John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Name: John Elway
Team: Denver Broncos
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One free spin class
Key 1992 stat: Two creamy thighs
Here's what John Elway stands for:

Join a gym already, buddy
Oh, and maybe get a tan, too?
How many plants do you have in that "exercise room" anyway?
Nowadays, they grow different vegetation in Colorado, amirite?

Exercise cycle from the '90s or arcade version of "Excite Bike"?
Little blue tiles are easier to look at than those little blue shorts
Wearing a shirt with your name on it is the move of a champion
Always a fan of the mini-mullet
Yes, Elway still rides that same bike to this very day

John Elway, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 60)

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Name: Frank "The Tank" Tanana
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even lower than modern-day Detroit property values
Key 1986 stat: One god-awful photo
Here we go: Fine work, Donruss photo team. That's fantastic. Look, we're not going to sit here and tell you that Frank Tanana was the world's most photogenic dude, but come on. This was the best picture you could choose? Let's run down the checklist of bad sports card photography. Camera positioned too close to the face? Check. Use of flash causing the subject to squint and creating the appearance of a sheen of sweat over his entire face? Check. Not asking the subject to tuck away his unwashed bangs or trim his unibrow? Check. Hey, I guess we should be grateful that you guys at least got him in focus, eh? Good job, fellas.

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Name: Kelly Tripucka
Team: Charlotte Hornets
Position: Forward (right, ladies?)
Value of card: 11 dead, wingless hornets
Key 1988-89 stat: One "F" missing from last name
Looking good in Charlotte: Gaze upon it, dear readers. It's the late 1980s, mullets are high fashion, and Kelly Tripucka is rockin' a winner that's matched only by his on-the-court skirt. Sure, Tripucka looks like Ben Stiller, but when you have a mullet like that ... what's that? Wait ... a ... second! Holy hemorrhaging hemorrhoids, that's no mullet! That's a conjoined twin bulging from Tripucka's back! The hair from one twin is making it look like the other is all business up front and party in the back. Well, you can't fool the Bust, Ben Stiller. You're stricken from the Mullet Hall of Fame. But, we will give you credit for the chest sweater you're hiding under that tank.

Kelly Tripucka, 1989-90 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 7)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Name: Reggie Barrett
Team: Detroit Lions
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 3 ounces of leftover dust on a vacuum filter
Key 1990 stat: 256 women with whom he shared sweat
Let's take a look at Reggie Barrett, by the numbers:

36: Ounces of sweat on his chest
72: Ounces of sweat wrung from his shorts
98: Ounces of sweat left on workout machines that his teammates would have to wipe up

100: Dumbbell curls in his first workout set
150: Dumbbell curls in his second workout set
1: Dumbbell in this photo

1: Weightlifting belt used during a strenuous workout
1: Photographer who acted as a spotter to help with his weightlifting
1: Photographer who nearly passed out from the smell of his weightlifting belt

Reggie Barrett, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 2)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Name: Vaughan Johnson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Positions: Linebacker, perched on a jug
Value of card: 11 grains of powder Gatorade mix
Key 1990 stat: 126 inches of socks, combined
10 things that could be in that Gatorade jug:
10) Gatorade (the diet light purple kind that tastes like rust)
9) Lots of, um, stuff from "bathroom time" that's earmarked for Saints rookie hazing
8) 42 of fellow Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson's hats
7) Liquid the Saints would never get a chance to pour on coach Jim Mora in the playoffs
6) A shadow that looks like a schlong (oh, wait, that's outside the jug)
5) A scrunched-up Vaughn Dunbar, because he spells his first name wrong, sucka
4) 22 more pairs of short-shorts (he's wearing three more under the two you can see)
3) Powerade®: The complete sports drink for athletes everywhere
2) Sweat —gallons and gallons and gallons of it
1) Vaughan's johnson

Vaughan Johnson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 27)

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Name: Kanavis McGhee
Team: New York Giants
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Another notch on that weightlifting belt
Key 1991 stat: Half a mustache grown
Forget the Sunday paper       it's time for a caption: "New York Giants linebacker Kanavis McGhee, wearing a weightlifting belt, some wrist tape and not much else, makes an unwanted sexual advance toward photographer David Timmons on Friday at the Meadowlands. Timmons said that McGhee, drenched in both perspiration and desperation, compared the way he was holding a barbell to the way he would grasp Timmons, all while hiking up his pant leg to his crotch. Timmons is on leave of absence from this newspaper and receiving counseling."

Kanavis McGhee, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 25)

Hakeem Olajuwon, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 4)

Name: Hakeem Olajuwon
Team: Houston Rockets
Position: Center
Value of card: The collective dung from the animals pictured above
Key 1992-93 stat: Seven vowels in name
Introducing a new feature: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Olajuwon had witnessed a wild tiger in person: 23%
Olajuwon had witnessed a wild elephant in person: 38%
Olajuwon had witnessed African stereotypes in person: 100%

What are the chances ... 
Olajuwon would sweat if he saw miniature animals in person: 9%
Olajuwon would sweat if he thought a flock of birds might defecate on his head: 14%
Olajuwon would sweat if he were on the African plains: 89%
Olajuwon would sweat, period: 100%

What are the chances ...
Fleer was ashamed of this card: 85%
Olajuwon was ashamed of this card: 95%
Elephants and tigers the world over were ashamed of this card: 100%

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Hakeem Olajuwon, 1993-94 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 4)

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Name: Jay Johnstone
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A slug of beer A beer-soaked slug
Key career stat: Played for 20 years; played more than 100 games in nine of them
Clearing up some rumors about Jay Johnstone's, um, hat:

• Jay Johnstone's hat is not made from the labels of all the beers he drank last night. It's made from the labels of all the beers he drank in the dugout during the game.
• Jay Johstone's hat is not meant to protect him from rainfall. It's meant to protect him from all the things thrown at him by disgruntled Cubs fans.
• Jay Johnstone's hat is not meant to advertise the King of Beers. I mean, they sell these cards to kids, and alcohol is never marketed to kids, right?
• Jay Johnstone's hat does not say "Budweiser" on it. It says "Cubweiser," a brew that was best enjoyed in 1908 and hasn't been anywhere near as good since.

Jay Johnstone, 1984 Fleer

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Teams: Texas Rangers, Team P90X
Positions: Pitcher, whatever that stretch is called
Value of card: A whooooole lot of leg
Key 1990 stat: Made the photographer uncomfortable 14 times
Oh dear: The good folks at Pacific Trading Cards put out a series of Nolan Ryan collectables in 1991, featuring the Express in all sorts of situations. They captioned this one "Ryan's Routine," but here are a few suggested captions that didn't quite make the cut:

• More Sleeves Than Pants
• And Reach ... for the Barf Bag
• Pasty Pitcher
• That Hairline's a Stretch, Too
• Pull Those Socks Up More
• No Wonder No One Else Is Working Out
• "Get Out of Here, You Pervert!"

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Name: Bill Fralic
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Guard
Value of card: Seven broken, chewed-up, splintering toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: 286 gallons of sweat saved in closet buckets
Conversation between Bill Fralic and a Pro Line photographer, July 23, 1991: 
Pro Line photographer: "Hey, Bill. Good to meet ... whoa!"
Bill Fralic (in voice similar to David Puddy's of "Seinfeld" fame: "What's the matter? Never seen a man work out before?"
PLP: "No, no. It's just, um, don't you think you should put on pants for the shoot?"
BF: "Why would I do that? This is how I work out. Pantsless."
PLP: "Um, OK."
BF: "Sans pants."
PLP: "Got it."
BF: "Sin pantalones, amigo."
PLP: "Yeah, I understand."
BF: "Positively without pants."
PLP: "OK, let's just get this shoot over with."
BF: "Sure. Just let me put on my socks."
PLP: "Really? You're going to spread your legs in the air like that? How about I turn around?"
BF: "What's the matter? Never seen a man put on socks before?"
PLP: "Just close your legs, finish pulling up your socks and let's shoot this."
BF: "Hold on. Make sure you get my red Jockeys in the shot. My mother is going to see this."

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Name: Andy Heck
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a whole heck of a lot
Key 1991 stat: Zero carbon footprint
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Heck:

• Andy Heck did not use overly dramatic lighting for this photo shoot. Rather, he was energy-conscious before it was cool.
• Andy Heck did not have trouble lifting those 50-pound weights. He did, apparently, have trouble putting them back when he was done. How about a little common courtesy, bro?
• Andy Heck did have eyes. But they really bulged out when he was lifting. It was disconcerting.
• Andy Heck's real name was actually Andy Hell. He was just always so darned polite that he could never bring himself to say it.
• Andy Heck's shirt really is soaked with sweat in the above photo, but not due to physical exertion. It's because he's terrified of the dark.

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Name: Howard Hilton
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, hotel magnate impersonator
Value of card: 12 ounces of man sweat
Key 1989 stat: 236 nights at the Hilton (what Howard called his parents' basement)
It's art (plus an "F"): Take a bow, Bowman, take a bow. Just look at this gem. It's yet another example of the inventive, innovative, outside-the-box thinking for which this card set is known. What else is it known for? Straightforward poses, mangy mullets, unshaven faces, tufts of chest hair, gallons of sweat stinking of last night's booze, and monotonous backgrounds that add absolutely nothing to an already worthless card. Yup, this is something special. Not only is this guy a slob's slob, but we get to gaze upon this pigpen without any distractions, doodads or creativity getting in the way. The accommodations here? Less Hilton, more fleabag motel.

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Howard Hilton, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 3)

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Bill Curley
Team: Boston College
Position: Forward
Value of card: Three Curley hairs
Key 1994 stat: A lighter shade of pale
You've earned it: White baller Bill Curley was named Boston College's "Eagle of the Year" (no, really!) as the school's top athlete in 1994. He went on to play in at least six NBA games before retiring in 2001. Here are some other awards he earned along the way:

• Best Boston Stereotype Athlete of the Year, 1994
• College Player of the Year, 1994, presented by the Society of Gentlemen Who Don't Tuck in Their Shirts
• Most Towels Used in a Season, presented by the Boston College basketball staff (four years in a row)
• Dude Who Most Needs a Xanax, as named in the 1994 Boston College yearbook
• Sexiest Man Alive, according to Beet-Face Magazine

Bill Curley, 1994 Classic (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 7)

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)

Name: Dana Stubblefield
Teams: San Francisco 49ers, Kansas Jayhawks
Position: Defensive tackle
Value of card: 2 ounces of stubble, shaved
Key 1992 stat: 82-2 record at Hungry Hungry Hippos
49ers' scouting report on first-round pick Dana Stubblefield: "This big kid could be a force if we find him a helmet that fits. ... Despite his high school-looking uniform, he did play in college. ... His use of a tube sock for an elbow pad and a bandanna for a belt shows he's resourceful. ... We'll ask this kid to wear those blue gloves when he's doing the dishes. ... In a surprising coincidence, our owners had plans to change the name Candlestick Park to Stubble Field. ... If he doesn't work out on the defense, we can use his sweat to water three-quarters of the San Joaquin Valley. ... Pro body, collegiate bulge."

Dana Stubblefield, 1993-94 Skybox (Football Friday No. 109)