The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Names: Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Sr., Billy Ripken
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Positions: Shortstop, manager, second base
Value of card: 5 cents for Cal Jr., 1 cent for Cal Sr., minus 3 cents for Billy = 3 cents
Key 1988 stat: Zero family dinners free of arguments
It's time for a family-not-so-friendly edition of The Matchup, refereed by Cal Ripken Sr.:

Round 1: Fielding ("I got to go with my boy Cal Jr," Cal Sr. says.)
Round 2: Throwing ("Again, my son Cal has Billy beat here.")
Round 3: Hitting for average (Not even close; it's my son Cal.")
Round 4: Hitting for power (Not to pile on, Billy, but I have to go with your brother Cal.")
Round 5: Base running ("This might surprise you, but Billy can be an idiot on the base paths, so I have to go with Cal.")
Round 6: Bulge ("Just take a look at the picture: It's Cal all the way.")
Round 7: Baseball card history ("No one has a better card than my boy Billy. Love ya son!")

Score: Cal Jr. 6, Billy 1

Synopsis: No one knows Cal Sr.'s boys better than Dad, and it shows in this runaway win for the Hall of Famer, save for the greatest error card of all time.

The Ripkens, 1989 Bowman

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Names: Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr.
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: Second base, coach, catcher
Value of card: Two ants crawling on an old tube-style TV that was left by the side of the road
Key 1988 stat: Lots of brown clothes
"TV Guide" summary of a 1989 episode of the lowly regarded show "All Those Alomars": "Robby and Sandy Sr. pressure Junior to grow a mustache so he can be like them. Junior refuses and proceeds to shave his whole body in defiance. Robby and his dad argue over who plays second base better, and hijinks ensue. Junior squats a lot. The Griffeys make a guest appearance."

Roberto Alomar, Sandy Alomar Sr., Sandy Alomar Jr., 1989 Bowman

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Names: Pete Koegel, Mike Anderson, Wayne "W." Twitchell
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Catcher, outfielder, and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: A handful of sunflower seed shells, still moist
Key 1971 stat: Despite what the card says, not a lot of star power
These three rookies are headed for The Matchup:

Round 1: Wearing a hat with a baseball team's logo (Winner: Anderson)
Round 2: Posing for a photo in front of some desert foothills (Winner: Koegel)
Round 3: Only one of the group to ever make an all-star appearance (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 4: The eyes of a cybernetic organism (Winner: Koegel)
Round 5: The eyes of a shady drifter (Winner: Twitchell)
Round 6: Fashionably popped collar (Winner: Anderson)
Round 7: Cheekbones that we'd absolutely die for (Winner: Koegel)
Round 8: Surname that resembles the name of that exercise for lady parts (Winner: Koegel)

Final score: Koegel 4, Anderson 2, Twitchell 2

Synopsis: Despite having inhuman eyes and enough airbrush paint to make the editors of Vogue uneasy, Pete Koegel surged late for the win. Looks like all that squatting finally paid off.

Phillies Rookie Stars, 1972 Topps

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

Names: Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith
Team: Montreal Expos
Positions: Outfield, third base, pitcher
Value of card: One Canadian penny
Key 1981 stat: All impressed by something off to their right
It's time for a north-of-the-border Matchup:

Round 1: Too manly for actual vowels in first name (Winner: Smith)
Round 2: Too manly for baby blue uniforms (Winner: Mills)
Round 3: Future as a World Series-winning manager (Winner: Francona)
Round 4: Future as Nolan Ryan's record-setting strikeout victim (Winner: Mills)
Round 5: Future as an international mustache-growing competitor (Winner: Smith)
Round 6: Future as an Atrocious Donruss Diamond King (Winner: Smith)
Round 7: Fondness for chicken and beer (Winner: Francona)

Final score: Smith 3, Francona 2, Mills 2

Synopsis: The only man on this card old enough to grow facial hair is also the only man left standing after this futuristic Matchup. Congrats, Bryn; now use your winnings to buy a vowel, eh?

Terry Francona, Brad Mills, Bryn Smith, 1982 Topps

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Names: Some Mets
Team: See above
Positions: Flying, kneeling, kicking
Value of card: 1 cent for each moron in this photo
Key 1991 stat: 487 innings playing grab-ass
It's time for ultra-stupid pop quiz:

Just what the hell are these three Mets players doing?

(A) Practicing for second, more successful careers as mimes.
(B) Losing a baseball game.
(C) The guy on the left is diving; the guy on the ground is shooting dice; the guy on the right is walking like a toy soldier.
(D) "FUN AT THE BALLPARK"
(E) Demonstrating typical Mets baseball
(F) All of the above, except D.

New York Mets, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 7 ounces of fool's gold
Key 1992 stat: 25 passing touchdowns (by three Steve Youngs; that's more than eight each)
No matter the situation, Steve Young only had two responses:

Run ...
When defenders are rushing you.
When someone challenges you to a race.
When the ice-cream truck is down the street.
When someone flashes a golden bulge at you.

Gun ...
When you're hunting deer.
When you're defending your family from masked robbers.
When you bump into Raiders fans in a dark alley.
When someone puts an ampersand hat on your head.

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan, 2012 Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 3)

Names: Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan
Teams: Utah Jazz, Chicago Bulls, NWO
Positions: Forward, forward, suplex
Value of card: Getting whacked across the back with a metal folding chair
Key 1998 stat: Got oiled up and cavorted in front of thousands
It's time for MatchupMania 2013:

Round 1: More career elbow-drops (Winner: Hogan)
Round 2: More people dropped by elbows (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Wearing a cap to cover up a bald spot (Winner: Tie between Malone and Hogan)
Round 4: Appeared on a reality TV show (Winner: Tie between Rodman and Hogan)
Round 5: Most macho (Winner: Hogan)
Round 6: Not weighed down by bulky championship belts or rings (Winner: Malone)
Round 7: Rowdiest (Winner: Rodman)
Round 8: Most embarrassed by this whole episode (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Most familiar with the Iron Sheik's groin (Winner: Hogan)
Round 10: Wore a wedding dress (Winner: Rodman)
Round 11: Wore a tutu (Winner: Hogan)

Final score: Hogan 4, Malone 3, Rodman 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Sure, it was more brutal than Linda Hogan's botoxed face, but the Hulkster finally went top rope on these two wrestling wannabes. The victory isn't really that surprising, though, considering Rodman was probably drunk and Malone never could win much of anything.  

Karl Malone, Dennis Rodman, Hulk Hogan, 2012 Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 3)

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Names: Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston
Team: Birmingham Barons
Positions: Assorted coaches, pre-rookies (wait, what?)
Value of card: How can they be pre-rookies if they're coaches?
Key 1990 stat: That doesn't even make any sense!
This card is stupid: We give up. Let's just do a Matchup already.

Round 1: Concave chest (Winner: Tie between Peterson and Roessler)
Round 2: Convex belly (Winner: Hairston)
Round 3: Doesn't know what to do with hands (Winner: Hairston)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Roessler)
Round 5: Unnecessary collared shirt under jersey (Winner: Peterson)
Round 6: Glasses thick enough to stop a foul ball (Winner: Hairston)
Round 7: Pre-rookie (yes, we're still angry) (Winner: None)

Final score: Hairston 3, Peterson 1, Roessler 1 (Ties: 1; nonsense categories: 1)

Synopsis: All three of these guys are far past their pre-rookie days, but Hairston's overall awkwardness scares off the competition to earn him a win in this minor-league Matchup.

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Names: Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton
Teams: Utah Jazz, Western Conference All-Stars
Positions: Hall-of-Fame power forward, regular center, Hall-of-Fame point guard
Value of card: Four pasty legs
Key 1990 stat: 6,042 locker room jokes made off of Eaton's last name
It's time to bust some balls, Matchup style:

Round 1: Ginger beard (Winner: Eaton)
Round 2: Skin that won't make you snowblind (Winner: Malone)
Round 3: Looks just as goofy sitting as he does standing (Winner: Eaton)
Round 4: Shorts that keep everything snug (Winner: Tie between Eaton and Stockton)
Round 5: Actual muscle definition (Winner: Malone)
Round 6: Bowl haircut (Winner: Stockton)
Round 7: Ability to see Eaton's bald spot (Winner: Tie between Stockton and Malone)
Round 8: Elbows like spearheads (Winner: Malone)
Round 9: Too cool for wristbands (Winner: Stockton)

Final score: Malone 3, Eaton 2, Stockton 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: This shootout came down to the buzzer, but the Mailman elbowed his way to the top past the best assist man in NBA history and a guy who resembles an ogre.

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Karl Malone, Mark Eaton, John Stockton, 1989-90 Fleer All-Star (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 4)

Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers, 1992 Donruss Highlights

Names: Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: A glass of spoiled milk, on its side
Key 1991 stats: Combined to pitch no-hitter, combined to eat a 3-gallon bucket of chili
It's The Matchup: Donruss was so confused by this trio of throwers that it didn't even know how to orient their card. Let's try to make some sense out of who's who here.

Round 1: Name misspelled on card (Winner: Mercker)
Round 2: Refusal to look at the camera (Winner: Peña)
Round 3: Looks the drunkest (Winner: Peña)
Round 4: Actually the drunkest (Winner: Mercker)
Round 5: Face proximity to Mercker's bulge (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 6: Resemblance to a 14-year-old boy (Winner: Wohlers)
Round 7: Masculine mustache (Winner: Peña)
Round 8: Didn't shave because he forgot it was photo day (Winner: Mercker)
Round 9: Sacked up and pitched a solo no hitter later in his career (Winner: Mercker)

Final score: Mercker 4, Peña 3, Wohlers 2

Synopsis: Kent Mercker actually goes the distance this time, turning his two relievers on their sides in this Matchup. Still, would it have hurt him to shave? Sheesh.

Alejandro Peña, Kent Mercker, Mark Wohlers, 1992 Donruss Highlights

Tony Perez, Carlos Delgado and Eric Munson, 2002 Topps Stars Progression

Names: Tony Perez, from left, Carlos Delgado, Eric Munson
Teams: Cincinnati Reds, from left, Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers
Positions: First base, from left, first base, first base
Value of card: 1 cent for each player, minus 2 cents
Key 2001 stat: Munson's .152 batting average
It's time for a three-way version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Nowhere near Hall of Fame career (Winner: Eric Munson)
Round 2: Huge letdown after huge signing bonus (Winner: Eric Munson)
Round 3: More attention paid to dyed golden locks than to batting practice (Winner: Munson)
Round 4: Face not good enough to be featured on this card (Winner: Munson)
Round 5: Ability to get "Munsoned" in the middle of nowhere (Winner: Munson)
Round 6: Lack of Latin roots (Winner: Munson)
Round 7: Fewer than 50 career home runs (Winner: Munson)

Score: Munson 7, Delgado 0, Perez 0

Synopsis: Topps offered up a "Progression," from Perez to Delgado to, um, Munson? Well, the little-known former third-overall pick shocked the world and defeated two near-Hall of Famers, proving that, sometimes, a winner can take the "pro" out of "Progression."

Tony Perez, Carlos Delgado and Eric Munson, 2002 Topps Stars Progression

Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt, 1981 Topps Home Run Leaders

Names: Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt
Teams: New York Yankees, Milwaukee Brewers, Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Outfield, outfield, third base
Value of card: In mint condition, 20 cents; this card is far from mint condition
Key 1980 stat: Some number of home runs, apparently
It's time for a three-way edition of The Matchup: 

Round 1: Movie star shades (Winner: Jackson)
Round 2: Movie star squints (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 3: Well-manicured mustache (Winner: Jackson)
Round 4: Mustache made of horse hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 5: Perfectly rounded afro (Winner: Jackson)
Round 6: Homeless hair (Winner: Schmidt)
Round 7: Lack of Hall of Fame invites (Winner: Oglivie)

Score: Jackson 3, Schmidt 3, Oglivie 1

Synopsis: Hall of Famers Jackson and Schmidt were neck and neck throughout, but neither could come away with a win after non-Hall of Famer Oglivie torpedoed The Matchup.

Reggie Jackson, Ben Oglivie, Mike Schmidt, 1981 Topps Home Run Leaders

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Ken Griffey Jr.
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Your glasses from 20 years ago
Key 1991 stat: A whole mess of home runs
An unsatisfying punchline:

Q: How many Kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We're not sure. The first two got off to a great start, but the third one keeps getting hurt.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1992 Upper Deck

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Ken Griffey Sr., clockwise from top, Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Two of the three at the kids' table
Value of card: 3 cents (2 cents for Junior, 1 cent for Senior, zilch for Craig)
Key 1991 stat: Four family barbecues a month
It's time for The Matchup, Bloodlines version:

Round 1: Talent, baseball, 1990s-2000s (Winner: Griffey Jr.)
Round 2: Talent, baseball, 1970s-1980s (Winner: Griffey Sr.)
Round 3: Talent, sweeping floors, 1980s-2000s (Winner: Craig)
Round 4: Talent, blueberry muffin making (Winner: Craig)
Round 5: Talent, crocheting (Winner: Craig)
Round 6: Talent, hugs for Grandma Griffey (Winner: Craig)
Round 7: Talent, riding coattails (Winner: Craig)

Score: Craig 5, Junior 1, Senior 1

Synopsis: In a surprising turn of events, the surefire Hall of Famer and his all-star father go down to a little-known cousin for whom posing for a 1992 baseball card proved to be the closest he would ever get to the big leagues.

Ken Griffey Sr., Ken Griffey Jr., Craig Griffey, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Rickey Henderson
Team: Oakland Athletics
Position: Outfield, outfield, outfield
Value of card: Three. That's it, just three.
Key 1990 stat: Real fast
Here's a good one:

Q: How many Rickey Hendersons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Rickey doesn't think you should care, because when Rickey's done with it, it's gonna be the greatest light bulb of all time.

Rickey Henderson, 1991 Upper Deck

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps

Names: Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfielder, infielder, outfielder, respectively
Value of card: An ounce of rust
Key 1980 stat: 5 acres of collar
Yeah, it's Matchup time:

Round 1: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 2: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 3: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 4: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)
Round 5: It doesn't matter (Winner: Kuntz)

Final score: Kuntz 5, those other guys 0

Synopsis: Look, when your name is Rusty Kuntz, you win. It doesn't matter if one of the other guys has a girl's name, or if the other one looks like John Travolta with an afro — you win. Period.

Rusty Kuntz, Fran Mullins, Leo Sutherland, 1981 Topps

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

Names: George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Pitcher, second base, pitcher
Value of card: A bunch of empty seats
Key 1979 stat: One future in baseball, among them
It's a Gateway City Matchup:

Round 1: Rockin' the mock turtleneck (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 2: Hairstyle resembling mustache (Winner: Frazier)
Round 3: Uber nerd glasses (Winner: O'Brien)
Round 4: Enough blond hair to make a shag carpet (Winner: Herr)
Round 5: Actual baseball talent (Winner: Herr)
Round 6: Good enough that people wanted to be seen in his photo (Winner: Herr)
Round 7: Ability to look at the camera (Winner: N/A)

Final score: Herr 3, O'Brien 2, Frazier 1

Synopsis: The term "future star" may be a bit luxurious for any of these three rookies, but just like in baseball, Herr outshines the other two schlubs in The Matchup.

George Frazier, Tom Herr, Dan O'Brien, 1980 Topps Future Stars

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Names: Dave Geisel, Steve Macko, Karl Pagel

Team: Chicago Cubs

Positions: Pitcher, second base, outfield, respectively

Value of card: One C-note (if "C" stands for "crap")

Key 1979 stat: One set of parents

Time for a strikingly similar version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Brown hair grown slightly over the ears (Three-way tie)

Round 2: Slightly pink, Caucasian complexion (Three-way tie)

Round 3: Square, bricklayer's chin (Three-way tie)

Round 4: Father named Durwood from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 5: Mother named Nancy from Peoria, Ill. (Three-way tie)

Round 6: Birth date of Oct. 17, 1955 (Three-way tie)

Round 7: Fake mustache glued on to look different (Winner: Geisel)

Score: Geisel 1, Macko 0, Pagel 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: Despite changing their names in an effort to avoid the media attention that would be thrust upon major league triplets, it's obvious these three came from the same mother, within a few minutes of one another. Lucky for Geisel, he found a fake mustache on the dugout ground, allowing him to take the glory of a Matchup victory from his flesh and blood.

Cubs Future Stars, 1980 Topps

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Phils Hiatts

Teams: Kansas City Royals, Kansas City Royals and Kansas City Royals

Positions: Third base, third base, and 3B

Value of card: Three doll hairs (It only took 698 posts to pull out that tired childhood joke.)

Key 1992 stat: Three dudes, lying on one another

The caption: "Phil Hiatt, right, dives for a ball hit down the third-base line while lying on top of Phil Hiatt, center, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line while gently placing his genitals on the rear end of Phil Hiatt, left, who's diving for a ball hit down the third-base line in an attempt to hide his on-field arousal."

Phil Hiatt, 1993 Upper Deck

Tito Landrum, Al Olmsted and Andy Rincon, 1981 Topps Future Stars

Names: Tito Landrum, Al Olmsted, Andy Rincon

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Positions: Outfield, pitcher, pitcher

Value of card: Cat piss in a year-old container of green salsa

Key 1980 stat: Three stooges, two mustaches

It's an early 1980s version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Funk-artist-enviable afro (Winner: Landrum)

Round 2: Merengue-artist-enviable first name (Winner: Landrum)

Round 3: Eye black addiction (Winner: Landrum)

Round 4: "Blue Lagoon"-inspired feathery locks (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Round 5: Woodworker lip blankets (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Round 6: Faces masked by shadows on a sunny summer day (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Round 7: Four neck creases from head tilt (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Round 8: Love-making eyes focused on camera (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Round 9: Resemblance to Bo and Luke Duke (Tie: Olmsted, Rincon)

Score: Landrum 3, Olmsted zero, Rincon zero, Ties 6

Synopsis: El Tito jumped out to an early three-round lead, and that's all he would need because, unlike his competitors, he chose to be his own man.

Tito Landrum, Al Olmsted and Andy Rincon, 1981 Topps Future Stars