Bryan Clark, 1983 Topps

Name: Bryan Clark

Team: Seattle Mariners

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Three rotting fish carcasses from Pike's Place Market

Key 1982 stat: Zero hats worn before, during and after games

What the ... : Hmm, this is odd. It appears (1) we have a baseball card featuring a fan, not a player; (2) the fan in the big photo is surprised to be getting his picture taken; (3) someone PhotoShopped a circular photo of the fan's brother or cousin onto the card, complete with a fake-looking green background; (4) someone put an obvious afro wig on the fan and adjusted it wrong, pulling it much too far over his forehead; and (5) the fan's brother or cousin in the circle can tell all these shenanigans are going on and appears to be skeptical of the situation. Well, tiny circle brother or cousin of fan Bryan Clark, you're wrong. This is a real card with no manipulation. You, sir, shouldn't be so skeptical.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Bryan Clark, 1983 Topps

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Matt Williams
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Third base
Value of card: The element of surprise
Key 1991 stat: Eye black reapplied every inning
Choose your own adventure: You are Matt Williams, third baseman for the San Francisco Giants. You've just drilled a ball deep to the gap and are rounding second, headed for a triple. As you slide in, you see something that startles the absolute cheese out of you. What is it?

• If it's a winning record, click here.
• If it's a future in which you wear a purple uniform, click here.
• If it's Willie McGee's face, click here.

Matt Williams, 1992 Upper Deck

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One point
Key 1991 stat: Constantly frightened
Kirt Manwaring here with a pop quiz:

"OH GOD, WHAT'S THAT?!"

(A) Where? What? Where?
(B) It's first base, Kirt. I know you don't get there very often, but relax.
(C) Chill out, Kirt. It's just Kevin Mitchell's bulge.
(D) Whoa there, big guy. It's only Darren Lewis' fade.
(E) None of the above.

Kirt Manwaring, 1992 Topps Stadium Club

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Name: Tré Johnson
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive lineman
Value of card: One missing tooth
Key 1993 stat: Constantly impressed
Amaze Tré — take this quiz:

Finish Tré Johnon's sentence: "Daaaaaaaayummmmm, _____"
A) Gina!
B) Coach Gibbs! You really fill out that Spandex!
C) why are my ears so freakishly small?
D) ice cream man! I buy all your Drumsticks every day, and every day you come back with more!
E) playing football without pads hurts!

Tré Johnson, 1994 Bowman (NFL Draft Weekend, No. 3)

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps

Name: Whitey Herzog
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Manager
Value of card: 16 pounds of chew
Key 1989 stat: One racially insensitive nickname
A very managerial pop quiz:

What has Whitey Herzog so flabbergasted?

A) Nothing. He's just got an entire log of chewing tobacco in his mouth.
B) Nothing. If you sat next to Jack Clark all game, you'd breathe through your mouth, too.
C) Nothing. He just can't stop singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."
D) He just saw Willie McGee's face.

(E) All of the above

Whitey Herzog, 1990 Topps

Willie McGee, 1993 Score Select

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Surprisingly little
Key 1992 stat: Countless times startled by where he was stepping
Top 10 things we'd like to think are between Willie McGee's head and his helmet:

10) 27 copies of People's Sexiest Man of the Year, 1985
9) Will Clark's Matt Dillon mustache
8) Bonsai tree
7) The most amazing afro the world has ever seen
6) Barry Bonds' leftover "B12 shots"
5) A collection of Russian nesting dolls
4) Darren Lewis' fade
3) More forehead wrinkles
2) A feverish marmot
1) A smaller, better-fitting helmet

Willie McGee, 1993 Score Select

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Two chemotherapy sessions
Key 1988 stat: One new game created
We have a winner: During this 1988 Minnesota-Detroit game, Topps was good enough to capture the beginning of a new game created by slugger Kent Hrbek and his Twin teammates. Called "Guess What You're Tasting," the contest involved blindfolding the player whose turn it was, cramming a wad of whatever into his mouth, removing the blindfold and then forcing the player to keep the substance in his mouth until he guessed correctly or vomited. The only restrictions: nothing that could cut or kill. Here we see Hrbek, at top, trying to determine what has just been stuffed into his considerable maw. He seems puzzled and possibly a little gassy. At bottom, on his fourth guess, a pleased Hrbek has finally come up with the correct answer: Gene Larkin's jock strap.

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps, 1989 Topps All-Star

Geronimo Berroa, 1995 Fleer Emotion

Name: Geronimo Berroa

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: It'll surprise you

Key 1994 stat: 14,012 stupid looks on his face

10 reasons Geronimo Berroa is surprised:

10) He didn't expect to be caught dancing with a ballboy.

9) He looked at his god-awful career numbers.

8) Someone told him the cup goes in the front.

7) He learned former reliever Jason Grimsley accused him of taking steroids.

6) Someone in the crowd yelled "Geronimo" before jumping off the third deck.

5) No one else on the field had their collar popped around a turtleneck.

4) The mesh behind him is not a batting cage; it's a 40-foot net being shot from a giant net-gun by a hunter capturing mediocre Major League Baseball players for his collection of taxidermied animals.

3) His mustache just opted out of its contract.

2) Being in Oakland, he just witnessed three people get shot to death.

1) The word "loose" is written in giant block letters across his rear end.

Geronimo Berroa, 1995 Fleer Emotion