Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Name: Don Mossi
Team: Kansas City Athletics
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A bucket full of dead squirrels
Key 1965 stat: 276 women wooed
Let's see what Don Mossi stands for:

Desirable men like this don't come around often
Ostentatious display of sexuality? Check
Never underestimate the animalistic allure of Mr. Mossi

Masculinity is off the charts
Opposite-sex attraction was only half the story
Seductive gazes enchanted the ladies
Stunning combination of attractive features
Inviting? Absolutely; why don't you just head to his bedroom now?

Don Mossi, 1966 Topps

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Name: Gah! We mean, Willie McGee
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 40 shudders
Key 1988 stat: Even he seemed appalled by himself
Come on, Topps: Look, we understand the point of the Topps Big set was to get both an action shot and an up-close mug of the same player on one card. But maybe you could have just gone with two action shots of Willie? We mean, good lord, nobody needs to see that homely face smiling (is he smiling?) right back at them. Imagine the poor kids who saw this card! Nightmares for weeks, and probably a bout of bed-wetting, too (that was our excuse, at least). It's bad enough that these cards won't fit in our standard-issue card pages, you don't need to torment us with a full-on view of the Chinless Wonder as well. Now, if you'll excuse us, we need to go wash our sheets.

Willie McGee, 1989 Topps Big

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Name: Jim Moore
Team: Fort Myers Royals
Position: Traveling secretary (not just some fat guy who was at the ballpark, OK?)
Value of card: An old boarding pass from two years ago
Key 1984 stat: Jokingly mispronounced Fort Myers as "Fart Myers" 71 times
A career journeyman: Jim Moore bounced around the minors for years, never quite able to get over the hump and earn a call-up to the show. His was an up-and-down career coming into 1984. It seemed like every time he would score a huge discount on a four-star hotel, he'd follow it up by sitting along the roadside after the team bus broke down, unable to secure a replacement for hours on end. But Moore's big breakthrough finally came that same year with the Fort Myers Royals. Using his rugged good looks and sharp sense of style, Moore sweet-talked his way into the heart of one of Tampa's richest female executives, persuading her to sell her Learjet to the team for just pennies on the dollar. The decision-makers in Kansas City took notice, and Jim Moore was soon on his way to the bigs, saying goodbye to the minors forever and leaving yet another woman brokenhearted.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Name: Mike Loynd
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An expired Hamburger Helper coupon
Key 1986-87 stat: Zero attractive photos taken
Here's what Mike Loynd and this winner of a card stand for:

Major league pitcher     no, really!
Impossible for this photo to be any worse
Kelp-colored photo backdrop was a nice touch
Eyebrows offered more heat than his fastball

Looks like someone could use a lesson in skin care
Only source of light in the room appears to be reflecting off his greasy forehead
Yes, that's his smile...
No, he's not just grinding grain with his teeth
Didn't get a chance to see Mike pitch in the bigs? You must have been busy that month.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Mike Loynd, 1987 Topps

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Alan Trammell
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Three paper stripes
Key 1987 stat: Turned a lot of double plays, drank a lot of double bourbons
Alan Trammell, by the numbers:
8: Solid-colored stripes in the background of this oh-so-imaginative card
28: Inches of face in the foreground of this oh-so-nightmarish card
0: Legible markings, either numbers or letters, on the back of li'l Alan's jersey
3: Inches of hair covering Trammell's gigantic left ear
3.5: Inches of dimple in the first of Trammell's chins
10: Degrees that Trammell's nose lists to one side
1: Person who thought this qualified as art (that's right, Perez, we're still mad, no matter what we said earlier!)

Alan Trammell, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Apologies for Another Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Name: Kerwin Bell, apparently
Team: Orlando Thunder, apparently
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: The towel tucked into Bell's waistband, unwashed
Key 1991 stat: Was paid to dress like this
Avert your eyes and take this pop quiz: What's the least athletic thing on this card?

A) Kerwin Bell's body
B) Kerwin Bell's name
C) Kerwin Bell's uniform
D) Kerwin Bell's mustache
E) The World League of American Football

Kerwin Bell, 1991 Pro Set World League (Football Friday No. 181)

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Names: Gheorghe Muresan, left, and Shawn Bradley, uncredited
Teams: Washington Bullets and Philadelphia 76ers, respectively
Positions: Gangly centers
Value of card: A penny, stretched by one of those tourist machines so that it's really long
Key 1994-95 stat: 15 feet, 1 inch, combined
Let's all go to the movies: Usually, we noncreative types here at the Bust would throw together a quick Matchup pointing out that there's an inappropriately placed ball near Muresan's groin, or that these two guys are tall, ugly and pasty. (Lord, are they pasty.) Instead, we're going to spice it up a bit today and match up these two characters' primary feature films, "My Giant" (Muresan) and "Space Jam" (Bradley).

Round 1: Least believable plot point (Winner: "My Giant," in which Billy Crystal believes somebody would pay to see Muersan on screen)
Round 2: Most believable plot point (Winner: "Space Jam," in which an alien "steals" Shawn Bradley's basketball talent and proceeds to score zero points in a game)
Round 3: Worth re-watching (Winner: Neither, a tie)
Round 4: Box office success (Winner: "Space Jam," but only by $82 million)
Round 5: Most regret felt by a main star (Winner: "Space Jam," Bugs Bunny)
Round 6: Pastier 7-footer (Winner: "Space Jam"      turns out we couldn't resist, after all)

Final score: "Space Jam" 4, "My Giant" 1 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Sure, Michael Jordan doesn't need another title, but Shawn Bradley finally gets one for being in the least horrible movie with a 7-foot-6 center in it. Wear it proud, Shawn. And don't worry, Gheorghe      you're still the ugliest dude on this card.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Gheorghe Muresan and Shawn Bradley, 1994-95 NBA Hoops (Heinous Hoops Week No. 2)

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Name: Larry Csonka
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Running back
Value of card: A case of malaria
Key 1972 stat: Apparently got very little blocking
Ten surprising facts about this turd of a collectible:
10) Not everyone who looked at this card was instantly blinded. It took months, even years, for some people to lose their vision because of it.
9) Larry Csonka's name is actually on the card      it's just hard to read because it's in yellow type on a light background, a hallmark of quality design.
8) The Steelers were just as surprised as you are that this game was played in a Miami city park just yards from a beach.
7) Despite all the reasons not to, Topps went ahead and used that four-line font on this cardboard gem.
6) It says "Pro Action," but it's really just a full-contact 2-on-2 pickup game with Csonka and Marv Fleming against Pittsburgh's Andy Russell and Mike Wagner.
5) Nonetheless, Csonka trucked in bleachers that went two rows deep. That's his wife in the back.
4) After this exhibition game ended, the crowd was treated to three rounds of bare-chested, bareknuckle boxing between Don Shula and Chuck Noll.
3) 11-year-old Danny Marino took the stunning photo on this keepsake.
2) The game was interrupted when Csonka started chasing after a passing ice cream truck, demanding a Drumstick.
1) Nobody won this game. But anyone who paid for this card definitely lost.

Larry Csonka, 1972 Topps Pro Action (Football Friday No. 172)

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Name: Bob Hamelin (we think)
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A piece of paper with your name on it
Key 2013 stat: One dubious distinction
W.O.A.T.? Recently, Slate executive editor Josh Levin declared the above piece of cardboard the worst baseball card of all time. The argument is clear: Here we have DH-platoon specialist Bob Hamelin's sad, pudgy face peering out through his glare-covered glasses, and his sad, pudgy mullet peering out from under his autographed baseball cap. Most egregiously, though, Hamelin is holding against his chin a sign with his name printed on it      meanwhile, the card's breathtaking design has some sort of nameplate pyramid covering up part of said sign. The card is atrocious, the photography horrible, and the mullet greasy. But the worst of all time? Sorry, Slate, but we've seen worse. Here are some (though not all) of them:

• This generic Frank Thomas card that may have been made with construction paper and line tape.
• This Keith Comstock minor-league card that's just plain nuts.
• The 1990 Topps Calvin Schiraldi crapfest that looks like it was shot with an old, broken flip phone.
• Anything from those terrible Comic Ball sets (but especially this one).
• This blindingly pink Griffey card.
• Bo Jackson posing like Punky Brewster while wearing an ace of spades jacket (both sides).
• And this one of Beaver Dick Pole. No, wait, that's the greatest card of all time. Our mistake.

Bob Hamelin, 1996 Pinnacle

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Name: Domingo Jean
Team: New York Yankees
Positions: Pitcher, movie villain
Value of card: Not nearly as high as this guy's hair
Key career stat: Won one more MLB game than we did
Try this at home: Here's how to make your very own Domingo Jean (not that you'd want to):

5 parts May Day from "A View to a Kill"
2 parts Donatella Versace (namely, her upper lip and lower lip)
1 part film from a VHS cassette of "Coneheads"
1 part rum
1 JCPenney catalog, shredded

Mix the first three ingredients roughly on a Sunday in the Dominican Republic. Sprinkle with the shredded catalog pages, then send the concoction to New York. Drink the rum and try to pretend that you never saw the finished product. Realize that some things, once seen, cannot be unseen. Then, shudder uncontrollably, and you're all done!

Domingo Jean, 1992 Bowman

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Name: Haj Turay
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One bizarre mini-bulge
Key 2002 stat: Hit, Haj Turay? No! Eh? No!
Clearing up some rumors about Haj Turay:

• Haj Turay was not, in fact, a gremlin. He just smiled like one.
• Despite how he's holding the bat in the above photo, Haj Turay did, in fact, get paid to play baseball.
• Despite what it says, this was not Haj Turay's first-year card, because Haj Turay never had a first year in the majors.
• Haj Turay did not, in fact, have a helmet with the Mets logo. Rather, he had just spray-painted the above helmet blue and orange and snuck into Shea Stadium.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, smell like old cabbage.
• Haj Turay did, in fact, have the skinniest little chicken legs in the Tri-State Area.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Haj Turay, 2003 Topps Total

Dennis Rodman, 1994-95 Topps Rebound Hound (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 7)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Position: Forward
Value of card: One used flea collar
Key 1994-95 stat: Never took off that mask, not even to shower or sleep
Fun facts about "rebound hound" Dennis Rodman and actual hounds:

• Hounds come in many shapes, sizes and colors. So did Dennis Rodman's hair.
• Some hounds are known for their loud, braying barks. Rodman is known for his loud, braying outfits.
• Some hounds are called sighthounds, and track prey using their speed to keep it in sight. Judging by the sight of some of the photos of Rodman, he may have been using speed and lord knows what else.
• Some hounds are called scenthounds, and track prey using their sense of smell. It's a fair bet that Rodman would be easy to find by his scent.
• Hounds and other dogs are sometimes sent to nursing homes to spend time with people who are shut-ins or have dementia. Rodman recently visited North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, who falls into both of those categories.
• Hounds sometimes work as a team to wear out game. Rodman starred in "Double Team" with Jean-Claude Van Damme, wearing out audiences.

Card courtesy of Fat Shawn Kemp

Dennis Rodman, 1994-95 Topps Rebound Hound (Ball-Busting Basketball Week No. 7)

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)

Name: John Unitas
Team: Baltimore Colts
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: Two rusted horseshoes
Key 1970 stat: 10,145 stories told about his greatness 40 years later by old men
One of Unitas' roles was quarterback; here are some other roles he played:

• Hall of Famer
• Leader
• Hero
• Drill sergeant
• Wood shop teacher
• A guy everyone called Johnny
• Drawer of tiny blue football players with skinny legs
• Flat tops-only barber
• Creepy guy staring at you

John Unitas 1971 Topps (Football Friday No. 149)

Stubby Clapp, 2002 Topps Heritage

Name: Stubby Clapp (sure it is)
Team: St. Louis Cardinals
Position: Second base
Value of card: Four stubs
Key 2001 stat: Three shots of penicillin
Clapp if you want a pop quiz: What do the ladies like best about the man on this card?

A) His crooked nose
B) His child-size mouth
C) His sexy, STD-ridden name
D) His inch-too-low eyebrows
E) Absolutely none of the above, or much else, for that matter

Stubby Clapp, 2002 Topps Heritage

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

 

Names: John Denny, Vern Ruhle

Teams: Philadelphia Phillies, Houston Astros

Positions: Pitcher, one and all

Value of cards: What's 2 x 0?

Key 1982 stats: Zero smiles

Happy New Year: Here at the Bust, we don't often highlight two cards in one post, but when those two cards each feature the classic Topps pose known as "The Pit Stain," we figure they must be ripe for a Matchup.

Round 1: Chins (Winner: Denny      2-0, a shutout!)

Round 2: Sleeve length (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 3: Number of letters in name (Winner: Tie)

Round 4: Number of first names in name (Winner: Denny)

Round 5: Crater face (Winner: Ruhle)

Round 6: Photo taken at the gates of heaven (Winner: Denny, apparently)

Round 7: Wispy facial hair (Winner: Denny)

Round 8: Ability to close mouth completely (Winner: Denny)

Round 9: Ability to look cool while doing this pose (Winner: Tie      nobody has ever managed this)

Final score: Denny 5, Ruhle 2 (Ties: 2)

Synopsis: Denny hits a grand slam (breakfast) and greases the opposition, thanks to his defined jaw line and much-less-defined mustache.

Cards suggested by Tyler Kepner

John Denny and Vern Ruhle, 1983 Topps

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Name: Andy McGaffigan
Team: Montreal Expos
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Being an Expos fan watching the Nationals win the NL East
Key 1987 stat: Zero splinters from the fake wood paneling behind him
Andy McGaffigan      the good, the bad and the ugly:

Good: Spiffy 3.38 career ERA; a mustache that Sam Elliott would be proud of
Bad: Bouncing around between six teams in 11 years; not having teeth
Ugly: Well, just look at the poor bastard

Andy McGaffigan, 1988 Topps

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

Name: Jesse Tuggle, aka "Tarantula"
Team: Atlanta Fal-guns
Positions: Linebacker, giant spider
Fright value of card: Bug guts
Key 1994 splat: Eight legs, zero hands
It's another spook-tacular Halloween Week! Up until now, the Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron cards we've featured have ranged from nonsensical to emasculating. Some of them could even be called obscene. But never have they been scary. At first, we thought this was another bit of silliness to be mocked without fear. Then we looked at Jesse Tuggle's face. Whether that's a mask or makeup, it's enough to give us the willies. Of course, then we think about the word "Tuggle" and snicker to ourselves a little.

Jesse Tuggle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2012 No. 1)

David Hulse, 1995 Fleer Update

Name: David Hulse
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: It's probably written on this atrocity of a card somewhere
Key 1994 stat: 1,994 brews drank
Nice work, Fleer: For its 1995 Update subset, the design geniuses at Fleer decided to take a lot of information usually saved for the back of the card and move it      prominently      to the front of the card. In giant, colored lettering. All over the place. Ahem. Because this wasn't distracting enough, they went ahead and added approximately seven photos of the same player to each card, many of which appeared quite frightening. (Check out Hulse's face in the giant "S". Yeah, you'll be seeing that in your nightmares.) So what did all this garbage leave for the back of the card? Well, stats, of course, copyright information      and a giant photo of David Hulse's retainer. We'll say it again: Nice work, Fleer.

David Hulse, 1995 Fleer Update

Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Name: Jimmy Sexton
Team: Tucson Toros
Position: Infield
Value of card: Knowing that you will never wear something this hideous
Key 1980 stat: Wore something this hideous
The 1980 Tucson Toros uniforms, from A to Z:

Astros, the Toros' parent team at the time, deserved to lose 106 games for this atrocity
Blinded opponents hit just .227 against Tucson that year
Couldn't squeeze more warm colors on here if they tried
Diagonal stripes      always a good idea
Elastic waistbands made for an easy fit
Fifty-two fashion designers had embolisms after seeing this card
Gaudy doesn't even begin to cover it
Hundred-degree days must have been pleasant under all that polyester
Is that top made out of felt?
Just enough taupe to make you Google "taupe"
Kodak moment: Thank heaven we have photographic evidence of this uniform
Logo appears to be a bastardized Texas Tech ripoff
More than enough burnt orange to draw an arson investigation
No baseball player enjoys dressing like a woman. Well, at least not on the field.
Off-topic: Either he's being casual, or Jimmy Sexton's fingers are five times longer than the average human's
Players actually begged to be demoted to double-A
Quitting baseball was a viable option after these eye-sores were unveiled
Really bold use of mustard yellow on those "jerseys"
Sexton's face says it all
Tucson lost its baseball team for a few years, and this is probably why
Understandably, fans only watched the Toros' games on black-and-white TVs.
Vertical stripes on pants? At this point, is anyone going to notice?
Wizard's sleeves: not just a euphemism for a worn-out female reproductive whose-e-whatsis
X-rated? Maybe not, but I still wouldn't show this picture to kids
You know, if you have to wear this, you might as well wear the pants up to your rib cage
Zero chance Jimmy was going to get any Sexton in this get-up

Jimmy Sexton, 1980 TCMA

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist

Name: Willie McGee
Team: San Francisco Giants
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Two boxes of broken crayons
Key 1991 stat: 12 hypothermia deaths at Candlestick Park
Fun facts about Willie McGee and the San Francisco Giants' former home Candlestick Park:

• Candlestick Park was once known as Monster Park. Willie McGee looked like a monster in this illustration.
• Candlestick Park is known for its strong winds. Willie McGee often broke strong wind.
• Candlestick Park was the site of The Beatles' last commercial concert. Willie McGee was the site of a beetle infestation.
• Candlestick Park was hosting a World Series game when the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake struck. Willie McGee was hosting a meeting between he and the other Earth-bound aliens when they used their advanced technology to cause the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake.
• Candlestick Park was an eyesore despised by most Giants fans. Willie McGee ... well, you get it.

Willie McGee, 1992 Upper Deck Team Checklist