Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Name: Charlie Hough
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: A huff and a puff
Key 1996 stat: 52 bottles of Just For Men purchased
Hinting at retirement: What's so scary about this Diamond King? Well, as usual, you've got your faceless tiny man in the corner      you'll definitely be seeing him when you close your eyes tonight. There's also the lesson in how not to apply self-tanning products that is Old Man Hough's face. That thing's streakier than the inside of his adult diaper. But perhaps the biggest can of nightmare fuel is that giant fork that Dick Perez has shoved in Charlie's back. Good lord, man, what did this old-timer do to tick you off? Either that, or you were trying to hint that it was time for Charlie to call it a career      stick a fork in him, he's done.

Charlie Hough, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 5)

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Name: Jerry Rice
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: An old eraser that actually just leaves black marks on the paper
Key 1992 stat: Two unsportsmanlike conduct penalties for wearing a giant metal suit
Here's what this Jerry Rice card stands for:

Just remember, first off, that all of these Fanimation cards were terrible
Eyes should be shut tight like Jerry's whenever this piece of garbage comes into view
Robotic suits and codpieces: A match made in heaven
Red and Gold have never been so embarrassed (aside from drafting Alex Smith)
Yelling "I told you I didn't want to be part of this stupid subset!"

Rather odd how atrophied Jerry is from the knees down
Impossible to catch a football while firing wrist guns during a hailstorm of metal shards
Clouds? Smoke? Poisonous gas? Whatever it is, why is the sky the exact same color?
Entire Upper Deck staff should have been fired for signing off on this trash

Jerry Rice, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 198)

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Name: Steve Young
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Position: Quarterback
Value of card: 7 ounces of fool's gold
Key 1992 stat: 25 passing touchdowns (by three Steve Youngs; that's more than eight each)
No matter the situation, Steve Young only had two responses:

Run ...
When defenders are rushing you.
When someone challenges you to a race.
When the ice-cream truck is down the street.
When someone flashes a golden bulge at you.

Gun ...
When you're hunting deer.
When you're defending your family from masked robbers.
When you bump into Raiders fans in a dark alley.
When someone puts an ampersand hat on your head.

Steve Young, 1993 Skybox (Preposterous Poster Week No. 3)

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Name: Brian Bosworth
Teams: Seattle Seahawks, Cobra Kai
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 12 kicks to the face
Key 1991 stat: 365 days in the year not concentrating on football
Hollywood is a kick: Brian Bosworth was a lot of things, the least of which ended up being a football player. He might have pretended to be a karate expert, but he was a movie "star." His debut film, "Stone Cold," is a cult classic.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed first film: Joe Huff (John Stone) is a tough, go-it-alone cop with a flair for infiltrating biker gangs. The FBI blackmails Huff into working in an undercover investigation to convict some extremely dangerous bikers angry about the capture of their leader.
Here's a synopsis of Bosworth's action-packed above card: Brian Bosworth (yes, John Stone) is a tough, kick-it-alone fake karate champion with a flair for posing for ridiculous tobacco cards. The Upper Deck card company blackmails Bosworth into being a part of an undercover set of cards that showcase some extremely awkward scenes that make collectors angry about the disregard of their standards of taste.

Brian Bosworth, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 7)

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 3 ounces of the dirt that gets captured in the jock strap's cup pouch during a game
Key 1996 stat: 142 pizzas eaten (Eh, oh!)
Don't mess with Piazza: Yeah, you're looking good. You're hauling tail around second, and then past third, and you're headed home. You're staring at that plate, and no one will get in your way. You can taste the go-ahead run you'll score for your team. You hustle, get down and slide toward home. And then — POW! — you get the Piazza special. Right in the dainty grapes. Right in the short-and-softies. Right in the soft-boiled eggs. Right in the tender 'ronis. Right in the oval oysters. Right in the man guts. Yup, for Piazza, the count is always two balls, one strike.

Mike Piazza, 1997 Pinnacle Dufex Museum Collection

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: A used piece of gauze
Key 1990 stat: Tasted his own blood, as well as that of 28 others
Oh, nothing to see here: First off, Jesus H. Christ. Nolan's a real gamer, all right. Of course, we're pretty sure that only some of that is the Ryan Express's own blood. Here's what we believe the reaction would be upon unwrapping this card at various ages:

Ages 5-9: "Mooommmmmyyy!"
Ages 10-17: "Bad frickin' ass!" *Intentionally busts own lip before next Little League/high school game*
Ages 18-26: "Big deal, he's only bleeding from the mouth."
Ages 27 and up: "This makes Schilling's bloody sock look effeminate."

Nolan Ryan, 1991 Pacific Trading Cards

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Name: Junior Seau, aka "The Warrior"
Team: San Diego Chargers
Position: Angry linebacker
Value of card: A pile of robotic body parts
Key 1992 stat: Right leg not amputated at knee, despite what this card shows
Real nice, Upper Deck: So, among the many ridiculous premises of the Upper Deck Fanimation cards was the notion that these stars were battling some sort of evil droids in various sports. Riiight. The thing is, that sure looks like blood and gore      not oil and gears      on Seau's fist. And are those wires spilling out of that severed arm in the lower left, or are they tendons and skin? Great, Upper Deck, you've decided to give the kids nightmares about their favorite athletes literally ripping their opponents limb from limb, soaking in the carnage.
Oh, and another thing: Really, "The Warrior?" You already used that one for Dikembe Mutombo. Look, just because these guys' family histories extend beyond the borders of the U.S., doesn't mean it's OK to just nickname them all "The Warrior." One thing's for sure: No one would ever call whoever drew this atrocity "The Artist." Blech.

Junior Seau, 1992 Upper Deck Fanimation (Football Friday No. 157)

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

Name: Len "Lenny" Randle
Team: New York Mets
Position: Third base
Value of card: $1 off at Dr. Pokey's ColonoscopyMart
Key 1977 stat: One vicious beating
Get a handle on Lenny Randle: What is San Diego Padres first baseman Gene Richards doing to cause Lenny Randle to make that face?

A) Checking for polyps
B) Administering a court-ordered spanking for beating up Frank Lucchesi
C) Just a quick goose
D) Seeing whether the baseball fits
E) Nothing he wasn't asked to do

Len Randle, 1978 Topps

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Name: John Kruk
Team: San Diego Padres
Positions: First base, outfield
Value of card: $17,000 in hospital bills
Key 1988 stat: One photographer beaten up
Here's the story of John Kruk in this photo, by the numbers:

0: Photos Kruk wanted taken of himself that day
4: Broken bones suffered by the photographer after Kruk "expressed" his displeasure
14: Beers Kruk had drank before this encounter
36: Hours since Kruk had last shaved
107: Curse words uttered by Kruk after the photo was taken
108: Pounds gained by Kruk since the photo was taken
40,000: Dollars paid by Kruk to the photog to keep the incident under wraps

John Kruk, 1989 Fleer

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Name: Bo Jackson
Team: Kansas City Royals
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Three shell casings
Key 1990 stat: 312 broken bats
10 people sniper Bo Jackson picked off with his "fire arm":
10) The tailor who preferred too-tight pants
9) Chuck Connors
8) Some dude Bo met who doesn't wear wristbands
7) His Bizarro World nemesis, "Dough" Blackson
6) The grounds crew head, who replaced the field with a vortex
5) A member of the Blue Man Group
4) Fellow "Human Dynamo" Kirby Puckett, who looked at him funny
3) A fan in the 12th row who disparaged flip glasses
2) A linebacker trying to make a tackle on running back Bo Jackson in the following football season
1) The lead graphics designer at Score

Bo Jackson, 1991 Score Rifleman

Latrell Sprewell, 1994-95 Fleer Triple Threats (NBA Draft Week No. 5)

Name: Latrell Sprewell
Team: Golden State Warriors
Position: Guard x 3
Value of card: One neck brace
Key 1994-95 stat: 11 basketballs drawn or photographed on card
Pop-a-shot quiz time:

What were Latrell Sprewell's "triple threats" during his playing days?

A) Scoring, passing, rebounding
B) Whining, bitching, moaning
C) Personal fouls, flagrant fouls, technical fouls
D) Choking, punching, cursing
E) Feeding his family, crashing his yacht, ruining his career
F) All of the above

Latrell Sprewell, 1994-95 Fleer Triple Threats (NBA Draft Week No. 5)

Bernard King, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 2)

Name: Bernard King

Team: Washington Bullets

Position: Forward

Value of card: Two spent casings

Key 1991-92 stat: Five shots (fired)

Time for a violent pop quiz:

Why did the Bullets limit Bernard King's playing time?

(A) Because, with a head was shaped like a bullet, he could be a hothead.

(B) Because they heard he could shoot, but, really, he shot blanks.

(C) Because he drank too much Coors Light.
(D) Because he'd be full of powder, then become a shell of his old self.

(E) All of the above.

Bernard King, 1992-93 Upper Deck (Basketball Week No. 2)

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

Name: Dan Gable

Team: The US of A

Position: None quite as homoerotic as this

Value of card: Three pieces of used ear tape

Key 1976 stats: One gold medal; one passionate love affair

10 names for Gable's signature move, seen above:

10) Half-Nelson, Full-Sexy

9) Third Base

8) Slightly Homosexual Pile-Driver

7) 'Taint the Move You Want to Be In

6) Crotchlock

5) Reverse Spandex Smut

4) True Love

3) The Smell This

2) Greco-Roman Romance

1) The Gay-ble

Dan Gable, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 3)

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Name: John McNally

Team: The Team with the Goddamn Guns, That's Who

Position: Shooter

Value of card: All the money in the bank McNally just robbed

Key 1991 stat: 25 killed, hundreds wounded

Welcome to Alternative Sports Week: The world of terrible sports cards goes far beyond baseball, football and basketball. Through Christmas, the Bust will bring you wrestlers, hockey players, weight lifters and this guy, John "Shooter" McNally. Happy frickin' holidays.
Don't mess with McNally: "What's that, waitress, you don't have Dr. Pepper? Do you have it when a gun is in your grill?" "Oh, excuse me, barber, you think this mustache should be trimmed a bit? Why don't you recommend that to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson?" That's right, John McNally was a hard-ass. He carried a gun at all times, pulled it out whenever he felt like it and used it at a moment's notice. His Olympic sport? Bustin' caps in fools' asses. The 5-foot-2, 145-pound accountant from Wichita, Kan., was the most feared man at the Barcelona Games in 1992. He robbed the Dream Team of their gold medals and their bling. With two bullets, he made the nations of the former Soviet Union compete as the Unified team. He pointed his trusty piece at Dick Ebersol while standing at a urinal and made "skeet shooting" NBC's prime-time event for eight straight days. In 1992, John McNally took aim at greatness, and with a fire in his belly and a firearm in his grip, he shot and scored.

One more thing: That gun is pointed at you, punk. Keep reading.

John McNally 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Alternative Sports Week No. 1)

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Name: Roger McDowell
Team: New York Mets
Position: Closer, jerk
Value of card: Jack squat
Key 1987 stat: 129,031 insults of teammates
Catching heat: Roger McDowell must have majored in being a jerk at Lasorda University. When Donruss came around to take its photos for its 1988 set, McDowell stole one of catcher Gary Carter's mitts and promptly took a squat. "Hey guys, look at me! I'm Gary Carter. Did you guys know I only batted .235 last year? And that I'm fat and slow and stupid?" McDowell went on, saying unfortunate things about Carter's wife and questioning his masculinity in about 20 different ways. The cameramen were uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as McDowell after an irate Carter ran over and stretched the mitt over the closer's face.

Roger McDowell, 1988 Donruss Baseball's Best

Lenny Webster, 1993 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Webster
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A used piece of gauze
Key 1992 stat: One new scar
We've got questions, you've got a pop quiz:

What just happened to Lenny Webster?

A) Drilled in the ear hole by Nolan Ryan
B) Punched in the neck by Tom Brunansky
C) Judo chopped in the jaw by Alan Trammell
D) Got in the ring with Mike Tyson
E) Got an earful — literally — after sitting too close to Kent Hrbek's spit cup

Lenny Webster, 1993 Upper Deck

Mike Bordick, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike Bordick
Team: Oakland A's
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Four ounces of sand
Key 1991 stat: One championship belt
Double threat: We've profiled a handful of two-sport players here at the Bust, including Deion Sanders, Kenny Lofton and the immortal Bo Jackson, but perhaps no athlete has bridged a wider professional gap than Mike "The Barracuda" Bordick. An MLB shortstop by day, Bordick could often be found moonlighting at seedy, late-night professional wrestling events. His bare chest glistening with oil under rented lights, The Barracuda took on all comers, unleashing an arsenal of staged moves and eventually earning a "championship" belt with a real gold-painted plastic centerpiece. But Bordick's late nights began catching up with him, leading to confusion on his part. Here we see Bordick about to unleash a Flying Nuclear Elbow Drop on a hapless Tigers baserunner. After breaking the man's jaw, The Barracuda gave up the ring, thereby completely removing himself from any possible contact with steroids.

Mike Bordick, 1992 Upper Deck

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps

Name: Cardinals Leaders

Team: St. Louis Cardinals

Positions: All of them

Value of card: Three cotton balls

Key 1988 stat: Two punches at the same time

A Cardinal sin: No one on the Cardinals liked Tom Brunansky. He belittled teammates, insulted fans and, worst of all, he had a penchant for violence. Brunansky's violent streak even came out in times of celebration. After hitting a home run off Pirates grease-ball Bob Walk, Brunansky, above right, touched home plate and simultaneously punched infielder Luis Alicea in the nose and outfielder Curt Ford in the midsection. "Take that, peons," Brunansky yelled through a mouthful of chew spit. "Make way, this Cardinal is spreading his wings!"

Fun fact: The above photo was taken through the perspective of Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog, who saw the whole world as if it were shaped like a 1978 Ford Fiesta.

Cardinals leaders, 1989 Topps

Jim Thome, 1992 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Name: Jim Thome
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Third base
Value of card: One beating
Key 1991 stat: 25 punks turned away
Welcome to the team: As a rookie prospect undergoing hazing in 1991, Jim Thome thought he was getting off easy when he was assigned to be a night watchman at Cleveland Stadium. It wasn't so bad at first; he got to wear his letterman's jacket when it was cold, and he was provided an unlimited number of bats and baseballs with which to bust the skulls of would-be ne'er-do-wells. But things turned ugly one June night when a group of eight drunken longshoremen turned up, asking for a meeting with struggling manager John McNamara. Thome, ever confident, told the men to take their show back to the Cuyahoga. The situation quickly escalated. Thome was forced to eat splinters from his own bats, was run over by the bullpen car and ended up bound and gagged aboard a garbage barge on Lake Erie. Hats off, Jim Thome!

Jim Thome, 1992 Upper Deck Star Rookie

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Nolan Ryan
Team: Texas Rangers
Position: Ace
Value of card: 300 score marks on a prison wall
Key 1991 stat: Six months served
Don't mess with Nolan: In 1991, Nolan Ryan was framed for a crime he didn't commit and sentenced to two years in a Texas prison. (Yes, we realize you've never heard of this, but trust us — we're the Bust.) Ryan knew one thing: He had to kill someone on his first night in the slammer. He smuggled in a case of baseballs — don't ask how — picked out a target and nailed a convicted car thief in the head with a 102-mph heater. This killing did not have the intended effect. Ryan's victim, Billy "Chuckles" Belding, was well-liked among the inmates and had a lot of friends. As a result, Ryan found himself constantly fending off attackers, stuffing baseballs down their throats, cracking their skulls with fastballs or strangling them with twine from inside the tools of his trade. In all, Ryan killed more than 300 inmates, guards and visitors during his time in the big house. Ryan eventually realized it was either escape or face certain death. With the same rock hammer he used to keep score of all his kills, he dug through the wall of his cell and floated down the Rio Grande to freedom on a raft made of baseballs. He soon met up with four friends he had met inside. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire the Ryan Express.

Nolan Ryan, 1992 Fleer Pro-Visions