Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Name: Andrew Ference
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Defenseman
Value of card: One thumb. Not a thumbs-up, just a thumb.
Key  2010-11 stat: One angry wife
Here's how Andrew Ference spent his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Andrew woke up around 8 a.m. and ate cereal out of the Stanley Cup. He then took the cup out to the garage so he could keep admiring it while getting his young daughter, Stella, ready to go for a bike ride. Just then, he received an email linking to a hilarious video of a cat playing a keyboard. While watching the video on his iPhone, Andrew absentmindedly buckled the cup, instead of his child, into the baby trailer, and then hit the road. Upon finding her daughter lying on the floor in the garage, Andrew's wife grew angry and called the authorities and a private investigator to track him down. Soon, Andrew was being pursued by several photographers in a taxi and a pudgy police officer, but instead of stopping, he just gave everyone a big thumbs-up. When he returned home, Andrew's wife gave him a different finger.

Andrew Ference, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 7)

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Name: Prince Fielder
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: Not as much as the giant canvas it's printed on
Key 2013 stat: Had a baseball card even bigger than his contract
A Bust of historic proportions: Earlier this week, Topps unveiled the biggest baseball card ever made      a print of Prince Fielder's 2013 Topps Series 1 card. It certainly is impressive, but what's the most surprising thing about this colossal collectible?

A) Despite the huge image area, Topps still couldn't fit all of Fielder's butt on the card
B) That it covers more ground than Fielder can at first base (wait, no, that's not surprising)
C) That Fielder doesn't actually already use a 45-foot-long bat
D) That it featured the 2011 All-Star Game MVP instead of, you know, the 2011 AL MVP or maybe the 2012 triple crown winner.
E) That Jim Leyland wasn't out on the field smoking.

Photo courtesy of Topps

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Ben Gay, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 146)

Name: Ben Gay (yes!)
Team: Cleveland Browns Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: 6 ounces of analgesic heat rub
Key 2001 stat: 14 hours of clothes hanger tattooing
10 other players signed by the Colts in 2002:
10) Doctor Scholl
9) Paul Mitchell
8) Neo Sporin
7) K.Y. Jelli
6) Barb Asol (cheerleader)
5) Johnson N. Johnson
4) Arman Hammer
3) Icyhot Tigerbalm
2) Pedro Liam Gellie
1) Johnny Ointment

Ben Gay, 2002 Fleer Ultra (Football Friday No. 146)

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: 14 needle pricks

Key 1990 stat: One embarrassing tattoo

Time for another pop quiz:

What is that on Kirby Puckett's arm?

(A) A tattoo of his ridiculous puppy-dog name, "Kirby."

(B) The scrawling of a blind 6-year-old.

(C) An excuse to have a teammate roll up his sleeves.

(D) "It's a bulging biceps," Puckett tells photographer.

(E) All of the above.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Upper Deck

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Florida Marlins
Positions: Third base, badass
Value of card: 100 pounds of awesome
Key 1993 stat: 1,834 sneers
Holy crap: Look at Gary Sheffield's scorpion tattoo. It's obvious that the sleeves of his shirt tore themselves off and ran away when they saw that thing coming. Even his color-coordinated wristbands freaking rule. Plus, you can tell by the look on his face that he's about to hit a baseball approximately 12,000 feet. This got us here at the Bust wondering what things are more badass than Gary Sheffield in this photo. Here they are, in reverse order:

10) Robot motorcycles
9) Dogs that shoot bees from their mouths
8) The A-Team
7) People juggling chain saws
6) Lions riding horses
5) Guitars made of lightning
4) Gun-wielding, shark-surfing bears
3) Thunderstorms made by volcanoes
2) Gary Sheffield in this exact pose with an actual scorpion on his arm
1) America

Gary Sheffield, 1994 Upper Deck