John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Name: John Randle, aka "Runaway Train"
Team: Minnesota Spikings
Positions: Defensive line, locomotive
Value of card: A lump of coal in the caboose
Key 1994 splat: Went around making "choo-choo" noises even when not wearing the costume
The first two verses of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train," tailored in honor of this absurd card and the great John Randle:

Call me up in the middle of the night / Want me to wear a helmet with a light
I got there with my anger burning / There's some fools who could use a little learning

So much makeup that I couldn't even see / What the hell are they putting on me?
Iron pads with rivets in the seams / A metal boot that's shooting out some steam

It seems no one can help me now / Can't turn my head / There's no way out
I really want to punch someone in the face

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this makeup artist's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

Now this guy is telling me to smile / He's telling me I should relax for a while
He can't hear me through this facemask / I'm telling him I'm gonna kick his ass

Oh no! Tin gloves that are yellow! / I know my temper's gonna blow
Here I come just to dole out some pain / How dare you laugh at this Runaway Train

Metal shavings in my eye / I hate this day / I want to die
Gears glued on my head? I just can't believe it

Runaway Train, gonna make a sack / Gonna break this photographer's back
Seems like I should be better than this / Instead my hat is spewing out some mist

John Randle, 1994 Coca-Cola Monsters of the Gridiron (Halloween Week 2013 No. 4)

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Name: Buster Rhymes
Team: Minnesota Vikings
Positions: Wide receiver, kick returner
Value of card: Rhymes with "lack spit"
Key 1986 stat: Can't spell "Buster" without "Bust"
Top R&B hits by part-time pro athlete Buster Rhymes:

• "Woo Hah!! Got Me on the Bench"
• "Pass the Gatorade (Part II)"
• "Turn it Over / Fire it Up"
• "(The Ball, I Never) Touch It"
• "What's it Gonna Be?! (An Incompletion)"

Buster Rhymes, 1986 Topps (Football Friday No. 144)

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)

Name: Randall McDaniel

Team: Minnesota Vikings
Position: Left guard
Value of card: A growth spurt
Key 1993 stat: One size fits all

It's halftime for NFL Kickoff Week. Here's a pop quiz:

What is Randall McDaniel's hat size?

A) XL (That's Roman numerals for 40, not extra large)
B) 2. As in, it would take 2 hats to cover that massive noggin.
C) Five gallons
D) Whatever Mr. McDaniel says it is

Randall McDaniel, 1994 Topps Stadium Club Members Only (NFL Kickoff Week No. 4)