancient Roman poet whose greatest works included the epic "Aeneid."
(C) Virgil served as a bodyguard for Ted "The Million Dollar Man" DiBiase, and was later known as Vincent and, somehow, Curly Bill.
(D) Virgil is the loneliest man on the Internet.
(E) All of the above.

Virgil, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 1)

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: St. Louis Cardinal
Position: First base
Value of card: Watch as its value disappears!
Key 1998 stat: Whole lotta homers, whole lotta supplements
One-stop shot shop: Most of us remember that McGwire magic back in 1998. Here are a handful of places where you could buy your own.

• From that guy with all the backne at the gym
• At Jose Canseco's rummage sale
• From that big German dude who works at the GNC on Tuesdays
• Ask Sammy Sosa and A-Rod. They might know.
• Two words: Vic Conte

Mark McGwire, 1999 Ultimate Victory

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Plus Lasting Memories

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Your worst childhood memory
Key 1997 stat: Yet to be called "Pay-Rod" or "A-Roid"
Misty, water-colored memories: A-Rod sure has provided baseball fans with a lot of memories over the years. Here are a few, most of which we didn't make up:

• That time he single-handedly broke the baseball salary structure
• That time he hit that home run off that guy
• That time when his lips were purple
• That time he and Cameron Diaz grossed everyone out with popcorn
• That time he got a shot in the behind from Anthony Bosch
• That time he nibbled on a fan's ear
• That time he and Bud Selig decided whether his suspension would be upheld by wrestling barechested in oil

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Plus Lasting Memories

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1997 stat: Had yet to piss off baseball fans everywhere
A handful of other things just as "natural" as A-Rod:

• Crop circles
• Spider-Man
• Manti Te'o's college girlfriend
• The jackalope
• Pyramid schemes
• Barry Bonds

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Pinnacle Naturals

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Names: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden and Roger, um, "Super K" Clemens
Teams: New York Mets and Boston Red Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One staged handshake
Key 1986 stat: So, so many illegal substances
Let's get these two disgraced aces into a Matchup:

Round 1: Looking at the camera (Winner: Tie     neither)
Round 2: Bulge (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 3: Future drug-related controversies (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Future loathing from two fan bases (Winner: Super K)
Round 5: Actual nickname used on card (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 6: About to fall asleep (Winner: Dr. K)
Round 7: Better record in the 1986 World Series (Winner: Super K     0-0, compared to Dr. K's 0-2)

Final score: Dr. K 3, Super K 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Clemens seemed doomed from the beginning, considering Fleer just made up a nickname for him on this card. Really, Fleer, you never heard of "The Rocket"? Still, it was a close battle, with Gooden's bulge helping to provide the winning margin. At least Buckner wasn't to blame this time.

Dwight Gooden and Roger Clemens, 1987 Fleer Superstar Specials

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Name: Lyle Alzado
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 82 piles of bronco leavings
Key 1971 stat: Always a little gassy
Hope you're hungry, because it's recipe time: Here's how to make a delicious meal of fettucine Alzado.

200 pounds of Adam Richman, the guy from "Man Vs. Food"
100 pounds of Chunk from "The Goonies"
1 pound of cold, wet noodles
82 cups of heavy cream
82 cups of grated Parmesan cheese
82 syringes of anabolic steroids

Mix all the ingredients together on a well-worn high school football field, then serve it to a bunch of sweaty offensive linemen. Note that they will likely suffer gastrointestinal issues, because no lineman can fully contain fettucine Alzado.

Lyle Alzado, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 154)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 20 cents off your next Glamour Shots session
Key 1991 stat: Wore no shirts more often than two shirts
Here's what Jose Canseco stands for:

Jock strap stuffed with tissue to impress the ladies
Once modeled for Jordache
Shoot, if only I could think of something that starts with "S"
Everybody should be on Twitter just to read this guy's insane thoughts

Crap kicked out of him during MMA bout
Are those long sleeves made of fabric or chain-mail?
Never exactly known for his modesty
Still nothing for "S"; oh, wait, I know! Scumbag!
Example of how not to cut your hair? See above.
Criminal history is almost as long as his book
Oakland is almost as glamorous as Jose's wardrobe

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair
Key 1991 stat: Dressed to the nines (minus eight)
Excerpt from early-'90s "MTV Cribs" forerunner "MTV Pads": "Hi, I'm Jose Canseco, and welcome to 'MTV Pads.' We're going to start today in my driveway so I can show off my sweetest new acquisition, this white Corvette convertible. I have to be at the ballpark almost every day, and I've found it's best to arrive in style. That's why, after I get there, I like to sit on the corner of the car door frame in my acid-wash Hammer pants and ripped-midriff sweatshirt      complete with a picture of a dude almost as buff as me on it      and think about how awesome my hair looks. Here, allow me to demonstrate. (Sits in pose seen above) Did I mention this ride has state-of-the-art fuel injection? Oh, speaking of injections, let's go check out my home gym. Er, not that any injections go on there. Ha-ha, that's weird, why did I say that? Um, maybe we should go to commercial."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Frank Thomas, Ken Griffey Jr., Roger Clemens, Roberto Alomar, Barry Bonds, Kirby Puckett, Mark McGwire, Juan Gonzalez
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Seattle Mariners, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, San Francisco Giants, Minnesota Twins, Oakland A's, Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, outfield, pitcher, second base, outfield, outfield, first base, outfield
Value of card: More bad than good
Key 1993 stat: Too many players on one baseball card
Heroes vs. zeros: In 1993, Upper Deck produced a subset called "Future Heroes" with cards featuring eight individual players, plus the above frightening checklist. These guys were among the best in baseball at the time, but did they pan out as heroes? Let's break it down.

Frank Thomas
The Good: .301 career batting average, 521 home runs. ... Was a South Side staple for 16 years. ... Advocated for drug testing in baseball as early as 1995. ... Had a video game named after him. ... Infectious smile. ... Awesome nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Video game wasn't all that great. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, he was a ladies' man and played with explosives in his bat. ... Sour end to his time with the White Sox. ... That's pretty much it.
Verdict: Hero

Ken Griffey Jr.
The Good: .284 career batting average, 630 home runs. ... Some of the most spectacular defensive plays you'll ever see. ... Made the Mariners relevant. ... Drove up interest among young people in baseball (until the strike, that is). ... Released a series of wines to help fund charities. ... Had a series of video games named after him. ... Pretty good nickname. ... Hall-of-Fame lock.
The Bad: Again, video games left something to be desired. ... Could have been the all-time home run king if not for all those injuries. ... Trade to the Reds stunned fans in Seattle and across the nation. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, posed for a quasi-adult magazine and starred in a mind-numbing TV show. ... Looks kind of shady on this card.
Verdict: Hero

Roger Clemens
The Good: 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts, career 3.12 ERA. ... Hmm, we'll have to get back to you on the rest.
The Bad: Steroid accusations, adultery accusations, throwing-a-bat-at-Mike-Piazza accusations. ... Completely torqued off at least two fan bases (Boston and Toronto). ... Once threw at his own son in a game.
Verdict: Zero

Roberto Alomar
The Good: .300 career batting average, 474 stolen bases, 210 home runs. ... Hall of Famer. ... Able to survive long winter nights in Canada.
The Bad: Spat in an umpire's face. ... Accused by two women, including his wife, of not telling them he had HIV. ... Made his brother play catcher all the time.
Verdict: Zero

Barry Bonds
The Good: .298 career batting average, 762 home runs, 514 stolen bases. ... While in San Francisco, his head grew large enough to shade his teammates at third base and shortstop, which is pretty nice.
The Bad: Steroids-palooza. ... Not exactly well-regarded by teammates, media, fans, children, dogs and four out of five dentists. ... Convicted of obstructing justice (and not David, either). ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was a career criminal.
Verdict: Zero

Kirby Puckett
The Good: .318 career batting average and one of the most memorable World Series home runs. ... Excelled as a big-leaguer despite being only 4-foot-2. ... Known for community service (other than keeping area restaurants in business). ... Beloved by Twins fans. ... Hall of Famer. ... Name was Kirby.
The Bad: According to Baseball Card Bust, became addicted to billiards and bad sweaters. ... Accused of abusing women who weren't Marge Schott. ... After retirement, couldn't stop eating, which contributed to his early death.
Verdict: Inconclusive

Mark McGwire
The Good: 583 career home runs, including a then-record-breaking 70 in 1998 that helped baseball recover from the strike scandal. ... One of the most storied mullets in all of professional sports history (see the above card for proof). ... Survived a massive earthquake by playing baseball. ... Appears to be depicted as one of the guys from Metallica on this card. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, was more patriotic than Uncle Sam and George Washington combined.
The Bad: Steroids, steroids, steroids. ... Spent time with Jose Canseco. ... Undid all that good work helping baseball recover from one scandal by starting another.
Verdict: Zero

Juan Gonzalez
The Good: .295 career batting average, 434 home runs. ...Overcame rough start in Puerto Rico that probably involved this slum lord. ... Pretty cool nickname. ... Even better mustache. ... And even better eyebrows, at least in the above card.
The Bad: In the Mitchell Report. ... Been married almost as many times as Larry King. ... Friends with George W. Bush. ... According to Baseball Card Bust, made a lewd gesture on a card.
Verdict: Zero

Synopsis: Congratulations if you're actually still reading this. But no congrats to Upper Deck, which misfired on six of its eight "future heroes." Nice work, guys. What, you couldn't fit Rafael Palmeiro and Lenny Dykstra on here?

Future Heroes Checklist, 1993 Upper Deck

Miguel Tejada, 2002 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Miguel Tejada
Team: Oakland's A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: What's the "Mona Lisa" worth? That number minus itself
Key 2001 stat: 47 hours posing for portrait
Ending a dreadful week with a touch of class: Hold on, Donruss. Just who the hell do you think you are? You spent our childhood years regurgitating laughable illustrations by the renowned artist Perez for your Diamond Kings sets, and now you're giving collectors a restrained realist portrait bathed in warm earth tones and marked by the subject's subtle expression? You're out of line. You think Donruss Diamond Kings fanboys want an evocative artwork whose straightforwardness and simplicity make it an ironic avant-garde in comparison with two decades' worth of Crayola hack jobs? Get your priorities straight, Donruss; this Diamond Kings card is dreadful in its discretion.

Miguel Tejada, 2002 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's a stretch to think it has any value
Key 1996 stat: Cheated
North-of-the-border quiz time: What's The Rocket doing here?

A) Tebowing
B) Preparing for an injection
C) Showing off his badonkadonk
D) Looking like a d-bag
E) All of the above

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One carat carrot
Key 1991 stat: 10 inches of mullet
Big winner: Upper Deck saw fit to name Jose Canseco "Best Athlete" in its 1992 Diamond Skills subset. Here are some other awards Canseco has claimed in his life:

• Customer of the month, May 1991, Big Jim's Syringe Mart
• Hair of the year, 1993, Mullet Fancy magazine
• May Have Already Won $10,000,000, Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes
• New York Times Best Selling Author, 2005
• Best Jose, 1985

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills

Roger Clemens, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A free anger-management class
Key 1986 stat: One made-up statistic
Answer us this: What's got Roger Clemens dropping F-bombs in the above photo?

A) Fleer got his ERA wrong (2.48 in '86,  3.29 in '85).
B) The photog just asked him to pronounce Bucky Dent's name.
C) He's just suggesting a way for Dave Winfield to fill his leisure time.
D) Just got his first look at Mindy McCready.
E) 'Roids, bro. 'Roids.

Roger Clemens, 1986 Fleer Baseball's Best

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four used sock stirrups
Key 1991 stat: One needle-marked backside
Yuk, yuk, yuk: How many Jose Cansecos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to inject the bulb-changer with "supplements" and one to write a tell-all book about how he and every other bulb-changer were on said "supplements."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Name: Barry Bonds
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used syringe
Key 1990 stat: Normal-size testes
We've got questions, you've got answers:

What crime was Barry Bonds accused of before this mug shot was taken?

A) Facial hair fraud — that thing is drawn on, and poorly at that
B) Reckless smirking
C) Grand theft crappy personalized necklace
D) It's (cream and) clear, isn't it?
E) All of the above

Barry Bonds, 1991 Score The Franchise

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One broken colored pencil
Key 1990 stat: 32 inches of chin
The illustrated man: This card is absurd. Look at how out proportion parts of it are! The size is wrong, the shape is wrong, and the ghosts in the dugout scare us a little bit. At least they got Jose Canseco's head size right. Wait, you thought that's what we were talking about earlier? No, no. We meant Canseco's shoes. They're so tiny and wrinkly! His head size and mullet, of course, are only slightly off.

Jose Canseco, 1991 Score All-Star

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Seven Joses
Key 1989 stat: One earthquake survived
It's science: If you're viewing this card in standard 2-D, it may look like seven Jose Cansecos have been Photoshopped on top of each other, each slightly larger than the last. However, for just $19.95, you can see this card in glorious 3-D! In three dimensions, you'll be able to perceive the following features:

• The needle sticking out of Canseco's backside.
• Mark McGwire's disgust
• Baseball's dignity dying a slow, painful death.
• Bulge, bulge, bulge!
• The last time the A's were relevant.

Jose Canseco, 1990 Fleer League Standouts