Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Trey Beamon
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One-third of a Chuck E. Cheese token
Key 1995 stat: Beat your high score on "Daytona USA"
It's The Caption, which might have (but didn't) run in the Pittsbugh Post-Gazette around 1996: "Pirates rookie Trey Beamon plays a racing game at a local video arcade Tuesday. It was a welcome change of pace for Beamon, who has been playing nothing but 'Punch-Out' at the plate so far this season."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Trey Beamon, 1996 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Jason Arnott
Team: Edmonton Oilers
Position: Center
Value of card: 2-for-1 fun pass to World Waterpark
Key 1994-95 stat: Didn't do much oiling
It's The Caption, which never ran in the Edmonton Journal circa January 1995: "Oilers center Jason Arnott rides a water slide at World Waterpark on Tuesday in Edmonton, despite the sub-freezing temperatures and the park being closed. After his joyride, Arnott was treated at a local hospital for hypothermia and later cited for trespassing and urinating in the pool, which Arnott said he only did in an effort to stay warm."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jason Arnott, 1994-95 Upper Deck Be A Player (Another Hockey Week No. 5)

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Name: Carlos Delgado
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: First base
Value of card: The same as if it had been soaked in water
Key 1997 stat: One Oozinator purchased
Cool off with this edition of The Caption, which likely didn't run in the Toronto Sun circa 1997: "Blue Jays first baseman Carlos Delgado demonstrates his displeasure with home plate umpire Rich Garcia's strike zone by firing a high-powered water gun at the umpiring crew Thursday at the Rogers Centre in Toronto. Garcia, after being drenched, went over to the Blue Jays dugout, confiscated the toy and told a pouting Delgado that he could have it back after the game was over."

Carlos Delgado, 1998 Score

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Ivan Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of "pudge"
Key 1997 stat: Thighs the size of Greek pillars
It's the latest edition of The Caption, which definitely did not run in the Dallas Morning News circa 1998: "Rangers catcher Ivan 'Pudge' Rodriguez has some impish fun with teammate Juan Gonzalez by distracting Gonzalez with a little game of 'Look Up My Shorts' before hitting him in the face with a medicine ball Thursday morning in Arlington."

Ivan Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Name: Magglio Ordonez
Team: Detroit Tigers®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of Tiger Balm
Key 2004 stat: 215 long, long nights spent in Detroit
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure didn't run in the Detroit Free Press in 2005: "Magglio Ordonez, center, participates in a line-dancing routine in the middle of Grand Circus Park in downtown Detroit instead of showing up at Comerica Park for a Tigers game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim while wearing a mock turtleneck and getting mocked because his sweeps and turns weren't in lockstep with the senior citizens who organized the line-dancing event that Ordonez crashed Tuesday in Detroit."

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Name: Reggie Jackson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's clear it's worth nothing
Key 1972 stat: 2,216 photos of Jackson in 1972 better than this one
It's time for The Caption, which we know didn't run in the Oakland Tribune in the early 1970s: "Reggie Jackson, center, might be throwing a ball from the outfield at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in a game against the Chicago White Sox, but because the photo is so blurry we're not even sure this was against the White Sox, or even that it was taken during a baseball game, or, for that matter, whether it's really Jackson, on Tuesday in Oakland, maybe."

Reggie Jackson, 1973 Topps

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Name: Rickey Jackson
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: One paper bag, worn over the head
Key 1989 stat: 74 tackles (of his barber)
Here's a Caption that likely didn't run in the New Orleans Times-Picayune circa 1989: "Saints linebacker Rickey Jackson shows off his new haircut during Sunday's game in Chicago, claiming its design gives him an aerodynamic advantage on the field. However, when asked how that advantage worked once his helmet was on, Jackson stuttered and then broke down in tears, admitting to losing a bet over how many pimento loaf sandwiches he could eat in one sitting after coming up three short of the wagered mark of 60."

Rickey Jackson, 1989 Topps (Football Friday No. 212)

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 ounces of the part of a pirate's peg leg that touches the stump
Key 1980 stat: 20 stars on his Little League hat
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Kent Tekulve, center, does a funky chicken dance on the mound while wearing aviator shades, one of the best baseball caps of all time and a uniform that blinded 12 fans who were already blind after throwing a sidearm slurve for the Pirates against the New York Mets at Three Rivers Stadium on a sweltering June day with 98 percent humidity made hotter by Tekulve's school-bus-yellow jersey and pants in Pittsburgh on Wednesday."

Kent Tekulve, 1981 Topps

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

Name: Donnell Thompson
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Defensive end, giant
Value of card: Helplessness
Key 1990 stat: Judging by this card, he was 8'4", 403 lbs.
It's a Football Friday Caption, which likely didn't run in the Indianapolis Star sometime in 1990: "Packers quarterback Blair Kiel futilely winds up to pass to a target he almost certainly cannot see shortly before having more than half of the bones in his body mercilessly crushed by Colts defender and oversize human Donnell Thompson on Sunday in Green Bay, Wisc."

Donnell Thompson, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 208)

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Name: John Castino
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 times mistaken for a sickly Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's time for The Caption, which we're pretty sure never ran in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in 1981: "John Castino, above, pretends to be in his batting stance despite being turned the wrong way on the field before a game in Chicago against the White Sox during which his duck face pose frightened 11 children in the stands and sent seven of his teammates into uncontrollable fits of laughter on Tuesday."

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Name: Don Shula
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Coach
Value of card: A pound of neon chalk dust
Key 1990 stat: Mentioned 2,497 times that the '72 Dolphins went undefeated
It's a Football Friday edition of The Caption, which might have appeared in the Miami Herald circa 1990: "Dolphins head coach Don Shula attempts to laugh off being ditched by a group of his players at a Latin nightclub late Friday night in downtown Miami. Shula sat quietly in a corner for two hours, his smile eventually turning to tears, before Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino showed up, carried Shula out of the club in his arms and placed him in the passenger seat of his car."

Don Shula, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 202)

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 fans blinded by Koosman's baby-blue uniform
It's time for a Twin Cities edition of The Caption, which absolutely did not appear in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in the early 1980s: "Jerry Koosman, center, of the Minnesota Twins stands motionless for the third of five hours while frightening dozens of fans who dare cross the path of his evil devil stare before a game — which he wouldn't play in mainly because of his age but also because his manager held a grudge after Koosman once told him he got his last name when he was dating the manager's daughter —  at Metropolitan Stadium against the Detroit Tigers when it was 22 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of 11 on Tuesday in Minneapolis."

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Name: Willie Stargell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Two of those ironed-on stars on his cap
Key 1980 stat: 16 inches of stirrups
It's time for The Caption, which most likely did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Hall of Famer and Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Willie Stargell (center) sinks under the weight of his massive flip-down sunglasses while wearing a bumblebee Halloween costume featuring a Little League cap, a YMCA-turned-Goodwill wristband and stirrups long enough to serve as a car's timing belt during a game against the Cubs in the laughably cold Windy City weather in April 1980 at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Tuesday or maybe Wednesday."

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

Name: Wayne Twitchell
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Pitcher, child of the night
Value of card: One drop of blood on your new shirt
Key 1978 stat: Two sharp fangs
It's a Canadian Caption, which possibly ran in the Montreal Gazette circa 1979: "Expos pitcher and known vampire Wayne Twitchell attempts to shield his eyes from the sun shortly before turning to dust after mistakenly taking the field during daylight hours at spring training Tuesday in Daytona Beach, Fla. Twitchell, who had been undead since the early 15th century, ventured outside Tuesday morning after mishearing a conversation about bloody marys, only to be destroyed by the harsh light of day."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Wayne Twitchell, 1979 Topps

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Name: David Robinson
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Center
Value of card: 71 seaman jokes
Key 1992-93 stat: Zero restful sleep
It's time for a military-style Caption, that likely didn't run in the Stars and Stripes circa 1992: "David Robinson sleeps in a pose that almost certainly won't lead to a back injury later in his career on a bunk next to a hybrid telephone-coffee maker after sneaking aboard the USS Toledo as part of a wild night with his former classmates at the U.S. Naval Academy reunion Saturday in Annapolis, Md."

David Robinson, 1992-93 Skybox Flagship Series (NBA Playoffs Week No. 3)

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Name: Fred Taylor
Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Position: Running back
Value of card: About the same as the value of the Pro Bowl
Key 2008 stat: Got lei'd once
It's an All-Pro edition of The Caption: "Jacksonville Jaguars running back Fred Taylor is greeted Sunday at the Pro Bowl in Honolulu by Jaguars mascot Jaxson de Ville, the only other being in Hawaii     including the visiting NFL players and coaches     that was aware that the Jaguars are an actual football team."

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Taylor, 2008 Upper Deck (Football Friday No. 196)

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Name: Kirt Manwaring
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An 8-ounce glass of San Francisco street puddle water
Key 1990 stat: 716 times opponents made snide comments about his last name
It's time for The Caption, which most likely never ran in The San Francisco Chronicle in the early 1990s: "Kirt Manwaring, left, of the San Francisco Giants, engages in a knock-down, drag-out fight with Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace, right, after a violent game of Twister that started when Grace barreled into Manwaring at home and challenged the catcher to a best-hair contest to decide whether the run would count despite the basic rules of baseball, which, obviously, disallow such childish behavior by two grown men with spectacular coifs, on Wednesday at Candlestick Park in San Francisco."

Kirt Manwaring, 1991 Score

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Name: Frank Brickowski
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Positions: Forward and center
Value of card: One half-eaten all-beef frank
Key 1990-91 stat: His most likely shot outcome was right there in his name
Time for The Caption, which possibly ran in the San Antonio Express sometime in 1990, maybe: "Spurs center Frank Brickowski looks confused while trying to inbound the ball during a rare on-court appearance Tuesday in San Antonio. Brickowski later said that he mistakenly checked into the game after mishearing coach Larry Brown, who was singing loudly to The Commodores' hit 'Brick House' during a timeout."

Frank Brickowski, 1990-91 NBA Hoops (Return of White Ballers Week No. 5)

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps