Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tom Goodwin
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 11 blades of grass
Key 2000 stat: 14 fly balls missed in the sun
It's time for a reflective pop quiz:

What's that reflected in Tom Goodwin's sunglasses?

(A) Teammates visibly ridiculing Goodwin for his oversize sunglasses.
(B) His optometrist.
(C) Oakley's entire marketing department.
(D) A sports card photographer taking the worst shot of his career.
(E) All of the above.

Tom Goodwin, 2001 Fleer Ultra

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's in the red
Key 1997 stat: 72 hours spent fake stretching
It's time for a "Prime Time" pop quiz:

What's the biggest stretch on this card?

(A) Those shades.
(B) Deion's attempt at a pregame work ethic.
(C) Deion as a baseball player.
(D) That dude in the back right clearly doing whatever he can to make a mockery of this card.
(E) All of the above.

Deion Sanders, 1998 Score

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ron Davis
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's less than zilch? Zilch minus 1? Yes, zilch minus 1, that's what this card is worth
Key 1980 stat: It's unclear
Let's see what Ron Davis stands for:

Resolution of this card is tremendous
Obviously, quality was job No. 1 for Donruss
Negatives of this card: Innumerable

Did the photographer try to color-correct a negative?
Another example of the attention given to photo sharpness in early 1980s baseball cards
Viewing this card makes you think you've been drinking
It's like you're looking at this card through Ron Davis' glasses
Steinbrenner tried to fire the entire Donruss executive team after seeing this card

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Al Cowens, 1984 Mother's Cookies insert

Name: Al Cowens
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: About 2 1/2 minutes of personal flexibility training
Key 1984 stat: Fan-favorite third base coach (OK, maybe second favorite)
The freaks come out at night: When the post-game lights dimmed inside the Kingdome (RIP, our concrete-roofed friend), the evening wasn't over for Al Cowens. It ain't till the 12th inning that the party really starts. Alfred E. played for four teams during his 12-year career, racking up a lifetime .270 batting average and a .984 third-base percentage, with the ladies. Al did it in the park, and Al did it in the dark.

Card and words submitted by actual Alaskan Chris Sergeant

Al Cowens, 1984 Mother's Cookies insert

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Mariano Duncan
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Infield
Value of card: 50 cents? That's a stretch
Key 1994 stat: 42 games of Twister won
Mariano Duncan's train of thought from 5:12 to 5:13 p.m. July 18, 1994: "Oh, boy. I see you over there, lookin' good. You ever seen a real big leaguer like me? A-huh. That's right. Now you're looking my way. Well let me show you something. Let me show you what keeps the fans coming back game after game. And here we go, lift up. That's for you, sweetheart. And down. And up again. Yup, that's muy, muy Mariano, and it's all for you, honey. Down. And one more time. Stretch. Stretch. Stretch. Oh, yeah. That feels good. So, Darren Daulton, what are you doing tonight?"

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Mariano Duncan, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Name: Roger Clemens
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's a stretch to think it has any value
Key 1996 stat: Cheated
North-of-the-border quiz time: What's The Rocket doing here?

A) Tebowing
B) Preparing for an injection
C) Showing off his badonkadonk
D) Looking like a d-bag
E) All of the above

Roger Clemens, 1997 Score Hobby Reserve

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Name: Barry Sanders
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Running back
Value of card: Bag of poop (also the first-place prize in photo contest)
Key 1989 stat: 14 pounds of hand tape
It's an apt time for the return of The Caption: "Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders, above, becomes slightly aroused when Cleveland Browns strong safety Felix Wright starts to slowly undress him on the field while the two erstwhile lovers participate in a "sensual photo" contest Wednesday in Pontiac, Mich."

Barry Sanders, 1990 Pro Set Hall of Fame Photo Contest (Football Friday No. 104)

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)

Name: Jeff Burris
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: Three blades of grass
Key 1993 stat: Four game minutes spent standing up on the field
It's time for a down-and-dirty pop quiz:

What the hell is Jeff Burris doing on the ground?

(A) Finishing up a hot date with the 30-yard line.
(B) Hiding an embarrassing, ahem, protuberance brought about by Bruce Smith's legs.
(C) Taking a bet he can't get three cleats "where the sun don't shine."
(D) Stretching ... the limits of heterosexuality.
(E) All of the above.

Jeff Burris, 1994 Bowman (Football Friday No. 85)