Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, slouching
Value of card: A piece of an ear
Key 1981 stat: One intentional walk
More fun facts about baseball's Mike Tyson and "Iron" Mike Tyson: 

• Iron Mike was the star of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out." You didn't need to be a star to punch out baseball Mike at the plate.
• Iron Mike's bicep measured 16 inches. Baseball Mike's boiler was more than triple that.
• In his free time, Iron Mike likes to care for pigeons. Baseball Mike's only friend growing up was a yellow parakeet named Butter.
• Iron Mike has a tattoo on his face. Baseball Mike appears to have a marmoset on his face in the above photo.
• Iron Mike once said he wanted to eat an opponent's children. Baseball Mike once ate four boxes of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting.
• Iron Mike starred in a short-lived reality series on Animal Planet called "Taking on Tyson." Baseball Mike watched a couple of episodes on his couch.

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Name: Dickie Thon
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 2 stretched-out stirrups
Key 1988 stat: 76 bunt attempts
Here's what Dickie Thon stands for:

Didn't mind being called "Dickie," which is awesome.
In terms of bulge, this guy led the Padres.
Chuckles over his name were common.
Kind of looked like that waiter at the Italian restaurant.
Inside the clubhouse, he played "The Thon Song"
Even his wife couldn't get those stirrups off him.

Thought he was playing pool when he got in the batter's box.
Held the bat like a real pro when bunting.
Only player on the Padres who liked the 1980s uniform colors.
Never met an extra-large cup he wouldn't wear.

Dickie Thon, 1989 Donruss

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 fans blinded by Koosman's baby-blue uniform
It's time for a Twin Cities edition of The Caption, which absolutely did not appear in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in the early 1980s: "Jerry Koosman, center, of the Minnesota Twins stands motionless for the third of five hours while frightening dozens of fans who dare cross the path of his evil devil stare before a game — which he wouldn't play in mainly because of his age but also because his manager held a grudge after Koosman once told him he got his last name when he was dating the manager's daughter —  at Metropolitan Stadium against the Detroit Tigers when it was 22 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of 11 on Tuesday in Minneapolis."

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Eric Davis
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A (Diamond) King's randsom (sooo, nothing)
Key 1986 stat: 67 yards rushing
Please calm down, Mr. Davis: Man, Eric Davis is heated. Look at the guy. He's ready to jump through the card and rip off your face. But you're not to blame. He's upset with the esteemed Dick Perez, the artist behind hundreds of Diamond Kings, including this one. You have to understand, Mr. Davis doesn't like the insinuation that he plays tennis, checkers or "Tron," as the background of the card seems to imply. He doesn't like the misshapen stirrups on the misshapen legs of his miniature self. And he definitely doesn't like being portrayed as an angry guy. That makes him friggin' furious. Grrrr.

Eric Davis, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Name: Willie Stargell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Two of those ironed-on stars on his cap
Key 1980 stat: 16 inches of stirrups
It's time for The Caption, which most likely did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Hall of Famer and Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Willie Stargell (center) sinks under the weight of his massive flip-down sunglasses while wearing a bumblebee Halloween costume featuring a Little League cap, a YMCA-turned-Goodwill wristband and stirrups long enough to serve as a car's timing belt during a game against the Cubs in the laughably cold Windy City weather in April 1980 at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Tuesday or maybe Wednesday."

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Aldrete
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Outfield in the logo; infield on the card
Value of card: It's low; way lowwwwwwww
Key 1989 stat: 2,861 people staring at him when he walked around Old Montreal like this
It's time for a Canadian pop quiz:

Just how low did Mike Aldrete go?

(A) So low, any lower and his bulge would have scraped the ground.
(B) So low, his knees locked and he was stuck in this position for the rest of his life.
(C) So low, it distracted fans from seeing he was constantly making an inappropriate gesture with his fist moving back and forth toward his cheek.
(D) So low, it was lower than the value of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Mike Aldrete, 1990 Upper Deck

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Name: Steve Renko
Team: Um, Angels, we think
Position: Pitcher. Yeah, must be pitcher.
Value of card: It's clear it's worthless
Key 1981 stat: 17 double-jointed tricks
Acute vision: Let's take a moment to salute Fleer. The card company wasn't afraid to take a risk in 1982. When other companies were worrying about giving collectors cards that were in focus, Fleer made a point not to bend to expectations. The brass at the card company knew a gem when they had one, and they wouldn't let such trivial things as common sense or the minimal standards of photography get in their way. Conventions and clarity be damned, they said. Because they knew that when they had a bulge shot like this, they had to get it in the hands of as many collectors as possible.

Steve Renko, 1982 Fleer

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Name: Kelly Gruber
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Third base
Value of card: 5 crotches, er, cents
Key 1990 stat: Ultra proud of his man zone
Well, hello: Easy there, Kelly Gruber. You're coming on a little strong. Let's start by removing your crotch from our faces. Yeah, we get it, third base isn't just your position, it's your way of life. Still, the kids might see what you're doing here and get confused. No, no, we're all impressed by your flexibility. It's just that this is neither the appropriate time nor place for such aggressive junk-thrusting. So just take a step back, and let's start over. Nope, it's still there. Nope. Still there. That's it, we're calling the cops.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Kelly Gruber, 1991 Fleer Ultra

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Name: Chris Chambliss
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: First base
Value of card: No
Key 1981 stat: Zero action (from the ladies)
A handful of things that have more action than the above Chris Chambliss card:

• "The English Patient"
• Sitting
• Watching paint dry
• Watching another person watch paint dry
• Beige
• The Jacksonville Jaguars' offense
• This Rollie Fingers card

Chris Chambliss, 1982 Topps In Action

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Name: Andre Dawson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two (refried) beans, one ball (stitches ripped out; peed on by a dog)
Key 1986 stat: Hit by pitch six times
It hurts to be The Hawk: Oh, man. It's tough being Andre Dawson. You had to start your career in French-speaking Montreal and you tore up your knees during your prime on artificial turf that was more like concrete than grass. Then you went to the Chicago Cubs, who fielded laughable teams and continued the Curse of the Billy Goat when you should have been a star on the national scene. Somehow, you played through the pain in your knees and the pain of being a Cubbie and won an MVP award in 1987. Yet, despite all that — and somehow looking like a pro athlete in those Little League Cubs uniforms — your 1987 Classic card features a photo taken at the moment you're getting plugged in the face with a fastball. Ouch. Maybe it's just us, but a Hall of Famer deserves a little more respect. On the other hand, those are pretty weak break-dancing moves.

Andre Dawson, 1987 Classic

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Name: Mario Mendoza
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Infield
Value of card: Well below .200
Key 1980 stat: .245 batting average (True! Take that, a-hole haters!)
Let's take a look at Mario Mendoza, By the Numbers:

.200: The Mendoza Line, named for Mario Mendoza
.215: Mendoza's career batting average
.015: Batting average points that humanity will never acknowledge

.180: 1975 batting average
.185: 1976 batting average
.198: 1977 batting average
.563: Combined batting average of all three years, if you add them, like Mendoza would when talking to ladies, rather than average them

.200: Baseball's Mendoza Line
200: References to the "Line" that Mendoza hears each week
200: Generations of the Mendoza family who will suffer in shame from the label

Mario Mendoza, 1981 Donruss

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Name: Dwight Evans
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Right field
Value of card: Coffee grounds from the garbage can
Key 1986 stat: Got the worm
Opening Day overachiever: As noted on the above card, Dwight Evans holds the record for the earliest home run in a season, hitting one out on the first pitch of the first game of the year. Here are some other records and achievements that belong to Evans:

• Earliest bulge, season
• Most times called "shotgun," lifetime
• First beer chugged, Roger Clemens' 23rd birthday party
• First person to touch Mookie Wilson's 10th-inning grounder, Game 6 of the '86 World Series
• Caused the most collectors to say, "That deserves a card?" all time

Dwight Evans, 1987 Topps Record Breaker

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Name: Herb Washington
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Pinch Run. (period)
Value of card: 1 Washington (dollar) minus 99 Lincolns (pennies)
Key 1974 stat: Zero pitches seen
Steady your stomachs, it's time for another Bust recipe:

Pinch of Fresh Herb Washington
1 pinch of fresh rosemary
2 pinches of fresh thyme
3 pinches of fresh oregano
4 pinches of fresh sage
5 pinches of already chewed Skoal
1 dollar bill
Bucket of tears

Mix the fresh herbs, the sickening Skoal and the dollar bill in the bucket of tears. Shake mixture and pour it on the base path, not letting any near the batter's box — ever. Wait for it to do nothing and dry up. Enjoy in an empty stadium in front of as many fans as you'll ever have.

Herb Washington, 1975 Topps

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 shots of saliva, poured into 11 shot glasses, all warmed in microwave
Key 1988 stat: Zero athletic-looking wind-ups over the course of the season
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Seattle Times in 1989: "Jerry Reed of the Seattle Mariners mimics a legitimate pitcher for a few laughs from fans off to the side of an actual baseball game while sticking out his tongue in an attempt to pretend he was concentrating on his wind-up, though it was obvious to anyone watching that the only thing he was concentrating on was looking as ridiculous as possible, on Wednesday at the Kingdome in Seattle."

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: Ace, desperado
Value of card: One god-awful fake cowboy hat
Key 1989 stat: Pitched on Mars, apparently
A night at the movies: Yes, those are baseballs where gun holsters are supposed to be. Rather than even attempt to process how that would work, here are some movie titles that might fit this card:

• Once Upon a Time in the AL West
• A Fistful of Robin Ventura's Hair
• The Magnificent 34
• 3-0 Bravo
• The Treasure of Ruben Sierra's Madre
• The Good, the Bad and the Nasty
• True Spit
• Not-So-Young Guns

Nolan Ryan, 1990 Texas Ranger (or something)