Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One insult
Key 1990 stat: One visit to the atmosphere of Mars, apparently
Not so thrilled: Will Clark must have had a beef with Fleer around 1990. How else could one explain this card? See, most of these Fleer Pro-Visions pointed to a strength in a player's game, like speed, power, or the ability to count. Instead, this one seems to insinuate that even a ball of rubber could break the Thrill's bat. Rude. It's not all bad, though. At least they gave him enough sense to pull his head away from the flying shards of wood.

Will Clark, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: First base
Value of card: Rust
Key 1995 stat: Zero autographs signed with the name "Nuschler"
A few outtakes from Will Clark's autograph session:

• "Yes, Nancy, that is a bat in my pocket, and no, I'm not happy to see you."
• "To Matthew. Thanks for suggesting I use my cup to steady the ball. It's effective and pleasurable!"
• "Dear Bobby, no, I can't get you Juan Gonzalez's autograph. Jerk."
• "Nolan, it's kind of weird that you're pushing all these kids out of the way. Just come down on the field, already."
• "To Jenny: Yes, I'm aware my uniform vaguely resembles the American flag. Love it or leave it, lady."
• "For Mikey      gotta go, this cop is bringing me my coffee. Later!"

Will Clark, 1996 Upper Deck

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Names: Will Clark and Mark McGwire
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Oakland A's, respectively
Positions: First base, squared
Value of card: 2 ounces of plaque
Key 1995 stat: Zero Battles of the Bay
It's time for a Bay Area-themed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Giant bulge (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: Giant gums (Winner: McGwire)
Round 3: Giant (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Busting out of his belt (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Busting veins out of his skin (Winner: McGwire)
Round 6: Need for a dentist visit (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Lovers lost in the clouds (Winner: Tie)

Score: Clark 3, McGwire 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: No earthquakes broke up this Battle of the Bay, but, in the end, the two participants shook off society's conventions, embraced each other with their heads in the clouds and didn't let The Thrill's win come between them.

Will Clark and Mark McGwire, 1996 Upper Deck V.J. Lovero Shwocase (V.J. Lovero Showcase Week No. 3)

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Lots of green (see above)
Key 1990 stat: 14 sourdough crabs eaten before this photo was taken
Will doesn't look thrilled; a few of the guys who had been testing his patience:

• A flagrant steroid user
• Some headline-chasing prima donna
• Two guys pretending to get erotic
• The members of the Pacific Sock Exchange
• A cereal-eating FBI agent
• Some dude wearing makeup
• A stark reminder of himself
• Reggie Jackson's teacher's pet
• Some hungover jerk
• A sausage-craving San Franciscan

Will Clark, 1991 Bowman

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Name: Will "The Thrill" Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: The stitching from the inside of a sweaty butt pocket
Key 1988 stat: 14 "thrills" (with the ladies)
Great card, right? Hey, this is an awesome late-1980s William Nuschler Clark card. Nothing like a photo of a player where you can't see his face or the name on his jersey. Creases, smudges and bent corners aside, it's in perfect condition. And check out those three totally radical triangles framing the W in The Thrill's name: thrilling. At least, for the ladies, you get a nice crumpled-pocket butt shot. Score should have put out more subsets like Superstars. What an idea: Take a mediocre photo you already have, throw on a boring red-and-blue border, flush it down the toilet and voila, you have another subset that you can use to take money from kid collectors' allowances. Score? This card is anything but.

Card submitted by Travis Johnson

Will Clark, 1989 Score Superstar

Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: One dog treat, post-digestion
Key 1992 stat: 500 dog turds picked up
Man vs. beast: We'll go ahead and assume that "Psycho" is the name of Will Clark's dog and not just Milk Bone's assessment of Clark's mental state. In that case, it's time for a Matchup.

Round 1: Furriness (Winner: Psycho, barely)
Round 2: Worse breath (Winner: Clark)
Round 3: Ability to hit balls (Winner: Clark)
Round 4: Ability to fetch balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 5: Ability to lick balls (Winner: Psycho)
Round 6: Number of legs humped (Winner: Clark, surprisingly)
Round 7: Better liked by Mrs. Clark (Winner: Psycho)
Round 8: More in need of a flea dip (Winner: Tie)

Final score: Psycho 4, Clark 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Who's a good boy? Yes, you are! Yes, Psycho is a good boy! What a good doggy!

Card submitted by Tyler Kepner

Will Clark, 1993 Milk Bone Super Stars

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Names: Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro
Teams: San Francisco Giants and Chicago Cubs
Positions: First base and outfield
Value of card: Half the food in Palmeiro's mustache
Key 1988 stat: Zero congressional hearings
Two players, one Bust cup: It's time for an All-Star Matchup!

Round 1: Refusal to shave face or space between eyebrows that day (Winner: Clark)
Round 2: $5 mesh jersey with a giant Cubs sticker on it (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 3: Mustache resembling a Rorschach inkblot (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 4: Later shared a locker room with Barry Bonds (Winner: Clark)
Round 5: Later shared "supplements" with Barry Bonds (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 6: Getting a bigger kick out of touching chests in this photo (Winner: Clark)
Round 7: Luxurious, dark-as-midnight mullet (Winner: Palmeiro)
Round 8: Wearing a T-shirt that's been washed 13,966 times (Winner: Clark)
Round 9: Looks better in a suit (Winner: Palmeiro)

Final score: Palmeiro 5, Clark 4

Synopsis: No lies here, folks     Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for victory. Will Clark will have to take solace in the fact that at least he's not one of baseball's all-time scumbags.

Will Clark, Rafael Palmerio, 1989 Fleer Superstars

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants; Jimmy Dean All-Stars; unknown
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two eggs over easy
Key 1990 stat: $650 payday for commercial
A proud tradition: We here at The Bust have fond feelings for Jimmy Dean baseball cards. We remember opening up packages of frozen sausages and pulling out cards wrapped in icy-wet cellophane. Oh, what a combination: mass-produced meat products and mockable cards that don't even have Major League Baseball's permission to use team logos. You remember the greats: a terrible-in-teal Benito, a Kid with a kid's mustache, and a Hurt so big he can't fit within the card's borders. This time? You have a card that's anything but a thrill.

Let's get to meat of this post: Here are 10 "butchered" catchphrases from Will Clark's Jimmy Dean commercial, circa 1990.
10) "Mmm-mmm, this flash-frozen, microwavable breakfast foodstuff is a home run."
9) "Where there's a Will, there's a sausage."
8) "Jimmy Dean sausages — now made from real boots!"
7) "We put the 'age' in 'sausage.'"
6) "Let me tell you, I know Giants, and these sausages are, well, not too giant, actually. But they're a pretty decent size, when compared with what you might get at McDonald's, or Dairy Queen, for instance."
5) "Grab a skillet, then put it away and open the microwave door!"
4) "I'm Will Clark, and I've seen how the Jimmy Dean sausage is made." (barfs)
3) "Jimmy Dean: the choice of athletes who chew three cans of tobacco a day."
2) "Take it from me, the real 'thrill' is tasting these sausage patties."
1) "Jimmy, I'd eat your sausage any time."

Will Clark, 1991 Jimmy Dean Signature Edition

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: It's not worth the mesh it's printed on
Key 1987 stat: Zero people in stadium at time this photo was taken
Let's take a look at this Will Clark card, by the numbers:

2,500: Copies of this card originally printed in Reggie Fleckman's garage in 1988
1,250: Copies thrown in garbage by card shop owners upon arrival to stores
650: Copies that contained printing errors, such as the white specks and arm hair above
225: Copies that disintegrated when exposed to the sun in 1990
130: Copies that wound up in MLB lawyers' hands for evidence in copyright infringement cases
75: Copies hoarded by Jimmy Hulme, 12, before the ink gave him cancer and he threw them away
20: Copies found in Soviet Russia in 1991; they were later used to heat a stove for Vladimir's gruel
10: Copies in circulation in 2010, before The Bust acquired them all
1: Copies left in the world after the schmoes behind The Bust ripped up nine of them
0: Monetary value of the last copy of this card in the world — even in Soviet Russia

Will Clark 1988 Big League Stars

Will Clark, 1993 Upper Deck Reggie Jackson's Clutch Performers

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: Six globs of eye black
Key 1992 stat: 66 ducks shot dead
Time for a critical pop quiz:

What was Reggie Jackson's assessment of Will Clark on the back of this card?

(A) "Clark is a great player. He has a smooth swing and knows the game. But he's nowhere near as good as me, Mr. October."
(B) "Clark is one of the most clutch players I know. I once asked him to get me a donut. You guessed it: clutch."
(C) "Clark looks like a baseball player should look. He has a sweet swing and wears eye black well. All he needs are some movie-star shades, a ratty mustache and afro puffs."
(D) "Clark is known as 'The Thrill.' It's a good nickname. But his middle name is 'Nuschler.' C'mon, 'Nuschler'? Give me a break. Get off the field, sissy."
(E) All of the above.

Will Clark, 1993 Upper Deck Reggie Jackson's Clutch Performers

Will Clark, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes

Name: Will Clark

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: Not redeemable with any proof of purchase

Key 1989 stat: 4,852 sweepstakes entered, zero won

Enter to win a pop quiz:

Fans were encouraged to enter a sweepstakes on the back of this card. What was the prize?

(A) The opportunity to draw the next year's sweepstakes card, and to do it better.

(B) A Giants jersey with the "SF" 6 inches lower than it should be.

(C) The same worthless Will Clark illustration card.

(D) The hair ripped from Clark's arm.

(E) A cheap "Thrill."

(F) None of the above.

Will Clark, 1990 Bowman Sweepstakes

Will Clark, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Will Clark
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: First base
Value of card: A coach's love is priceless
Key 1991 stat: Zero eye injuries
Actual gameday conversation between Will Clark and Giants first base coach:
Coach: "Will! You get back here right now! You are not going out there again without your eyeblack."
Clark (whining): "But, coach! All the other guys are already out there waiting for me. You're embarrassing me!"
Coach: "I don't care. If all the other guys jumped off a cliff, would you, too? Besides, you know what I always say. It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye."
Clark (huffy): "Coach, that doesn't even make any sense. Fine, hurry up, put it on already."
(Clark stomps back; coach applies eyeblack.)
Coach: "There. Now, put on both these pairs of sunglasses, then you can go run along and play. And, Will — I'm proud of you, Will."
Clark: "That's kind of creepy, coach."

Will Clark, 1992 Upper Deck

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Name: Will Clark

Team: (It's a mystery)

Position: First base

Value of card: One crunch berry

Key 1988 stat: 10 pastimes

10 titles that apply to Will Clark, circa 1988:

10) Undercover agent

9) Captain of the Crunch

8) Matt Dillon body double

7) Repairman

6) Mustache repairman

5) First baseman, witness-protection softball team

4) Staring contest supervisor

3) Keith Hernandez

2) Provider of free rides

1) Bear (yes, in that sense)

Will Clark, 1989 Topps Cap'N Crunch insert

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer

Names: Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell
Team: San Francisco Giants
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: Three feet apart
Key 1989 stat: 73 goofy faces
Awkward team photos: The Dynamic Duo, indeed. Kevin Mitchell and Will Clark were so dynamic in 1989, they repelled each other like magnets. Here, the powerful pair have been asked to pose for a photo together by the crack Fleer photography team. "Get a little closer, guys," the photog asked them. "We can't," Clark informed him. "Watch." Clark and Mitchell then tried to bump chests, jumping in the air, only to be forced apart and come tumbling down on their backs. Stunned, the photographer asked, "Well, what's the closest you can get? Can you at least put your arms around each other?" "Well, kind of," Mitchell said. The photog readied his camera and captured this image. As you can see, the force of the Dynamic Duo's repulsion was so strong, the slightest touch forced Clark to make a creepy bedroom-eyes face and Mitchell's head to appear pasted in.

Will Clark and Kevin Mitchell, The Dynamic Duo, 1990 Fleer

Jose Canseco, 1986 Star

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Jose
Value of card: One off-center photo
Key 1985 stat: Top-ranked Jose in American League
That's entertainment: Before the days of sausage races, dancing chickens and "Kiss Cams," baseball fans were often left to amuse themselves. But in 1985, the lucky followers of the Oakland A's looked forward to the third-inning stretch, when young star Jose Canseco would challenge the opposing team's best player to several feats of strength — a contest that came to be known as The Jose. Here during a spring training game, Canseco and Giants slugger Will Clark prepare to place their heads together over the Bat of Fortitude, spin around 20 times and see who can run the bases fastest. Other contests included seeing who could take the most pitching machine balls to the torso, ballboy tossing, a chicken wing eating contest, power lifting the opposing manager and shirtless home run derby. Canseco ended the season with an 80-1 record (home games only), with his only loss coming to Dave Winfield, who won The Jose 4-3 after pinning a bear during a bout of Grizzly-Roman wrestling.

Jose Canseco, 1986 Star

Will Clark, 1990 Stadium News

Name: Will Clark

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: 75 cents at newsstands

Key 1989 stat: Will Clark Homers Twice

This guy makes headlines: The newspaper industry is in a tailspin. The New York Times sold part of its Manhattan headquarters to raise funds. USA Today's parent company, Gannett, has seen its stock plummet. Every daily newspaper in the greater Bay Area has shed jobs faster than a cheetah falls down a flight of stairs. But one paper has survived the recession and the shift of readers and advertising dollars to the Internet. That paper, in all its glory, is the Stadium News. How does the Stadium News remain profitable? For one: bold news judgment. The day after Nelson Mandela was released from a South African prison, every major newspaper led with the anti-apartheid activist's story. Every major newspaper but one, that is. The Stadium News led with a crisp, telling headline: "Will Clark Homers Twice." Did he hit two home runs in a season or in a game? It doesn't matter. Did his first name have to be used directly above a six-column-wide, 42-inch-long photo of him? Obviously, yes. Did readers suffer because the Mandela story was relegated to a 4-inch brief on Page 14? Not unless they hate America. All these questions aside, it wasn't only news judgment that put the Stadium News in the upper echelons of the industry. The paper's design broke down barriers and forged new boundaries of creativity. It was straightforward, sure, but it was breathtaking. There's no questioning that news judgment and creative design helped the Stadium News grow its readership. But what put the paper over the top? Media critics from the nation's most prestigious journalism schools agree: The postmodern shift to eliminating the rigid confines of a story speaks to today's news consumer in a way a bunch of silly words simply can't.

Will Clark, 1990 Stadium News

Will Clark, 1992 Topps Kids

Name: William Nuschler Clark Jr.

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: First base

Value of card: 42 gallons of testosterone

Key 1991 stats: 4,289 pounds gained; 42 feet grown

A giant attitude: Baseball Card Bust isn't only fun and games. We here at the Bust pride ourselves on our hard-hitting investigative reporting. Until now, Will "The Thrill" Clark had never been linked to steroids. Well, we're doing the linking. In a card obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, it becomes clear "The Thrill" began using performance-enhancing drugs during the 1991 season. Through careful analysis, the Bust found that Clark gained 4,289 pounds and grew 42 feet. To compare, the fan on the bottom left holding the Giants pennant, Bruce Cobbledick, stands 5 feet 9. The woman on the right, Sue Stagler, stands 5 feet 10. Clark, although listed as 6 feet 1 on the back of the card, actually stands 48 feet 1. His biceps are 11 feet in diameter, about the size of a small sequoia redwood. As is common with steroid users, Clark's head enlarged dramatically. In 1992, its size was equivalent to that of one of Saturn's moons. Though scientific evidence shows steroid use shrinks a man's testicles, Clark's bulge is still the size of eight bags of industrial-grade cement heaped on top of one another. Impressive. After all the above evidence is compiled, one thing becomes abundantly clear: Giants use steroids.

Will Clark, 1992 Topps Kids