Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Name: Dwight Bernard
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The clump of hair clogging your shower drain
Key 1982 stat: One side of beard an inch longer than the other
Brewing up a pop quiz: Why is Dwight so unhappy?

A) The team told him he had to start bathing
B) The team told him he had to evict the family of sparrows living in his hair
C) The team told him he had to get bigger glasses
D) The team told him he had to wear baby blue both on and off the field
E) The team told him he could do whatever he wanted      because he was no longer on the team

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Dwight Bernard, 1983 Fleer

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:

• Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
• Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
• Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
• Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
• Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Bob James, 1988 Topps

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free shower at a truck stop
Key 1987 stat: Scariest facial hair in the Great Lakes region
Here's what Bob James stands for:

Bob didn't much believe in personal hygiene
Odor coming from his hair smelled vaguely of compost
Belt? Cummerbund? Either way, it didn't do a good job of holding up his pants

Just because this shot was taken in a park, doesn't mean he's homeless ...
Actually, yeah, he is homeless
Maybe he's just doing a bad imitation of the Kodiak Brute, Greg Luzinski
Every woman likes a guy with bad posture and a gut, right ladies?
Strikeout rate went way up when batters were downwind from him

Bob James, 1988 Topps

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Name: Howard Hilton
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hotel magnate impersonator
Value of card: 12 ounces of man sweat
Key 1989 stat: 236 nights at the Hilton (what Howard called his parents' basement)
It's art (plus an "F"): Take a bow, Bowman, take a bow. Just look at this gem. It's yet another example of the inventive, innovative, outside-the-box thinking for which this card set is known. What else is it known for? Straightforward poses, mangy mullets, unshaven faces, tufts of chest hair, gallons of sweat stinking of last night's booze, and monotonous backgrounds that add absolutely nothing to an already worthless card. Yup, this is something special. Not only is this guy a slob's slob, but we get to gaze upon this pigpen without any distractions, doodads or creativity getting in the way. The accommodations here? Less Hilton, more fleabag motel.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Name: George Brett
Team: Kansas City Royals
Potsition: First base
Value of card: Ten shots of tequila, regurgitated
Key 1989 stat: Patchy stubble
George Brett's train of thought, 11:02 to 11:04 a.m., March 7, 1990: "Damn these Florida beaches and their enticing blend of tequila and samba. ... Wait, today's baseball card photo day? Crap, I'm sweating like Cecil Fielder in a sauna. I didn't shave, I haven't showered in three days and I'm so hungover right now, the sky looks purple. ... Phew, it's only the crappy insert cards they're shooting today. Nobody will ever see these and distribute them on a poorly written and produced electronic medium two decades from now. ...  Hey, if these guys are going to smudge out the logo on my hat, maybe they can get rid of the bags under my eyes and the dried puke on my collar. Maybe I won't look like America's swarthiest man, after all!"

George Brett, 1990 Post First Collector Series

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Name: Gene Garber
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Who wants to know?
Key 1979 stat: Eyebrows constantly furrowed
It's just sad, really: How little did Gene Garber trust other people?

• He hired a private investigator to follow the bat boy.
• Rather than take signs from his catcher, he would just yell out what he was going to throw.
• He personally signed off on this card to make sure Topps got the "good side" of his beard.
• He cut his own hair.
• Every time an infielder made an error, he'd scream, "I KNEW IT!!!"
• He constantly pitched from the stretch just so he could shift his eyes back and forth.
• He wore a jacket under his uniform. Sorry, that's got nothing to do with trust issues, it just looks ridiculous.

Gene Garber, 1980 Topps

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Names: Greg Smith, Stu Tate
Teams: Chicago Cubs, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Infield, pitcher
Value of card: One copy of the May 1987 Highlights magazine
Key lifetime stat: 29 combined career games
Fun facts about Greg Smith and Stu Tate:

• Greg Smith lays his coat over puddles for women to walk on. Stu Tate opens his raincoat around women for other reasons.
• Greg Smith enters a house of worship every Sunday. Stu Tate enters a house of ill repute every Saturday night.
• Greg Smith likes to take his dog for a walk in the park. Stu Tate likes to take a handle of cherry-flavored vodka to the park and pass out there.
• Greg Smith takes good care of his body. Stu Tate has stolen at least five kidneys from other people's bodies.
• Greg Smith takes his vitamins. Stu Tate sells pills in alleyways.
• Greg Smith likes to read books. Stu Tate likes to make books.
• Greg Smith takes pride in his hygiene. Stu Tate smells like a week's worth of blood sausage and Hai Karate.

Greg Smith and Stu Tate, 1990 Fleer

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Roger McDowell

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: One associate's degree

Key 1992 stat: One class audited at Lasorda University

Pop quiz at Lasorda U:

What is the mascot of Lasorda University's athletics teams?

(A) The Splintered Toothpicks

(B) The Sopping Headbands

(C) The Single Gloves

(D) The Greasy Mullets

(E) The Pot-Bellied Scuzzballs

(F) All of the above

Roger McDowell, 1993 Upper Deck

Bob James, 1986 Topps

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitcher, captain of swarthiness
Value of card: 2 lbs. of nasty neck hair
Key 1985 stat: Zero beard washings
No winners in this competition: It was September 1985, and the race for several individual awards was heating up. Don Mattingly was separating himself from the AL MVP pack, while Willie McGee and Dave Parker battled it out in the NL. But the race that had the pundits the most excited was being held between Bob James, Rollie Fingers, John Kruk and Pete Vuckovich for the title of Major League Baseball's Swarthiest Player. The handlebar mustache-mullet performances from Brewers teammates Fingers and Vuckovich were legendary, but largely cancelled each other out. Kruk, who was still in the minors but officially swarthy enough for the award, jumped out to a late-season lead by showing up soil-yourself drunk to every game of a two-week home stand. But in the end, Bob James' outright refusal to wash from the neck up helped earn him baseball's scummiest honor. Writers contended it came down to the last day of the regular season, when a passed-out Kruk was given a cold shower by teammates, costing him valuable swarth. An already sweaty James, meanwhile, took the mound wearing a stained wife-beater, ripped cargo shorts, flip-flops and a mesh ballcap with a photo of a Dodge Charger on it.

Bob James, 1986 Topps