Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Positions: Running back, "The Ball Handler"
Value of card: 18 pounds of bison dung
Key 1991 stat: One unfortunate non-nickname nickname
Time for an American pop quiz:

What, pray tell, is the inherent contradiction of this card?

(A) The back of the card says Thomas is known as "The Ball Handler," but nowhere else in the echoes of time has anyone across this vast land deemed that Thomas' nickname, for obvious reasons.
(B) Thomas plays for the Buffalo Bills, which feature a bison, commonly referred to as buffalo, as the team's mascot, but no bison ever traversed the plains of Buffalo, and, coincidentally, men named Bill are prohibited from entering Buffalo city limits.
(C) This card is a Fleer Illustration, but, at least on the front of the card, the subject is portrayed in a natural, even refined manner, as opposed to how hundreds of others were drawn in the years-long series.
(D) For true Americans like Thomas, the flag's colors never, ever run, but, on this card, they're running, and he's running, and his running is causing their running.
(E) All of the above.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 119)

Thurman Thomas, 1994 Playoff Ground Attack (Football Friday No. 113)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: .0001 troy ounces of silver
Key 1993 stat: 25 ground attacks on chipmunks
This Thurman Thomas card, By the Numbers:

1: This card's weight, in pounds
2: This card's thickness, in centimeters
3: Collectors who liked this card
4: Collectors who were blinded from the shine off this card
5: Minutes it took the graphic artist to come up with this concept
6: Number of Ground Attack logos spoiling this card
7,000: Better card ideas Playoff could have employed

Thurman Thomas, 1994 Playoff Ground Attack (Football Friday No. 113)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: Eight pounds of liberty
Key 1991 stat: 75,052 salutes to the flag
Proud to be an American, Part 3: How American was Thurman Thomas during his playing days? Thurman Thomas was so American, he refused to sign with any team but the Bills or Patriots because he had to wear red, white and blue at all times. He was so American that he set a goal each season to run for exactly 1,776 yards. He was so American that he petitioned to have his name changed to Thurman Thomas Jefferson. He was so American, he had the words "Don't tread on me" tattooed across his backside. Thurman Thomas was so American that he used a herd of buffalo to crush every foreign-made car in upstate New York. He was so American, he made referees trade in their yellow flags for American flags. Thurman Thomas was so damn American, he carved the faces of every president, all the Supreme Court justices, Benjamin Franklin AND Betsy Ross into the side of a cliff and called it Mount Rushmore 2! USA! USA! USA!

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Legends In The Making (Football Friday No. 58)

Thurman Thomas, 1993 Skybox Team MVP (Football Friday No. 55)

Name: Thurman Thomas

Team: Buffalo (obviously) Bills

Position: Running back

Value of card: 1 bill, no dollars

Key 1992 stat: 14 tons of bison dung shoveled

Fun facts about Thurman Thomas and American buffaloes:

• American buffaloes are attracted to American buffaloes. Thurman Thomas is attracted to water buffaloes.
• American buffaloes were hunted by Native Americans. Thurman Thomas was hunted by linebackers and inebriated cougars.
• American buffaloes almost became extinct. Thurman Thomas played on a team whose Super Bowl hopes are extinct.
• American buffaloes are wide animals. Thurman Thomas witnessed Wide Right.
• American buffaloes travel in herds. Thurman Thomas travels with husky men and leg models.
• American buffaloes were depicted on a famous nickel. Thurman Thomas' football cards are worth less than a nickel.

Thurman Thomas, 1993 Skybox Team MVP (Football Friday No. 55)

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)

Name: Thurman Thomas

Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running Back
Value of card: One oil fire
Key 1991 stat: No jewelry
Tagline for the world's worst movie, "The Thurmanator": In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of Buffalo devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the future by changing the past. The plan required something that would never fumble, stumble or miss a chip block. Something that could score from anywhere on the field. Something that, for once, would bring a Super Bowl title to Buffalo. Of course, that isn't really possible, so instead they created The Thurmanator, bringer of AFC championships and loser of helmets at crucial moments.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)