Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:

• A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
• A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
• A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
• A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
• A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
• A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Dale Murphy, 1986 Fleer Sticker

Name: Dale Murphy
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Vanity
Key 1985 stat: Zero cosmetic procedures on face
The price of beauty: For much of the 1980s, Dale Murphy was a stud, winning back-to-back MVP awards and leading the league in feces-eating grins. In 1985, Murphy led the NL in runs scored, home runs, walks AND strikeouts. What few people knew was that the majority of this talent was thanks to his conjoined twin, Dave Murphy, who was able to disguise himself as a mole on Dale's cheek. It was Dave's hawk-like vision and herculean strength that allowed Dale to rake in the praise and awards — and Dave made sure Dale knew about it, too. The evil twin mocked his brother's schoolmarmish arms, bowl haircut and lack of baseball talent so often, that in 1988, Dale elected to have surgery that would separate the pair. Dave, lacking organs and bones, died instantly, as did Dale's athleticism. He never hit over .270 again — though he did find more success with the ladies.

Dale Murphy, 1986 Fleer Sticker

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, surgery name
Value of card: Zero diamonds
Key 1987 stat: 10 surgeries
It's that time again: Last year, we here at The Bust brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. The response was so huge — we got at least a dozen hits that week — we decided to bring it back in 2011, with a bunch of not-so-fresh faces. So, grab your pine tar and get ready to smear it all over your computer screen when you see a new "god-awful" Diamond King each day this week.

10 kinds of surgery Tommy John should have gone through, as indicated by this card:
10) Life-saving surgery to remove the giant growth protruding from his neck
9) Tattoo-removal surgery to get rid of the inked-on pinstripes on his chest
8) Dental surgery to give him a few more on the left side of his mouth
7) Hat surgery, because something needs to be done about that
6) Skin surgery to give him even pigmentation, rather than the color wheel seen above
5) Brain surgery to cure the epilepsy given to anyone, including himself, who saw the rainbow behind him
4) Plastic surgery to add 11 more wrinkles to the right side of his face, to even out the sides
3) Experimental surgery to remove his tiny Siamese twin brother from his shoulder
2) Not so much a surgical operation, but more of a haircut to get rid of those hideous bangs
1) Tommy John surgery to remove him from this god-awful Diamond King

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Surgery, 1986 Topps

Name: Surgery

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Seven ligament fragments

Key 1985 stat: 211 times under the scalpel

Player and procedure become one: The year was 1974, and a young pitcher named Surgery was enjoying a successful season with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Surgery spent the first half of the season mowing down batters, but spent the second half of the season mowed down by an injury. Surgery still had a passion for the game, so he opted for a procedure that had never been tested on a human. The procedure was called "Tommy John surgery," named after the two most generic first names for white Americans. Surgery went under the scalpel, and came out a better pitcher. As can be seen in the card above, Surgery went on to play until age 68, thus paving the way for hundreds of players who regained their form after the Tommy John procedure. Surgery, the man, felt so indebted to the procedure that he took its name as his own.

Fun (true) fact: Tommy John decided to retire in 1989 after 26 major league seasons when he surrendered two hits to Mark McGwire in his rookie season. McGwire's father had been John's dentist years before. When asked about his decision, John said, "When your dentist's kid starts hitting you, it's time to retire."

Surgery, 1986 Topps