Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Name: Marty Schottenheimer
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 4 strands of wool
Key 1990 stat: 4 "Tecmo Bowl" plays used in a game
Some fashion tips from coach Marty Schottenheimer:

• "Your sweater should have at least five sections; but six or more is preferred."
• "Whenever you can put a logo on your slacks, do it. Ladies love logos."
• "When you get a new hat, don't adjust it. In fact, don't even look at it. Just put it on your head."
• "There's nothing wrong with feminine cuffs."
• "Have your great-aunt sew you a sweater when you have to look your best."
• "Wool is the perfect fabric for special occasions."

Marty Schottenheimer, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 46)

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Name: Rich Kotite
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: 8 pounds of eagle droppings
Key 1990 stat: 164 stripes on his sweater
Here's what Eagles head coach Rich Kotite stands for:

Rich in sweaters, not in love
Itchy as anyone in America in this outfit
Cardigan? Not on your life, pal
Has wool running through his veins

Knit was more than a description of his outerwear; it was a way of life
Outside he's warm; inside, a cold, cold man
Turtleneck alert! Turtleneck alert!
Inspired hundreds of Philadelphia-area mothers to embarrass their kids in similar sweaters
Traded season tickets for a lint roller
Each strand of sweater, a statement in early 1990s fashion

Rich Kotite, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 6)

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a lot of green
Key 1988 stat: 425 pounds of weights burgers lifted
Green Bay Packers' scouting report on 1989 rookie Tony Mandarich: "With a dome like that, we won't have to waste money on a helmet for him. ... We'll need to check to make sure both his eyes work. ... Sweater shows he has style; still no word on his substance. ... No chance this guy turns out to be one of the biggest first-round busts of all-time. No chance. ... We'll need to teach him how to thicken up that stringy mullet. ... Sure, he has 'man' and 'rich' in his last name, but 'duh' would have been more appropriate than 'da.' ... If he doesn't have a future on the Green Bay Packers, he probably has a future with the Sears Warehouse Packers."

Tony Mandarich, 1989 Score (Football Friday No. 193)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Champagne
Teams: Baltimore Orioles, Baltimore-area fleabags
Positions: Shortstop, bitch
Value of card: 12 dead fleas
Key 1992 stat: 22 cars chased (Ripken)
It's time for a man-vs.-beast edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: In need of an ambitious brushing (Winner: Ripken)
Round 2: Had to wear one of those cones around his neck after surgery (Winner: Ripken)
Round 3: Once humped the leg of the Orioles mascot (Winner: Ripken)
Round 4: Caught a case of fleas in his "coat" (Winner: Ripken)
Round 5: Enjoys a good scratch behind his ear (Winner: Ripken)
Round 6: Kicks up legs after going No. 2 (Winner: Ripken)
Round 7: Appears to be wearing a collar in this photo (Winner: Ripken)

Score: Ripken 7, Champagne 0, Ties 0

Synopsis: In this battle of man vs. beast, Ripken completes a shutout win, allowing him to partake in the spoils of victory and sip Champagne. (vomit noises)

Cal Ripken Jr., 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Orel Hershiser
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Even trade for a 1990 Sears catalog
Key 1990 stat: 12,981 jokes by teammates about his first name
Conversation between Orel Hershiser and a Topps Stadium Club photographer, circa 1990:
Topps Stadium Club photographer: "Hey, Orel. Nice to meet you."
Orel Hershiser: "Hi! I'm so excited for this shoot."
TSCP: "Apparently. You brought props?"
OH: "Sure did. Can we start?"
TSCP: "Uh, sure. OK, get comfortable."
OH: "How's this look?"
TSCP: "I think you can lose the mortarboard."
OH: "Really? OK, how about this?"
TSCP: "Um, you should take off the cheap robe."
OH: "Bummer. OK, how do I look now?"
TSCP: "No need for a fake diploma, Orel."
OH: "But how will my relatives know I'm graduating high school?"
TSCP: "Orel, buddy. This is a baseball card shoot, not a chance to take high school graduation photos."
OH: "Stop killing my dreams. How does this hand-on-chin pose look?"
TSCP: "That's fine, Orel. That's just fine. Big smile. One, two, three, cheese."
OH: "Cheeeeeessssseeeee!"

Orel Hershiser, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)

Name: Don Mattingly
Teams: New York Yankees, East Hampton Sailing Club
Position: First base
Value of card: One used country club napkin
Key 1987 stat: Refused to wear white after Labor Day, even for home games
Places you've seen that sweater before:

• In your step-grandfather's dresser, while snooping for money
• At Goodwill, after your step-grandfather died
• On one of the extras in "Caddyshack"
• At the golf course, worn by some guy who was working on his putts
• On a mustachioed first baseman who was making a foppish entrance into a room
• Considering it was Mattingly's, probably nowhere in October

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Name: Wayne Fontes
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Head coach
Value of card: Two tacos for 99 cents
Key 1990 stat: 14 shades of tan gained
10 magazines Fontes could have been reading:
10) Lowlights for Children
9) Pointing Weekly
8) Glamour (uncontrollable laughter)
7) Better Homes and Drive-Thrus
6) Sweater Illustrated
5) Detroit Living and Ducking Gunfire
4) U.S. News & Hoagie Report
3) Taco Consumers Digest
2) Food & Food
1) Men's Unfitness

Wayne Fontes, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 10)

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair
Key 1991 stat: Dressed to the nines (minus eight)
Excerpt from early-'90s "MTV Cribs" forerunner "MTV Pads": "Hi, I'm Jose Canseco, and welcome to 'MTV Pads.' We're going to start today in my driveway so I can show off my sweetest new acquisition, this white Corvette convertible. I have to be at the ballpark almost every day, and I've found it's best to arrive in style. That's why, after I get there, I like to sit on the corner of the car door frame in my acid-wash Hammer pants and ripped-midriff sweatshirt      complete with a picture of a dude almost as buff as me on it      and think about how awesome my hair looks. Here, allow me to demonstrate. (Sits in pose seen above) Did I mention this ride has state-of-the-art fuel injection? Oh, speaking of injections, let's go check out my home gym. Er, not that any injections go on there. Ha-ha, that's weird, why did I say that? Um, maybe we should go to commercial."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Scott Erickson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Lake Tahoe Bunny Slope Ski Team
Positions: Pitcher, lying prone after a crash
Value of card: 3 ounces of snowflakes, melted, spilled on floor
Key 1991 stat: 2 for 2 victories in ugly Christmas sweater party contests
Fun facts about skiing and Scott Erickson's life:

• In skiing, you go downhill, hopefully fast. In Erickson's life, his career went downhill, predictably fast.
• In skiing, you carve fresh powder. In Erickson's life, he carved his fresh haircut out of solid oak.
• In skiing, you carry the tools of your trade over your shoulder. In Erickson's life, he looked like a tool carrying his skis over his shoulder.
• In skiing, moguls are the large bumps traversed with speed. In Erickson's life, the Rembrandt moguls must have been high on large bumps of speed to approve this card.
• In skiing, you can wind up covered in the whitest of snow. In Erickson's life, he wound up being covered in the whitest of sweaters.

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro