Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Name: Mike Singletary
Team: Chicago Bears
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: A single cent
Key 1992 stat: 40 pounds of neck muscle
It's time for The Caption, which absolutely did not run circa 1992 in the Chicago Tribune: "Bears linebacker Mike Singletary looks amused while modeling his new gameday helmet Saturday at Soldier Field. Things were much less amusing Sunday, however, when Singletary impaled two Vikings offensive linemen and quarterback Rich Gannon on his headgear before switching back to a regular helmet. All three Minnesota players are expected to survive."

Mike Singletary, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 63)

Deion Sanders, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 7)

Name: Deion Sanders
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Cornerback
Value of card: One three-pound dumbbell, melted down
Key 1992 stat: Zero sweat
A brief recap of Deion Sanders' weekly workout routine, circa 1992:

• Monday: Lifting 40 pounds of gold necklaces over his head, wearing them for the rest of the day
• Tuesday: 1 set of 20 chest presses followed by 20 minutes of staring at a poster of himself dressed as a pimp (seen in background and here)
• Wednesday: Running 3 miles in a multi-colored track suit, then getting a helicopter ride home
• Thursday: Rest; weekly hair appointment
• Friday: Four hours of playing baseball poorly
• Saturday: Tackling practice. Ha ha, just kidding. He probably lifted some weights or something.
• Sunday: High stepping, dancing, and repeat

Deion Sanders, 1992 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 7)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Name: Tony Mandarich
Team: Green Bay Packers
Position: Offensive (really offensive) tackle
Value of card: Two Gatorade bottles of sweat
Key 1990 stat: 2,984 hours worked as a packer (a UPS warehouse packer, post-NFL)
It's time for a bust-on-the-Bust pop quiz:

What's that tattoo on Mandarich's left arm?

(A) It's a dagger with a sweaty, sleeveless shirt wrapped around it.
(B) It's a sword with a ribbon cascading down, symbolizing the trajectory of a career that started when he was chosen No. 2 in a draft in which four of the first five picks were elected to the Hall of Fame.
(C) It's, ahem, a syringe symbolizing, well, you know, c'mon.
(D) It's a 1980s-era homage to Guns 'n Roses.
(E) All of the ... er, it's actually D. (He also had a dog named Axl, apparently.)

Tony Mandarich, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 28)

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Name: Eric Karros
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Positions: First base, pitchman
Value of card: Two $1 bills the same color scheme as this card
Key 1992 stat: One guest appearance on the "General Hospital" spinoff "Port Charles"
Transcript from late-night TV commercial for The Shake Weight®, circa 1993: "Hey there, sports fans. Eric Karros here, Major League Baseball Rookie of the Year and all-around handsome dude. I spend my time playing with balls on the diamond, but I still need to work long and hard to stay fit. How do I do it? It's simple: The Shake Weight®. (Close-up of Karros slowly moving the weight up and down.) At my job, I need strong wrists. And to get strong wrists I grab The Shake Weight® by the shaft and jerk it up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and ... whew, whoa, what was I saying? Any way, get yourself The Shake Weight® — it's a stroke of genius."

Eric Karros, 1993 Rembrandt Ultra Pro

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 burnt pepperonis
Key 1993 stat: 14 trips to JCPenney for handsome shirts
A year after winning the Rookie of the Year award in 1993, Mike Piazza tells a rookie how to achieve success: "Listen, kid. You have to trust me. I've been there; done that. I've been to the top of the mountain; I've done the things you dream about. You want to win? You have to do as I say. You want to play well? Do what I do. You want to be a star, surrounded by camera flashes and B-list actresses and getting free cuts at The Hollywood Mullet Factory? Sorry, there's only enough room for one Piazza in L.A. But you still can be great. Here's what to do: (1) grow out your hair and drown it in gel; (2) pick out the sweetest shirts you can find at JCPenney; (3) listen to Lasorda; (4) watch '90210' for sideburns tips; and, finally, (5) stick to a strict regimen of 5-pound weightlifting twice a week."

Mike Piazza, 1994 Ultra Pro

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Name: Bill Fralic
Team: Atlanta Falcons
Position: Guard
Value of card: Seven broken, chewed-up, splintering toothpicks
Key 1990 stat: 286 gallons of sweat saved in closet buckets
Conversation between Bill Fralic and a Pro Line photographer, July 23, 1991: 
Pro Line photographer: "Hey, Bill. Good to meet ... whoa!"
Bill Fralic (in voice similar to David Puddy's of "Seinfeld" fame: "What's the matter? Never seen a man work out before?"
PLP: "No, no. It's just, um, don't you think you should put on pants for the shoot?"
BF: "Why would I do that? This is how I work out. Pantsless."
PLP: "Um, OK."
BF: "Sans pants."
PLP: "Got it."
BF: "Sin pantalones, amigo."
PLP: "Yeah, I understand."
BF: "Positively without pants."
PLP: "OK, let's just get this shoot over with."
BF: "Sure. Just let me put on my socks."
PLP: "Really? You're going to spread your legs in the air like that? How about I turn around?"
BF: "What's the matter? Never seen a man put on socks before?"
PLP: "Just close your legs, finish pulling up your socks and let's shoot this."
BF: "Hold on. Make sure you get my red Jockeys in the shot. My mother is going to see this."

Bill Fralic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 18)

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Name: Andy Heck
Team: Seattle Seahawks
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: Not a whole heck of a lot
Key 1991 stat: Zero carbon footprint
Clearing up some rumors about Andy Heck:

• Andy Heck did not use overly dramatic lighting for this photo shoot. Rather, he was energy-conscious before it was cool.
• Andy Heck did not have trouble lifting those 50-pound weights. He did, apparently, have trouble putting them back when he was done. How about a little common courtesy, bro?
• Andy Heck did have eyes. But they really bulged out when he was lifting. It was disconcerting.
• Andy Heck's real name was actually Andy Hell. He was just always so darned polite that he could never bring himself to say it.
• Andy Heck's shirt really is soaked with sweat in the above photo, but not due to physical exertion. It's because he's terrified of the dark.

Andy Heck, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 13)

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Name: Bob Golic
Team: Los Angeles Raiders
Position: Defensive lineman
Value of card: The sweat from that rag Golic's holding
Key 1991 stat: Three hours spent locked in weight room
A lesson in the human form: Wow. Who says sports cards can't be art, huh? Look at the way Bob Golic's epic mullet catches the light of dusk (or is it dawn?), sending rays of light and beads of sweat shooting every which way. Or the sun glowing against Golic's muscles and stretch-marked skin, highlighting what can happen if you work very hard, lift a lot of weights and absolutely do not take steroids. Then there are Golic's sweat-stained undershirt and old gym sock that he's holding. Both are drenched and disgusting, byproducts of the work it takes to sculpt one's self into a Grecian god. Or is that a grease-cian god? Either way, hats off to you and your steel-wool beard, Bob Golic. The only shame in this Sunday portrait is ours, knowing we will never look half this awesome.

Bob Golic, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 3)

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

Name: Tommy Kono
Position: Weightlifter
Team: The good ol' U.S. of A.
Value of card: It's worth its weight in garbage
Key 1990 stat: 26 hours lifting weights outside a mental institution
10 reasons Tommy Kono made the U.S. Olympic Hall of Fame:
10) He rocked short-shorts like few men in the 1950s.
9) His hairdo's enviable part and wave 30 years before the 1980s.
8) He always reached for new heights.
7) Who else wore church shoes and gym socks while pumping iron?
6) Male cleavage.
5) As seen in this photo, he could lift 50 whole pounds above his head.
4) He held 21 world records (18 for his tan).
3) He doubled as a little-known female superhero in the 30th century of the DC Comics universe.
2) Weights in his hands.
1) Weight in his shorts.

Tommy Kono, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards Hall of Fame (Another Alternative Sports Week No. 2)

John Davis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Name: John Davis

Team: Team America (1948 and 1952)

Position: Weightlifter

Value of card: 400 lbs.

Key 1952 stat: 400 wedgies

Clearing up some rumors about Olympic weightlifting champion John Davis:

• John Davis may have been able to lift nearly a quarter-ton, but he couldn't carry a tune.
• John Davis wore only the finest tube socks and Chuck Taylors
• John Davis actually had no idea the guy behind him the stands was imitating him.
• John Davis was not related to Jim Davis, creator of that delightful "Garfield" comic strip.
• John Davis picked up a lot of heavy things on stage, but never lifted a finger around the house.
• John Davis actually hated weightlifting. He just really liked the little outfits he got to wear.

John Davis, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Alternative Sports Week No. 4)

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Juan Gonzalez

Team: Texas Rangers

Position: Outfield

Value of card: The sweat after 10 sets of 10 curls, bro

Key 1993 stat: 12,590 inconspicuous biceps flexes

Clearing up some rumors about Juan Gonzalez:

• Gonzalez didn't have blood rushing through his veins. He had more muscles in them.
• Gonzalez didn't do steroids. He was born 6 feet 3 and 220 pounds with 23-inch biceps.
• Gonzalez didn't have a mullet. He had a giant mustache on his scalp and neck.
• Gonzalez didn't hang out in Puerto Rican bath houses. Except for this card. And on Tuesdays. And Saturdays. And ...
• Gonzalez didn't have a massive Adam's apple. That was his neck's biceps.

Juan Gonzalez, 1994 Upper Deck

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Jose Canseco

Team: Texas Rangers

Positions: Outfield, pitchman

Value of card: First shipment is free; just enclose $14.95 for shipping and handling

Key 1993 stat: Two massive biceps, courtesy of "Care-oids"

Script from "Care-oids" television commercial, circa 1994: "Howdy, fellas. I'm Jose Canseco. You probably know me from my exploits on the diamond. (Cut to clip of Canseco hitting ball, lifting hand above eyes to shield sun, and watching ball fly out of stadium.) But nothing I do on the field would be possible without what I do in the weight room. (Cut to clip of Canseco bench-pressing an attractive woman.) I may be the strongest player in the majors, but it's not all god-given talent. (Canseco struts through weight room, shirtless.) You see, I have my own kind of spotter when I'm pumping iron. (Rapid zoom to close-up of product.) It's called 'Care-oids,' and I wouldn't trust my muscles to anything else. You see, 'Care-oids' is a scientific breakthrough meant to help athletes reach their top level of performance without all the hassle of working out more than a few minutes a day. Here's how it works. (Cut to Canseco bending over a weight bench, slightly pulling down his spandex gym shorts.) Just take one of our patented 'Care-oids Super Syringes,' and fill it up with a healthy dose of 'Care-oids.' Flick the needle once or twice, stick it in your rear end, and, voila, you're on your way to becoming twice the man, and twice the athlete. (Cut to Canseco doing curls.) Take it from me, I wouldn't be curling these nearly 8-pound dumbbells if it weren't for 'Care-oids.' And get this: We'll send your first shipment free. That's right. After that, just head down to 64th Street and Jefferson, stand next to the Dumpster for a while, and wait for Reggie to show up with your next shipment in a brown paper bag. It's that easy. (Cut to close-up of Canseco flashing a big smile.) Remember, if you care about sports, and you care about your body, you'll get a lot of stares with 'Care-oids.'"

Jose Canseco, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice