Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Eric Karros
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two $1 bills the same color scheme as this card
Key 1992 stat: One guest appearance on the "General Hospital" spinoff "Port Charles"
Transcript from late-night TV commercial for The Shake Weight®, circa 1993: "Hey there, sports fans. Eric Karros here, Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year and all-around handsome dude. I spend my time playing with balls on the diamond, but I still need to work long and hard to stay fit. How do I do it? It's simple: The Shake Weight®. (Close-up of Karros slowly moving the weight up and down.) At my job, I need strong wrists. And to get strong wrists I grab The Shake Weight® by the shaft and jerk it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and ... whew, whoa, what was I saying? Any way, get yourself The Shake Weight® — it's a stroke of genius."

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Hal Morris
Team: Cincinnati Reds
Position: First baseman
Value of card: The little rubber "W" in in racket strings
Key 1991 stat: Never actually played tennis
Things are about to get punderful: Sure, everyone knows Hal Morris was aces at the plate, but for a long time, there was one area where he wasn't king of the court: love. He cast his net at women of all ages      40, 30, even 15 once, though her father told Hal to bounce      but he was consistently left playing with his own fuzzy balls. He aimed to serve the ladies however he could, but they would just end up taking a swing at him. His failures left him high-strung, always set on finding fault. Angry, he slammed his fist into the wall, creating quite a racket. But just when he was about to retire and play singles for the rest of his life, along came a Czechoslovakian stunner named Martina whose game was the perfect match for his own.

Hal Morris, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 burnt pepperonis
Key 1993 stat: 14 trips to JCPenney for handsome shirts
A year after winning the Rookie of the Year award in 1993, Mike Piazza tells a rookie how to achieve success: "Listen, kid. You have to trust me. I've been there; done that. I've been to the top of the mountain; I've done the things you dream about. You want to win? You have to do as I say. You want to play well? Do what I do. You want to be a star, surrounded by camera flashes and B-list actresses and getting free cuts at The Hollywood Mullet Factory? Sorry, there's only enough room for one Piazza in L.A. But you still can be great. Here's what to do: (1) grow out your hair and drown it in gel; (2) pick out the sweetest shirts you can find at JCPenney; (3) listen to Lasorda; (4) watch '90210' for sideburns tips; and, finally, (5) stick to a strict regimen of 5-pound weightlifting twice a week."

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 20 cents off your next Glamour Shots session
Key 1991 stat: Wore no shirts more often than two shirts
Here's what Jose Canseco stands for:

Jock strap stuffed with tissue to impress the ladies
Once modeled for Jordache
Shoot, if only I could think of something that starts with "S"
Everybody should be on Twitter just to read this guy's insane thoughts

Crap kicked out of him during MMA bout
Are those long sleeves made of fabric or chain-mail?
Never exactly known for his modesty
Still nothing for "S"; oh, wait, I know! Scumbag!
Example of how not to cut your hair? See above.
Criminal history is almost as long as his book
Oakland is almost as glamorous as Jose's wardrobe

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Eric Karros, left, and Dave Hansen
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pinch hitter extraordinaire
Value of card: Three squirts of gel, rubbed in your chest hair
Key 1992 stat: One debutante ball attended (together)
It's time for a well-dressed edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Timeless style (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Anything-but-timeless hairstyles (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Superman curl (Winner: Karros)
Round 4: Resume as a pro (Winner: Karros)
Round 5: Resume as "ultra" (Winner: Hansen)
Round 6: Ability to hit in a pinch (Winner: Hansen)
Round 7: Ability to read lines as a Hollywood bit actor in a pinch (Winner: Karros)

Score: Karros 3, Hansen 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In a contest as tight as their cummerbunds, Karros and Hansen did battle on the field of The Matchup, and though Hansen was brave to wear a rented penguin suit, Karros took home the victory because of his minor-league turns on such forgettable shows as "Chicago Hope," "Arli$$" and "Port Charles."

Eric Karros and Dave Hansen, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Jose Canseco
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Cat hair
Key 1991 stat: Dressed to the nines (minus eight)
Excerpt from early-'90s "MTV Cribs" forerunner "MTV Pads": "Hi, I'm Jose Canseco, and welcome to 'MTV Pads.' We're going to start today in my driveway so I can show off my sweetest new acquisition, this white Corvette convertible. I have to be at the ballpark almost every day, and I've found it's best to arrive in style. That's why, after I get there, I like to sit on the corner of the car door frame in my acid-wash Hammer pants and ripped-midriff sweatshirt      complete with a picture of a dude almost as buff as me on it      and think about how awesome my hair looks. Here, allow me to demonstrate. (Sits in pose seen above) Did I mention this ride has state-of-the-art fuel injection? Oh, speaking of injections, let's go check out my home gym. Er, not that any injections go on there. Ha-ha, that's weird, why did I say that? Um, maybe we should go to commercial."

Jose Canseco, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Scott Erickson
Teams: Minnesota Twins, Lake Tahoe Bunny Slope Ski Team
Positions: Pitcher, lying prone after a crash
Value of card: 3 ounces of snowflakes, melted, spilled on floor
Key 1991 stat: 2 for 2 victories in ugly Christmas sweater party contests
Fun facts about skiing and Scott Erickson's life:

• In skiing, you go downhill, hopefully fast. In Erickson's life, his career went downhill, predictably fast.
• In skiing, you carve fresh powder. In Erickson's life, he carved his fresh haircut out of solid oak.
• In skiing, you carry the tools of your trade over your shoulder. In Erickson's life, he looked like a tool carrying his skis over his shoulder.
• In skiing, moguls are the large bumps traversed with speed. In Erickson's life, the Rembrandt moguls must have been high on large bumps of speed to approve this card.
• In skiing, you can wind up covered in the whitest of snow. In Erickson's life, he wound up being covered in the whitest of sweaters.

Scott Erickson, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: If this were golf, it'd be a great score
Key 1993 stat: Never held a golf club before
A bad day on the greens: As noted on this blue-covered card, Mike Piazza was the 1993 National League Rookie of the Year. His manager, the often foul-mouthed and always full-mouthed Tommy Lasorda, didn't care spit about any of those words except "rookie," however. Lasorda made the young backstop caddy for him whenever he went golfing, but carrying Tommy's bag wasn't like carrying a normal golf bag. In the pockets where most duffers would keep extra balls, tees, an umbrella and a few beers, Lasorda instead kept loose items of food. Piazza would have to dislodge golf balls from smashed cannolis and extract tees from weeks-old meatballs. The bottom of the bag was filled with 6 inches of marinara sauce, meaning that after Piazza had dirtied Lasorda's lone towel with tomato-y foulness from the club handles, he would have to use his own shirt. The end of the season couldn't come soon enough for the catcher, who quickly hoisted his duties on some young Korean kid.

Mike Piazza, 1994 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Names: Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla
Teams: New York Yankess, New York Mets
Positions: Vegas headliners (offseason only)
Value of card: Two cumberbunds
Key 1991 stat: Two shows a night, except holidays
Dinner and a show: Las Vegas was abuzz in the fall of 1991 when baseball sluggers Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla announced they would spend their offseason putting on a Rat Pack-style show at the recently opened Mirage hotel and casino. But the excitement wore off quickly on opening night, when a drunken Tartabull staggered onto the stage and asked, "What are all you people doing in my room?" Many thought he was stealing Dean Martin's old opening line — until he vomited into the orchestra pit. Tartabull then staggered offstage and Bonilla, wearing a bow tie that looked like it had been stolen off a clown's corpse, took over and told dead baby jokes for the next 20 minutes. Most of the crowd left, demanding a refund; the rest began heckling Bonilla mercilessly. At this point, Tartabull re-emerged, an Old-Fashioned in his hand, and started berating the audience, asking how many of them had ever homered twice, banged a Scores girl and downed a fifth of Tanqueray in one night. Bonilla raised his hand, the pair high-fived and then broke into the finale, a slurred, off-key duet of "New York, New York." The show was cancelled the next morning, but the undeterred duo opted to keep performing, moving the act to a bum-ridden alley near the Pioneer in downtown Vegas.

Card contributed by Clay Deas

Danny Tartabull and Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Bobby Cosby Bonilla
Team: New York Mets
Positions: Outfield, team doctor
Value of card: One Cosbylike sweater-shirt
Key 1992 stat: 197 Jello Pudding Pops eaten (spring training only)
The doctor is out: Bobby Bonilla showed up to spring training in 1992 a changed man. It was his first season with New York, and he was coming off a career high in batting average, slugging percentage and 1980s sweaters. The Mets knew they were paying for a heavy hitter; they did not know they were paying for a Bill Cosby impersonator. Bobby Bo, as he's known, greeted all his new teammates at spring training with, "Hey, hey, hey! Flippity-flop, the Jello puddin' pop! I'm Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable." Of course, nobody took him seriously — except the gullible John Franco. Bonilla, or "Cliff," persuaded Franco and his wife to let him deliver their second child, due two months later. Their teammates were incredulous, but the plan probably would have gone ahead as scheduled if not for one thing. Franco and his wife, Rose, had decided to name their unborn son J.J., but Bonilla insisted they name him Theo. The two ballplayers got in a series of fights over the moniker, and the Francos decided to go back to their original doctor. A crushed Bonilla missed three days of practice. Teammate Howard Johnson went to visit Bobby Bo at his apartment, only to find him sitting shirtless, weeping and surrounded by hundreds of empty plastic pudding cups.
Note: Bonilla does actually have legs. He's just wearing invisible pants in this photo.

Bobby Bonilla, 1992 Rembrandt Ultra Pro