Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Name: Conrad Dobler
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Guard
Value of card: The same as if this card was ripped into tiny pieces
Key 1977 stat: Hair on only three-quarters of scalp
Conrad Dobler's musical train of thought from 9:45 to 9:47 a.m., Oct. 23, 1977: "Mister Trouble never hangs around when he hears this mighty sound: 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way. Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right, Mighty Conrad will join the fight. On the sea or on the land, he gets the situation well in hand. We're not worryin' at all. We're just listenin' for his call. 'Here I come to save the day!' That means that Mighty Conrad's on his way."

Conrad Dobler, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 203)

Darryl Williams, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 43)

Name: Darryl Williams
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Safety
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape dubbed from a hip-hop station in the early 1990s
Key 1990 stat: 27 nightclubs entered wearing this outfit
Little-known facts about Darryl Williams:

• He played for the short-lived Cincinnati Zebras.
• He was a superhero who could shoot laser beams from his eyes.
• He never walked; he floated.
• He had a recurring role on "A Different World" as Jacques the "tough but sensitive jock."
• He blinded himself by looking at his pants.

Darryl Williams, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 43)

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Bobby Thigpen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Closer
Value of card: In cents, one-tenth of the number on his pant leg
Key 1990 stat: Autosaves every five minutes
League of extraordinary gentlemen: With 57 saves in 1990, White Sox closer Bobby Thigpen's secret identity, the SaveMaster, was revealed. Here are a few of his superpowers:

• Could swoop in late, bring down foes that rest of superheroes had already weakened
• Could extend or shorten sleeves at the drop of a hat
• Even if mortally wounded, could go back five minutes in time and start again
• Could afford to retire early, thanks to smart money management
• Could break stuff. You know, like records.

Bobby Thigpen, 1991 Upper Deck

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Names: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird
Teams: Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics
Positions: Shooting guard, small forward
Value of card: 33 / 23 = 1.43 cents
10 other names for the duo of "Birdman and Agent 23":
10) The Skintight Superheroes
9) N.B.A. (Never Been Art)
8) Spewer of Purple Goo and Dr. No Feet
7) The Not-So Fantastic Two
6) Air Beneath His Wings
5) Blonde and Bald Connection
4) The Ball Handlers
3) The Dynamic Bulges
2) The Ambiguously Drawn Duo
1) Ebony and Ivory

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (Air Jordan Week No. 6)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Superhero name: The Raper

Alias: Cal Ripken Jr.

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Positions: Shortstop, superhero

Value of card: He'll make sure you get 10 to 20

Key 1992 stat: 143 people "saved"

Extent of costume: Two swipes of eye black

Weapon: Strategically placed phallic baseball bat

Mission: To rid the streets of criminals, just not rapers.

Source of powers: Human growth hormone, mock turtlenecks

Inspiration for "helping" others: Family tradition of abuse

Mortal enemy: Mysterious fir tree-shaped mountain of clouds, always lurking behind him, just out of sight

Slogan cliche alert: In the battle for eternity.

Misplaced punctuation: Period at end of incomplete sentence slogan

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Upper Deck Superhero Insert

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck Red Sox Checklist

Names: Andre Dawson, The Hawk

Teams: Boston Red Sox, League of Justice

Positions: Outfield, Protector of the Universe

Value of card: Three mice gripped in talons

Key 1992 stat: 14 damsels in distress saved

A superhero, on two wings and a player: Andre Dawson spent his days hitting home runs, stealing bases and showing off a rocket arm from right field. The Hawk, however, spent his nights protecting the Earth from evildoers of all shapes and sizes. After games at Fenway Park, Dawson would return to his Fortress of Feathers high atop a Boston skyscraper. There, he would change into tights, talons and a beak, before donning magic wings made of fastballs that allowed him to swoop down from building perches and treetops to intercept dastardly villians. Women would flock to The Hawk, but The Hawk flocked to danger. He migrated to good deeds and regurgitated small rodents to feed his children. Baseball was a passion for Dawson. But when it came to ridding the world of wickedness, the Hawk ruled the roost.

Andre Dawson, 1993 Upper Deck Red Sox Checklist