Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Team USA, Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Six nights' stay at the Fleabag Motel in Millington, Tenn.
Key 1946 stat: One photo printed on Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press
Welcome to "Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week: We're celebrating one of the biggest and baddest sluggers of the 1990s with a full week of cringe-inducing cards from such esteemed companies as Topps, Upper Deck and BDK Card Co. Umm, what company? Anyway, Thomas is the subject of some of the worst card concepts in history, having been the No. 1 collected player during the industry's boom years of the early to mid-1990s. For him, this proved embarrassing. For us, it's something to ridicule between binges of Winner's Cup vodka. Want a few examples? How about cards that utilize lightning, MTV and dynamite. Think those are terrible? This week has six more days.
Team USA's scouting report on young Frank Thomas: "This guy is as American as apple pie, bald eagles and crappy baseball cards produced in garages by losers trying to scam kids out of their allowance. ... I foresee a bright future for him — in a Chuck Norris movie. ... Talk about patriotism. That's not our uniform; he walks around supporting America. ... Looks good in a USA jersey made in China. ... A five-tool player: hits for power, hits for average, throws well, fields great and tucks shirts with the best of them. ... Excellent future in mesh. ... Could be great for the Red, White and Blue if we could find a photo of him that's not black-and-white. ... Easily the best player in Millington, Tenn. OK, the only player in Millington, Tenn."

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Name: Frank Shorter
Event: Athletics Marathon
Medal count: One gold in 1972, one silver in 1976
Value of card: Three Barbie dresses
Key 1972 stat: 114 pounds
A manly competition: It was a steamy day in Munich, the streets covered in dust, sweat and the fallen dreams of so many athletes. The gaze of the world beat down as fierce as the sun, breaking most men who dared to seek glory in the refuge of the day. Through the thick air and unrelenting pain rose one man, a runner, but a runner who would never run from anything. Anguished step after anguished step he plowed ahead, an American on German soil. Past one, and then another, he ran. With each lunge millions held their breath, with each heartbeat he strode closer to the ultimate goal that no one, earthly or otherwise, could keep from him: a gold medal in the 1972 Munich Olympic Games' run-like-a-sissy-girl marathon.

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Name: Bob Beamon

Event: Athletics? Really? How about "track and field," Olympic Cards?

Medal count: 1 gold

Value of card: 3 handfuls of Mexico City dirt

Key 1968 stat: World record long jump of approximately 417.6 feet

10 things Bob Beamon yelled while jumping: 

10) Cowabunga!

9) OOOOOOOOOOOO BABY!

8) Hola, Ciudad de Mexico!

7) This jump has parted my hair!

6) A.S. U.! Wait! S.U.A.! Wait! U.S.A.!

5) J-j-j-j-jockstrap!

4) This speed has me so high!

3) Oh em gee!

2) Takealookatmybulgeworld!

1) Heil!

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Tony Phillips

Team: USA! USA! USA!
Positions: Pitcher, patriot
Value of card: Freedom ain't free; this card is
Key 1991 stat: 50 stars on flag, zero stars on this card
Opposing team's scouting report on pitcher Tony Phillips: "This kid loves his country almost as much as he loves posing for worthless baseball cards. ... Wow! He's a master of disguise. ... Once threw a ball at a Commie. An 88-year-old Commie, but a Commie nonetheless. ... We'll need to cover up those childish rosy-red cheeks with a lot of eye black. ... Smart kid. Reps the card company on his sleeve during a photo shoot for the card company. ... Sleeps in the nude with only a star-spangled banner. ... Told a scout he's so American, he keeps a Washington Monument in his pants. ... Lathers himself in apple pie whenever he's alone. ... Will bean any opposing player who supports the metric system."

Tony Phillips, 1992 Topps Team USA

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA

Name: Phil Nevin

Team: Team USA

Positions: Shortstop, third base, patriot

Value of card: 12 cents (U.S.)

Key 1991 stat: One country defended — with a baseball bat

President George H.W. Bush's scouting report of Phil Nevin, circa 1991: "Read my lips: no new Nevins. ... Saddam's got nothing on this new breed of American soldier. ... Much better neck feathers than Quayle. ... Will instill fear in the hearts of our enemies with his 116-pound frame. ... He'll be a big part of the Department of Defense, as soon as he graduates from seventh grade. ... We'll need to get him a new hat for his clandestine work. ... This guy's got ears like Perot, but I like him anyway."

Phil Nevin, 1992 Topps Team USA