Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Name: Dave Engle
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1983 stat: 1,975 mischievous looks
It's time for a Twin Cities pop quiz:

Why does Dave Engle look so mischievous?

(A) He just filled his teammates' Gatorade bottles with chew spit.
(B) He just mixed Bengay in the sunflower seed stash.
(C) He just put a piece of chewed gum with a bubble on a teammate's hat — and then told his wife he'd cheated on her.
(D) He just got pictured on a baseball card despite barely being a baseball player.
(E) All of the above.

Dave Engle, 1984 Donruss

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

Name: Park Pittman
Team: Portland Beavers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1 pound of chewed-up wood
Key 1989 stat: 287,119 "beaver" jokes in the dugout
Minnesota Twins' scouting report of Portland Beavers prospect Park Pittman: "Big-league mullet, so who cares about his arm? ... We'll never be able to trade him to the Cardinals after they see him sporting a jersey that's an obvious ripoff of theirs. ... Appears to be storing a beaver pelt under his cap, which is a plus. ... We'll need to enlist the team barber to even out that 'stache. ... Has a name fit for a baseball comedy movie, which translates well considering his laughable prospects in the big leagues. ... Can we just bring up this Beaver? The clubhouse is a serious sausage fest."

Card submitted by Zach Jones

Park Pittman, 1990 PCL League

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Name: John Castino
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 times mistaken for a sickly Arnold Schwarzenegger
It's time for The Caption, which we're pretty sure never ran in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in 1981: "John Castino, above, pretends to be in his batting stance despite being turned the wrong way on the field before a game in Chicago against the White Sox during which his duck face pose frightened 11 children in the stands and sent seven of his teammates into uncontrollable fits of laughter on Tuesday."

John Castino, 1981 Donruss

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Name: Jerry Koosman
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1980 stat: 14 fans blinded by Koosman's baby-blue uniform
It's time for a Twin Cities edition of The Caption, which absolutely did not appear in the St. Paul Pioneer Press in the early 1980s: "Jerry Koosman, center, of the Minnesota Twins stands motionless for the third of five hours while frightening dozens of fans who dare cross the path of his evil devil stare before a game — which he wouldn't play in mainly because of his age but also because his manager held a grudge after Koosman once told him he got his last name when he was dating the manager's daughter —  at Metropolitan Stadium against the Detroit Tigers when it was 22 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of 11 on Tuesday in Minneapolis."

Jerry Koosman, 1981 Donruss

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Mickey's 40-ounce
Key 1981 stat: 24 hours with a supreme being's glory shining on him
It's time for a religious pop quiz:

Why is Mickey Hatcher basking in God's good light from the heavens?

(A) Because God loves a professional athlete who needs Just for Men.
(B) Because God loves a grown man who looks like a sixth-grade rascal.
(C) Because God loves all of us, you atheist pig.
(D) Because God loves a baseball player who moonlights as a prop comic.
(E) All of the above.

Mickey Hatcher, 1982 Donruss

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Names: Phil Niekro, Joe Niekro
Teams: Cleveland Indians, Minnesota Twins
Positions: Aces
Value of card: That brutal crease makes it worth twice as much
Key 1987 stat: 151 whippersnappers tossed off their lawns
It's time for a brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Older than dirt (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Survived the depression (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Memories of baseball cards in tobacco pouches (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Reputation as a silver fox (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for eating dinner at 4 p.m., game or not (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Experience playing against Ty Cobb (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Ready to punch you in the face for making fun of his age (Winner: Phil Niekro)

Score: Phil Niekro 1, Joe Niekro 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: As you'd expect, this was a close contest, with two brothers of advancing years going toe-to-toe. But, in the end, Phil Niekro's punch-happy attitude overcame the Twin on this card.

Phil and Joe Niekro, 1988 Topps '87 Record Breakers

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Names: Young Graig Nettles, Old Graig Nettles
Teams: Minnesota Twins, New York Yankees, respectively
Positions: Third base (both)
Value of card: Inflation's rise between 1967 and 1983 (multiplied by zero)
Key 1982 stat: 234 hours wishing it were 1967
It's time for a young-vs.-old edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ridiculous spelling of "Greg" (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Fantastic Sam's little boy's special haircut (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 3: Veteran hair wings (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 4: Slightly agape mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for playing marbles between innings (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 6: Ability to pose for (cough, cough) game-action shots (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 7: Poised in position to smack his counterpart in the back of the head with a baseball bat (Winner: Old Nettles)

Score: Old Nettles 3, Young Nettles 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The young and old versions of Graig Nettles did battle, and things were tense, but in the end, the veteran soothed the rookie into complacency before setting him up like an Incrediball on a tee.

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Name: Butch Wynegar
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: Two gold cups (actually, reproductions of them on a worthless baseball card)
Key 1976 stat: 12 marbles won during elementary school recess
It's time to ask: What are the chances?

What are the chances ...
Wynegar's mother called him "Harold": 93%
Wynegar started using the nickname "Butch" to sound more like a big-leaguer: 95%
Wynegar's charade was exposed by the signature on this card: 100%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar was drafted straight out of high school by the Twins: 90%
Wynegar was younger than 18 when he first played for the Twins: 92%
Wynegar had to study his sixth-grade multiplication tables after this photo shoot for the Twins: 94%

What are the chances ...
Wynegar inspired thousands with his babyface looks: 8%
Wynegar inspired hundreds of gingers with his orangish-red locks: 12%
Wynegar inspired fewer fans than were in the stands in this card: 98%

Butch Wynegar, 1977 Topps

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Name: Craig Kusick
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: First base, designated hitter
Value of card: The leftover skin after a Siamese twin separation procedure
Key 1978 stat: 28,981 hours searching for his twin
Here's what Craig Kusick stands for:

Chin lines make necklaces unnecessary
Rose-colored glasses, but still hates what he sees
Ate bad trout sandwich, turned pale
In Twin Cities, still a well-known hobo
Glasses acted as official "jumping of shark" moment for 1970s shades style

Karaoke king who always sings "Superfly"
Underwear had more holes than his swing
Smile is a bit crooked, mirroring his poker reputation
Inside his stomach, an unborn twin
Caterpillar mustache about to crawl off his face
Keynote speaker at Kentucky Fried Chicken College commencement, 1981

Craig Kusick, 1979 Topps

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Name: Dan Gladden
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Glad bag, ripped
Key 1989 stat: 0-and-46 against Kirby Puckett in eating competitions
Finishing with a grimace: What's the most disturbing thing about this Diamond King?

A) Dan Gladden's lopsided face
B) Dan Gladden's trillions of wrinkles
C) Dan Gladden's 20-hair mustache
D) Dan Gladden's squinty, pea-size eyes
E) Tiny, dancing Dan Gladden
F) The lopsided border. Poor form, Donruss!

Dan Gladden, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Disturbing Diamond Kings Week No. 7)

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Name: Kirby Puckett
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Same price as that necklace: 50 cents
Key 1990 stat: 36 instances of Twin Cities streaking
Script from Acme Vending Machine Jewelry Inc. commercial, circa 1991: "Think fast, baseball fans. This is Kirby Puckett, and I want to take a minute of your time to talk about Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, the most fashionable flair you can get for 50 cents. You see, I'm a big leaguer, and big leaguers like to look good — real good. So of course I want a necklace with my number on it. Sure, I had to spend $27.50 in quarters to finally get the No. 34 necklace out of the vending machine — Anybody need a charm bracelet with hearts and baseballs on it? — but, clearly, it was worth it. I'm now the most stylish guy in the locker room. Don't believe me? Let me take off my shirt. Still don't believe me? There go my pants. Think that's inappropriate? Let me show you why they call me 'Kirby.' But you don't need to be nude to get the most bling for your half-buck. Just head to the grocery store or pizzeria with a couple of quarters and twist the knob. Now you're golden.* This is a completely naked Kirby Puckett reminding you that at Acme Vending Machine Jewelry, we don't want to cost you a lot of green, we want our jewelry to leave some on you."

* Note: Acme Vending Machine Jewelry is not made of real gold and therefore won't make you "golden" in the strict sense of the word. Thank you.

Kirby Puckett, 1991 Score Dream Team

Mickey Hatcher, 1986 Fleer

Name: Mickey Hatcher
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: Outfield, lower than most
Value of card: One of the tiniest jockstraps ever made, used
Key 1985 stat: Zero pop flies missed
The Legend of mini-Mickey Hatcher: Mini-Mickey Hatcher was born to a caring family that was normal in almost every way, except for a gene carried across generations that halted growth at age 1. Mini-Mickey's mind and motor skills grew, but his body stayed at 1 foot, 8 inches year after year. Schoolmates often made fun of mini-Mickey, but he smiled through it, making friends easily with a personality that focused on fun. One Christmas, mini-Mickey's parents bought him a baseball glove; it was a gift he adored, a gift that changed his life. He kept that normal-size glove with him at all times, often curling up inside it when his eyes got heavy. As he grew older — not taller, mind you — he got better and better at baseball. He drew walks at an astounding rate and never missed a pop fly. He moved from Little League to high school ball to the minor leagues, all the while bringing along his cherished glove, his best friend. When mini-Mickey reached the big leagues, he brought the mitt with him. But on some nights, when he was asked to play catcher, he left the old glove at home. The Twins had given him a catcher's mitt that he liked, too, especially when he used it as a sofa.

Mickey Hatcher, 1986 Fleer

Brian Harper, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Name: Brian Harper
Team: Minnesota Twins
Positions: Catcher, on hold
Value of card: 25 cents for the first minute, zero after
Key 1992 stat: $285 monthly mobile phone bill
10 things Brian Harper said while on the phone:
10) "Yeah, it's great. I get reception in like four places around town."
9) "Can I call you back? My arm is soooo tired."
8) "Honey, stop yelling. I'm sorry I used the last garbage bag for a short-sleeve jacket."
7) "Mustaches? Yes, I am interested."
6) "Hold on, Gary, I have Joe on the other line."
5) "It sounds like you're right next door — mowing the lawn underground with your mouth taped."
4) "Yup, I can call anyone, and then I use it as a bat at the plate."
3) "Is that you over there, in the distance? Do you see me, looking like a moron with a giant phone pressed against my head?"
2) "Yes, I play for the Twins. My twin? Zack Morris."
1) "I can't hear you. I just answered the iron."

Brian Harper, 1993 Upper Deck SP

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Name: Rusty Kuntz ("Something funny?")
Team: Minnesota Twins ("Why ya laughin'?")
Position: Outfield ("Yeah, that's right, 'outfield.'")
Value of card: 2 ounces of rust ("Problem?")
Key 1983 stat: 4,286 flip-outs ("Best for you to leave.")
I'm looking at you: "You lookin' at something? I see ya laughin'. What's so funny, huh? You gots a problem we need to work out? You want to work it out with our fists? You're still smilin'. Hide that smirk, you miserable punk. You lookin' at my shirt? You think this baby-blue bad boy is funny? I didn't think so. You laughin' at my bangs? You better not be laughin' at my bangs. These flowing golden locks drive the ladies crazy. So what's funny, huh, punk? What's so funny? Maybe my memory is getting a little rusty, but I don't remember seeing anything around here that's so funny. My name? What about my name? Wipe that smirk off your face, punk. You're talking to Mr. Kuntz. Mr. Rusty Kuntz."

Rusty Kuntz, 1984 Fleer

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Scott Erickson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Lake Tahoe Bunny Slope Ski Team
Positions: Pitcher, lying prone after a crash
Value of card: 3 ounces of snowflakes, melted, spilled on floor
Key 1991 stat: 2 for 2 victories in ugly Christmas sweater party contests
Fun facts about skiing and Scott Erickson's life:

• In skiing, you go downhill, hopefully fast. In Erickson's life, his career went downhill, predictably fast.
• In skiing, you carve fresh powder. In Erickson's life, he carved his fresh haircut out of solid oak.
• In skiing, you carry the tools of your trade over your shoulder. In Erickson's life, he looked like a tool carrying his skis over his shoulder.
• In skiing, moguls are the large bumps traversed with speed. In Erickson's life, the Rembrandt moguls must have been high on large bumps of speed to approve this card.
• In skiing, you can wind up covered in the whitest of snow. In Erickson's life, he wound up being covered in the whitest of sweaters.

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Name: Derek Parks
Team: Minnesota Twins (sparingly, at times)
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See those bangs sticking out from under the helmet? Those, cut off, put in a plastic bag and burned
Key 1989 stat: 63-pound jaw
Scouting report on Derek Parks, in terms that also reflect this lackluster card: "I'm only pretty sure we've seen this kid before, but I'm positive the previous incarnations didn't impress. ... If we're talking Parks, it's time for some clear-cutting. ... This guy's game could put a meth addict to sleep. ... The approximate number of fans in the background reflects the approximate number of fans who think putting this guy on our team is a good idea. ... We saw flair from this kid on the field once. Excuse us, "flare." He lit a firecracker. ... We spent 27 innings studying his swing, his handling of pitchers and his overall skills. We slept through 26 of them. ... Calling this kid 'boring' is doing a disservice to blind librarians, white crayons, DMV waits and the 1990 Bowman set."

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Derek Parks, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 6)

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Name: Scott Leius
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Third base
Value of card: Less than your neighbor's garbage
Key 1989 stat: Not one, but two humongous batting helmet flaps
10 fascinating things about this completely "unboring"card:
10) "Are you serious?"
9) "What kind of a question is that?"
8) "Have you seen this card?"
7) "Have you seen this set?"
6) "Can you see at all?"
5) "I'd say ... nothing."
4) "Are we done here?"
3) Sigh.
2) (face palm)
1)

Card submitted by Omar Zazueta

Scott Leius, 1990 Bowman (Boring Bowman Week No. 4)

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer

Name: Pedro Munoz
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Outfield
Value of card: All the tobacco and food you can scrape off Pedro Munoz's teeth
Key 1990 stat: 7½ hat; 8¾ head
It's time for a location-based pop quiz:

Wait a sec; where the hell is Pedro Munoz standing?

(A) In the second deck of old Tigers Stadium
(B) In the second deck of a stadium that isn't Munoz's or the Twins' home stadium
(C) In the second deck of a green-screen studio with a generic baseball stadium background
(D) In the second deck of worthless baseball cards with blinding yellow borders
(E) All of the above

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Pedro Munoz, 1991 Fleer