Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Name: Pat Swilling
Team: New Orleans Saints
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: Bark
Key 1992 stat: 27 trees hid under during lightning storms
This quiz is swill: How come Pat Swilling's relaxing half-naked under an oak tree?

A) You got a better idea on how to spend a Tuesday?
B) Waiting for you, sweetheart. Just waiting for you.
C) He's getting back to his roots.
D) He's trying to sneak a peek up Kosar's shorts.
E) All of the above.

Pat Swilling, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 70)

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Name: Bernie Kosar
Team: Cleveland Browns
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Splinters
Key 1992 stat: Five times had to call the fire department to get him out of a tree
Fun facts about Bernie Kosar and trees:

• Trees are made of wood. Judging from the way he moved around the pocket, so was Kosar.
• A large tree, such as a mature oak, can use 110 gallons of water a day. Kosar, never mature enough to turn down a challenge, once chugged an equal amount of Stroh's in a day.
• Some trees, such as oaks, create seeds that fall to the ground. That's where most of Kosar's passes fell, as well.
• Trees are planted in soil. On game days, Kosar was also often planted in soil by the D-line.
• In the fall, many trees' leaves turn vibrant colors, such as red, orange and yellow. Kosar's shirt still put those trees to shame.

Bernie Kosar, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 67)

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Name: Scott Rolen
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Third base
Value of card: A third-degree sunburn
Key 1998 stat: Didn't really look like the guy in this photo
We hope you studied: How did Scott Rolen spend his "Spring Fling"?

A) Constantly hammered, showing his Rookie of the Year trophy to every girl he saw
B) Occasionally hammered, chopping down palm trees with his bare hands
C) Mostly sober, wearing pinstripe pants at all times
D) Completely dry, working on his swing and defense (BORING!)
E) Horribly hung over, leaning on his bat for support with his hat shading his eyes

Scott Rolen, 1999 Skybox Premium

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Perona
Team: Lakeland Tigers 
Position: Catcher
Value of card: An empty bottle of Peroni
Key 1991 stat: Due to fair skin, unable to stand in the sun for more than five minutes
Spring training + spring fashion = the return of a classic: A few months back, the Bust set the fashion world on its head with Bowman Fashion Week, seven days' worth of cards from the 1992 Bowman set featuring a bunch of rookies and minor-leaguers wearing atrocious clothing. It was so popular, traffic to our site more than doubled, garnering up to 20 visitors per day. Hey, we're not ones to mess with success, so cover your eyeballs      it's time for more early '90s style.

Today's fashion model: Here we see Detroit Tigers draft choice Joe Perona taking a break in the shade. Too bad, Joe      your clothes are still hot! Joe's wearing an oversize button-down that incorporates every color known to man. And yes, those buttons do go all the way up. What's that you say? The pattern looks like somebody threw this shirt into the dryer with a bag of Skittles? Well, it's time to taste the rainbow! The bagginess of Joe's shirt is a tactical choice, covering his underdeveloped biceps and girlish waist, thus making him look more like an actual athlete. Downstairs, Joe's wearing a pair of his dad's Dockers and his only belt, a classic black number that he's had since he was 14. And while Joe will never make it past AA in baseball, that black leather wristwatch is ready for The Show. Cheers to you Joe      looking like this, you'll never be Perona non grata!

Joe Perona, 1992 Bowman (Return of Bowman Fashion Week No. 1)

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Mike Mussina
Team: Baltimore Orioles
Position: Ace
Value of card: Three blood-stained feathers
Key 1994 stat: 12 drugs taken before painting a portrait
WARNING! A few warnings about this card:

• WARNING: Lava in the shape of a stoned crow will threaten Mike Mussina.
• WARNING: Skin will start to fall off all Orioles pitchers' arms.
• WARNING: A sea of water and baseballs opens up below the pitcher's mound.
• WARNING: An athletic pitcher will develop a massive beer gut in this illustration.
• WARNING: Baseball field has morphed into a national park.
• WARNING: Giant alien's leg has mysteriously entered the card.
• WARNING: Stenciled street signs depict giant flaming baseballs hitting black-and-orange birds.

Mike Mussina, 1995 Fleer Pro-Visions

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A DVD copy of Season 5 of "Miami Vice" (two discs missing)
Key 1992 stat: One loitering ticket
Welcome to Preposterous Poster Week: With the NFL season just days away, we've decided to take a closer look at some of the finest football cards we've ever seen. In the early 1990s, Skybox decided it wasn't enough to make atrocious sports cards, so it helped create a series of atrocious sports posters. As if that wasn't bad enough, Skybox then turned said posters into — you guessed it — football cards. Now we're bringing you seven of the most embarrassing images to ever decorate a 14-year-old boy's bedroom (family photos excluded). Apologies in advance.

Ways in which Dan Marino is either armed or dangerous in the above photo:

• It's dangerous to leave a football helmet on the back of a Corvette. If he forgets it's there, it could fall off and get scratched.
• He's probably got some guns or something in that duffel bag.
• It's dangerous to cover up such beautiful Zubaz pants, which is why his jersey is so neatly tucked in.
• He's armed with a special permit that lets him park on the beach, even though the palm tree clearly bans such activity.
• It's dangerous to give Marino so much time without pressuring him. Unless it's the playoffs, of course.

Dan Marino, 1992 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 1)

Derek Lowe, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Name: Derek Lowe
Team: Seattle Mariners
Positions: Pitcher, leaning against a tree
Value of card: It's very Lowe
Key 1991 stat: Cheeks rosy 72 percent of the time
Today's fashion model: We finish this week of haute couture with a baby-faced Derek Lowe. Let's begin with the dominant element of his outfit, the tri-tone, five-stripe, size-XXXL long-sleeve polo shirt. Having been born in Michigan, Lowe stays warm      and hot!      with sleeves that would cover his fingers were they not pulled up at the wrist. Of course, Derek keeps his cool by refusing to button up his collar, thereby showing off the undershirt he's wearing under that acre of striped finery. Of course, let's not forget what's going on downstairs. With hips so slim, Derek requires not one but TWO buttons to keep his jeans from falling off. Sorry, ladies! And is it just us, or do those pockets go all the way to the knees? Of course, that may be necessary just to hold all the hearts this hunk is going to steal.

Derek Lowe, 1992 Bowman (Bowman Fashion Week No. 7)

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Name: Jamie McAndrew
Team: Florida Marlins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Tree sap on your windshield
Key 1992 stats: Drafted four years earlier; still hadn't played a big league game
It's time for The Caption, which probably ran in a Miami newspaper sometime in the early '90s: "Florida Marlins minor leaguer Jamie McAndrew does a bad job of hiding behind a tree in Buena Vista Park on Thursday after stealing a uniform from the big league club and fleeing the scene. McAndrew, who is 25 despite looking 45, was caught and arrested shortly after this photo was taken. The uniform was returned to the Marlins, who, like their fans, disavowed any knowledge of McAndrew's existence."

Jamie McAndrew, 1993 Topps

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

Name: Tony Gwynn
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three tabs of acid (hence what you're seeing)
Key 1993 stat: One long, strange trip
10 mixed messages one could interpret from this card:
10) Once you make the Hall of Fame, you're whisked away to a hallucinogenic wonderland.
9) Gwynn's head is so big it has its own orbiting satellites.
8) San Diego is full of bright-orange skies, boats, palm trees and a giant net that for no explainable reason covers part of the night sky.
7) Gwynn is a wizard ... make that a priest ... make that a pinstriped Jedi.
6) If that's a halo formed by baseballs, there's a certain team in Anaheim that should have a Hall of Famer on its roster.
5) Gwynn believed in religion, but not as much as he believed in mock turtlenecks.
4) Baseball's rules, regulations, sayings and secrets are kept in a bible — a blank one
3) Gwynn was the first gay-rights-promoting baseball player.
2) Fleer made ugly batting gloves.
1) Drugs can get you a job painting pictures for baseball cards.

Tony Gwynn, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 3)

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, actor
Value of card: 12 fireworks duds
Key 1993 stat: 26 red-carpet treatments
Welcome to Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week: The glitz. The glamour. The gastronomical pains. Yes, we're giving you seven days of some of the brightest and most pastel-iest baseball cards ever printed, and this Fleer subset promises not to disappoint. Get ready to see why these 1994 cards put the "ill" in "illustration."
Mike Piazza is sooo Hollywood. Here are some of the Hollywood movies in which he has starred:

• "The Catcher in the Sty"
• "Crouching Catcher, Hidden Italian"
• "The Dream Catcher (If You Don't Mind Terrible Defense)"
• "Six Goatees of Separation"
• "S.Q.U.A.T."
• "L.A. Story: Another Losing Season"
• "West Sideburns Story"

Mike Piazza, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision (Stoner Fleer Pro-Vision Week No. 1)

Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis, 2000 Topps Draft Picks

Names: Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Fresh pine scent
Key 1999 stats: Zero future in the bigs
Two rookies, one Matchup:

Round 1: Funnier last name (Winner: Tie; both are pretty funny)
Round 2: Pine tree in background (Winner: Purvis)
Round 3: Thick, luxurious eyebrows (Winner: Purvis)
Round 4: Eventually won more than three games in a season (Winner: Purvis)
Round 5: Bewildered expression on face (Winner: Stumm)
Round 6: Bigger bro (Winner: Purvis)
Round 7: Baby-soft skin (Winner: Purvis)
Round 8: Cooler White Sox uniform (Winner: Stumm)

Final score: Purvis 5, Stumm 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: There's a reason Rob Purvis gets top billing on this card, and it's not because his last name sounds vaguely like "pervert." No, Purvis is leaps and bounds ahead of Jason Stumm, both in terms of pitching talent and eyebrow density.

Jason Stumm, Rob Purvis, 2000 Topps Draft Picks

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: A 4-foot-high pile of palm fronds
Key 1990 stat: 20-minute increments of a cold, steely stare
Time for a sweltering pop quiz:

It's 1991. Just how hot is Dan Marino?

(A) Women want him. Chris Miller wants to be him.
(B) When he puts on Isotoner gloves, women faint, and so does he, from heat stroke.
(C) He turns on Sean Young so much she shows him big ol' Mr. Kannish.
(D) His balls put off steam.
(E) All of the above.

Dan Marino, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 111)

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Mark McGwire
Team: Oakland A's
Position: First base
Value of card: Seven pieces of bark
Key 1988 stat: 7 feet tall (and that's just the bulge)
The legend of Big Mac of the Oaks: They called him Big Mac of the Oaks. He was as tall as a mighty tree and as mighty as lumberjack who chopped down mighty trees. He ate oxen whole and drank rivers in a gulp. They said his mother was a redwood and his father a sequoia. True or not, his legs were tree trunks and the arms the roots of his power. He was a massive man, no doubt, and when he walked from the forest of oaks, baseball bat in hand, throngs of awestruck onlookers came to see the great Big Mac, a man who would slowly drop his chosen maple club below his waist but above his knees, focusing the gazes of thousands upon his most impressive yet obvious feature, his wood.

Mark McGwire, 1989 Upper Deck

Marvin Jones, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 39)

Name: Marvin "Shade Tree" Jones

Teams: New York Jets, Oak Branches

Positions: Linebacker, shade provider

Value of card: Four twigs, set afire, stomped out, and then buried

Key 1990 stat: 48-inch girth

Marvin Jones' stream of consciousness, 10:12 to 10:14 a.m. Aug. 15, 1993: "I can't believe these Pro Line idiots made me climb a tree. OK. I get it. My nickname is 'Shade Tree.' But this demeans me and my on-the-field accomplishments. And it's such an tired pun. What does he mean my Zubaz pants are clashing with the foliage? These are the most radical pants on the market. I wear them everywhere: the locker room, the club, MC Hammer music videos. I'm not taking them off for anyone. Good thing I wore my bodacious high-tops today. They're great for climbing trees. Wait. Why am I perched in these branches, staring toward the horizon? These Pro Line photo shoots are ridiculous. It's not like they'd make Mark Clayton climb a goal post or have Charles Mann take off his shirt. Hold up. Did that guy over there just make a 'Roots' joke? I oughta ..."

Marvin Jones, 1993 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 39)