Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Pittsburgh Penguins
Position: Right wing
Value of card: An empty bottle of Jager
Key 1991-92 stat: Singlehandedly kept four Pittsburgh-area hairdressers in business
Scouting report on Penguins rookie hotshot Jaromir Jagr: "He looks good on the ice, but not nearly as good as he does in a linen suit. ... In the running for the Calder Trophy, but he's already swept mullet competitions throughout the Great Lakes region. ... His stick-handling so far is outpacing his ability to handle a clip-on tie. ... Will likely never suffer a concussion, given that under his helmet, he has another helmet. ... Tastes great when mixed with Dr Pepper. ... Overall, this kid's got a very high ceiling      and with that haircut, he's gonna need it."

Jaromir Jagr, 1991-92 Topps Stadium Club (Another Hockey Week No. 3)

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Name: Slick
From: Fort Worth, Texas
Signature move: Using his cane as a weapon
Value of card: A feather      not the one in his hat, one that has been on the ground for a week
Key 1990 stat: By far the best-dressed man at any WWF event
A man of all parts: Kenneth "Slick" Johnson has played many roles in his life      pro wrestling manager, haberdasher, doctor (of style), sunglasses model, international playboy, and reverend. But perhaps his brightest moment came in 1987, when he was featured on the multiplatinum "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2" with his hit "Jive Soul Bro." What better way to wrap up Pro Wrestling Week than with a song? Take it away, Slick.

Slick, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 7)

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Name: Damon Buford
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A case of poison ivy
Key 1991 stat: Two shades of gray
Today's fashion model: Today we have Damon Buford, a center fielder who might have a few holes in his swing, but doesn't have any in his wardrobe. Damon is looking dapper, wearing a suit that he made himself out of the drapes from his parents' bedroom. Even repurposed, those curtains still hang elegantly. Damon scoffs at the notion that belts need to be "tight" or "hold things up." Instead, he has taken an airplane seat belt and wrapped it nonchalantly around his waist. Touché! And Damon's brand new black mock-turtleneck completes his look, which resembles something a not-very-talented jazz musician might wear. With this much style, there's no doubt that Damon is "da man."

Damon Buford, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 2)

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Name: Lem Barney
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Cornerback 
Value of card: About as much as the snow in that old photo
Key 1992 stat: Wore a tie when, clearly, a cravat was called for
Time for a fancy-shmancy pop quiz: What's Lem Barney all dressed up for?

A) The Player Hater's Ball
B) A new session of Parliament
C) A Sherlock Holmes cosplay event
D) A trip to the Applebee's
E) A photo session for a surreal set of football cards

Lem Barney, 1992 Pro Line Portraits Throwbacks (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 39)

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Name: Dick "Don't Call Me Richard" Harter
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Coach
Value of card: One commercial for Cialis
Key 1989-90 stat: Constantly chuckled at
Yes, we're 13 years old: Dick Harter. Say it out loud. Dick. Harter. Huh-huh. Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter. Who will Dick Harter insert into the game next? Huh-huh-huh. Dick Harter prefers rigid defense. Huh-huh. Dick Harter has a stiff coaching style. Huh-huh.

Dick Harter, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 7)

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

Name: Dick Versace
Team: Indiana Pacers
Position: Coach
Value of card: Two buttons sewn onto a tag
Key 1989-90 stat: 14 colors on tie
Brought to you by Versace: Coach Dick Mervyns and the Indiana Pacers were experiencing a tough start to the 1990-91 season. The team couldn't put together a winning streak, and the coach's decisions were questioned and his handling of the team was criticized. Knowing his job was on the line, Mervyns made a bold move: He worked out a first-of-its-kind merchandising deal with Italian fashion company Versace. He agreed to change his last name to "Versace" and wear only the sculpted suits on the sidelines. Though he looked sharp, the team didn't play that way, and the newly named Mr. Versace and his pinstripes were fired a quarter of the way through the season. The good news? More sweatpants.

Dick Versace, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 5)

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Name: Johnny Bench
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Burnt polyester
Key 2011 stat: Didn't wear that suit (hopefully)
Welcome to Goodwin Champions Week: Card companies lately have felt the urge to return to their roots, creating sets based on turn-of-the-20th-century tobacco cards. Topps has done it with Allen & Ginter's, and in recent years, Upper Deck has responded with a product called Goodwin Champions. The problem, as you can see above, is that the Goodwin Champions cards tend to feature athletes from all eras looking absolutely ridiculous. All week, we'll be bringing you some of the weirdest this set has had to offer, but first, a surgeon general's warning: Viewing some of these creations may lead to nausea.
Time to get Benched: Here's the good, bad and ugly of this Johnny Bench card.

The good: Brought enough lapel to share with his friends.
The bad: Is that a hairstyle or a family of chinchillas on his scalp?
The ugly: Not only did he shoot the couch to make that suit, he gunned down his best bed linens for that shirt.

Johnny Bench, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 1)

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Name: Bob Murdoch
Team: Winnipeg Jets®
Position: National Hockey League Coach
Value of card: $3 coupon off your choice of tie at the Men's Warehouse (expired)
Key 1989-90 stat: Six ice cubes in his gin and tonic
The craft at its best: Photojournalism is about more than just getting the prettiest shot and framing it perfectly — which, for the sake of the photographer responsible for this shot, is a good thing. Photojournalism, at its best, is about catching the moment. It's that second or two when something meaningful happens, when the world changes, when emotions hit a crescendo. This photo, despite being an abomination of style, structure and all-around composition, catches one of those moments. Bob Murdoch, who, despite what this cards says, coached the Winnipeg Jets and not the entire National Hockey League, screams up at the owner's box after being handed a stack of walking papers while on the bench with his team during a game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. Murdoch is furious, but he doesn't have much of an argument to make. In Winnipeg, wins come second behind handsome neck attire, and the blinding bright-red tie that Murdoch sported every game just couldn't compete with the tricolor, candy-striped gem his soon-to-be replacement wore. His replacement who, as you can see, was already positioned right behind Murdoch, waiting for the moment the coach would be handed his walking papers. How do you like that sportcoat, eh?

Bob Murdoch, 1990-91 Pro Set (Hockey Week No. 3)

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Eric Karros, left, and Dave Hansen
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pinch hitter extraordinaire
Value of card: Three squirts of gel, rubbed in your chest hair
Key 1992 stat: One debutante ball attended (together)
It's time for a well-dressed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Timeless style (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Anything-but-timeless hairstyles (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Superman curl (Winner: Karros)
Round 4: Resume as a pro (Winner: Karros)
Round 5: Resume as "ultra" (Winner: Hansen)
Round 6: Ability to hit in a pinch (Winner: Hansen)
Round 7: Ability to read lines as a Hollywood bit actor in a pinch (Winner: Karros)

Score: Karros 3, Hansen 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In a contest as tight as their cummerbunds, Karros and Hansen did battle on the field of The Matchup, and though Hansen was brave to wear a rented penguin suit, Karros took home the victory because of his minor-league turns on such forgettable shows as "Chicago Hope," "Arli$$" and "Port Charles."

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Jack Kemp, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 4)

Name: Jack Kemp
Teams: Buffalo Bills, U.S. government
Positions: Quarterback, housing secretary for George H.W. Bush
Value of card: One tie with cheetah spots on it
Key 1990 stat: Wore that helmet to the White House 17 times
Ways in which Jack Kemp and Abraham Lincoln were alike:

• Both never led the Bills to a Super Bowl title
• Both enjoyed a nice soft cheese
• Both were big fans of the theater
• Both gave influential speeches: Lincoln at Gettysburg, Kemp at the buffet line at Furr's
• Both would have agreed this tie was a bad choice

Jack Kemp, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week, No. 4)

Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Name: Pat Riley

Team: Los Angeles Lakers

Position: Coach

Value of card: Like Riley, it looks like a million bucks

Key 1989-90 stat: 14 cameos on "L.A. Law"

Welcome to NBA Playoffs Week: The NBA playoffs are in full swing. With only four months left before the Finals are decided, we at the Bust have decided to bring you seven more days of terrible basketball cards and even worse jokes. You're welcome, America.
10 other "of the year" awards Riley won in 1990-91:

10) "$12,000 Suit of the Year"

9) "Los Angeles Stereotype of the Year"

8) "Cosa Nostra NBA Infiltrator of the Year"

7) "Aqua-Net Customer of the Year"

6) "Laker Girl Pimp of the Year"

5) "Golden, Shining, Heavenly, Magnificent Tan of the Year"

4) "Armani Catwalk Model of the Year"

3) "Alligator Skin Shoes of the Year"

2) "Alligator Skin of the Year"

1) "Cocaine of the Year"

Pat Riley, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 1)

Robert Horry, 1992-93 Fleer Ultra (NBA Finals Week No. 4)

Name: Robert Horry
Team: Houston Rockets
Position: Forward
Value of card: One hip check
Key 1992 stat: Half a mustache grown
Houston Rockets scouting report on top draft pick Robert Horry: "Needs to work on his shot selection and tie selection. ... His mustache tested negative for performance-enhancing Sharpie ink. ... Not afraid to borrow his dad's 18-button suit for a photo shoot. ... Has never committed a foul during a game, according to him. ... Thinks he's a real big shot. ... Has professed his love for Hakeem Olajuwon. Not admiration. Love. Olajuwon has hired an attorney. ... Insists on eating mashed potatoes with every meal, including breakfast. ... His ability to shoot the 3 is surpassed only by his ability to be a dick. ... Has an unhealthy obsession with rock band Great White. ... Has a tendency to crack under pressure; will likely never be good in crunch time."

Robert Horry, 1992-93 Fleer Ultra (NBA Finals Week No. 4)

A. Bartlett Giamatti, 1990 Topps

Name: A. Bartlett "Bart" Giamatti
Team: Angels
Position: Dead commissioner
Value of card: $10 off FTD sympathy bouquet
Key 1989 stat: One massive heart attack
Weekend at Barty's: After baseball Commissioner Bart Giamatti died suddenly in 1989, several baseball card companies planned a memorial card for him in their 1990 sets. Giamatti, who had made headlines for banning Pete Rose from baseball just days before his death, was never the most photogenic person. Knowing this, the crack photography team at Topps decided to one-up the competition. Rather than use an archived image for their card, the sick bastards at Topps broke into the morgue where Giamatti had been taken, stole his body, threw a clip-on tie and $50 suit from Mervyns on him and propped him up "Weekend At Bernie's"-style in the Shea Stadium visitors locker room for a photo shoot. Hilarity ensued when, rather than returning Giamatti's body to the morgue, they instead stuffed him into the Mr. Met costume and left him in the bullpen car.

A. Bartlett Giamatti, 1990 Topps