David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: David Palmer
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One VHS cassette from 2001 with a couple episodes of "24" on it
Key 1988 stat: 29 lips chewed
Conversation between Phillies announcer Harry Kalas and pitcher David Palmer on June 21, 1988:

HK: "We're back, and we're talking to today's winning pitcher, David Palmer who held the Cubs to one run over seven innings today. David, thanks for joining us."
DP: "Dad? Is that you?"
HK: "No, David, this is Harry Kalas, the play-by-play announcer. Now, you looked great out there today, and it was perhaps your best start of the season. What was working for you today?"
DP: "It was great, Dad! I got a hit and they hardly got any! Plus, in between innings, Coach let me go in the clubhouse and play 'Space Invaders.'"
HK: "I see. Well, that's just about all the time we have to    "
DP: "Oh, wow, somebody stuck a lime on the end of the microphone. I'm gonna eat it!"
HK (over the sounds of Palmer chewing on the headset): "No, David! Dad says no! OK, we've got to go. See you tomorrow for more Phillies baseball."

David Palmer, 1989 Upper Deck

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jim Pankovits
Team: Houston Astros
Position: Utility infielder
Value of card: Slightly lower than the intelligence in his expression
Key 1988 stat: Used bats as antiperspirant
One refined individual: Ladies and gentlemen, today we present to you Jim Pankovits, a man of wisdom, class and gravity. Mr. Pankovits was renowned for his sense of self, and because of his unwavering maturity, he was looked to as a leader both on and off the field. All baseball players should strive to be more like James Franklin Pankovits, a true professional in every manner.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Pankovits, 1989 Upper Deck

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Todd Zeile
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One Zeile-yun dollars
Key 1990 stat: 1,052 times listening to Bell Biv Devoe
Interview transcript with Todd Zeile, circa 1990: 
Radio interviewer: "Welcome back, Cardinals fans, Mike Shannon here with the Mutual of Omaha Player of the Game Todd Zeile, who went 2-for-3 with the deciding homer today. He also took a pretty good shot to the noggin from Andre Dawson's backswing in the sixth, but toughed it out. Todd, you want to take off those headphones and tell me about that long ball?"
Todd Zeile: "Shh, shh, I'm listening to the postgame show! I think they're going to be talking to me this time! Ugh, too bad my head hurts."
RI: "Uh, Todd, this is the show. We're on live right now. So, how about that homer?"
TZ: "Come on, man, I can't hear the show with you yammering away like that. And can someone turn off that alarm clock! Geez. Ooh, is that a chocolate truffle?" (Attempts to eat the end of the interviewer's microphone)
RI: "Hey, stop that! That's not food! OK, we're going to take a break and see if we can get the trainer to have a look at Todd Zeile, here. From Busch Stadium, this is Mike Shannon signing off."
TZ: "Man, I can't get a good signal in this dugout. Screw this, I'm playing my Bell Biv Devoe CD again." (Starts singing) "That girl is poisonnnn, p-p-p-poison!"
 

Todd Zeile, 1991 Upper Deck

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: Burning garbage
Key 1997 stat: Thought it was OK to look like this in public
Don't ask: Why is Carlos Garcia wearing that, erm, thing around his head?

A) Out of sympathy for his dog, Cheesestick, who was wearing a cone after getting fixed.
B) To keep himself from gnawing at his nethers, because he also just got fixed.
C) To cover up a giant hickey on his neck. Because this is much less embarrassing.
D) He was modeling his latest fashion idea, the SuperTurtleneck.
E) To block out the constant booing of the fans.

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

Name: Jake Plummer
Team: Arizona Cardinals
Positions: Quarterback, snake charmer
Value of card: An ounce of dead reptile skin
Key 1997 stat: His pro home field was the same as his college home field
Five things we can discern from the above photo:

• Jake Plummer was a Grade-A dork.
• Jake Plummer cut his own hair.
• Jake Plummer spent a lot of time on the ground, during games and otherwise.
• Jake Plummer should not have listened to the Topps photographer.
• Jame Plummer liked to be asphyxiated while "petting his python."

Jake Plummer, 1997 Topps Chrome (Football Friday No. 182)

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Some Mets
Team: See above
Positions: Flying, kneeling, kicking
Value of card: 1 cent for each moron in this photo
Key 1991 stat: 487 innings playing grab-ass
It's time for ultra-stupid pop quiz:

Just what the hell are these three Mets players doing?

(A) Practicing for second, more successful careers as mimes.
(B) Losing a baseball game.
(C) The guy on the left is diving; the guy on the ground is shooting dice; the guy on the right is walking like a toy soldier.
(D) "FUN AT THE BALLPARK"
(E) Demonstrating typical Mets baseball
(F) All of the above, except D.

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Name: Jack Snow
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Three melted snowflakes
Key 1971 stat: Several weeks of regret
Here's what Jack Snow stands for:

Jumping around like a ninny
Acting like a fool
Carrying the ball in way that's just begging for a strip
Kicking his legs in the air like a toddler

Strutting around like an idiot
Nosing ahead in the race for NFC's biggest jackass
Obeying every ridiculous command from the photographer
We didn't even get to his pasted-down hard part. Oh well.

Jack Snow, 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 180)

Joey Hamilton, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Name: Joey Hamilton
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Lice
Key 1996 stat: Second-grade reading level
Which Dr. Seuss book does Joey Hamilton think he's part of?

A) One Arm, Two Arm, Red Arm, Dead Arm
B) How the Grinch Stole Second
C) Oh, the Games You'll Lose
D) Hamilton Hears a "Boo"
E) The Prat in the Hat

Joey Hamilton, 1997 Fleer Ultra

Paul Sorrento, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Paul Sorrento
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: First base
Value of card: $1 (if you tape a dollar to it)
Key 1995 stat: At least one time making the same face as the team logo
Ten dumbest things Paul Sorrento did for photo day at Jacobs Field:
10) Told the photographer that he was "an older, more sophisticated Jim Thome"
9) Put on an Indians uniform even though he was in the process of being traded to Seattle
8) Asked the photog if having his picture taken would steal his soul
7) Shaved his arms
6) Shaved his legs
5) Shaved his back
4) Swore that "Sorrento" is Italian for "immortal ninja"
3) Drank orange juice right after brushing his teeth
2) Took batting practice in center field
1) Smiled like a big doofus all damn day

Paul Sorrento, 1996 Topps Stadium Club

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Name: Don Warren
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Tight end (Right, ladies?)
Value of card: Even trade for three rides on a kiddie carousel outside the grocery store
Key 1990 stat: 78 pieces of clothing featuring a racist logo
Don Warren's train of thought from 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Sunday, Sept. 16, 1990: "Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Ball go high! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee! Wheeeeeee!"

Don Warren, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 6)

Ben McDonald, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ben McDonald
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One ink stain
Key 1991 stat: 559 slices of pizza eaten
Conversation between Ben McDonald and interviewer, April 12, 1992:
Interviewer: "What do you think about the O's chances this year, Ben?"
Ben McDonald: "What's with that microphone? It looks like a piece of foam rubber with phone cord sticking out of it! That's crazy!"
I: "Um, yeah, I'm just borrowing — "
BM: "Ha! Here kid, take this ball. I gotta see this thing. So, can you make phone calls on here? Where's the dial pad?"
I: "No, it's not a phone, it's just a crappy microphone."
BM: "Come on, be honest. Can you talk to the president through this thing?"
I: "Uhhhhh..."
BM: "Hello? Mr. President? Can you hear me? This is Ben McDonald, I wrote to you when I was 12 years old about how much I liked pizza? I still do!"
I: "Um, Ben, the president changes every four or eight years."
BM: "OK, Mr. President, gotta go. I have to sign an autograph for the crazy guy in the bottom left corner of this baseball card."
Crazy guy: "Yeaaaahhhhh! Get over here, Bill O'Donnell!"

Ben McDonald, 1992 Upper Deck

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Name: Mel Blount
Teams: Steelers (retired), nerd cowboys (current)
Position: Defensive back
Value of card: That bow tie
Key 1991 stat: One really bad idea
Choose a different adventure: You are Mel Blount, Hall of Fame cornerback with the Pittsburgh Steelers. As the current director of player relations for the NFL, you have been invited to take part in a league-sanctioned set of sports cards intended to show what football players look like off the field. This is a chance for the league to show how normal its athletes and representatives are while they have fun and look cool (well, for the early '90s). The photographer for these "Pro Line Portraits" offers you three options for your photo shoot:

• To drag out the badass old Steelers uniform that you wore while making so many receivers bleed, click here.
• To dress like a normal damn person, click here.
• To wear a cowboy hat, a stupid red bow tie, pleated jeans and the largest, shiniest belt buckle you own so you can go stand in a field while holding a football and putting on the same thoughtful expression as your horse, click here. 

Mel Blount, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 3)

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Name: Bob Hamelin
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Designated hitter, first base
Value of card: A cassette tape of Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart"
Key 1990 stat: 17 cows tipped
He's earned this: Bob Hamelin may look like a big ol' slack-jawed country bumpkin in this photo, but in 1994, he was the American League rookie of the year. (No, really! We didn't remember, either.) Here are a handful of less important yet equally forgotten awards Big Bob has won:

• Boy Scout of the Month, Troop No. 1399, April 1980
• Hairiest arms at Buffalo Bill's Tequila Shooter Night, Kansas City, Mo., Aug. 13, 2001
• Student of the week, Mrs. Evans' third-grade remedial English class, Feb. 3-10, 1974
• Employee of the month, Beef n' Brawn strip club, November 2000
• Worst Sophomore Slump, American League, 1995 (.168 batting average)

Card contributed by FatShawnKemp.com.

Bob Hamelin, 1990 Bowman

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Name: Alan Zinter
Team: New York Mets
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Blissful ignorance
Key career stat: 34 strikeouts in 78 at-bats. Yes, seriously.
New York Mets' scouting report on top draft pick Alan Zinter: "It's a good thing this guy wears a catcher's mask a lot, because he ain't exactly a looker. ... Has the potential to lead the league in chin. ... Swallows his gum. ... Says he reads at least one book a month. We didn't know there were that many 'Curious George' tales. ... All his clothes are made of mesh. His brain may be, as well. ... Threw out 60 percent of basestealers in 1989 — wait, no, that's 6.0 percent. Shoot. ... Should make a great 'player to be named later' at some point. ... Can squat with the best of 'em. ... He's a so-so hitter, but we're hoping his creepiness will force some mistakes from pitchers."

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com.

Alan Zinter, 1990 Score

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One eighth-grade graduation certificate
Key 1988 stat: 1,922 flies caught in mouth
Jose Canseco's train of thought from 12:10 p.m. to 7:44 p.m. July 23, 1988: "Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ice cream ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Cars go fast ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Puppies are cute ... Hit ball ... Socks go inside shoes ... Hit ball ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Steroids ... Hit ball ... Keys are shiny ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Ladies are pretty ... Catch ball ... I like ketchup ... Catch ball ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Garfield. Ha-ha. ... Hit ball ... Hit ball ... Two plus three is — uh-oh. Wait. Crap, what do I do with ball? Oh no, Mr. LaRussa's going to beat me again. Oh yeah! Hit ball!"

Jose Canseco, 1989 Fleer Baseball All Stars

Anthony Young, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Anthony Young
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One 1993 newspaper
Key 1993 stat: Zero questions correctly answered
Excerpt from the 1994 spring training media session pictured above:

Q: Anthony, you posted a 1-16 record last year with the Mets. How happy are you to have a fresh start?
A: Hey, man, do you have any more shirts or jackets? I've only got four layers on right now, and I usually go for five or six.

Q: Anthony, you're projected as the fifth starter this season, but would you be OK with a move to the bullpen?
A: I love peanut butter sandwiches!

Q: What's your response to some of your former teammates' claims that you're not very bright?
A: Look at the hat this guy behind me is wearing! Is that really a hat? It looks like a peanut butter sandwich! Give it here, Mr. Reporter Guy!

Q: Anthony, do you think the Cubbies can win their first World Series in nearly 90 years?
A: (Chewing the reporter's hat) Do you guys watch "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"? That show is hilarious. Will Smith is my cousin!

Q: Anthony, how does that hat taste?
A: I'm so happy to be in Chicago, part of such a great tradition. I really think this year is going to be special, and I hope the fans get behind us from Day 1. I've spent the whole offseason working on my delivery mechanics, and my fastball's up in the mid-90s now. So, let's go White Sox!

Anthony Young, 1994 Upper Deck