Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Name: Jim Kelly
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 3 ounces of tobacco spit (from 1985)
Key 1985 stat: 3 ounces of tobacco spit put in a bottle and forgotten until 2013
10 bigger douches than Jim Kelly in 1985:
10) Can't think of one.
9) No human equivalent comes to mind.
8) Actually, it's impossible.
7) No chance.
6) Can't happen in this universe.
5) Nonsensical question.
4) C'mon, look at the guy.
3) Nope, not even the esteemed Mr. Douchy von Doucherson.
2) OK, OK, we got one: An actual jumbo size Summer's Eve Douche Fresh Scent box
1) And, yes: The reflection in the mirror when Kelly looks at it.

Jim Kelly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 6)

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Name: Joe Torre As Player, Joe Torre As Manager
Teams: Milwaukee Braves, New York Mets
Positions: As Player, As Manager
Value of card: Three overexposed negatives
Key 1977 stat: Four letters of childlike cursive written on his own card
It's time for a then-and-now battle in The Matchup:

Round 1: Face only a mother could love (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Resemblance to great mediocre ape (Winner: As Manager)
Round 3: Butt chin prominence (Winner: As Player)
Round 4: Raccoon eyes (Winner: As Player)
Round 5: Wings that could fly that massive dome around the world (Winner: As Manager)
Round 6: 2 o'clock shadow like it's 11 o'clock (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ability to bench the other if the laws of physics are broken and the space-time continuum ceases to exist (Winner: As Manager)

Score: As Manager 3, As Player 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: Given that this was Joe Torre squaring up against Joe Torre, it's no surprise the battle was close. But in the end, the Hall of Fame manager outshined his younger self with a heaping helping of face and hair handles that just won't quit.

Joe Torre, 1978 Topps

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Name: Bob Stanley
Team: Boston Red Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Uhhhhhhh ...
Key 1988 stat: No wild pitches in the World Series
Actual conversation between Donruss photographer and Bob Stanley before the above photo was taken:

Donruss photog: "Good afternoon, Mr. Stanley, are you ready to have your photo taken?"
Bob Stanley: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Um, is that a yes? And you should close your mouth      you'll catch flies. Ha, just kidding!"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "Ohhhh-kay! I'm just gonna go ahead and snap a couple shots. That is your index finger sticking out of your glove, right?"
BS: "Uhhhhh ..."
DP: "Riiiight. Mr. Stanley, are you feeling OK? Do you smell oranges?"
BS: "Uhhhhhh ..."
DP: "ARE YOU HAVING A MEDICAL EMERGENCY? All right, you just stay here. I'll see if I can find the team doctor."
BS: "Uhhhh ..."

Bob Stanley, 1989 Donruss

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: A black void of value
Key 1991 stat: 3,212 conversations with himself
A Giant introduction: "Well, hello. I didn't notice you there. Did you notice me? I thought so. Yeah, I'm just kicking back, relaxing, catching some rays under this blindingly bright light. You ever smell arm hair singed from above? Now you have. By the way, how do you like my jersey? Is it meshy enough for ya? Yes, I know. It's so holy in belongs in a synagogue. What's that? You think I should have shaved before this photo shoot? Pfft. I don't live by other people's conventions. That's why I'm sitting here, posing, with my jock strap outside my pants. You're welcome."

Matt Williams, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Name: Andy Benes
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A fish taco wrapper
Key 1990 stat: Slow to anger
Conversation between Studio photographer and Andy Benes, Feb. 22, 1991:
Studio photog: "OK, Mr. Benes, I was you to look angry now. Give the camera your meanest look."
Andy Benes: "Angry? Dude, I live in San Diego and make a living playing baseball. It's pretty hard for me to get mad."
SP: "Just give it a shot."
AB: "OK, here goes." (smiles into camera) "How is that?"
SP: "Umm, that's not really what I was looking for. Here, what happens if we do a little role playing? For instance, let's say I'm the opposing batter. How do you feel about me?"
AB: (Smiles into camera) "Whatever, you're probably not going to get a hit, and even if you do, who cares? San Diego rules! It's sunny and warm almost all year, and there are fresh fish tacos everywhere."
SP: "OK, I'm the ump and I've just thrown you out of the game and called your mother a prostitute."
AB: (Still smiling) "Sweet, fish taco time starts early! And everyone knows my mom's a saint."
SP: "An abusive cop? A scuzzball politician? Hitler? Nothing?! Hmm, wait a minute. Let's say I'm the barber, and I have orders to trim up that fine mullet you're growing back there?"
AB: (Smile falls off face) "What did you say? Look, mister, you take your unholy blades and get the hell out of San Diego, you butcher! Damn your eyes!"
SP: "Perfect, thanks!"

Andy Benes, 1991 Studio (Studio Saturday No. 54)

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

Name: Brian Meyer
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A clump of dog hair
Key 1990 stat: 14 games played (a career high)
Here's what Brian Meyer stands for:

Blue jersey provides visual respite from the yellow assault of the card's border.
Real possibility his undershirt is made of plastic.
It might have been nice to shave for picture day, Bri.
Also, get a haircut, you hippie.
Nice sunglasses tan.

Mustache is longer than his big league baseball career.
Ears are big enough to shade the rest of his face from the sun.
You don't remember this guy? That's funny, because ...
Everybody else says the same thing.
Reading his Wikipedia page takes all of three seconds.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Brian Meyer, 1991 Fleer

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Name: Garth Iorg
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: 1 Czech Republic Koruna (0.0553 U.S. dollar)
Key 1987 stat: 17 blue jays kept in his studio apartment
Time for a foreign pop quiz:

With a name like Garth Iorg, where does this second baseman hail from?

(A) Brno, Czech Republic
(B) The planet Grachevka, where the inhabitants' skin is mesh
(C) The Iorg 2B nebula, home of Garth light-hitting infielder cyborgs
(D) Arcata, Calif.
(E) None of the ... um, actually, it's D. Who would have thought?

Garth Iorg, 1988 Donruss

Danny Buxbaum, 1997 Bowman

Name: Danny Buxbaum
Team: Midland Angels
Position: First base
Value of card: Unfulfilled potential
Key 1997 stat: One awkward pose
A minor pop quiz:

What is Danny Buxbaum reaching out to catch?

A) A clean hat
B) A razor, hopefully
C) A wristband that will cover his entire forearm
D) A bus ticket back down to single-A
E) A more believable last name

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Danny Buxbaum, 1997 Bowman