Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

Name: Thurman Thomas
Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running back
Value of card: See those red, down-pointing arrows? Yeah, a few of those.
Key 1992 stat: Nothing left to the imagination
Thurman Thomas' train of thought from 10:34 to 10:36 a.m., March 14, 1992: "Mmm, yeah, girl. I see you watching from up there in the stands. You like what you see, don't you? Hold on, let me fully extend this leg so you can see the muscle definition. Oooh, yeah. Can't take your eyes off me now. You must be jealous of this Lycra      it's clinging to me, which is just what you want to do, ain't it? What's that? You want me to move my arm so you can see my bulge? Welly, well, well. Don't mind if I      wait! Is that my mom?! Oh, gross, gross, gross!"

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 66)

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Name: Jake "The Snake" Roberts
From: Gainesville, Texas
Signature moves: DDT; bringing Damien the snake to the ring
Value of card: 6 ounces of bones and hair regurgitated after feeding
Key 1989 stat: 12 snakes brought onto this (expletive) plane
Some reptile facts you might not know about Jake "The Snake":

• He cries crocodile tears.
• He wore neon pink Gecko T-shirts deep into the 1990s.
• In middle school, he volunteered to be a hallway monitor. He was disappointed when he realized it wasn't the scaly kind.
• When Hulk Hogan talked about his 24-inch pythons, Roberts cried a little inside.
• He drove a Dodge Viper (rented for one night and crashed).
• For a short period he was known as Jake "The Gopher Snake" Roberts, and then he saw "Caddyshack."

Jake "The Snake" Roberts, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 3)

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Name: Jim Moore
Team: Fort Myers Royals
Position: Traveling secretary (not just some fat guy who was at the ballpark, OK?)
Value of card: An old boarding pass from two years ago
Key 1984 stat: Jokingly mispronounced Fort Myers as "Fart Myers" 71 times
A career journeyman: Jim Moore bounced around the minors for years, never quite able to get over the hump and earn a call-up to the show. His was an up-and-down career coming into 1984. It seemed like every time he would score a huge discount on a four-star hotel, he'd follow it up by sitting along the roadside after the team bus broke down, unable to secure a replacement for hours on end. But Moore's big breakthrough finally came that same year with the Fort Myers Royals. Using his rugged good looks and sharp sense of style, Moore sweet-talked his way into the heart of one of Tampa's richest female executives, persuading her to sell her Learjet to the team for just pennies on the dollar. The decision-makers in Kansas City took notice, and Jim Moore was soon on his way to the bigs, saying goodbye to the minors forever and leaving yet another woman brokenhearted.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)

Name: Sean Gilbert
Team: Los Angeles Rams
Position: Defensive line
Value of card: Less than that roll of quarters stuffed into Sean's pants
Key 1992 stat: 25 cat-calls
Blue and gold get bold: There it is. Where? I think that's pretty clear, friend. It taunts you, and you know you'll see it in your dreams tonight. It seems dangerous, bursting forth from where it usually rests, posing a threat to personal safety. That Starter jacket can't hope to cover it up, stopping well short of doing anyone any good. And those tight, lustrous pants never stood a chance of containing it. Does Sean Gilbert even know what's happening down there? Or is his tiny little head concerned with other matters, like aligning himself perfectly with the colors of the wall behind him? It doesn't matter      all that matters is that what has been seen cannot be unseen. That dangling shoe lace is almost certain to trip him up soon. What's that? Wait, what were you looking at?

Sean Gilbert, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 41)

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Name: Neil Smith
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: Two sweaty ankle socks
Key 1991 stat: One offensive decal on helmet that had to be censored
You'll put your eye out, kid: Boom, there it is. You're staring straight at it, and even though it makes you uncomfortable, you can't seem to look anywhere else. It's so large, it's casting a foot-long shadow below itself, and while it's just a silly football card, you know that you will forever be in that shadow. I mean, nobody will ever have a flat top that awesome ever again. Hold on, what were you looking at that whole time?

Neil Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 16)

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Name: Juan Gonzalez
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: A rusted spur
Key 1993 stat: 10-gallon hat
Of course this is a baseball card: We've seen a lot of really weird stuff this week, but this card may take the cake. Calling this "art" may be a bit of a stretch, but here's our artistic interpretation of what's going on here. Juan Gone's gigantic blue hat likely represents his talent, further indicated by the big red "T" on it. The branding iron he's brandishing as a bat is symbolic of the fire and intensity with which he played the game. His mullet represents his belief that "business up front, party in the back" wasn't just a haircut, it was a way of life. The fleeing little chocolate horses and cowboys represent his hunger to dominate opponents, win a World Series and eat chocolate. His fringed cowboy batting gloves aren't really symbolic of anything      they're just stylish. And his shirt-ripping biceps? Hmm, what could they indicate?

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 7)

Al Martin, 1996 Score

Name: Al                Martin (apparently)
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Outfield
Value of card: As many pennies as there are letters in his first name
Key 1995 stat: No extra room in uniform
Maybe we don't want to know: What's the most impressive thing about Al Martin on this card?

A) His shiny leather jersey
B) How tight those uniform pants fit. Goodness, gracious.
C) The perfect phallic placement of his bat (This answer is correct if you're 14 years old)
D) All those luxurious spaces between his two names
E) OK, it's C even if you're not 14

Al Martin, 1996 Score

Kevin Maas, 1993 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kevin Maas
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: No mas
Key 1992 stat: 12 square feet of moss growing in his backyard
Sometimes, you got to live Maas:

• Ask this man if his uniform is tight enough. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if an obscene amount of eye black is plenty. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if he has done enough forearm exercises. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if he needs a bigger cup. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if his last name in block letters above his head is big enough. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if an out-of-frame catcher should ruin another baseball card. Maas, he replies.
• Ask this man if his 23rd Taco Bell Chalupa is his last. Maas, he replies.

Kevin Maas, 1993 Donruss Triple Play

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Name: Gary Sheffield
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: 25 cents for a turn to sift through Toys R Us garbage bins
Key 1988 stat: 24 toy stores visited by the rookie
Fun facts about Gary Sheffield and Toys R Us:

• Toys R Us sells Legos. Sheffield also enjoyed attaching male parts to female parts.
• Toys R Us sells G.I. Joe action figures. Sheffield also featured a codpiece.
• Toys R Us sells Barbie dolls. Sheffield also held an affection for a guy named Ken.
• Toys R Us sells Big Wheels. Sheffield also had ridiculous-looking vehicles.
• Toys R Us sells Starting Lineup athlete action figures. Sheffield was one.

Gary Sheffield, 1989 Topps Toys R Us Rookies

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Name: Darrell Evans
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One apple core
Key 1973 stat: Jersey tightly tucked into pants
A handful of things that are scarcely believable about Darrell Evans, based on looking at this photo (at least one of which is true):

• Darrell Evans had sex that year. No, really, with a woman and everything!
• He owned clothes that actually fit him.
• He hit 41 home runs in 1973. Yeah, over the fence!
• In later years, he looked like a pretty normal dude.
• The number 22 written on the knob of his bat isn't his number — it's the number of times his teammates beat him up each week.

Darrell Evans, 2001 Topps American Pie

Rob Dibble, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Rob Dibble
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: Closer
Value of card: The inability to look away
Key 1991 stat: One extreme close-up
Here comes the Old No. 1: There it is. Boom, right there for everyone to see. Stop looking at it. You can't, can you? It doesn't matter. Now that you've seen it, you'll never unsee it. You'll probably sleep poorly tonight. I mean, it's right there, hovering above Cincinnati, thrust toward you. No wonder they called him a "Nasty Boy." That's right, it's Rob Dibble's leg kick. Wait, what did you think we were talking about? Sicko.

Rob Dibble, 1992 Upper Deck

Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Name: Billy Ray Smith
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Charge it! (declined)
Key 1990 stat: 157 stripes
Transcript from San Diego Chargers season ticket commercial, circa 1990: "Heeeeeyyyy, football fans! It's me, Billy Ray Smith, and I'm charged up! (Smith runs through fake brick wall; comes out smiling; lightning strikes all around him) It's going to be a heck of a season! Woooo! (Smith flexes, yells) You know what you need to do? Buy season tickets! What, you don't want to pay to watch us play? Of course you do! But here's an added bonus! (Smith pulls a black blanket off something behind him) If you buy season tickets now, we'll throw in a pair of the hottest Zubaz pants I've ever seen. They'll burn your retinas! (Smith puts on Oakley Blades) What, that's not enough? We'll throw in your very own Zubaz shirt. Read that thing: Dare to be different! (Smith points to the words on the shirt) I double-dare ya! What, you want more? We'll throw in a pair of 6-inch wristbands, which will actually make you sweat more! (Smith starts lifting weights and sweating profusely) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You want more? (Smith throws down weights) How about a free mustache trim when you sign up for the Super Mullet Special at Fantastic Sam's? (Camera pans to Fantastic Sam's bear mascot) Now that's a deal that's a cut above! So, call in and buy yourself some season tickets. You know you can always charge it! (Lightning strikes Smith's biceps)"

Billy Ray Smith, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Another Pro Line Week No. 6)

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three shell casings
Key 1990 stat: 312 broken bats
10 people sniper Bo Jackson picked off with his "fire arm":
10) The tailor who preferred too-tight pants
9) Chuck Connors
8) Some dude Bo met who doesn't wear wristbands
7) His Bizarro World nemesis, "Dough" Blackson
6) The grounds crew head, who replaced the field with a vortex
5) A member of the Blue Man Group
4) Fellow "Human Dynamo" Kirby Puckett, who looked at him funny
3) A fan in the 12th row who disparaged flip glasses
2) A linebacker trying to make a tackle on running back Bo Jackson in the following football season
1) The lead graphics designer at Score

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Names: Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two bullet casings from the streets of Oakland
Key 1991 stat: Two of the biggest prima donnas in baseball history
It's time for an East Bay Area version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ego large enough for a moon to orbit (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Shiny and sharp flat top (Winner: Henderson)
Round 3: Cascading and coiffed mullet (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Circulation-restricting pants (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Semi-effeminate neon green batting glove (Winner: Henderson)
Round 6: Vein-plumping wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 7: Eye-raping yellow socks (Winner: Tie)
Round 8: Bulge-tastic-ness (Winner: Tie)
Round 9: Embarrassing Score Dream Team photo (Winner: Canseco; sorry, Rickey)

Score: Canseco 3, Henderson 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: Wow. The Matchup has never seen a competition featuring such Bust legends. On one side was Rickey Be Rickey, the all-time stolen base leader and the man who proclaimed, "I am the greatest of all time." On the other side was Jose Canseco, the first 40-40 man and perhaps the biggest baseball scumbag of the past quarter-century. The two traded victories, but, in the end, in the battle of shirtless A's, Canseco wins with an A-plus.

Rickey Henderson and Jose Canseco, 1992 Upper Deck Diamond Skills checklist

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Fleer

Name: Juan "The Panamanian Paunch" Berenguer
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One leftover bean burrito
Key 1991 stat: No extra room in clothes
Caution — wide load: Juan Berenguer was a little too, um, girthy to fill the narrowed vertical frame in Fleer's 1992 set. How could Fleer have better used the space at the top of this photo?

• Advertisement for Filiberto's Late-Nite Taqueria
• Bigger lettering
• A checklist for the entire set
• Another photo of Juan Berenguer
• The nutritional information of Berenguer's average lunch that season
• Detail shot of Berenguer's bulge.
• A better card design. For Christ's sake.

Juan Berenguer, 1992 Fleer

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Name: Dikembe Mutombo; also, apparently, "The Warrior"

Team: Denver Nuggets

Position: Center, killer of monsters

Value of card: 12 pounds of crushed monster flesh and bone

Key 1991-92 stat: 150 racial undertones

Yes, somehow, this was OK: No, no. Nothing wrong here. Let's allow a fan to draw a semi-racist picture of Congolese NBA star and humanitarian Dikembe Mutombo fighting a bunch of monsters and then make a card of it. Let's have Mutombo wield medieval weapons but not wear pants in the picture. Let's call him "The Warrior" even though that was never, ever his nickname. Let's make the depiction look just like him. On second thought, let's make it look nothing like him. Perfect.

Dikembe Mutombo, 1992-93 Upper Deck Fanimation (NBA Playoffs Week No. 6)

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)

Name: Chris Zorich
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Nose tackle
Value of card: The prize at the end of a treasure trail
Key 1990 stat: One drunken laundry mishap
Chicago Bears' scouting report on 1991 second-round draft pick Chris Zorich: "Really seems to hate the Upper Deck logo. ... Knows how to stuff the run, and how to stuff his face with liverwurst. ... It isn't just the uniform — he has a closet full of crop tops. ... During his free time, he makes sweaters out of his belly hair for the poor. ... Will tackle anything that moves. No, seriously, don't make any sudden movements around him. ... Keeps telling everyone he's the bass player for Night Ranger, but we've confirmed this is not true. ... At Notre Dame in 1989, had a team-record 47 break-ups. No, not pass break-ups; he was a real ladies' man. ... Said he was excited to meet The Fridge. We're not sure whether he knows that's a person."

Chris Zorich, 1991 Upper Deck Star Rookie (Football Friday No. 79)

Bob Horner, 1981 Topps

Name: Bob Horner

Team: Atlanta Braves

Position: Third base

Value of card: Empty can of Copenhagen

Key 1980 stat: 12 hot dogs eaten, one sitting

What Bob Horner stands for:

Body of a superior athlete

Odor of an inferior racehorse

Blonde curls never get washed

Hobo, his after-baseball occupation

Overeating, a familiar concept to him

Rear end like a garbage truck

Never met a uniform he thought was too tight

Especially fond of fried chicken

Runs to first, jogs to second, walks to third, runs to buffet

Bob Horner, 1981 Topps