Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Name: Golden Richards
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in gold, divided by zero
Key 1977 stat: Punched anyone who called him by his given name, John
A real golden boy: Mr. Richards here preferred to go by his middle name, Golden. Here are a few other nicknames bestowed upon him by his teammates.

• The Towheaded Towel Boy
• Butterfingers
• Nancy
• The Blond Benchwarmer
• Goldenbangs

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Name: Jerry Reuss
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 7 fluid ounces of pond scum
Key 1980 stat: 365 days lived with a sunny disposition
It's time for another thrilling pop quiz:

What has Jerry Reuss looking up?

(A) It's National Hug a Towhead Week.
(B) He thought he lost his hat, but it's right there in the left-hand corner.
(C) After six years of growth, his mustache masterpiece is complete.
(D) He's remembering his childhood acting gig playing Dennis the Menace.
(E) All of the above.

Jerry Reuss, 1981 Topps

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Name: Paul Byrd
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Free skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese
Key 1991 stat: Got owned in Tecmo Bowl 1,644 times
Cleveland Indians' scouting report on draft pick Paul Byrd: "I realize we're looking toward the future, but should we really be drafting 12-year-olds? ... Eats out of the same bowl his mom uses to cut his hair, which is both efficient and disgusting. ... Has a nice Uncle Charlie. No, not a curve ball      he has an uncle named Charlie who drives him to school every day. ... Hopefully, he'll be here for spring training. From the looks of this photo, he was last seen entering the Tron world via a JCPenney portrait studio. ... The kid seemed a little disappointed that our uniforms didn't include more denim. ... Needs to improve: change-up, pick-off move, bedwetting."

Paul Byrd, 1992 Bowman

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Name: Phil Simms
Team: New York Giants
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: One protein shake, spilled
Key 1980 stat: Weighed 135 pounds
Places you may have seen Phil Simms around the time the above photo was taken:

• In the middle school cafeteria, eating lunch
• Getting his booster shots at the pediatrician's office
• Trying to sneak into an R-rated movie with his buddies
• Sitting at the soda fountain, reading a comic book
• Waiting impatiently at the beach while his mother slathered sunscreen on him, and then getting sunburned anyway

Phil Simms, 1980 Topps (Football Friday No. 160)

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Bob Horner
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: Neck roll sweat
Key 1983 stat: 219 sunburns
A Christmas present for the kiddies: And now, The Bust presents the classic children's rhyme, "Little Bob Horner."

Little Bob Horner
Was drawn in the corner
By some untalented guy
But Big Bob was livid
His anger was vivid
He punched Perez right in the eye

Bob Horner, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Ho-Ho-Horrendous Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Name: Jerry Garvin
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One curly blond hair of indeterminate origin
Key 1979 stat: 472,089 steps sat on
Play that funky music white boy: It's pretty obvious Jerry Garvin is a towhead. But just how white is he?

• Jerry Garvin's so white, he's his own night light.
• He's so white, when he wasn't pitching, he was being used as third base.
• He's so white, he got a sunburn standing in front of the TV
• He's so white, he blinded half the locker room when he took off his shirt.
• He's so white, he couldn't even jump to a conclusion.
• He's so white, that's not a bandage on his middle finger, the finger's just swollen.
• Jerry Garvin's so white, Canadians urged him to get a tan.

Jerry Garvin, 1980 Topps

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps

Name: Dan Meyer
Team: Seattle Mariners
Position: First base
Value of card: One nasty sunburn
Key 1978 stat: Eyes never fully opened
Fun facts about towhead Dan Meyer:

• The title character in the movie "Powder" was loosely based on Dan Meyer.
• Meyer had to play in Seattle — it was the only place where he could stay out of the sun enough to keep from being burned alive.
• His torso was so pale, you could actually see his organs through his skin.
• Meyer was so white, his home uniform looked gray on him.
• Meyer grew out the mullet seen above in hopes that his hair would darken as it got longer. Instead, he ended up looking like he was wearing a doll's wig.
• His chain is made of — wait for it — white gold.
• Meyer portrayed the abominable snowman in TV's "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special.

Dan Meyer, 1979 Topps