Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Name: Mark Clayton
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: Mark Clayton's 1988 salary, times 0
Key 1988 stat: Didn't usually come up this small in a game
Ten things about this card that are even smaller than its physical size:

10) Its quality
9) The number of children who wanted it in their collections
8) The amount of thought that went into it
7) The amount of useful information on it
6) The chances it wasn't thrown directly in the garbage
5) Its nostalgic value
4) Its aesthetic value
3) Its entertainment value
2) Its monetary value
1) Itty-bitty Mark Clayton, who's trying desperately to get off this piece of junk

Mark Clayton, 1988 Topps Mini Super Star (Football Friday No. 186)

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Name: Dave Henderson
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cold ramen broth
Key 1988 stat: Constantly hungry
Actual conversation between giant Dave Henderson and tiny Dave Henderson:
Tiny Hendu: "Hey, where'd my mustache go?"
Giant Hendu: "I'm going to eat you!"
TH: "Holy Jeebus, it's a giant me!"
GH: "Here I come, comin' to eat you!"
TH: "Ah, crap. Maybe I can blend into the background? Um, never mind. Christ, there are enough colors there to make Skittles. ... Wait, maybe ... (Scurries around behind Giant Hendu). Hey, over here, dummy!"
GH: (Turns around, facing hideous background) "Arrrrrrggghh! Hendu's eyes — burning! Can't see! Blinded by multi-colored arrows! Arrrghhh!" (Trips and falls)
TH: (Stabs tiny bat into Giant Hendu's eye, killing him) "Take that, you big freak! You ain't gonna eat nothin'! ... And give me back my mustache!"

Dave Henderson, 1989 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 3)

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Name: Derrick Thomas
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Linebarcker, male model
Value of card: No shirt
Key 1990 stat: Sacked everything that moved
What Derrick Thomas stands for:

Disrobed for this photo shoot.
Even though no one asked him to.
Rushed the passer like the passer owed him money.
Rape stare leaves us feeling a little uneasy.
In spite of the photos on this card, he was not constantly hunched over.
Chiefs were actually good, once upon a time.
Knuckles look nice and shiny here.

Thin mustache was the least intimidating thing about him.
Hall of Fame induction came far too soon.
Offensive linemen couldn't stop him, but a snowstorm did.
Moral of his story: Wear your seatbelt and don't speed.
AFC's most feared defender was actually just misunderstood.
Shaved every 15 minutes — and not just his face.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Score Dream Team (Football Friday No. 57)

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Names: Keith Mitchell, Kevin Mitchell
Teams: Atlanta Braves, San Francisco Giants
Positions: Outfield
Value of card: Two vials of blood
Key 1991 stat: One shared at-bat
It's The Matchup, family style:

Round 1: Smallness (Winner, Keith)
Round 2: First out of the batter's box (Winner, Keith)
Round 3: Holding the wrong end of the bat (Winner, Keith)
Round 4: Ability to keep eyes open (Winner, Kevin)
Round 5: Teeth chipped on doughnuts, lifetime (Winner, Kevin)
Round 6: Ability to stay in the majors (Winner, Kevin)
Round 7: Hitting other cousin in the back with bat (Winner, Kevin)
Round 8: Creepiness of mustache (Winner, Keith)
Round 9: Who does grandma love more? (Winner, Keith)

Score: Keith 5, Kevin 4

Synopsis: After giving up a big early lead, the diminutive Keith Mitchell rallies back for a win, the only time he has ever outperformed his cousin.

Keith and Kevin Mitchell, 1992 Upper Deck Bloodlines

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Names: Jose Canseco, Tattoo, Herve Villechaize

Teams: Oakland A's, The Fantasy Islands

Positions: Outfield, Mr. Roarke's assistant

Value of card: Dee plane, boss, dee plane

Key 1986 stat: 1 man, 1 golden gun

A small man with a big idea: Herve Villechaize was a diminutive actor best known for his roles in "Fantasy Island" and "The Man with the Golden Gun." Despite his theatrical credentials, he always dreamed of playing baseball. But at 2 feet, 4 inches, this was a dream destined to die.

Doubt gets short shrift: Villechaize never took no for an answer. When they told him he'd never be a TV star, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never drink his weight in pina coladas, did he listen? No. When they told him he'd never reach the cookie jar on the kitchen counter, did he listen to them? No. So why would he listen to them when they said he'd never play baseball?

Reaching new heights: Tattoo, as his friends called him, started working out. He lifted weights like a midget on an mysterious island (umm, what?) and, despite his voracious appetite, he cut out booze, cigarettes and women from his diet. But with every weight he lifted the realization that he would never grow big enough to play professional baseball sank in deeper. In despair, he changed his name to "Jose Canseco," started overdosing on steer-oids, as he called them, and went on to enjoy a successful career in baseball that only months before seemed like a fantasy.

Jose Canseco, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings

Todd Day, 1992 Star Pics

Name: Todd Day
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pinch bunter
Value of card: One hour of child labor
Key 1991 stat: 85 times hit by pitches
Kids get hit by the darndest things: Inspired by the legend of Eddie Gaedel, a dwarf who pinch-hit in a major league game, Dodgers owner Peter O'Malley decided to pull his own publicity stunt in 1991, signing 10-year-old Todd Day to make one pinch-hitting appearance in an early-season game against the St. Louis Cardinals. But what was meant to be a light-hearted moment took a serious turn when a confused Tommy Lasorda ordered Day to sacrifice bunt Eddie Murray to second. Day, who had never bunted before, awkwardly grasped both ends of his miniature bat, straddled the plate and was subsequently drilled in the chest by Bob Tewksbury. Lasorda, never one to quickly give up on a prospect, proceeded to start Day the next 30 games, convincing O'Malley he was actually Darryl Strawberry. Day was forced to bunt every at-bat, and was plunked 85 consecutive times. He got a sac bunt down on his 86th try and was summarily released by the Dodgers. Slightly brain-damaged and terrified of open fields, there was only one career path left for Day to follow: professional basketball.

Todd Day, 1992 Star Pics

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps

Name: Kirby Puckett

Team: Minnesota (Tiny) Twins

Position: Outfield

Value of card: A small amount

Key 1992 stat: 42 inches tall

Walk small, but carry a normal-size stick: The Bust knows what you're thinking: There goes that silly Kirby Puckett again, playing around with a gigantic bat, trying to get a laugh. Well, you'd be mistaken, dear reader. In the summer of 1992, manager Tom Kelly told Kirby that his .329 average, though good, wasn't enough to support the Twins in their push for the playoffs. Kelly advised the 5-foot-8 outfielder to take more walks. But Kirby liked to swing at anything near the strike zone, and he told Kelly in no uncertain terms that he would continue to do so. Trainer Sammy Conte witnessed the altercation, and intervened. He told Kirby about a new performance-enhancing drug, Diminitol, that was undetectable and could help Kirby get on base more. Kirby started using the drug, and by the dog days of summer in 1992, he had shrunk to the size of a wombat. Kirby indeed drew more walks, but he had trouble getting the bat off his shoulder.

Kirby Puckett, 1993 Topps