Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Name: Brian Hunter
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Westside crips
Positions: Outfield, thief
Value of card: It's worth — wait, where did that money go?
Key 1998 stat: 74 stolen bases (Get it? Get it?)
Let's take a look at Brian Hunter, by the numbers:

• 74: Stolen bases in 1997
• $62: Cost per base
• $4,588: Total cost of stolen bases
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment that Hunter ignored
• 12: Collection agencies that failed to find Hunter behind that mask
• 22: Charges brought against Hunter in a court of law
• 21: Charges on which Hunter was convicted (fashion police charge thrown out)
• 74: Years Hunter was sentenced to prison
• 1: Conviction reversed upon appeal on the grounds that baseball card company Topps was responsible for a gut-wrenching pun that forced Hunter into a life of crime

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Christian Laettner, 1992-93 Front Row (White Ballers Week No. 3)

Name: Christian Laettner

Teams: Duke Blue Devils, Minnesota Timberwolves

Position: Forward

Value of card: One stolen basketball net

Key 1991-92 stat: 90210 sideburns

Timberwolves' scouting report on No. 1 pick Christian Laettner: "Has a knack for stealing nets, let's hope that translates into in-game steals, too. ... Female fans will appreciate his resemblance to Luke Perry and Jason Priestley. ... If he doesn't work out on court, we can transfer him to the ladder division of the in-house hardware store. ... More of a white rascal than a Blue Devil. ... Name, Christian; religion, Muslim. ... Plus: He's one of the first white ballers to wear his shorts at a level that doesn't blind fans with pasty white thighs. ... Minus: He's still a white baller."

Christian Laettner, 1992-93 Front Row (White Ballers Week No. 3)

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Name: Rickey Henderson

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The dirt off his crotch

Key 1993 stat: Three fades a day

10 things Rickey Be Rickey did after this photo was taken, in order:

10) Tipped his cap to himself, in the third person, for literally stealing a base

9) Wiped the dirt off his uniform, focusing for 14 minutes below his belt and above his knees

8) Had the bat boy clean up his fade, which was out of place after sliding into second base

7) Proceeded to locker room, where he slipped base into a duffel bag

6) Got down into a base-stealing crouch and hustled to the shower

5) Slid head-first into his off-the-field clothes

4) Stole a teammate's necklace; stole another teammate's credit card; stole another teammate's wallet

3) Got a sign from the third-base coach and ran home

2) Spoke to himself between two bathroom mirrors, thereby inventing the fourth-person singular pronoun

1) Stole a few winks of sleep

Rickey Henderson, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base

Name: Rickey "Be Rickey" Henderson

Team: Oakland Athletics

Position: Left field, Thief

Value of card: Free, if stolen

Key 1991 stats: 1,000th stolen base (all in July); one awesome newspaper headline

Grand theft Rickey: Rickey Be Rickey was a burglar. Rickey Be Rickey stole 1,406 bases in his Hall-of-Fame career, and Rickey Be Rickey let everyone within earshot know it. Rickey Be Rickey would steal hot dogs from concession stands between pitches while at bat. Rickey Be Rickey stole hearts in every major league city. Rickey Be Rickey stole signs from opposing teams. Not "curve ball" or "pick-off attempt" hand signs, but actual team signs from locker rooms. Rickey Be Rickey stole identities. During the 1984 season, Rickey Be Rickey successfully disguised himself as Vince Coleman. Rickey Be Rickey didn't steal cars; Rickey Be Rickey stole entire dealerships. Rickey Be Rickey single-handedly stole speaking in the third person from the rest of America. Rickey Be Rickey stole kidneys from tourists in Bangkok, but instead of a knife he used his cleats. Rickey Be Rickey stole royalties and credibility from baseball card companies by scanning card images onto his computer, posting them on a blog and writing moronic stories about them. Rickey Be Rickey was that good.

Card submitted by Clay Deas

Rickey Henderson, 1992 Upper Deck Rickey's 1,000th Stolen Base