Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Name: Greg Anthony
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: The dictionary page with the word "bust" on it, torn out
Key 1991 stat: Always tried to blend into the background
San Diego Padres scouting report on draft pick Greg Anthony: "He's got three solid pitches      by which we mean we need to limit his pitch count to three. ... He's very insistent that we change our uniforms to paisley. ... Plus-plus ability to pose in front of trees. ... Almost strangled himself with his own necklace a couple of times. ... Eats Vienna sausages by the case. ... It's always risky drafting a two-sport star, but he could pay off. Wait, this is UNLV's Greg Anthony, right? No? That's it, I resign."

Greg Anthony, 1992 Topps Draft Pick

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

Name: Maury Buford
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Punter
Value of card: Humiliation
Key 1991 stat: Two first names that fell out of fashion long ago
It's a Sunday Caption, which could have appeared in the Chicago Sun-Times in 1991, maybe: "Bears punter Maury Buford kneels on the ground and looks longingly after the group of offensive linemen who removed and stole his pants while calling him 'Barfy Muford' as the evening breeze ruffles his windbreaker and mullet Friday morning in Chicago."

Maury Buford, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 34)

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

Names: George Brett and Gaylord Perry
Team: Kansas City Royals
Positions: Third base and old pitcher
Value of card: One pine tar-covered shaft
Key 1983 stat: One of them got really angry
What are George Brett and Gaylord Perry re-enacting?

A) George Brett's famous pine tar incident
B) The incident that earned Perry his first name
C) A scene from the film "Bi-Curious George"
D) A time when it was acceptable for grown men to wear baby blue from head to toe
E) All of the above

George Brett and Gaylord Perry, 1984 Fleer Superstar Special

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

 

Names: John Denny, Vern Ruhle

Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Houston Astros

Positions: Pitcher, one and all

Value of cards: What's 2 x 0?

Key 1982 stats: Zero smiles

Happy New Year: Here at the Bust, we don't often highlight two cards in one post, but when those two cards each feature the classic Topps pose known as "The Pit Stain," we figure they must be ripe for a Matchup.

Round 1: Chins (Winner: Denny      2-0, a shutout!)

Round 2: Sleeve length (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 3: Number of letters in name (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Number of first names in name (Winner: Denny)

Round 5: Crater face (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 6: Photo taken at the gates of heaven (Winner: Denny, apparently)

Round 7: Wispy facial hair (Winner: Denny)

Round 8: Ability to close mouth completely (Winner: Denny)

Round 9: Ability to look cool while doing this pose (Winner: Tie      nobody has ever managed this)

Final score: Denny 5, Ruhle 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Denny hits a grand slam (breakfast) and greases the opposition, thanks to his defined jaw line and much-less-defined mustache.

Cards suggested by Tyler Kepner

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

Lee Lacy, 1982 Topps

Name: Lee Lacy. Yes, really
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Positions: Outfield, second base
Value of card: An acre of yellow
Key 1981 stat: Two names of differing gender
Top 10 things Lee Lacy was sad about in 1981:

10) The mid-season strike
9) The mid-season end to free meals
8) Playing 10 years without ever appearing in more than 109 games
7) Teammates always calling him by his last name first
6) Teammates always calling him by obscenities second
5) Wearing a tarp for an undershirt
4) Those yellow batting helmets
3) Nobody liking his poems
2) Knowing that MTV was going to sell out at some point
1) People knowing his full first name was Leondaus

Lee Lacy, 1982 Topps

Dave Stewart and Mike Moore, 1990 Score

Names: Dave Stewart, Mike Moore
Team: Oakland A's
Positions: Pitchers
Value of card: Knowing that the A's were once good
Key 1989 stat: One shaky World Series
Key 2012 stat: Happy New Year to all six of our loyal readers
It's a World Series Matchup:

Round 1: Meanest look on face (Winner: Stewart)
Round 2: Goofiest look on face (Winner: Moore)
Round 3: Winning two games in a World Series sweep (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Liked peanut butter more (Winner: Moore)
Round 5: Drafted as a catcher (Winner: Stewart)
Round 6: Could pull a wagon with his teeth (Winner: Moore)
Round 7: Two first names (Winner: Stewart)

Final score: Stewart 3, Moore 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Not only did these guys refuse to lose to the Giants, they couldn't even lose to each other. But while a tie may be unsatisfying, the important thing about his card is the Actual World Series action photography. Thanks for pointing that out, Score.

Dave Stewart and Mike Moore, 1990 Score

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, surgery name
Value of card: Zero diamonds
Key 1987 stat: 10 surgeries
It's that time again: Last year, we here at The Bust brought you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week. The response was so huge — we got at least a dozen hits that week — we decided to bring it back in 2011, with a bunch of not-so-fresh faces. So, grab your pine tar and get ready to smear it all over your computer screen when you see a new "god-awful" Diamond King each day this week.

10 kinds of surgery Tommy John should have gone through, as indicated by this card:
10) Life-saving surgery to remove the giant growth protruding from his neck
9) Tattoo-removal surgery to get rid of the inked-on pinstripes on his chest
8) Dental surgery to give him a few more on the left side of his mouth
7) Hat surgery, because something needs to be done about that
6) Skin surgery to give him even pigmentation, rather than the color wheel seen above
5) Brain surgery to cure the epilepsy given to anyone, including himself, who saw the rainbow behind him
4) Plastic surgery to add 11 more wrinkles to the right side of his face, to even out the sides
3) Experimental surgery to remove his tiny Siamese twin brother from his shoulder
2) Not so much a surgical operation, but more of a haircut to get rid of those hideous bangs
1) Tommy John surgery to remove him from this god-awful Diamond King

Tommy John, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (God-Awful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Name: Pat Perry

Team: Chicago Cubs

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: 6 ounces of bear cub dung

Key 1989 stat: Two genders

You make the call: Cubs management was confused. His teammates were confused. His off-the-field friends were confused. Why the confusion? Was Pat a he? Was Pat a she? Well, it's Pat.

Evidence for him being a he:

• Shirt-busting biceps.
• Sweat-drenched mesh.
• Manly chin.
• Arms as hairy as an orangutan's taint.

Evidence for her being a she:

• Features as soft as an angel's wings.
• Skin-tight magenta undershirt.
• Matching lipstick.
• Well-moisturized skin.

Conclusion: With such an even distribution of evidence, it's hard to tell; it's curious to everyone; it's a mystery; it's Pat.

Pat Perry, 1990 Topps

Robin Yount, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then

Name: Robin Yount

Team: Milwaukee Brewers

Position: Center field, shortstop

Value of card: Two 12 packs of Milwaukee's Best

Key 1992 stat: Two 12 packs of Milwaukee's Best, consumed before photo shoot

The Matchup gets a little tipsy in Milwaukee:

Round 1: Flowing locks (Winner: Young Robin)

Round 2: Hollow, dead eyes (Winner: Tie)

Round 3: Larry Bird resemblance (Winner: Young Robin)

Round 4: Unkempt facial hair (Winner: Tie)

Round 5: Depth of wrinkles (Winner: Old Robin)

Round 6: Woman's name, or that of a superhero sidekick (Winner: Tie)

Round 7: Chicken neck (Winner: Tie)

Round 8: Elf ears (Winner: Old Robin)

Round 9: Lip hair (Winner: Young Robin)

Score: Young Robin 3, Old Robin 2, Ties 4

Synopsis: There were more ties than wins for either competitor, which seems fitting considering Yount looked just as old in 1974 as in 1992. In the end, though, Young Robin takes home the Bust trophy thanks to his amateur, disheveled lip blanket.

Robin Yount, 1993 Pinnacle Now & Then

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)

Name: Thurman Thomas

Team: Buffalo Bills
Position: Running Back
Value of card: One oil fire
Key 1991 stat: No jewelry
Tagline for the world's worst movie, "The Thurmanator": In the Year of Darkness, 2029, the rulers of Buffalo devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the future by changing the past. The plan required something that would never fumble, stumble or miss a chip block. Something that could score from anywhere on the field. Something that, for once, would bring a Super Bowl title to Buffalo. Of course, that isn't really possible, so instead they created The Thurmanator, bringer of AFC championships and loser of helmets at crucial moments.

Thurman Thomas, 1992 Skybox (NFL Kickoff Week No. 6)

Surgery, 1986 Topps

Name: Surgery

Team: Oakland A's

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Seven ligament fragments

Key 1985 stat: 211 times under the scalpel

Player and procedure become one: The year was 1974, and a young pitcher named Surgery was enjoying a successful season with the Los Angeles Dodgers. Surgery spent the first half of the season mowing down batters, but spent the second half of the season mowed down by an injury. Surgery still had a passion for the game, so he opted for a procedure that had never been tested on a human. The procedure was called "Tommy John surgery," named after the two most generic first names for white Americans. Surgery went under the scalpel, and came out a better pitcher. As can be seen in the card above, Surgery went on to play until age 68, thus paving the way for hundreds of players who regained their form after the Tommy John procedure. Surgery, the man, felt so indebted to the procedure that he took its name as his own.

Fun (true) fact: Tommy John decided to retire in 1989 after 26 major league seasons when he surrendered two hits to Mark McGwire in his rookie season. McGwire's father had been John's dentist years before. When asked about his decision, John said, "When your dentist's kid starts hitting you, it's time to retire."

Surgery, 1986 Topps