Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 11 shots of saliva, poured into 11 shot glasses, all warmed in microwave
Key 1988 stat: Zero athletic-looking wind-ups over the course of the season
It's time once again for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Seattle Times in 1989: "Jerry Reed of the Seattle Mariners mimics a legitimate pitcher for a few laughs from fans off to the side of an actual baseball game while sticking out his tongue in an attempt to pretend he was concentrating on his wind-up, though it was obvious to anyone watching that the only thing he was concentrating on was looking as ridiculous as possible, on Wednesday at the Kingdome in Seattle."

Jerry Reed, 1989 Donruss

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor

Name: Glenn Williams
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Team Canberra
Position: Third base
Value of card: In Australian dollars, still nothing
Key 1993 stat: Constantly astounded at how the toilets swirl the other way here
The Bust cookbook: Here's how to create your own Glenn Williams international flavor.

1 lb. kangaroo tongue
3 tbsp. grated wristband
2 n's
4 oz. shaved dramatic eyebrow
1 1/2 cups sweat from a baseball uniform worn in the Atlanta July humidity
1 oz. Nutella
1 bat doughnut

Overpay for all ingredients, then combine them in a pine tar-stained catcher's mitt and stir with your hands for 3 minutes. Simmer in a greasy pot over medium-high heat 15 minutes or until fetid. Then cut your losses and send it to Minnesota. The dish will never be hot; you'll know it's done when it's bitter and disappointing.

Glenn Williams, 1994 Upper Deck International Flavor

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Names: Barry Sanders, Christian Okoye
Teams: Detroit Lions, Kansas City Chiefs
Positions: Running backs
Value of card: 14 rotten eggs, smashed on your head while you sleep
Key 1989 stats: About 14,000 rushing yards (each)
It's time for a fast and powerful version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Unbelievable maneuverability (Winner: Sanders)
Round 2: Unstoppable power (Winner: Okoye)
Round 3: Thunder (Winner: Okoye)
Round 4: Lightning (Winner: Sanders)
Round 5: Doubting look (Winner: Sanders)
Round 6: Doubted facial hair (Winner: Okoye)
Round 7: Better nickname (Winner: Okoye)

Score: Okoye 4, Sanders 3

Synopsis: It was a memorable Matchup between two legendary running backs, but, this time, the Nigerian Nightmare bests the Hall of Famer, with a little help from "Tecmo Bowl" and a lot of help from a nickname.

Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye, 1990 Topps Rushing Leaders (Football Friday No. 105)

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Name: Robin Ventura
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Oklahoma State Cowboys
Position: Third base
Value of card: A pile of dirt from the dinner plate of a poor child in Oklahoma
Key 1988 stat: 12 people blinded by jersey's orange
White Sox front office's scouting report on No. 1 draft pick Robin Ventura: "Says here the name is 'Robin.' We sure we drafted a male? ... Based on the only photo we've seen of him, we're not sure he has eyes. ... Rumor from the college ranks is that this kid has a history of clashing with old men. Do we think that will be a problem in the big leagues? ... We'll have to alter his orangutan running style. ... Let's keep an eye on him; he wears Orenthal James gloves. ... Wait: White Sox, black gloves. Um, color clash nightmare! Not sure this will work. ... We vote for nicknaming him 'Ace.'"

Robin Ventura, 1989 Topps

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Jerry Reed
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: In decibels, zero
Key 1988 stat: 3 inches of tongue
It's time for a very loud pop quiz:

What is Jerry Reed yelling?

(A) Arrr!
(B) Arrrgggg!
(C) Arrrgggghhhh!
(D) Arrrgggghhhhaaaarrrrgggghhhh!
(E) All of the above

Jerry Reed, 1989 Upper Deck

Doug West, 1992-93 Upper Deck Team Checklist (Basketball Art Week No. 1)

Name: Doug West

Team: Minnesota Timberwolves

Position: Shooting guard

Value of card: Seven scraps of dried paint

Key 1991-92 stat: 14 neck wrinkles

Welcome to Basketball Art Week: As the NCAA swings into action this week, our attention turns back to atrocious basketball cards. Sure, action shots are nice and studio shots are even better, but here at The Bust, there's nothing we like more than a good illustration. In the absence of that, we will be bringing you a week's worth of laughable illustrations from the early 1990s. Try not to go blind the next seven days.

Behind the canvas: Art collectors of the world, you'll want to pay attention. Before you start the auction for this piece that could range up into the tens of cents, there are a few things you should know. Doug West was a fine basketball player, sure. But he was an exceptional architect. Behind him is the philosophy-bending, post-postmodern home he designed for himself. It features six bedrooms, five bathrooms, 12 barbershops and a spandex factory. Yes, West was a spandex fanatic. He created the world's first spandex neck warmer, which, as this fine piece shows, had to be quite long. Depicting West's neck in such a way was the brainchild of artist Alan Studt, a part-time roofer. Studt had trouble getting West to pose with any semblance of emotion for this piece. Then, an idea sprung forth. The artist held up a pastrami sandwich, which brought about the face you see above. Now, art collectors, let the bidding begin. Do I hear 1 cent? One cent? A half-cent? Lint? Do I hear "lint"?

Doug West, 1992-93 Upper Deck Team Checklist (Basketball Art Week No. 1)

Bill Spiers, 1992 Leaf

Name: Bill Spiers
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: One botched tongue piercing
Key 1991 stat: 219 warnings from his mother that his face would stick like that
Some fun facts about Bill Spiers:

• He was rubber, but you were not actually glue, so whatever you said bounced off him but did not stick to you.
• He knows you are, but what is he?
• Though he pretended a pitch hit him a couple times, his pants did not catch on fire.
• Rarely did he choose which base to throw to by playing Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Mo.
• He was once placed on the 15-day DL with cooties.
• Could blow a raspberry with the best of them.
• Accepted a double-dog dare to lick the flagpole outside Milwaukee County Stadium in January 1993. It did not end well.

Bill Spiers, 1992 Leaf