Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Name: Drew Gooden
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Position: Forward
Value of card: Several polygonal shapes
Key 2002-03 stat: Nothing good(en)
We drew up this pop quiz for you: Why is Drew Gooden so livid?

A) He was told he'd be lifting a 10-pound dumbbell, not this brutally heavy 15-pounder.
B) He's just doing an impression of the Grizzlies' logo.
C) He was expecting his photo to take up more than 20 percent of the card.
D) Two words: Bad barbecue.
E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Drew Gooden, 2002-03 NBA Hoops Stars (Heinous Hoops Week No. 6)

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Pat Falloon
Team: San Jose Sharks
Position: Right wing
Value of card: One consolation prize for missing out on drafting Eric Lindros
Key 1992-93 stat: Yet to be called "Fat Balloon" (except by his mother)
Time for The Caption, which may have run in the San Jose Mercury News in 1992, as far as you know: "San Jose Sharks forward Pat Falloon goes for a joyride past several animal pens after hotwiring a road paver from a San Jose construction site Sunday. Falloon was quickly stopped and taken into custody on charges of grand theft auto and indecent exposure, thanks to the shorts he was wearing."

Pat Falloon, 1992-93 Pinnacle Sidelines (Stanley Cup Week No. 5)

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: Whatever you find in his diaper
Key 1993 stat: 24th season, but not his last
Quotes from Charlie Hough about his role on the Florida Marlins:

• "A lot of guys my age are in Florida. They're just retired."
• "This teal uniform really balances well with my liver spots."
• "My great-grandkids are looking forward to going to Disney World the next time they visit."
• "Anyone got any extra Vaseline? My curveball's biting about as hard as I do with my teeth out."
• "Wait, you're telling me this a Major League team? I though it was semi-pro, at best. I mean, look at this outfit!"

Charlie Hough, 1993 Topps Team Stadium Club

Mike Hampton, 1992 Bowman

Name: Mike Hampton
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 16 frayed threads
Key 1991 stat: 22 sessions of modeling lessons
10 places you might have seen Mike Hampton in 1992:
10) In an alley, buying a knockoff Casio digital watch
9) At a golf tournament, playing poorly with the wrong kind of balls
8) In a salon, getting his hair professionally parted
7) At the 16th annual Thick Neck Convention
6) On a baseball field, unable to play because he forgot his uniform
5) In the Hamptons
4) Just about any frat house at just about any university
3) At your sister's, juggling his balls
2) Rifling through Seattle-area Gap garbage bins
1) Sears catalog

Mike Hampton, 1992 Bowman

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Name: Alex Arias
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Infield
Value of card: A blue piece of construction paper
Key 1992 stat: Zero Marlins franchises for another year
Another stunning accomplishment: We have to hand it to Topps. The Marlins major league franchise hadn't played a game before the 1993 season, but somehow the card company figured out an ingenious way to capture the action of the game and the players in their fledgling team's uniforms. Wow, what an accomplishment. Can you imagine how many meetings of the best and brightest at Topps it took to come up with such a brilliant idea? Just look at that background: stunning. And how smart is it to have the player sit there with a bat? The genius boggles the mind. And, as if they hadn't already showcased their smarts enough, the Topps brass had Arias look at the camera and smile. Wow. Again, we're awestruck by greatness, and, today, we're standing here slack-jawed against a background of blue.

Alex Arias, 1993 Topps

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Name: Florida Marlins
Team: See above
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting fish guts
Key 2000 stat: 4,400 night crawlers
The 2000 Florida Marlins, By the Numbers:

42: Players and coaches on this card
41: Players and coaches on this card who aren't a child who snuck into the photo (We're looking at you, Mr. Bottom Row, Far Left)
23: Players and coaches who had fished
33: Players who smelled like fish
41: Players posing respectfully
1: Player suggestively covering his junk with his hands (third row, fourth from right)
50: Years of Topps cards
50,000: Topps cards better than this one

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Name: Dave Weathers
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 fish bones, regurgitated
Key 1992 stat: 365 weather forecasts watched
10 "Weathers" descriptions during this photo shoot:
10) "Cloudy with a chance of ineptitude"
9) "Overcast ... as a decent pitcher"
8) "Mock turtleneck weather"
7) "Looks like rain; smells like fish"
6) "Rain with glimpses of blinding teal"
5) "Whiteout condition"
4) "It's raining cats, dogs and eyebrows out there"
3) "Showers — intermittent as best"
2) "Driving bangs across the forehead"
1) "Ugly out there"

Dave Weathers, 1993 Topps

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Name: Benito Santiago
Team: Jimmy Dean's team, apparently
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two rotting sausage patties, regurgitated by a dog
Key 1992 stat: Six clogged arteries
Mr. Dean, we salute you: Wow. It's amazing when you're in the presence of greatness. Not only does this impressive card feature the one-and-only Benito Santiago sporting a wraparound mustache, it features the JD cowboy boot logo, meaning it's another example of the sensational sausage spectacle that is the Jimmy Dean collection. First, we met a young, mustachioed Ken Griffey Jr., who liked his sausage like he liked his women: short, thick and brown. Then we were introduced to Frank Thomas, who had eaten so many succulent sausages that his body wouldn't even fit within the card's frame. Now, we get Benito, still no Major League Baseball logos, still no team, but, for the first time in the Jimmy Dean collection, a whole lot of teal. Dig in, America. This is one tasty Jimmy Dean set.

Benito Santiago, 1993 Jimmy Dean Sausage Collection

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Names: Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy
Teams: Florida Marlins and Atlanta Braves
Positions: Outfield and first base, first base and outfield
Value of card: A couple of greenbacks (make that “tealbacks”)
Key 1993 stat: Two men, one pair of underwear
It’s time for a cross-era version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Months since last haircut (Winner: Murphy)
Round 2: Ability to fit through a mouse hole (Winner: Conine)
Round 3: Yellow teeth visible even in black-and-white (Winner: Murphy)
Round 4: Number of hours spent sleeping in a shoe (Winner: Conine)
Round 5: Recycled beer league jersey (Winner: Murphy)
Round 6: Outfits stolen from Ken dolls (Winner: Conine)
Round 7: Ability to crush the other’s organs like a fast-food ketchup packet (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Murphy 4, Conine 3, Ties 0

Synopsis: Jeff Conine may be small, but he had a big crush on Murphy, his idol. But Murphy didn’t care, choosing instead to physically crush the miniature Conine between his thumb and forefinger, thereby crushing it in The Matchup.

Jeff Conine and Dale Murphy, 1994 Pinnacle The Idols

Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert, 1996 Topps

Names: Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert
Teams: St. Louis Cardinals, San Diego Padres, Florida Marlins, Oakland A's
Positions: Pitchers, one and all
Value of card: Failure x 4
Key 1995 stat: An ounce of talent between them
"Prospects" is a loose term: This card is a Mt. Rushmore of suck. A four-way Matchup has never been done at the Bust, but these guys are begging to be mocked, round by round.

Round 1: Monobrow (Winner: Wengert, in a runaway)
Round 2: Major league ERA under 6 (Winner: Valdes)
Round 3: Inability to spell "Mark" (Winner: Tie, Kroon and Valdes)
Round 4: Resemblance to Steve Buscemi (Winner: Barber)
Round 5: Resemblance to Marsellus Wallace in "Pulp Fiction" (Winner: Kroon)
Round 6: Resemblance to a caveman (Winner: Wengert)
Round 7: Fantasy baseball ownership, all time (Winner: Nobody)
Round 8: Facial hair (Winner: Barber)
Round 9: Teal (Winner: Valdes)
Round 10: Photo taken at a college party (Winner: Barber)

Career win totals Score: Barber 3, Valdes 2.5, Wengert 2, Kroon 1.5

Synopsis: As usual, none of these four stands out. But since somebody has to win from this collage of crappiness, we'll go ahead and give it to the dude who doesn't look like he's constipated.

Brian Barber, Marc Kroon, Marc Valdes, Don Wengert, 1996 Topps

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ramon Martinez
Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Second base

Value of card: Lots of body-image issues
Key career stats: Zero major league at-bats; zero AAA at-bats
He ain't heavy, and he ain't Pedro's brother: Sometimes, we here at the Bust have to do a little research. Sometimes. We usually try to avoid work. But for Ramon Martinez, we had to do a lot of research. Seriously, who is this guy? He's not the gawky Dodgers pitcher. He's not the former Giants third baseman. In fact, we have no idea how he got this Marlins uniform. Dude never sniffed the bigs. As Baseball-Reference.com puts it, "He hit .241/.280/.289 [in AA in 1994], demonstrating that his bat was not of major league caliber." And is it any wonder? Look at those tiny, spindly legs and the goiter-like bulge! The poor little guy probably couldn't run 5 feet without toppling over.

Ramon Martinez, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Scott Pose

Team: Florida Marlins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: Cat crap

Key 1992 stat: Two ear flaps

Reaction from Topps Stadium Club photographer upon meeting Pose, 1993: "So, let me get this straight. It says here your last name is Pose. Pose? Really? Like your 'posing' in a horrendous uniform for a terrible baseball card? Hold on, hold on. I got to call my buddy. (silence as giant mobile phone rings) Hello, Dale? You'll never believe this. I'm taking a picture of some guy named Pose. Yeah, I know, ridiculous, huh? Yeah, you should see this guy's batting helmet. It's huge. Two ear flaps, the whole deal. (photographer extends index finger in Pose's direction, signaling for the player to hold on for a few moments) No, no. I'm serious. The guy hasn't moved a muscle since I got here. He's like a robot, just standing there, motionless, with this humongous helmet that nearly goes down to his shoulders. Yeah, Pose. (laughs) Pose hasn't changed his pose in 10 minutes. Total schmuck. (puts down phone) OK, Pose, just stand right there and don't move. Yeah, you're a natural, pal."

Scott Pose, 1993 Topps Stadium Club