Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Name: Myron Pottios
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: M_ddle linebacker
Value of card: 3 ounces of backwashed squeeze bottle water
Key 1972 stat: Zero minutes of playing time
Top 10 reasons Myron Pottios got benched:
10) Too many toilet humor insults were hurled at him because of his last name.
9) He didn't want to make other players jealous of his hairdo.
8) He was so sad he couldn't peel himself off the bench.
7) Too many pads.
6) He had to take a shot of vodka out of a striped paper cup.
5) He was busy starring as Bluto Blutarsky in "Animal House."
4) Chin was too deadly a weapon for a football field.
3) Couldn't fit his helmet over his sideburns.
2) He didn't believe in playing for a team whose name was considered a racist slur by the people it was meant to represent.
1) The team didn't have a position for a m_ddle linebacker.

Myron Pottios, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 220)

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Name: Alex Rodriguez
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: $275,000,000 (Rodriguez's current contract) x 0
Key 1997 stat: Zero accusations of performance-enhancing drug use
Top 10 reasons Alex Rodriguez was getting miked up:
10) High-energy pop performance with former paramour Madonna.
9) TV spot for the D.A.R.E program.
8) Pregame chat with the Texas Rangers because, uh — no reason, Mariners front office.
7) Session with kids on how to modify a batting helmet and mitt to save time between innings.
6) In-game analysis for Fox during a drug suspension.
5) Commercial to pitch his A-Rod Custom Fly-Fishing Rods.
4) He's not getting miked up; that's a polygraph machine.
3) On-air interview with Pompous Male magazine.
2) Two words: Tom Emanski.
1) Grand jury testimony

Alex Rodriguez, 1998 Score

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

Name: Randall Cunningham
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Lots of leg
Key 1992 stat: One surgically repaired knee
Top 10 things about this card:

10) The mustache
9) The cinderblock wall
8) The T-shirt
7) The rehab machine/torture device
6) The panic button atop the rehab machine/torture device
5) The flat-top
4) The stare-at-my-crotch poster
3) The shorts
2) The shorts
1) Definitely the shorts

Randall Cunningham, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 62)

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Name: David Klingler
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Positions: Quarterback, farmhand
Value of card:  14 blisters on your foot
Key 1992 stat: Earned every bit of that Bust trophy up there in the corner
Ten unfortunate things that happened to David Klingler during this photo shoot:

10) Lighting guy forgot most of his equipment
9) Sacked by a tractor
8) Forced to wear that jacket
7) Cut his hand on his belt buckle
6) Threw an interception to an actual cowboy
5) Threw an interception to a scarecrow
4) Threw an interception to a very dexterous steer
3) Got called "Corporal Klinger" a lot
2) Got grease stains on his new Wranglers
1) His shoot directly followed Boomer Esiason's
 

David Klingler, 1992 Pro Lin Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 57)

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Name: Neil O'Donnell
Team: New York Jets
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 6 ounces of real pig skin
Key 1995 stat: 365 days spent in an anger-filled rage
Top 10 reasons Neil O'Donnell is so mad:
10) His arm hair is all knotted up.
9) A teammate made a joke about "Neiling" for opponents.
8) He just remembered he was playing for the New York Jets.
7) He realized he had to throw that ball during practice.
6) He's not mad; the photographer said, "Show me confused and awkward."
5) Someone disparaged mid-1990s "90210" haircuts.
4) Typical Irish temper.
3) Two hairs in his bangs are out of place.
2) He said, "I want to score," and they put him on a Score card.
1) One of his balls is being crushed.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Neil O'Donnell, 1996 Score (Football Friday No. 213)

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Name: Bud Harrelson
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Positions: Shortstop, second base
Value of card: See that "P" on his cap? It stands for "pennies."
Key 1978 stat: An eighth of a mustache
Ten things Bud Harrelson's sunglasses couldn't block out:

10) The laughter of grown men who saw him wearing baby blue
9) The laughter of women who saw him take off that uniform
8) The laughter of children who saw the way he held the bat
7) The laughter of teammates every time he took batting practice
6) The laughter of everyone at his hint of a mustache
5) The laughter of his manager whenever he asked to pinch hit
4) The laughter of fans any time his batting average was shown
3) The laughter of his parents whenever he told them he had a date
2) The laughter of the cashier who sold him those sunglasses
1) The sun

Bud Harrelson, 1979 Topps

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Name: Zane Smith
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Even trade for a cassette tape of the "Top Gun" soundtrack
Key 1986 stat: 17 ladies seduced with this look
Top 10 side gigs for Zane Smith:
10) Swamp gator wrestler
9) Comb tester
8) Totally tubular cool dude
7) Staring contest participant
6) Backup country singer
5) Vidal Sassoon pitchman
4) Racist logo apologist
3) "Melrose Place" extra
2) Mesh model
1) Common baseball card subject

Zane Smith, 1987 Donruss

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Name: Jim Wohlford
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfielder
Value of card: A giant pile of dog crap
Key 1980 stat: 206 bologna sandwiches eaten
Top 10 wrinkles on Jim Wohlford's face:

10) That laugh line on the left side of his face
9) The laugh line next to that one
8) The other laugh line next to that second one
7) That murder of crow's feet
6) The one over by his right ear
5) No, not that one, that one
4) The wrinkle that appears to actually be on his right ear
3) The ones that also seem to house his eyelids
2) All of the forehead ones covered by his bangs
1) That one running down the middle of the bridge of his nose. Weird.

Jim Wohlford, 1981 Topps

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Name: Bruce Sutter
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Closer
Value of card: 36 saves (after coupons cut for his local Kroger's)
Key 1982 stat: 1,981,427 hairs on face and head
Top 10 nicknames for Bruce Sutter's beard:
10) Fuzz Monster
9) Chin Blanket
8) Cardinals' Nest
7) Wolfenstein
6) Rutherford B. Hayes
5) Face 'Fro
4) The Barber-arian
3) Grizzlier Adams
2) The Lumberjack's Lumberjack
1) It

Bruce Sutter, 1983 Topps

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Name: Vance Law
Team: Chicago Cubs
Position: Third base
Value of card: Nothing; it's the Law
Key 1989 stat: 232 hours spent shagging
Top 10 things Vance Law was thinking at this moment:
10) "But I don't even know how to juggle."
9) "One, two, three ... uh, start over. One, two ... uh. One, two ..."
8) "I am Edward Ballhands."
7) "I should have grabbed a bat before I walked to the plate."
6) "This is the most impressive thing a Cubs player has done in three years."
5) "Don't mock me. I am the Law!"
4) "Careful, careful. We don't want these to hatch."
3) "I have four balls. Does that mean I get a walk?"
2) "What ... the ... hell ... are ... these ... things?"
1) "I have balls in my hands. Huh-huh."

Vance Law, 1990 Upper Deck

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Name: Alexi Lalas
Team: USA
Position: Defender
Value of card: 2 ounces of ginger (the root)
Key 1993 stat: 4 pounds of ginger (the hair)
Top 10 Grateful Dead songs inspired by Alexi Lalas:
10) "(Ginger's) High Time"
9) "Touch Of Grey Red"
8) "Friend Of The Devil (And The Same Color)"
7) "Truckin' (To The Barber)"
6) "Eyes Of The World (Behind Those Shades)"
5) "(Really) Scarlet Begonias"
4) "Hell In A Bucket Mullet"
3) "Loser"
2) "Morning Dew 'Do"
1) "Fire (Crotch) on the Mountain"

Alexi Lalas, 1994 Upper Deck World Cup (World Cup Week No. 5)

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Name: Mike Schmidt
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: 70 cents on Amazon (Hurry, only three left in stock!)
Key 2010 stat: Zero (expletives) given about being on a baseball card after retirement
Top 10 things you might not know about this Mike Schmidt card:
10) He had his hair permed for three hours before the shot.
9) That eagle isn't a card accoutrement; Schmidt kept a miniature eagle as a pet.
8) This is hanging in the Louvre.
7) The Phillies dugout featured crisscrossed plywood slats.
6) This is a shot from the original casting session for "Magnum P.I."
5) Until a few days before production, this series was called "Bad-win Champions"
4) That was the Phillies away uniform in 1979.
3) He's holding a contract saying Upper Deck has the right to make him look ridiculous.
2) Upper Deck added "Baseball" to the top-left corner of the card in place of "Orgy."
1) The lower half of his body is in a Jacuzzi.

Mike Schmidt, 2011 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Name: Tim Stoddard
Team: West Palm Beach Tropics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One arthritic hip
Key 1989-90 stat: Zero autographs actually requested from this guy
Top 10 possible explanations for this bizarre card:
10) It's promotional material for "Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dead on the Diamond."
9) It's an actual dead man being propped up for entertainment purposes.
8) It's one of those things that you stand behind and place your head in the cutout for photos.
7) Considering his hands are as big as his head, it must be George "The Animal" Steele in disguise.
6) It's concept art for the unwanted sequel to "Semi-Pro."
5) Topps was just putting its surplus of wood-grain framing to good use.
4) Oh, like you don't have glossy photos of Tim Stoddard that you're just dying to have autographed.
3) It's entirely possible that this is a photo of Tim Stoddard burping while sleepwalking.
2) It's just a cheap rip-off of this Al Hrabosky card.
1) Clearly, this was the liveliest photo from the entire Senior Professional Baseball Association season.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Tim Stoddard, 1989-90 Topps Senior Baseball (Fan Appreciation Week No. 3)

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Name: Dorrel Norman Evert "Whitey" Herzog
Team: St. Louis "Cards"
Position: Manager
Value of card: One lesson on how not to wear a jacket
Key 1981 stat: 27 people punched for calling him by his given name
Top 10 things that could be found in Whitey Herzog's face wrinkles:

10) Brisket
9) A properly adjusted collar
8) Loose beard hairs from Bruce Sutter
7) More wrinkles
6) A mother's love
5) That day's lineup card
4) The rest of his sideburns
3) The rest of his turtleneck
2) Blueprints for the Gateway Arch
1) A cure for Willie McGee's homeliness

Whitey Herzog, 1982 Donruss (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 7)

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Name: Vince Coleman
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Positions: Outfield, base stealer
Value of card: The 25 cents Vince Coleman just stole from you
Key 1985 stat: Roughly 1,287 stolen bases
10 horror movie titles for this card in addition to "Terror on the Basepaths":
10) "A Nightmare on Stirrup Street"
9) "The Cardinals Birds"
8) "The Outfielder from the St. Louis Lagoon"
7) "Dr. Coleman and Mr. Smith"
6) "The Phantom of the Arch"
5) "The Missouri Uniform Massacre"
4) "Night of the Living Red"
3) "The Curse of Franken-stache"
2) "Invasion of the Base Snatchers"
1) "The Shining (Teeth)"

Vince Coleman, 1986 Fleer Super Star Special

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bernie Williams
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six strings (actual pieces of string)
Key 1997 stat: 12 sold-out concerts (in his basement with only his cats in attendance)
10 love songs that Bernie Williams wrote in the 1990s:
10) "Striking Out on Love"
9) "My Dinger is Yours"
8) "Touch 'Em All"
7) "My Sweet Spot is You"
6) "The Hot Hot Corner"
5) "Much More than Chin Music"
4) "Bang-Bang Play"
3) "Caught Looking (At Your Butt)"
2) "The Rubber Game"
1) "In the Hole"

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss