"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Name: "Ravishing" Rick Rude
From: Robbinsdale, Minn.
Signature move: Rude Awakening
Value of card: 2 sticks of lipstick
Key 1989 stat: 1,118 women seduced
Top 10 reasons that women thought Rick Rude was so "ravishing":
10) More butt crack shots on cable TV than anyone on any show in the 1980s.
9) His 10-pack stomach.
8) The prematch strip tease couldn't have hurt.
7) The ladies were just using him to get to Bobby Heenan.
6) He patented the "bedroom suplex."
5) Chicks dig rude dudes.
4) Veins bulging larger than most men's muscles.
3) A 'stache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.
2) A mullet mane that would make a lion jealous.
1) Airbrushed paintings of himself on his package.

"Ravishing" Rick Rude, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 4)

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Name: Howard Twilley
Team: Miami Dolphins
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An empty, unwashed can of tuna
Key 1973 stat: Two catches (not including the one on this card)
Howard Twilley's train of thought from 9:43 to 9:44 a.m., Aug. 4, 1973: "By the saints, what is this thing!? It looks like some sort of leathery dinosaur egg. Why did Griese throw it to me? I don't want to even look at this blasted object, let alone touch it. Oh heavens, it's causing all the veins in my right arm to swell to a grotesque size! Help me, Mother Mary, help me!"

Howard Twilley, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 205)

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Steve Avery
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: A good amount of cringing
Key career stat: Remembered as "the other guy" from those early-'90s Braves staffs
Let's check off what's going on with this team checklist:

• Just throwing that whole racial aspect right out there for everyone to see: Check
• One arm apparently growing out of Steve Avery's back: Check
• Enough straining of muscles and veins to scar a child for life: Check

Yep, three for three. Excellent work, Upper Deck!

Card submitted by Walt Lindberg

Steve Avery, 1993 Upper Deck

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's hair-raisingly low
Key 1972 stat: One severe stomachache during a photo shoot
Here's what Dave Smith stands for:

Determined look on face actually caused by constipation
Attempted the Soaring Mushroom® by sticking his finger in an electric socket
Veiny forearms are a bit unnerving
Electing to use red and green for the type on this card was a solid choice

Sleeves are elegantly rolled in at the cuff
Masculine jawline had the ladies and Terry Bradshaw swooning
Inside that 'fro resides a family of groundhogs
Team leader in 1971 in touchdown receptions and clogged drains
Hairstyle was an inspiration for years to come

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Name: Kent Tekulve
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Milk spewed out of a nose during a laughing fit
Key 1987 stat: Twelve epileptic fits
Har, har, har: What is Kent Tekulve snickering about?

A) Everyone who's ever tried to pronounce his surname
B) The knock-knock joke he wrote on the inside of his glove
C) The Phillie Phanatic. That fellow is quite jocular!
D) The fact that he had two teammates named Gross
E) Speaking of gross, the fact that he's about to pull his own finger

Kent Tekulve, 1988 Fleer

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Name: Jack McDowell
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Ace
Value of card: A wine stain on your carpet
Key 1993 stat: Hat two sizes too big for his head, apparently
Our interpretation of another masterpiece by the folks at Fleer: OK, so the weird miniature lightning striking the baseball obviously is representative of McDowell's electric stuff. And the smoke coming off the ball likely is indicative of what the artist was on while drawing this creation. We'll assume that the fireworks in the background are in honor of McDowell's 1993 A.L. Cy Young award. Shoot, we'll even venture that the strange twist in the front of his jersey represents his inner animal (presumably a ferret or weasel) trying to come out. But what the heck are those dramatic veins in his glove hand? Good lord, that's frightening.

Jack McDowell, 1994 Fleer Pro-Vision

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Name: Eugene Robinson
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Positions: Safety, Oakley Blades spokesman, saxophone player, foot model, tease
Value of card: As many cents as stripes on his pants
Key 1990 stat: 22 times mistaken for this man
10 reasons this is the greatest football card of all time. Of all time:
10) His fingernails are longer than a dope fiend's.
9) Shoes? Shoes? Not when your feet are this pretty.
8) He somehow makes wristbands look explicitly feminine.
7) He's wearing more ridiculous Zubaz than even the Nigerian Nightmare.
6) Oakley Blades weren't enough. He needed bright yellow Oakley Blades.
5) His shadow almost looks embarrassed about this outfit.
4) He's standing like a ballerina.
3) He flexed his ab muscles and his shirt exploded.
2) The instrument hanging around his neck.
1) The instrument winding its way down his left leg.

Eugene Robinson, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Pro Line Week No. 2)

Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Name: Howie Long
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive end
Value of card: 268 lbs. of hunk
Key 1990 stat: Two gigantic veins
The essence of a man: Look at Howie Long. Women want him, men want to be him, and artists want to draw him. The bulging, rippling arm muscles. The cropped, well-manicured blond hair. The jaunty neck pads. The steely gaze that reminds us of Slider from "Top Gun." The incredibly defined arm veins. The bullet marks in the wall behind him. The slightly torn jersey that only hints at the oiled chest below. The suggestively untucked belt that hints at, well, you know. It's likely no coincidence the artist stopped just above the crotch. He probably couldn't bring himself to draw that bulge. Some things are simply not for children's eyes.

Howie Long, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions (Football Friday No. 72)

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Names: Bobby Bonilla, Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses

Team: New York Mets

Positions: Outfield, sunglasses

Value of card: One paint stain on your carpet

Key 1992 stats: 128 games played; zero times taken off

Train of thought by V. Wells, Upper Deck checklist artist, from 7:11 to 7:12 p.m., Jan. 4, 1993: "Let's see, Mets, Mets. ... Holy crap look at these sunglasses! So shiny. So manly. So futuristic. I must paint them. They're so graceful! Look at the sleek lines. They're the ultimate in reflection. I bet if I had a pair of these, I'd be more respected as a part-time baseball illustrator! ... Wait, what's this? There's a person in these photos? Damn you, Bobby Bonilla and your veiny arms! I swear by all that is holy on this Earth that I will make those sunglasses mine!"

Update: According to that bastion of information, the Internet, V. Wells, who has done many Upper Deck illustrations, is actually Vernon Wells Sr., father to current Toronto Blue Jays "star" Vernon Wells. Also, he never stole Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses.

Bobby Bonilla's sunglasses, 1993 Upper Deck Illustration

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Name: Derrick Thomas

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Position: Linebacker

Value of card: One shirt off his back

Key 1990 stat: Three pairs of shorts worn at all times

Clearing up some rumors about Derrick Thomas:

• Derrick Thomas isn't staring at you twice. Those are nipples.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing shorts. His thigh muscles exploded his pants.
• Derrick Thomas doesn't always go shirtless. Sometimes he wears American Indian garb.
• Derrick Thomas isn't wearing gloves. Those are veinmakers.
• Derrick Thomas isn't showcasing his bulge. It's showcasing him.

Derrick Thomas, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Football Friday No. 40)

Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Name: Christian Okoye

Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Position: Running back

Value of card: Whatever Mr. Okoye says

Key 1990 stat: 612 Zubaz stripes

Clearing up some rumors about Christian Okoye:

• Okoye was not going bald. His hair had retreated in fright from his piercing stare.
• Okoye did not roll up his sleeves. His muscles did it for him.
• Okoye did not dress like a horror film character and have his way with opposing teams' players. At least not when he was sober.
• Okoye did not wear Zubaz pants. He captured and skinned a red, white and yellow zebra.
• Okoye did not endorse this card or this blog post. He dares you to laugh.

Christian Okoye, 1991 Pro Line (Football Friday No. 37)

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro

Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes

Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:

• Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
• Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
• Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
• Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
• Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Dustin Hermanson, 2000 Fleer Ultra

Name: Dustin Hermanson

Team: Montreal Expos

Position: Pitcher

Value of card: Eight suckers

Key 1999 stat: 24,619 sugar highs

How sweet it is: Dustin Hermanson was an addict. Not to narcotics or steroids, and he wasn't an alcoholic. No, Dustin Hermanson was addicted to sugar. Before taking the mound early in his career as a starter, he would choke down seven Almond Joys, four Tootsie Pops, a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and as many Pixie Stix as he could fit in his mouth. Hermanson would flirt with triple digits on the radar gun, but by the end of the fourth inning, a sugar crash would start to set in. Batters would begin reaching base, and before long, Hermanson would lay down on the infield grass with a gut ache, holding his stomach and occasionally dozing off. Eventually, Hermanson was named his team's closer, as well as Delta Dental's customer of the month.

Greaseball alert: The neatly trimmed hair on and around his face. The unnecessarily heavy jewelry. The veiny arms. If this card had a title, it would be "Jersey Shore Goes Trick-or-Treating."

Dustin Hermanson, 2000 Fleer Ultra

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Dave Justice

Teams: Atlanta Braves, Department of Justice

Positions: Outfield, detective

Value of card: Three scalps

Key 1991 stat: Zero headdresses, thank god

A different kind of crime fighter: Justice, Dave Justice. He's a cool, calculating lawman with a penchant for blood and blondes. Evil, you say? Justice is ready with his quick wit and quicker tomahawk. He strikes fear into the hearts of criminals and Native American rights groups. Justice lays down the law, and if you disagree, why don't you step back and read his last name again. Justice. That's right, Justice. He may not take his stereotypes to offensive levels, but he will use a tomahawk to chop down rapists, killers and anyone who plays for the Mets. Justice: Just don't forget.

Dave Justice, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Names: Lenny Dykstra, aka Dr. Dirt; Dale Murphy, aka Mr. Clean

Team: Philadelphia Phillies

Positions: Outfielders

Value of card: 10 percent off your next dry-cleaning bill

Key 1990 stat: One picture taken at a JC Penney photo studio

Look out, it's The Matchup:

Round 1: Alliteration in fake name (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 2: Presentability (Winner: Murphy)

Round 3: Bulge (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 4: Made-up doctorate degrees (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 5: Awkwardness (Winner: Tie)

Round 6: Mock turtlenecks (Winner: Dykstra)

Round 7: Veiny wrists (Winner: Murphy)

Score: Dykstra 4, Murphy 2 (Ties, 1)

Synopsis: Despite having a very, very noticeable edge in height and veins, Murphy (and the rest of us) can't overcome Dykstra's absurd, dirt-covered bulge.

Lenny Dykstra, Dale Murphy, 1991 Donruss

Ron Gant, 1994 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Ron Gant
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One metric ton of creatine
Key 1993 stat: Second place at All-Star Game's shirtless home run derby
No shirt, no shoes, no problem: Ron Gant was a badass. Look at him. The only thing more impressive than those biceps is that mustache. In 1993, Gant was in his physical prime. When not modeling terry cloth armbands, he was ripping the covers off baseballs and stealing bases like a madman. More chiseled than the statue of David, Gant decided to stop wearing his uniform shirt, instead taping his number to his back like a marathon runner. Gant began drawing an unusually high number of walks, as opposing pitchers were distracted by the lights glistening off the baby oil slathered on his chest. Acting commissioner Bud Selig eventually forced Gant to cover himself from the waist up. Gant responded by cutting the sleeves off all his uniform tops, telling the media, "These pythons can't be caged."
Wait a minute: Why is Ron Gant's right arm so veiny? Look at that thing. He looks like a bodybuilding burn victim. Sheesh.

Ron Gant, 1994 Topps Stadium Club