Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Name: Ricky Ervins
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Running back
Value of card: See that bracelet? Even less than that
Key 1992 stat: One fine for indecent exposure at the neighborhood park
Black belt in awkwardness: Here are a few martial arts that Ricky Ervins enjoyed.

• Topless taekowndo
• Kitless krav maga
• Unclothed karate
• Au naturel aikido
• Manflesh muay thai
• Nude-o judo

Ricky Ervins, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 69)

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Name: Jarome Arthur-Leigh Adekunle Tig Junior Elvis Iginla
Team: Calgary Flames
Position: Right wing
Value of card: A wet beer pong ball that has rolled under the couch
Key 1997-98 stat: Two sports mastered
Jarome Iginla's train of thought between 2:12 and 2:14 p.m., December 2, 1997: "Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Ping pong counts as a workout, right? ... Eye on the ball, that's it. ... Why is this creep taking pictures of me right now? ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... Oh geez, my shorts are riding up my five-hole again. ... Eye on the ball, eye on the ball. ... I hope my overdeveloped left thigh doesn't look too weird right now. ... Eye on the      wait, what am I supposed to keep my eye on again? Ah, crap, that's game."

Jarome Iginla, 1997-98 Upper Deck Collector's Choice (Another Hockey Week No. 1)

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

Name: Jay Bell
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four broken golf tees 
Key 1997 stat: Zero idea how to play golf
At the sound of the bell, please answer this pop quiz: What's Jay Bell up to here?

A) Getting ready to move to golf-friendly Arizona
B) Going from a former greenskeeper to a Masters champion
C) Playing golf with a base and a baseball. Duh.
D) Working on his putts
E) All of the above

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Jay Bell, 1998 Topps Chrome

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Names: Dave, left, and Doug Widell
Team: Denver Broncos
Positions: Tackle (Dave), guard (Doug)
Value of card: Three rubber pieces from a ripped-apart racquetball
Key 1990 stat: 22 times they shaved each other's faces
It's time for another brotherly edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Belief that sleeves are for suckas (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Penchant for wearing sister's shorts (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Mad racquetball skills (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Desire to get sweaty, stay sweaty, live sweaty (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Sweet high-tops, bro (Winner: Tie)
Round 6: Life spent in the shadows (Winner: Tie)
Round 7: Hair (Winner: Doug Widell)

Score: Doug 1, Dave 0, Ties 6

Synopsis: When you have two brothers who are this similar, you're going to have a close contest. But Doug shined, mainly because his brother's head did too.

Dave and Doug Widell, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 36)

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Name: Brian Jordan
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One loss in fantasy football
Key 1997 stat: Many losses in fantasy football
We'll take a pass: Brian Jordan was a two-sport athlete for several years, playing defensive back for the Atlanta Falcons while climbing the St. Louis Cardinals' farm system. He even led the Falcons in tackles in 1991 and was a Pro Bowl alternate. But he signed a contract with the Cardinals in 1992 that required him  to quit football (except for ridiculous baseball card photo shoots, apparently). Here are a few of the Bust's other favorite two-sport stars.

• Deion Sanders, who was a football player, a baseball player, and just a player
• Bo Jackson, whose talent was almost as ridiculous as his sports cards
• Kenny Lofton, who loved sunglasses and short-shorts
• John Elway, who was a QB, a collegiate baseball player, and a lifelong thoroughbred-face
• Nolan Ryan, who threw hard pitches and punches

Brian Jordan, 1998 Topps

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Braves
Positions: Ace, left wing
Value of card: 2 pounds of Zamboni sludge
Key 1991 stat: 14 calls for icing
It's time for a one-man, two-sport edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Penchant to get involved in a "two-on-one" (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 2: Disgust at eating a moose and maple syrup sandwich (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 3: Mullet (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sweet turtleneck that allows for mullet tucking (Winner: Baseball Glavine)
Round 5: Footwear that makes him a bit taller around the ladies (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 6: Nose for the crease, so to speak (Winner: Hockey Glavine)
Round 7: Longer stick (Winner: Hockey Glavine)

Score: Hockey Glavine 4, Baseball Glavine 2, Ties 1

Synopsis: It was a close Matchup when Canadian Hockey Glavine took on his clone, Atlanta Baseball Glavine, but, in the end, Hockey Glavine ended up with a powerplay while Baseball Glavine spent two minutes in the box for getting embarrassed.

Tom Glavine, 1992 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 4)

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Scott Erickson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Lake Tahoe Bunny Slope Ski Team
Positions: Pitcher, lying prone after a crash
Value of card: 3 ounces of snowflakes, melted, spilled on floor
Key 1991 stat: 2 for 2 victories in ugly Christmas sweater party contests
Fun facts about skiing and Scott Erickson's life:

• In skiing, you go downhill, hopefully fast. In Erickson's life, his career went downhill, predictably fast.
• In skiing, you carve fresh powder. In Erickson's life, he carved his fresh haircut out of solid oak.
• In skiing, you carry the tools of your trade over your shoulder. In Erickson's life, he looked like a tool carrying his skis over his shoulder.
• In skiing, moguls are the large bumps traversed with speed. In Erickson's life, the Rembrandt moguls must have been high on large bumps of speed to approve this card.
• In skiing, you can wind up covered in the whitest of snow. In Erickson's life, he wound up being covered in the whitest of sweaters.

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Steve Nash, 1996-97 Upper Deck (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Name: Steve NASH (apparently)
Team: Phoenix Suns on Ice
Positions: Guard, hockey player
Value of card: Zamboni exhaust
Key 1996-97 stat: Zero power play goals
Words of wisdom: The caption written (in white type on a white background       genius!) on this ridiculous card reads, "Nash shows that he too is a multi-talented superstar by displaying his love for puck." Hey, we all have love for puck, but here are a few alternate captions that Upper Deck considered for that space:

• "Nash, age 15, sets himself up for a bout with frostbite by ice-skating in shorts and a basketball jersey. Kids these days!"
• "Nash shows that he too is not very bright by trying to shoot a basketball past a goalie into a hockey net."
• "Nash is seen just moments before getting cross-checked by the Phoenix Suns Gorilla. That's bananas!"
• "Hold on, they have hockey rinks in Phoenix?"

Card courtesy of FatShawnKemp.com

Steve Nash, 1996-97 Upper Deck (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Deion Sanders, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Deion Sanders
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Falcons
Positions: Outfield, cornerback, hip-hop star
Value of card: One gold-plated money sign necklace
Key 1991 stat: 12 interceptions (of pitch-outs)
Deion Sanders, By the Numbers:

186: Career stolen bases
187: Pager code sent to fellow two-sport star Bo Jackson
188: Pieces of gold worn in one month's time
112: Weight of Deion's ego, in metric tons
17: Times Deion referred to himself in the third person in one sentence, June 16, 1991
4: Deions on this card
4: Deion mirror reflections that Deion used to style Deion's hair
2: Atlanta sports teams on which Deion played
2: Legitimate solo tackles Deion made in 1992
1: More Deion on this card than on this card
0: No. 1 hip-hop hits, despite his efforts

Deion Sanders, 1992 Upper Deck

Mike Bordick, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Bordick
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four ounces of sand
Key 1991 stat: One championship belt
Double threat: We've profiled a handful of two-sport players here at the Bust, including Deion Sanders, Kenny Lofton and the immortal Bo Jackson, but perhaps no athlete has bridged a wider professional gap than Mike "The Barracuda" Bordick. An MLB shortstop by day, Bordick could often be found moonlighting at seedy, late-night professional wrestling events. His bare chest glistening with oil under rented lights, The Barracuda took on all comers, unleashing an arsenal of staged moves and eventually earning a "championship" belt with a real gold-painted plastic centerpiece. But Bordick's late nights began catching up with him, leading to confusion on his part. Here we see Bordick about to unleash a Flying Nuclear Elbow Drop on a hapless Tigers baserunner. After breaking the man's jaw, The Barracuda gave up the ring, thereby completely removing himself from any possible contact with steroids.

Mike Bordick, 1992 Upper Deck

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Name: Bo Jackson
Teams: Kansas City Royals, Los Angeles Raiders
Positions: Outfielder/Running Back, apparently
Value of card: Half off
Key 1989 stat: Four amputated fingers
More great moments in Photoshop: The makers of this fine special edition card were split over how to present it. Half wanted Bo in baseball attire, while the other half preferred his football photo. A bitter debate divided the room, causing a rift between longtime coworkers and friends. After dissecting the subject for days, there seemed no end to the dichotomy between them. Rather than tearing the project asunder, these masterminds searched the hemisphere for someone — or something — to unite them. In the end, it was a brand-new software that brought them harmony. Sure, it cost Bo four fingers and caused his ears to become uneven, but it did nothing to diminish his bulge.

Bo Jackson, 1990 special edition (Bo Week, No. 6)

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Shirtless Wonders
Position: Wait, this looks familiar
Value of card: One case of deja vu
Key 1989 stat: Won the redundancy award for redundancy
Here we go again: Shoulder pads, baseball bat, ridiculous lack of jersey — yup, we've been here before. Thankfully, the back of the card is a font of useful information. Hold on, isn't this the same photo as earlier, just with the football pants cropped out? What kind of talentless hacks take the same gimmick and use it over and over? Speaking of which, let's get a quick pop quiz in here.

What other companies used this photo to advertise their products?
A) Playgirl, Bartles & Jaymes and NAPA Auto Parts
B) Playgirl, Playtex and Play-Doh
C) Playgirl, Missouri Lottery and the Smithsonian Institution
D) Playgirl, Crazy Teddy's New & Used Car Sales and NASA
E) Nike, Gatorade and Tecmo. And Playgirl

Bo Jackson, 1990 Score (Bo Week, No. 4)

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Name: Bo Jackson

Team: Los Angeles Raiders

Position: Running back

Value of card: I'm sorry. What? I was distracted.

Key 1990 stat: Bulge. I mean, uh, I was distracted. I mean, um, five rushing touchdowns.

The bulge of Bo Week: At first glance, this card seems reasonable. It's an intricate likeness of a superior athlete. Bo is in a Raiders uniform, and his baseball career is tastefully alluded to through the drawing of stitches on the moon. Then your eyes pan down. What is that? The illustrator chose to display Mr. Jackson's — bam — in an exaggerated way (at least we hope it's exaggerated). Your eyes are first drawn to the football at Bo's side, then — bam. Maybe your eyes are drawn to the Raiders helmet, whose chinstrap happens to be pointing to — bam. You can't escape it. Bo's belt can't even stay buckled because of that — bam. And what about the stitch design on the crotch of Bo's football pants? Bam. But the bam isn't contained to the frame of the illustration. Oh no. Even Bo's first name — bam — parts like the Red Sea for the — bam bam bam — just in case that buckle breaks and the bam falls through the bottom of the frame.

Bo Jackson, 1991 Fleer Illustration (Bo Week, No. 3)

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Undetermined due to lack of jersey
Position: Um, batback?
Value of card: Two sports
Key 1988 stat: One unoriginal idea
Welcome to Bo Week: This week, we at the Bust celebrate the greatest two-sport star of all time (well, after Deion Sanders and Michael Jordan), Bo Jackson. During the late 1980s and early '90s, Bo was an American legend, an icon known for wearing shoulder pads and carrying a weighty stick — like RuPaul, but different. He played most of his pro baseball career for the Kansas City Royals, which always left his autumns open for football and the Los Angeles Raiders. Here we see Bo in a pose that certainly will not be copied in any other cards this week — wearing football pants and shoulder pads while holding a baseball bat. Surely card companies thought of myriad other ways to shoot Bo. Right?

Bo Jackson, 1989 Bo Knows (Bo Week, No. 1)