Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Team: Calgary Flames
Position: Right wing
Value of card: A wet beer pong ball that has rolled under the couch
Key 1997-98 stat: Two sports mastered
Jarome Iginla's train of thought between 2:12 and 2:14 p.m., December 2, 1997: "Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Ping pong counts as a workout, right? ... Eye on the ball, that's it. ... Why is this creep taking pictures of me right now? ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Oh geez, my shorts are riding up my five-hole again. ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... I hope my overdeveloped left thigh doesn't look too weird right now. ... Eye on the      wait, what am I supposed to keep my eye on again? Ah, crap, that's game."

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

Name: Nino Espinosa
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 2 cents Canadian
Key 1978 stat: 2 trips to Canada (Expos series)
Nino Espinosa's train of thought from 12:44 to 12:45 p.m. September 17, 1978: "Man, Nino is looking good. I spent 45 minutes on my 'fro today, and another 10 minutes getting my hat to sit right, but it was worth it. When you're a big shot, like Nino, you have to look the part. Got my jersey buttoned up just right. Got my sleeves on and my mustache manicured. Nino's 'fro is glistening. Man, I'm so excited to be on a Topps card. Wait, what did the photographer say? This is a Canadian O-Pee-Chee card? What? All that primpin' and no American pimpin'? Nino got to call Nino's agent."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Nino Espinosa, 1979 O-Pee-Chee

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Name: David "D.J." Johnson
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One broken "DJ Hero" turntable
Key 1991 stat: 365 times reflecting on the day
D.J. Johnson's train of thought from 7:02 to 7:04 p.m., Aug. 3, 1991: "Wow, what a beautiful sunset. I bet it'll make my biceps look awesome. Wait, are my sleeves still rolled up? Yep, good. Lookin' good. ... I wonder how well my mullet will show up in this light. I mean, it'll be clear that I'm all business up front, but the ladies need to know about the party in the back. ... Too bad picture day is today. Another month, and this mustache would totally be filled in. Oh well, I'm sure my wrist brace will draw attention away from it. ... Is this guy done taking my photo yet? It was a lot of work spraying myself with all that water in order to look sweaty. I need a shower."

D.J. Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 51)

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Name: Howard Twilley
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An empty, unwashed can of tuna
Key 1973 stat: Two catches (not including the one on this card)
Howard Twilley's train of thought from 9:43 to 9:44 a.m., Aug. 4, 1973: "By the saints, what is this thing!? It looks like some sort of leathery dinosaur egg. Why did Griese throw it to me? I don't want to even look at this blasted object, let alone touch it. Oh heavens, it's causing all the veins in my right arm to swell to a grotesque size! Help me, Mother Mary, help me!"

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Name: Ray Childress, aka "Scarecrow"
Team: Boo-ston Oilers
Positions: Defensive line, out standing in his field
Value of card: Burned straw
Key 1994 splat: First time holding a pitchfork
Don't be scared: Welcome back, fright fans, to the greatest Bust tradition      no, not running the same old jokes into the ground, that's just our oldest tradition. Our greatest tradition is our annual Halloween Week, in which we feature seven of the spookiest sports cards ever printed and then run the same old jokes into the ground. Fair warning, though: This week will feature the last of the 1994 Monsters of the Gridiron cards, meaning Halloween Week may soon be in its grave. Now that's a scary thought.

Ray Childress's train of thought (if he only had a brain) from 4:10 to 4:12 p.m., June 4, 1994: "God, this is dumb. I mean, sure, the mask nearly made me soil myself the first time I saw it, but the rest of this outfit is terrible! Why are there birds on me? I thought scarecrows were supposed to keep birds away from the crops! Ugh, great, now this straw is starting to itch. Maybe if I use this fake pitchfork to scratch myself      NOPE! THAT'S A REAL PITCHFORK! OWWW! Lord, I need a cigarette." (Pulls out cigarette and lights a match) "Aaannnd I'm on fire. What did you do, Ray? OK, stop, drop and roll, baby, stop, drop and roll. There, it's out, thank God. The only thing dumber than lighting that match was agreeing to this stupid photo shoot in the first place."

Ray Childress, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 1)

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Name: Mitch Williams
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Closer
Value of card: All the holes in that mesh jersey, combined
Key 1991 stat: Needed to work on his forkball grip
Mitch Williams' train of thought from 12:11 to 12:13 p.m., March 2, 1992: "God, how long is this photo shoot going to take? I've been staring at this baseball for, like, 20 minutes. At this point, I'm more intimate with it than I was with the last girl who got this grip. ... Ugh, why did I go with my tightest headband? The top of my head is numb, and I think the my upper ears are starting to chafe. ... Ah well, at least my hair looks good. No, wait. At least my hair looks great! It's pitched forward farther than I was the last time Kruk and I split a case of Schlitz. ... Thank Christ, he finally got the shot. Ah crap, I can't move my fingers!"

Mitch Williams, 1992 Score Select

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Craig Biggio, Shelbee the dog
Team: Houston Astros, Houston Fleabags
Positions: Second base, family pet
Value of card: One lick from either of the above
Key 1992 stat: For Biggio, less fashion sense than his dog
Shelbee the dog's train of thought from 11:29 to 11:31 a.m., Feb. 2, 1993: "Dad, why are you spelling my name out for that stranger? And how many times do I have to tell you, it's 'Shelby,' with a Y. Only an idiot would use two E's. ... Oh, it's picture time? Great! You're going to change your clothes, right? Um, dad? You're not going to wear a tucked-in T-shirt and a brand-new white ball cap, right? ... No, let go of me! I can't be seen with you like this! Oh doggone-it, why are you sitting down? No, don't      no, don't spread your legs like that! Those jeans are tighter than my collar! Everyone will be able to see the Killer B's! ... Jeez, this is embarrassing. That's it, I'm pooping in your cleats."

Craig Biggio, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Name: LaMarr Hoyt
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One fancy-pants autograph
Key 1981 stat: 14,296 holes in his mesh jersey
LaMarr Hoyt's train of thought, 1:10 to 1:12 p.m., March 7, 1982: "My God, what is that smell? Is that the photographer? I wish he'd hurry up. Wearing all these sets of lapels is hot work, even in March. I sure do look good, though. Who cares if the colors don't match      collars are so in this year. But that stench is driving me crazy! Maybe it's just Florida. Or maybe Morrison's just smoking one of his 'supplements.' Guh, I think I'm gonna barf." (Leans over and dry-heaves, hair falls across his face) "No, that's worse! Wait, is it ... it that smell coming from my hair? Oh, gross! No wonder they've been calling me 'LaMarroma'! OK, that's it, I don't care if it has only been two months, I'm showering tomorrow."

Card suggested by Tyler Kepner

LaMarr Hoyt, 1982 Topps

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Alex Fernandez
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $2 off furniture from Target
Key 1996 stat: Awful proud of himself, isn't he?
Alex Fernandez's train of thought from 10:22 to 10:24 a.m., February 27, 1997: "This stool is really uncomfortable. Maybe if I just sit on the very corner of it. ... Ugh, that's a little better, but now it's violating my privacy. ... Finally, this guy's ready to take some photos. OK, I know, I'll show off both my four-seam grip and the side of my glove that has my name embroidered on it. I bet people will think that's real gold. ... Should I look at the camera? It might make me seem direct and honest. Or I could look at that fly on the ceiling. That might make me seem mysterious and aloof. You know, I bet I could hit it with the baseball." (Throws baseball) "Yeah, got him! Oops, the ball ricocheted and knocked out the photographer. Oh well, at least I can stand up now. Man, that hurt. That stupid stool knows me better than my own mother, now."

Alex Fernandez, 1997 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Third base (but only first base with that fan)
Value of card: Having something in common with Cameron Diaz
Key 2012 stat: Actually played in a few games
Train of thought of the fan standing in the center of the above photo, 2:10 to 2:11 p.m., June 12, 2012: "Holy wow, I still can't believe these seats. I can actually see the chili stains on Sabathia's uniform! All right, let's go boys      oh man, this foul is headed right for us! OK, steady, steady. No way A-Rod makes it over here on that hip. And reach! OH, OH GOD, WHAT IS IN MY EAR? Is that Rodriguez's tongue? And he's trying to hold my hand! What the (expletive deleted)! I don't care if he caught the damn ball, the dude just tried to taste my eardrum. Oh, so disgusting! And now I've got his weird purple lipstick all over my neck. This is even worse than the time I saw David Wells barf up what looked like a gallon of borscht behind the pitcher's mound."

Card submitted by Jeremy Porter, Collector Revolution

Alex Rodriguez, 2013 Topps SP

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Mariano Duncan
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Infield
Value of card: 50 cents? That's a stretch
Key 1994 stat: 42 games of Twister won
Mariano Duncan's train of thought from 5:12 to 5:13 p.m. July 18, 1994: "Oh, boy. I see you over there, lookin' good. You ever seen a real big leaguer like me? A-huh. That's right. Now you're looking my way. Well let me show you something. Let me show you what keeps the fans coming back game after game. And here we go, lift up. That's for you, sweetheart. And down. And up again. Yup, that's muy, muy Mariano, and it's all for you, honey. Down. And one more time. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. Oh, yeah. That feels good. So, Darren Daulton, what are you doing tonight?"

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Name: Darryl Talley
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One shirt, half off
Key 1991 stat: Much to be ashamed of
Darryl Talley's train of thought leading up to this photo shoot, June 17, 1991: "All right, photo time. Let's run down the checklist. Mustache finely groomed? Check. Bare-midriff shirt that I borrowed from one of the cheerleaders yesterday? Check. Most crotch-hugging pair of shorts I could pull on? Check. Belly button out? Check. Ability to put my hands on my hips, making it look like I have weird dents in my forearms? Check. Yes, let's do this!"

Darryl Talley, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 11)

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Name: Emmitt Smith, aka "Lone Star Sheriff"
Team: Callous Cowboys
Position: Running back
Fright value of card: Tetanus
Key 1994 splat: Wore sheet metal
Emmitt Smith's train of thought from 4:02 to 4:04 p.m., Feb. 23, 1994: "Well, looks like I'll be firing my agent. I mean, what the hell am I wearing right now? I'm holding a football that looks like a gigantic drill bit, they put makeup on me for no discernible reason, and my shoulder pads used to be part of a storage shed. Plus, they gave me a 10-gallon hat that spent most of its life as a 10-gallon pail. And since when is a sheriff a monster? Well, OK, Michael Irvin might think so, but I find that offensive! That's it, I'm protesting this shoot by making the saddest face I can."

Emmitt Smith, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 5)

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Name: Don Warren
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Tight end (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Even trade for three rides on a kiddie carousel outside the grocery store
Key 1990 stat: 78 pieces of clothing featuring a racist logo
Don Warren's train of thought from 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Sunday, Sept. 16, 1990: "Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Ball go high! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee!"

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Name: Mike Flanagan
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Positions: Pitcher, chillin'
Value of card: "Chillax, bro"
Key 1988 stat: 639 mesh holes
Mike Flanagan's train of thought from 7:17 to 7:19 p.m. Aug. 21, 1988: "Aw, man, I love this game. Nothing like sitting in the dugout, chewing some seeds and combing my 'stache. Boss man thinks I'm lazy. Go figure. So I'm just hanging out, using the old mullet as a pillow. Big deal. This ain't my day to pitch. What, they want me hanging over the railing like some rook, pretending I'm interested in the Blue Jays? Huh, slim chance. Despite this sign behind me, this is barely a baseball club. There's too much blue in this dugout, and I prefer my birds in the orange-and-black variety. And I prefer my bird teams of another flock. That's right, until I get back south of the border, it's chill time, bro."

Mike Flanagan, 1989 Topps

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)

Name: Jim Covert
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: 11 pine needles
Key 1990 stat: 10 hiding places
Jim Covert's stream of consciousness from 1:12 to 1:14 p.m. March 14, 1991: "Nope, they'll never find me. For I am Jim Covert, the most covert of operatives the NFL has ever seen. I'll hide here, under this tarp. ... Drat! The photographer found me. I'll hide here, in this pile of dirty jockstraps. ... Foiled again by this blasted photographer. I'll hide here, behind this tree and within this tackling sled. ... Darn it all to heck, he found me again. Well, take your picture, my esteemed sleuth, for I am Covert, the man of a thousand hiding places, and no one will ever see me behind this mustache, under this beanie or wrapped up in 12 pounds of jacket."

Jim Covert, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 2)