Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Name: Magglio Ordonez
Team: Detroit Tigers®
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of Tiger Balm
Key 2004 stat: 215 long, long nights spent in Detroit
It's time for The Caption, which we're sure didn't run in the Detroit Free Press in 2005: "Magglio Ordonez, center, participates in a line-dancing routine in the middle of Grand Circus Park in downtown Detroit instead of showing up at Comerica Park for a Tigers game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim while wearing a mock turtleneck and getting mocked because his sweeps and turns weren't in lockstep with the senior citizens who organized the line-dancing event that Ordonez crashed Tuesday in Detroit."

Magglio Ordonez, 2005 Topps

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Name: Mike Laga
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: One busted cinder block
Key 1985 stat: 14 dog turds picked up before taking this photo
Here's what Mike Laga stands for:

Made his name in the Detroit backyard baseball circuit
Isn't actually wearing Tigers team gear, just a hat and jacket he bought at Kmart
Knifed by the homeowner whose property he trespassed on for this photo
Exposed pipes and broken cinder blocks      welcome to Detroit!

Lifetime .199 batting average might help explain this photo
After hitting a ball over that fence, Laga made the photographer go and ask for it back
Garbage: Describes both what's on that lawn and Laga's major-league career
At least he's not wearing pink. Yet.

Mike Laga, 1986 Topps

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Name: Frank "The Tank" Tanana
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even lower than modern-day Detroit property values
Key 1986 stat: One god-awful photo
Here we go: Fine work, Donruss photo team. That's fantastic. Look, we're not going to sit here and tell you that Frank Tanana was the world's most photogenic dude, but come on. This was the best picture you could choose? Let's run down the checklist of bad sports card photography. Camera positioned too close to the face? Check. Use of flash causing the subject to squint and creating the appearance of a sheen of sweat over his entire face? Check. Not asking the subject to tuck away his unwashed bangs or trim his unibrow? Check. Hey, I guess we should be grateful that you guys at least got him in focus, eh? Good job, fellas.

Frank Tanana, 1987 Donruss

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Name: Jack Morris
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Ace
Value of card: An avocado pit
Key 1981 stat: Zero non-grainy photos taken of him
Wow, what a card: Let's take a moment to thank Fleer for this fine card. The effort and hard work that must have gone into such a fine representation of such a stellar pitcher is mind-blowing. Just think of the countless hours the photographer invested to capture such an important moment. It's not just the artistic acumen required to present Morris in a grainy, out-of-focus image, it's the foresight to picture him not during a game, but throwing in front of a chain-link fence, apparently in a prison yard in southern Michigan. So bravo, Fleer executives, you've outdone yourselves once again.

Jack Morris, 1982 Fleer

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Name: Jim Leyland
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: 11 cigarette butts
Key 2008 stat: 14 pet tigers that Jim Leyland kept outside his lair
Let's take a look at Jim Leyland, by the numbers: 

.330: Batting practice batting average
.606: Batting practice slugging percentage
.999: Batting practice OPS

44: Batting practice home runs
139: Batting practice RBIs
377: Batting practice total bases

Er, wait. Those were Miguel Cabrera's 2012 statistics. Here are the numbers we were looking for:

.330: Batting practice expletives-per-sentence average
.606: Batting practice tobacco ingestion average
.999: Batting practice mustache average

44: Batting practice reporter cuss-outs
139: Batting practice farts blamed on the dog
377: Batting practice jockstrap readjustments

Jim Leyland, 2009 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 4)

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Name: Billy Martin
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Manager
Value of card: Knowing that Billy Martin thinks you're No. 1
Key 1971 stat: Not yet fired by the Yankees
Let's run down The Chances:

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin is flipping off baseball card collectors everywhere: 37%
Billy Martin is flipping off the photographer: 64%
Billy Martin had a premonition and is pre-emptively flipping off George Steinbrenner: 100%

What are the chances ...
This card caused children to stop collecting sports cards: 4%
This card caused mothers to stop buying cards for their kids: 20%
This card caused Topps to start oh-so-discreetly airbrushing photos: 100%
 

What are the chances ...
Billy Martin felt ashamed after seeing this card: 12%
Billy Martin felt proud after seeing this card: 33%
Billy Martin continued to feel drunk after seeing this card: 100%

Billy Martin, 1972 Topps (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 3)

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Perona
Team: Lakeland Tigers 
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An empty bottle of Peroni
Key 1991 stat: Due to fair skin, unable to stand in the sun for more than five minutes
Spring training + spring fashion = the return of a classic: A few months back, the Bust set the fashion world on its head with Bowman Fashion Week, seven days' worth of cards from the 1992 Bowman set featuring a bunch of rookies and minor-leaguers wearing atrocious clothing. It was so popular, traffic to our site more than doubled, garnering up to 20 visitors per day. Hey, we're not ones to mess with success, so cover your eyeballs      it's time for more early '90s style.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Detroit Tigers draft choice Joe Perona taking a break in the shade. Too bad, Joe      your clothes are still hot! Joe's wearing an oversize button-down that incorporates every color known to man. And yes, those buttons do go all the way up. What's that you say? The pattern looks like somebody threw this shirt into the dryer with a bag of Skittles? Well, it's time to taste the rainbow! The bagginess of Joe's shirt is a tactical choice, covering his underdeveloped biceps and girlish waist, thus making him look more like an actual athlete. Downstairs, Joe's wearing a pair of his dad's Dockers and his only belt, a classic black number that he's had since he was 14. And while Joe will never make it past AA in baseball, that black leather wristwatch is ready for The Show. Cheers to you Joe      looking like this, you'll never be Perona non grata!

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Matt Drews, 1997 All Sport Plus Past Present Future

Name: Matt Drews
Team: Some Detroit Tigers farm team or other
Positions: Pitcher, radar gun holder, jorts model
Value of card: In cents, the same number of starts he made in the majors (Hint: Less than one)
Key 1996 1998 stat: Led the International League in hit batsmen (not making that up)
Past, present, and future: This wonderful baseball card set featured some of sports' greatest heroes, then-current stars and biggest prospects. It also featured what appears to be a close-up photo of a graham cracker at the bottom, but we digress. Here's the past, present and future of Matt Drews at the time the above photo was taken.

Past: His best fastball; his best breaking ball; all self-respect; the touch of a woman who wasn't being paid.
Present: Not being allowed on the field; holding a radar gun that doesn't work; drawing obscene images on his notepad instead of taking notes; wondering why his photo is being taken when he's in the stands.
Future: Two straight seasons at Toledo with 14 or more losses and a 7-plus ERA; a job at a car rental agency; more jorts; being mocked on a mediocre baseball card blog.

Matt Drews, 1997 All Sport Plus Past Present Future

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Name: Pat Underwood, as played by Ashton Kutcher
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two ripped ticket stubs to "The Butterfly Effect"
Key 1980 stat: $22 million loss at the box office
Role of a lifetime: Fresh off his turn as Apple co-founder and visionary Steve Jobs in "Jobs," Ashton Kutcher was looking for a challenge. He found it in a script titled "A Tiger's Stripes" and in a character named Pat Underwood. Kutcher knew he had to dedicate himself fully to the movie and live inside the role, as if he were Underwood. He grew out his hair nearly an inch, gained 3 pounds and kind of learned how to throw a baseball. He was a perfect fit. The movie mainly focused on Underwood's off-the-field life, where he dated well-known women, faced a staggering amount of criticism in the media and dabbled in what could be considered the Twitter of its day, the push-button telephone. Yes, it was as if Kutcher were made for the role, all the way down to the character's vaguely sexually explicit name that would have worked as a poor punch line in "Dude, Where's My Car?"

Pat Underwood, 1981 Topps

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Name: Bob Sykes
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: $50      Syke!
Key 1978 stat: Didn't know how to pose for a photo
It's a rather awkward edition of The Caption: "Tigers pitcher Bob Sykes does a series of lunges in the dirt while wearing a winter jacket that doesn't fit him and chewing an entire can of Copenhagen that he stuffed into his mushroom-shaped head during spring training Friday in Lakeland, Fla."

Bob Sykes, 1979 Topps

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three paper stripes
Key 1987 stat: Turned a lot of double plays, drank a lot of double bourbons
Alan Trammell, by the numbers:
8: Solid-colored stripes in the background of this oh-so-imaginative card
28: Inches of face in the foreground of this oh-so-nightmarish card
0: Legible markings, either numbers or letters, on the back of li'l Alan's jersey
3: Inches of hair covering Trammell's gigantic left ear
3.5: Inches of dimple in the first of Trammell's chins
10: Degrees that Trammell's nose lists to one side
1: Person who thought this qualified as art (that's right, Perez, we're still mad, no matter what we said earlier!)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

Name: John "Champ" Summers
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero championships in anything
Key 1981 stat: 710 eye wrinkles
Places you've heard or seen the name "Champ Summers" name before:

• On the 10 o'clock news, when they introduce the sports guy
• On the 10 o'clock news, while apologizing for yesterday's curse-laden rant
• In the opening credits of a 1980s stag film
• Giving advice on the ponies in the back of a horse racing program
• On a VHS case for his 1985 straight-to-video animal-buddy-cop movie, "Champ and the Chimp"
• On a baseball card, with some pretty underwhelming stats on the back

Champ Summers, 1982 Donruss

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Name: George Alusik
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Neck lumps
Key 1961 stat: Was 26 years old; looked 46
By George: What nickname did Mr. Alusik's teammates use for him in 1962?

A) Throat Bulge Alusik
B) George Are-You-Sick
C) George Alu-Sit-On-The-Bench
D) That Weenie Who Can't Hit
E) All of the above

George Alusik, 1962 Topps

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Name: Brian Hunter
Teams: Detroit Tigers, Westside crips
Positions: Outfield, thief
Value of card: It's worth — wait, where did that money go?
Key 1998 stat: 74 stolen bases (Get it? Get it?)
Let's take a look at Brian Hunter, by the numbers:

• 74: Stolen bases in 1997
• $62: Cost per base
• $4,588: Total cost of stolen bases
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment
• 156: Letters sent by Major League Baseball seeking repayment that Hunter ignored
• 12: Collection agencies that failed to find Hunter behind that mask
• 22: Charges brought against Hunter in a court of law
• 21: Charges on which Hunter was convicted (fashion police charge thrown out)
• 74: Years Hunter was sentenced to prison
• 1: Conviction reversed upon appeal on the grounds that baseball card company Topps was responsible for a gut-wrenching pun that forced Hunter into a life of crime

Brian Hunter, 1999 Topps Chrome

Jerry Don Gleaton, 1991 Topps

Name: Jerry Don Gleaton
Team: Detroit Tigers
Positions: Pitcher, trucker
Value of card: One Gleaton
Key 1990 stat: 365 T-shirts sweated through
The long-haul legend: It was one night back in the spring of '91 when Detroit native and long-haul trucker Jerry Don Gleaton got word over the CB that the Topps photography crew had been spotted winding its way through Florida, stopping at the various training camps to take shots. Rumor was that the Tigers were up next. Gleaton, who was hauling a load of pig iron through Tuscaloosa, Ala., turned his rig around and was eastbound and down, headed for Lakeland, Fla. Gleaton pulled into Joker Marchant Stadium at dawn, put on the knockoff Tigers uniform his lovin' wife had sewn together for him for Christmas, and wandered straight onto the field. The Topps photogs were a little uncertain, considering Gleaton's doughy frame, but after taking one look at Cecil Fielder, they gave the trucker the benefit of the doubt.

Jerry Don Gleaton, 1991 Topps

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Name: Paul Gibson
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Not enough to hold onto it
Key 1989 stat: This card was seen by thousands and thousands of laughing children
Not blurry enough: There are two people in this photo, Paul Gibson and infielder Luis Salazar. Let's see how they fare in The Matchup.

Round 1: Bigger attention-grabber (Winner: Gibson)
Round 2: Bigger grabber of other things (Winner: Salazar)
Round 3: Well-adjusted (Winner: Gibson)
Round 4: About to be even better adjusted (Winner: Salazar)
Round 5: Scratching the surface of his talent (Winner: Gibson)
Round 6: Scratching the surface of his tallywhacker (Winner: Salazar)
Round 7: More sane (Winner: Gibson)
Round 8: Just plain nuts (Winner: Salazar)
Round 9: Poor timing that caused a card company to airbrush out part of his arm (Winner: Salazar)

Final score: Salazar 5, Gibson 4

Synopsis: Poor Paul Gibson. First, he gets mocked for being a giant nerd, now he can't even win a Matchup on his own card, thanks to some utility guy scratching himself at exactly the wrong moment. It doesn't take glasses as thick as Gibson's to see that he just can't win.

Paul Gibson, 1989 Score

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Name: Prince Fielder
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: First base
Value of card: Not as much as the giant canvas it's printed on
Key 2013 stat: Had a baseball card even bigger than his contract
A Bust of historic proportions: Earlier this week, Topps unveiled the biggest baseball card ever made      a print of Prince Fielder's 2013 Topps Series 1 card. It certainly is impressive, but what's the most surprising thing about this colossal collectible?

A) Despite the huge image area, Topps still couldn't fit all of Fielder's butt on the card
B) That it covers more ground than Fielder can at first base (wait, no, that's not surprising)
C) That Fielder doesn't actually already use a 45-foot-long bat
D) That it featured the 2011 All-Star Game MVP instead of, you know, the 2011 AL MVP or maybe the 2012 triple crown winner.
E) That Jim Leyland wasn't out on the field smoking.

Photo courtesy of Topps

Prince Fielder, 2013 Topps

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Gary Pettis
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 cents (or sixth sense?)
Key 1988 stat: 12 patents on time machine
Our minds, blown: Hold on. Wait just a minute. So, Gary Pettis is holding an Upper Deck card and — for the love of all that is holy — it's the back of this very card? How in the name of below-average 1980s major league speedsters is that possible? He's breaking the laws of physics. He's bending the space-time continuum. He's mastering a card trick the world has never seen. This is Gary Pettis looking at a photo of Gary Pettis while also looking into the future of Gary Pettis. Or is he looking back to the future? Or are we imagining that we're seeing a minuscule reflection of the back of the card on the front of the card because we took a few too many sips of the "herbal" tea? Not sure, but if that other card he's holding is his 1990 Upper Deck, we're going to need a new pair of shorts.

Gary Pettis, 1989 Upper Deck

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Name: Phil Clark
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Those creases would devalue the card if it weren't already worthless
Key 1992 stat: Three burnt-out marquee lightbulbs
Tigers' scouting report on "coming attraction" Phil Clark: "This guy's like a movie star; he's good at 'acting' like he can play. ... We like the 'stache, but want to see it connect to a set of lamb chops. ... His name is 'Phil'; well, he sure can 'Phil' a cup, if you know what we mean. ... Not sure about taking batting practice in a skin-tight jacket, but we do foresee hipster scumbags fighting over it 19 years from now. ... By the looks of things, it's not the first time the spotlight has been on his bulge. ... Don't worry, there's no chance he'll steal a nickname and become Phil 'The Thrill' Clark. ... Coming attraction? Doesn't appear to be in the stars."

Phil Clark, 1993 Topps Coming Attraction

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)