Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Name: Joe Altobelli and the San Francisco Giants
Team: See above
Position: Manager and the team
Value of card: One-quarter of a cent for each player on the card
Key 1978 stat: 22 fights with the Dodgers
Let's take a look at Joe Altobelli and the 1979 Giants by the numbers:

36: Players and coaches in uniform
36: Players and coaches chewing tobacco in this photo
11: Players and coaches who could play at a big-league level
3: Clubhouse guys wearing satin jackets that could sell for $200 each on eBay to San Francisco hipsters
6: Players sitting on boxes filled with homeless people sleeping
1: Player ruining the photo by looking off camera (We're looking at you, front row far right)
1: Player taking lounging to an uncomfortable level (We're looking at you, middle row second from right)
1: Unhappy manager

Joe Altobelli, 1979 Topps

Detroit Lions, 1982 Fleer (Football Friday No. 194)

Name: Detroit Lions (some of them, at least)
Team: See above
Position: Live, in action!
Value of card: Being stuck outside in Detroit in December
Key 1982 stat: Not very many wins
Changing history: "Setting Up the Screen Pass" is a perfectly fine title for the above card. Here are a few options Fleer decided against.

• Setting Up for Failure
• Another Losing Season
• It Kind of Looks Like 44 is Touching 70's Butt
• Eric Hipple's Longest Pass of the Year
• At Least the Field Appears to Be in Good Shape ... Oh, Wait
• Maybe this Series Wasn't Such a Good Idea

Detroit Lions, 1982 Fleer (Football Friday No. 194)

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Name: Chris Hanburger (at left, we think)
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: All the money in a wishing well (coins excluded)
Key 1973 stat: Led the league in booty
Chris Hanburger's pep talk to his teammates in the above photo: "Men, it seems like we've been playing catch-up all season long, getting ourselves in a pickle game after game. And because we haven't been playing our buns off, our record isn't one to relish. But that doesn't mean anyone's going to come out here and let us win! Look at the Patriots, over there, thinking they can grill us even if they're dressed like a marching band and carrying a flag around. I've got a real beef with them, and you should, too! It's about time we mustered up some courage and strength, so that at the end of the day we can earn a rare victory and consider this a job well done!"

Chris Hanburger, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 151)

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Name: Florida Marlins
Team: See above
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 3 pounds of rotting fish guts
Key 2000 stat: 4,400 night crawlers
The 2000 Florida Marlins, By the Numbers:

42: Players and coaches on this card
41: Players and coaches on this card who aren't a child who snuck into the photo (We're looking at you, Mr. Bottom Row, Far Left)
23: Players and coaches who had fished
33: Players who smelled like fish
41: Players posing respectfully
1: Player suggestively covering his junk with his hands (third row, fourth from right)
50: Years of Topps cards
50,000: Topps cards better than this one

Florida Marlins, 2001 Topps

Golden State Warriors, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 4)

Name: Golden State Warriors
Team: Kind of
Position: Usually near the bottom of the standings
Value of card: Nothing golden
Key 1990-91 stat: Zero city names in team name
Some of the things the Warriors are talking about in this huddle:

• Both of the times they played well in 1991-92
• Where "Golden State" is located on a map
• Chris Mullin's self-haircuts
• Ways to hide their faces on a basketball card
• The proper time for a five-man smooch
• The Ultimate Warrior
• Escape routes out of Oakland to avoid getting shot
• The "golden state" of sweaty neck rolls on this team

Golden State Warriors, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Another Freakin' Basketball Week No. 4)

Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

Names (clockwise from left): Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: One quasi-racist rallying cry
Key 1993 stat: A whole bunch of wins
It's an all-aces Matchup:

Round 1: Creepiness (Winner: Avery)
Round 2: Photoshopped into this card (Winner: Maddux)
Round 3: Facial hair (Winner: Smoltz, by default)
Round 4: Unnecessary sleeves (Winner: Smoltz)
Round 5: Not actually as good as it seemed (Winner: Avery)
Round 6: Laziness (Winner: Glavine)
Round 7: Knowing that chicks dig the long ball (Winner: Tie between Glavine and Maddux)
Round 8: Being a little too happy to touch Tom Glavine (Winner: Smoltz)

Final score: Smoltz 3, Avery 2, Glavine 1.5, Maddux 1.5

Synopsis: As in life, Steve Avery got off to a hot start only to have his run derailed by mediocrity. Instead, John Smoltz closes out the win late, multiple Cy Youngs be damned.

Steve Avery, Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Tom Glavine, 1993 Upper Deck

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Names: John Kruk, Dave Hollins, Lenny Dykstra (seated), Darren Daulton
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions, respectively: First base, catcher, outfield, third base
Value of card: One ingrown nail
Key 1992 stat: 70 wins
Things we know and things we don't know about these guys:

• We know Kruk liked to get hammered, all right.
• We don't know why Dykstra appears to be wearing some sort of satin cravat.
• We know, or at least assume, that Hollins looked like a wolverine with his shirt off.
• We don't know what's going on with Daulton's bulge. But we can't stop staring.
• We don't know why Dykstra had to make the nails look like a phallus. That's just weird.
• We know that Daulton is a little too happy to be in this photo. 
• We don't know why Daulton is into this Mayan calendar crap, but we wish he'd knock it off, Creep-o.
• We know that Kruk should never wear a turtleneck again. Ever. Good lord.

John Kruk, Darren Daulton, Lenny Dykstra, Dave Hollins, 1993 Upper Deck Team Stars

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Ken Griffey Sr., clockwise from top, Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Two of the three at the kids' table
Value of card: 3 cents (2 cents for Junior, 1 cent for Senior, zilch for Craig)
Key 1991 stat: Four family barbecues a month
It's time for The Matchup, Bloodlines version:

Round 1: Talent, baseball, 1990s-2000s (Winner: Griffey Jr.)
Round 2: Talent, baseball, 1970s-1980s (Winner: Griffey Sr.)
Round 3: Talent, sweeping floors, 1980s-2000s (Winner: Craig)
Round 4: Talent, blueberry muffin making (Winner: Craig)
Round 5: Talent, crocheting (Winner: Craig)
Round 6: Talent, hugs for Grandma Griffey (Winner: Craig)
Round 7: Talent, riding coattails (Winner: Craig)

Score: Craig 5, Junior 1, Senior 1

Synopsis: In a surprising turn of events, the surefire Hall of Famer and his all-star father go down to a little-known cousin for whom posing for a 1992 baseball card proved to be the closest he would ever get to the big leagues.

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Mets Leaders, 1987 Topps

Name: Mets Leaders
Team: New York Mets
Positions: All of them
Value of card: 11 drug addicts on team
Key 1986 stats: See below
Full list of the New York Mets' 1986 team leaders:
Most curls in perm: Gary Carter
Most free stays at crappy motels: Howard Johnson
Most practical jokes by a guy with a mullet: Roger McDowell
Most appearances on "Seinfeld": Keith Hernandez
Most darling player: Ron Darling
Most alcohol binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden
Most cocaine binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden
Most crack binges: (Tie) Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden

Mets Leaders, 1987 Topps

Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton

Teams: Detroit Tigers, Motown Mashers Junkyard Inc.

Positions: Designated hitter, catcher; demolition specialists

Value of card: One rusted-out catalytic converter from a 1976 Buick Skyhawk

Key 1992 stat: 12 vehicles beat with baseball bats into 3-foot-by-3-foot squares, one hour

Taking it to Detroit for The Matchup:

Round 1: Bulge, belly bulge (Winner: Fielder)

Round 2: Eye black overuse (Winner: Tettleton)

Round 3: Double obnoxious armbands (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Rape stare (Winner: Tettleton)

Round 5: Facial hair of a hobo (Winner: Fielder)

Round 6: Not-so-distant future actually working in a junkyard (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Tiger-licious man boobs (Winner: Fielder)

Score: Fielder 3, Tettleton 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: It was gut-check time for these Detroit power hitters, and that could only mean one thing: Cecil Fielder and his 414 pounds of grrrrrrrr-th overcame Mickey Tettleton and his scary stare on the larger Tiger's way to eating his way out of baseball and becoming a sweat-stained wrecking yard worker.

Cecil Fielder and Mickey Tettleton, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Charlotte Hornets, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 7)

Team: Charlotte Hornets

Value of card: 13,000 spacebucks (or 1.625 cents)

Key 1991 stat: 20 players, coaches and mascots in orbit

A space case: The geniuses behind the NBA Hoops basketball card division of the National Basketball Association outdid themselves with the 1991-92 set. They had traditional cards featuring all the league's players. They had checklists and coach cards. But that wasn't enough. They decided to add a subset of franchise cards, each featuring a team doing something related to the organization's name. Some made sense, others, as can been seen in the card above, did not. Sure, hornets, the winged insects, fly. But hornets, science has proved, could not survive in space. And though Saturn and basketballs could both loosely be qualified as gaseous, Saturn is primarily hydrogen, while a blown-up basketball contains mostly nitrogen and oxygen. Also, a man dressed as a turquoise stinging insect with a headband could not stand on top of a planet. And unlike Saturn, the Hornets have no rings.

Charlotte Hornets, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (Basketball Week No. 7)

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Names: Lenny Dykstra, aka Dr. Dirt; Dale Murphy, aka Mr. Clean

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Positions: Outfielders

Value of card: 10 percent off your next dry-cleaning bill

Key 1990 stat: One picture taken at a JC Penney photo studio

Look out, it's The Matchup:

Round 1: Alliteration in fake name (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 2: Presentability (Winner: Murphy)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 4: Made-up doctorate degrees (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 5: Awkwardness (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Mock turtlenecks (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 7: Veiny wrists (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Dykstra 4, Murphy 2 (Ties, 1)

Synopsis: Despite having a very, very noticeable edge in height and veins, Murphy (and the rest of us) can't overcome Dykstra's absurd, dirt-covered bulge.

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Names: Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Pacific Sock Exchange
Positions: Left, center and right field
Value of card: Five bats
Key 1992 stat: 490 socks exchanged
It's time for The Matchup, trio-style — 2 points for a win, 1 point for a tie:

Round 1: Number of bats (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 2: Stockiness (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 3: Lack of expression (Winner: Griffey)
Round 4: Boyish pranks (Winner: Buhner)
Round 5: Socks (Winner: Inconclusive, as they're constantly being exchanged)
Round 6: Sleeves (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 7: Best use of metal suitcase (Winner: Griffey)
Round 8: Mock turtlenecks: (Winner: Tie between Mitchell and Buhner)
Round 9: Bulge (Winner: Mitchell)
Round 10: Having same name as father (Winner: Griffey)

Final score: Mitchell 8, Griffey 6, Buhner 4

Kevin Mitchell, Ken Griffey Jr., Jay Buhner, 1993 Upper Deck Teammates

Ken Griffey Sr. & Jr., 1991 Mothers Cookie insert

Names: Ken Griffey Sr. and Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Left field, center field, respectively
Value of card: One adult magazine
Key 1990 stat: One family financial crisis
Dark days for the Griffey clan: Despite the cancellation of their TV sitcom, "Griffey and Son," the Griffey family seemed to be in good financial shape in 1990. But Junior's uncontrolled taxidermy purchases and growing collection of Russian nesting dolls soon tapped the household's resources. Father and son were forced into desperate measures, including a seedy photo shoot for Butt Fancy magazine. One of the few family-friendly pictures from the session is seen here. The photo spread, titled "King Domes," caused an uproar within the Seattle Mariners community. Team president Jeff Smulyan stepped in, loaning the pair money to live on — under the condition that Junior stop buying so many darned jackalopes.

Ken Griffey Sr. & Jr., 1991 Mothers Cookie insert

Ripken Baseball Family, 1988 Donruss

Names: Billy Ripken, from left, Cal Ripken Sr., Cal Ripken Jr.

Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Second Base, Convalescent Home, Shortstop, respectively

Value of card: 1 cent for each Ripken

Key 1987 stat: None for Billy; many for Cal Jr.

Step 1 is Prevention: Child abuse is no laughing matter. The physical or psychological mistreatment of those younger than 18 happens in thousands of homes across the United States. There are five major categories of child abuse: neglect, physical abuse, psychological-emotional abuse, sexual abuse and baseball abuse. The latter is a growing concern among psychologists and law enforcement agencies. A majority of baseball abuse is the result of a father's dashed dreams of playing professional baseball. A boy becomes a man and longs to become a big leaguer, and when he ends up the manager of a mediocre baseball team in Maryland, he can snap. His eldest son, for instance, may be forced to become obsessed with the game, believing it is his responsibility to never take off a day, usually for about 2,632 games. This affliction can surface in the form of delusions, in which a shortstop turned third baseman, for instance, believes he is an "Iron Man," an archetypal superhero who can bat .323 with 34 home runs and 114 RBIs in 1991. Baseball abuse can also be seen in less talented siblings of "Iron Men," who under the crushing influence of a successful manager father will bounce from team to team over a 12-year career, never hitting more than four home runs in a season.

Ripken Baseball Family, 1988 Donruss