Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 pesos
Key 1988 stat: 2,197 instances of "Fernandomania" (in his own home)
"Fernandomania" spiced up L.A. in the mid-1980s; here are examples of "Fernandomania" in the late 1980s:

• A chicken-legged pitcher performed a one-man line dance on a baseball field.
• The one pair of blue cleats in Los Angeles sold out.
• Nearly eight people in the United States and Mexico started wearing headbands and old-man glasses.
• The Latino Elvis Impersonators gained a member — and two fans. 
• A man in a blue jacket and tight white pants was arrested for leering at women at Dodger Stadium.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Upper Deck

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Ace
Value of card: It's worth its equivalent in off-center 1989 Topps cards
Key 1988 stat: 264 women with a case of "Fernandomania"
10 symptoms of "Fernandomania," as diagnosed by Bust doctors:
10) Inability to grow legitimate mustache
9) Tiny pink circles on forearm sleeves that are not — to repeat, not — the result of the lowest possible production standards
8) Arms bent at unimaginable angles
7) Mullet growth at 10 times the normal rate
6) Eyebrows that attach to each other and the hairline
5) Distorted perception of reality, like thinking the Dodgers had a shot to win the N.L. West in 1989
4) Restless chin syndrome
3) Sweating, a whole lot of sweating
2) Elephantitis of the bulge
1) Who cares? Pinata party!

Fernando Valenzuela, 1989 Topps

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Name: Fernando Valenzuela
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 50 cents off three rolled tacos with cheese at Filiberto's
Key 1989 stat: 500 orders of Filiberto's three rolled tacos with cheese eaten
Clearing up some rumors about Fernando "El Toro" Valenzuela:

• Valenzuela did not struggle with his weight. He purposefully put on pounds to look like his hero, Tommy Lasorda.
• That is not Valenzuela's bulge your seeing there. It's just the rest of his tummy.
• "Fernandomania" never stopped. It just signed with a Mexican league team.
• "Los Tres Fernandos" is not a top-shelf tequila. It's a bottom-shelf baseball card.
• Valenzuela did not eat his weight in Godfather's Pizza. The restaurant couldn't make that much pizza in one day.
• "The Fernando Valenzuela Story" is not in production. But, yes, if it were, it would star "SNL" funnyman Horatio Sanz.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1990 Fleer

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Fernando Valenzuela

Team: Baltimore Orioles

Position: Ace

Value of card: Three weeks' worth of SlimFast

Key 1992 stat: One pair of red-lens sunglasses

10 of Fernando Valenzuela's alter-egos:

10) JohnBoy Ferguson, expert bird hunter

9) Lead singer, U2

8) Ferdinand Valentino, lothario

7) Louie Little Arms, sideshow freak

6) Francois Valensuis, French backup dancer

5) Esmeralda Fernandez, SlimFast success story

4) Three Fernandos, breaker of laws of physics

3) Freddie Fontane, Sunglass Hut model

2) Fern, plant

1) Ponch

Fernando Valenzuela, 1993 Topps Stadium Club

Fernando Valenzuela, 1991 Upper Deck

Name: Fernando Valenzuela

Team: Los Angeles Dodgers

Position: Ace

Value of card: 3 pesos

Key 1990 stat: 248 pounds + 248 pounds + 248 pounds moving toward the plate

10 reasons this card is awesome:

10) It's a Fernando fiesta.

9) Math teacher glasses look radical on professional athletes.

8) That's 744 pounds of mighty Mexican on the mound.

7) Three times the bulge for the ladies.

6) It's always great to see a muscular, well-conditioned athlete plying his trade.

5) The only thing better than two Fernandos? That's right. Three Fernandos!

4) One Fernando is reaching for the dingus of another Fernando.

3) It's awesome because you're on acid.

2) He has butt handles (left Fernando), not love handles.

1) He's moving faster than the speed of salsa.

Fernando Valenzuela, 1991 Upper Deck