Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

Name: Gorilla Monsoon
From: Manchuria
Signature moves: Airplane Spin, announcing other wrestlers' signature moves
Value of card: One DVD copy of "Gorillas in the Mist" with a big scratch on it
Key 1990 stat: Surprisingly, afraid of both apes and summer thunderstorms
Clearing up some rumors about Gorilla Monsoon:

• Gorilla Monsoon did not work part-time as a strip club doorman. But he did know the doorman by name.
• Gorilla Monsoon did not dye his hair. He just slept better when his head was covered in motor oil.
• Gorilla Monsoon is not the first person in history to make a red tuxedo look good. Nobody has made a red tuxedo look good.
• Gorilla Monsoon was, in fact, a pro wrestler before becoming the WWF's play-by-play announcer. So he was used to looking this ridiculous.
• Gorilla Monsoon was not his real name, of course. His real name was Gorilla Haboob.

Gorilla Monsoon, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 6)

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Name: "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase
From: Palm Beach, Fla.
Signature move: Million Dollar Dream
Value of card: Every card has a price (this one is just really, really low)
Key 1989 stat: Zero real gems or gold on that belt
Some of the things that money, apparently, couldn't buy:

• A tuxedo not made of school supplies
• A proper BeDazzler
• A real championship belt
• A decent hair dye job
• The realization that, these days, a million dollars really isn't that much money, especially if all of an individual's assets are assessed
• Dignity

"Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 5)

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Name:  Barry Bonds
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Tuxedo sweat
Key 1992 stat: Head not yet the size of an asteroid
What's got Barry dressed up all fancy like?

A) His induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame (ha ha, nope)
B) A Christmas Eve dinner with buddy Vic Conte
C) Baseball fans and writers are throwing a gala in his honor
D) Court
E) All of the above (except A and C, of course)

Barry Bonds, 1993 Topps Stadium Club Ultra Pro

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: Coupon for $4.95 off a tuxedo rental at The Men's Wearhouse
Key 1990 stat: 12 balls thrown directly at camera during photo shoot
10 things you didn't know about Nolan Ryan's date to the black-tie-only senior ball:
10) She wore a lovely dress and the same cleats as Ryan.
9) She and Ryan shared their Skoal.
8) She enjoyed dances in Sears portrait studios, so she had a great time.
7) She brought a bat and had to use it at Lookout Point.
6) She was 63, too.
5) Turns out, she couldn't dance well after catching a heater in the ear hole.
4) She stopped Ryan before he got to first base.
3) "She" was a glove with a lot of glove oil.
2) He rode her onto the dance floor on a saddle (and she wore horseshoes).
1) It was Robin Ventura.

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Name: Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway
Team: Orlando Magic
Position: Guard
Value of card: A penny
Key 1993-94 stat: 14 different-colored tuxes worn
Welcome to Basketball Barf Art Week: With a Miami-Indy Game 7 tonight and the NBA Finals starting Thursday, it's a time for celebration. What better way to celebrate than with seven of the most mind-numbing basketball illustrations ever produced in sports card form? Well, er, yeah, there are plenty of better ways to celebrate than with these abominations, but, hell, we have nothing better to do, so enjoy the week.
10 magic tricks performed by Penny Hardaway:
10) Pull a rabbit out of his jockstrap.
9) Levitate the logo for the Internet's most embarrassing sports card blog.
8) Rent a tux; throw up on it; get it dry-cleaned; take it back.
7) Get commercials starring Lil' Penny made despite their obvious imbecility.
6) Cut Shaq Daddy in half (making him still about 6 feet tall).
5) Combine a card focused on magic with a solar system background — for no apparent reason.
4) Force-feed puns to an audience ad nauseum.
3) Turn a basketball into a penny with the help of trashy art.
2) Make his career disappear.
1) Grow a mustache as a haircut.

Anfernee Hardaway, 1994-95 Fleer Pro-Visions (Basketball Barf Art Week No. 1)

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: Catcher, tuxedoed
Value of card: One of the pins from a dress shirt
Key 1993 stat: 12 meatballs pulled from Tommy Lasorda's golf bag
A winner is you: As mentioned above, Mike Piazza was named the 1993 N.L. Rookie of the Year. Here are some other awards and honors this slugging squatter has taken home in his lifetime.

• Second place, 1993 Los Angeles Mullet Grand Prix
• Preferred customer at Big Joe's Hair Grease Emporium
• First place in the 1993 ITAMODYJFTSYL (Is that a Mustache or did You Just Forget to Shave Your Lip?) Cup
• Earned 5 percent off his next rental at Men's Wearhouse for returning the above tux early
• Won an Oscar for Best Fictional Screenplay for "Mr. Piazza Goes to Cooperstown"

Mike Piazza, 1993 Ultra Pro

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Eric Karros, left, and Dave Hansen
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pinch hitter extraordinaire
Value of card: Three squirts of gel, rubbed in your chest hair
Key 1992 stat: One debutante ball attended (together)
It's time for a well-dressed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Timeless style (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Anything-but-timeless hairstyles (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Superman curl (Winner: Karros)
Round 4: Resume as a pro (Winner: Karros)
Round 5: Resume as "ultra" (Winner: Hansen)
Round 6: Ability to hit in a pinch (Winner: Hansen)
Round 7: Ability to read lines as a Hollywood bit actor in a pinch (Winner: Karros)

Score: Karros 3, Hansen 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In a contest as tight as their cummerbunds, Karros and Hansen did battle on the field of The Matchup, and though Hansen was brave to wear a rented penguin suit, Karros took home the victory because of his minor-league turns on such forgettable shows as "Chicago Hope," "Arli$$" and "Port Charles."

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Name: Kevin Johnson

Teams: Phoenix Suns, Nation of Islam

Positions: Point guard, junior minister

Value of card: No monetary value: "As salaam alaikum"

Key 1991 stat: One separatist movement

Losing his religion: Kevin Johnson briefly joined the Nation of Islam in the early 1990s as a junior minister. He quickly rose to the rank of "all-holy speaker of truths" because of his oratory skills and how good he looked in a bow tie. But the radical views of the Nation of Islam wore on him. He didn't believe all white people were devils. In fact, he thought all people were created equal. But he loved religion, and he wasn't going to let a few hateful principles get in the way of his fashion style.

Yeah, put a bow on it: Weeks after leaving the Nation of Islam, the Rev. KJ started his own religious movement: The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The THOOICAWEALAYWABT became a sensation. People of all colors and creeds were drawn to the all-inclusive philosophies, self-exploring teachings and required Zubaz bow ties. Johnson became an all-powerful figure, but promised to always use his stature to better humanity. He was true to this pledge until he founded a city for disciples of The Holiest Order of Islam, Christianity and Whatever Else, as Long as You're Wearing a Bow Tie. The city quickly became a modern-day Gomorrah, with residents who shunned their religious views and started worshipping kings.

Kevin Johnson, 1991-92 NBA Hoops Inside Stuff (Basketball Week No. 6)

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla
Teams: New York Yankess, New York Mets
Positions: Vegas headliners (offseason only)
Value of card: Two cumberbunds
Key 1991 stat: Two shows a night, except holidays
Dinner and a show: Las Vegas was abuzz in the fall of 1991 when baseball sluggers Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla announced they would spend their offseason putting on a Rat Pack-style show at the recently opened Mirage hotel and casino. But the excitement wore off quickly on opening night, when a drunken Tartabull staggered onto the stage and asked, "What are all you people doing in my room?" Many thought he was stealing Dean Martin's old opening line — until he vomited into the orchestra pit. Tartabull then staggered offstage and Bonilla, wearing a bow tie that looked like it had been stolen off a clown's corpse, took over and told dead baby jokes for the next 20 minutes. Most of the crowd left, demanding a refund; the rest began heckling Bonilla mercilessly. At this point, Tartabull re-emerged, an Old-Fashioned in his hand, and started berating the audience, asking how many of them had ever homered twice, banged a Scores girl and downed a fifth of Tanqueray in one night. Bonilla raised his hand, the pair high-fived and then broke into the finale, a slurred, off-key duet of "New York, New York." The show was cancelled the next morning, but the undeterred duo opted to keep performing, moving the act to a bum-ridden alley near the Pioneer in downtown Vegas.

Card contributed by Clay Deas

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro