Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated brute hitter
Value of card: We're thinking at least a few hundred bucks
Key 1984 stat: 65 bears wrestled
Welcome back, Mr. Luzinski: It's a fact known to only a few people (because we only have a few readers): Greg Luzinski, the bearded wonder who clubbed home runs for the Chicago White Sox in the mid-1980s, was the first Baseball Card Bust subject. We called him the Kodiak Brute, saying he "spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks." Looking back five years, we couldn't have been more correct. When Luzinski saw a hive teeming with bees, he'd stick his face in it to slurp down the honey. When he'd take a dip in a river of raging rapids, he catch his salmon lunch in his teeth. When he'd have to go, you guessed it, he'd go in the woods. We salute you, Greg "The Kodiak Brute" Luzinski. You're the perfect ambassador for such a prestigious blog.

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Name: Big Boss Man
From: Cobb County, Ga.
Signature move: Boss Man Slam
Value of card: Being tasered in the face
Key 1990 stat: Probably did some bossing
Crimes that Big Boss Man was accused of during his pro wrestling career:

• Impersonating a police officer
• Impersonating an athlete
• Grand theft doughnut
• Assault with a deadly flat-top
• Thankfully, not indecent exposure

Big Boss Man, 1990 Classic WWF (Pro Wrestling Week No. 2)

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Tyson
Team: Chicago Cubs
Positions: Second base, slouching
Value of card: A piece of an ear
Key 1981 stat: One intentional walk
More fun facts about baseball's Mike Tyson and "Iron" Mike Tyson: 

• Iron Mike was the star of "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out." You didn't need to be a star to punch out baseball Mike at the plate.
• Iron Mike's bicep measured 16 inches. Baseball Mike's boiler was more than triple that.
• In his free time, Iron Mike likes to care for pigeons. Baseball Mike's only friend growing up was a yellow parakeet named Butter.
• Iron Mike has a tattoo on his face. Baseball Mike appears to have a marmoset on his face in the above photo.
• Iron Mike once said he wanted to eat an opponent's children. Baseball Mike once ate four boxes of Sour Patch Kids in one sitting.
• Iron Mike starred in a short-lived reality series on Animal Planet called "Taking on Tyson." Baseball Mike watched a couple of episodes on his couch.

Mike Tyson, 1981 Fleer

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Name: Anthony Munoz
Team: Cincinnati Bengals
Position: Offensive tackle
Value of card: See that elastic waistline twist tie? Yeah, that.
Key 1990 stat: 416 pancakes (not blocks; the breakfast food)
Transcript from Cincinnati-area TV commercial for NFL-brand Zubaz: "Howdy, Bengals fans. I'm Anthony Munoz and I'm here to tell you about NFL-brand Zubaz. If you're like me, you've always wanted to wear an understated pair of pants that look good without being outrageous. Well, your search is over, because NFL-brand Zubaz is being sold at a store near you. These are pants that put substance over style. They aren't meant to scare your elderly relatives or blind the children in your neighborhood. Oh no. They're made to match with just about any clothing combination you have in your closet. Need trousers for a formal occasion? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need something plain to go with a trendy striped shirt at the club? Grab a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. Need pants that absolutely, positively don't have giant tiger heads on them? Get your hands on a pair of NFL-brand Zubaz. With NFL-brand Zubaz, you'll earn your stripes without ever selling out to a ridiculous fad."

Anthony Munoz, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 54)

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Name: Matt Millen
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Linebacker
Value of card: 14 pieces of used, sweaty hand tape
Key 1990 stat: 8 pairs of sweatpants owned
Top 10 reasons Matt Millen was a man among men:
10) He made that chin cleft with a hammer and chisel.
9) His T-shirts are tucked into his tighty-whities
8) He used his hand tape to silence trash-talking opponents.
7) He always strutted around staring at the sky with his head slightly tilted.
6) His mock turtleneck is made from real turtles.
5) He used his elbow pad as a jockstrap.
4) He turned coal into diamonds between those thighs.
3) He squeezed the sweat from his shirt into a water bottle and drank it.
2) He played games in this outfit.
1) He has a pizza stuffed in the front of those sweatpants.

Matt Millen, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 48)

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: Greg Olson (No, not him. Or him.)
Team: Atlanta Braves
Position: Catcher
Value of card: A dirty camouflage snot rag
Key 1993 stat: Four flat tires
The Legend of Greg Olson: Let's face it, catchers are rarely known for being fleet of foot. Greg Olson was no exception. Balding, thick-legged and carrying a boiler that would have made Greg Luzinski proud, Olson was a rock behind the plate and a boulder on the basepaths. So it was that in 1993, Olson sweet-talked the league into a controversial exception: They let him "run" the bases on a four-wheel ATV. Olson still had to bat normally, standing in the box, his gut bulging over the edge of home plate, but when he made contact, he was allowed to hop on the quad (idling next to him during the at-bat) and motor to first. Predictably, opposing managers pitched a fit, but Olson kept on riding      that is, until he ran over poor John Kruk on a bang-bang play at first in July. Kruk, who was also built like an all-terrain vehicle, shook off the accident, but Commissioner Bud Selig finally saw the potential for danger. Selig banned the ATV from the field of play, but still allowed Olson to ride around the diamond on one of his son's Power Wheels.

Card submitted by FatShawnKemp.com

Greg Olson, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Name: John Kruk
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: First base
Value of card: The paint it took to make that earring
Key 1993 stat: Three colors of hair
Let's check out what's on John Kruk's checklist:

• Wear an octopus under the hat (check)
• Look suspiciously like a feudal Japan-era samurai (check)
• Misapply sunscreen, resulting in four colors of skin (check)
• Resemble the Wolverine, albeit with an extra chin (check)
• Appear on a baseball card that's a true work of art (no check here)

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

John Kruk, 1994 Upper Deck Collector's Choice Checklist

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Name: Steve Balboni
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Pretty sure it's worth at least $100
Key 1989 stat: Zero bunts
Here's what Steve Balboni stands for:

Stripes not quite slimming
Total package: power, charisma, mustache
Everyman who inspired couch potatoes everywhere
Veal scallopini shortage in New York during his days with the Yankees
Ego was never a problem; Eggos, that's another story

Boiler proved this guy had guts
Another career option: angry police detective, shirt slightly untucked
Lip sweater would make Tom Selleck jealous
Best stat: one career stolen base
One hundred eighty-one career home runs is nothing to shake a hoagie at
Nearly elected to the Name Hall of Fame
Inspired countless jokes from kids in the 1980s and early '90s who called each other "Balboners"

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Name: Jim Moore
Team: Fort Myers Royals
Position: Traveling secretary (not just some fat guy who was at the ballpark, OK?)
Value of card: An old boarding pass from two years ago
Key 1984 stat: Jokingly mispronounced Fort Myers as "Fart Myers" 71 times
A career journeyman: Jim Moore bounced around the minors for years, never quite able to get over the hump and earn a call-up to the show. His was an up-and-down career coming into 1984. It seemed like every time he would score a huge discount on a four-star hotel, he'd follow it up by sitting along the roadside after the team bus broke down, unable to secure a replacement for hours on end. But Moore's big breakthrough finally came that same year with the Fort Myers Royals. Using his rugged good looks and sharp sense of style, Moore sweet-talked his way into the heart of one of Tampa's richest female executives, persuading her to sell her Learjet to the team for just pennies on the dollar. The decision-makers in Kansas City took notice, and Jim Moore was soon on his way to the bigs, saying goodbye to the minors forever and leaving yet another woman brokenhearted.

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Jim Moore, 1985 TCMA

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Name: Buddy Ryan
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Head coach
Value of card: One pair of Buddy's used thermal underpants
Key 1990 stat: Dressed like this all year long
A handful of nicknames for the comically cold Buddy Ryan:

• Buddy the Elf
• Kermit the Hog
• The Not-Very-Jolly Green Giant
• The Four-Ton Clover
• Buddy "I Can Barely Touch My Hands Together" Ryan
• The Green Gobbler
• Not Your Buddy, Guy
• The Incredible Bulk

Buddy Ryan, 1990 Pro Set (Football Friday No. 188)

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Name: Joe Jacoby
Team: Washington Redskins
Position: Offensive line
Value of card: That towel — that dirty, sweaty towel
Key 1990 stat: 221 women who blew up this card to poster size and hung it on their walls
Welcome to Super Bowl Studs Week: The biggest single game in American sports takes place this Sunday, so of course we're taking advantage of the massive media event with a series of cards highlighting some of the most sexually alluring men in football. What do the Super Bowl and these super studs have in common? Nothing, really, but we're The Bust, so we know you're not expecting much.
Didn't see you there: "Oh, hello, ladies. I was just checking out how many pounds of stud I am. Turns out, it's a big number. Like big things? Check out these guns — and the 467 rounds of ammunition around my midsection. Ever see a man rock both short-shorts and Spandex to such sexified results? Guess what, it gets even better. I have a third pair of tiny, tight shorts below the Spandex. Boom. I know you like what you see. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm a 10 on a scale. Boom."

Joe Jacoby, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Super Bowl Studs Week No. 1)

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

Name: Reggie Cleveland
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: An empty can of Old Milwaukee
Key 1980 stat: Not yet mentioned in Bill Simmons' column
Fun facts about pitcher Reggie Cleveland and the city of Cleveland, Ohio:

• The city of Cleveland lies on the shore of Lake Erie. Reggie Cleveland has passed out on the shore after drinking too many brewskis.
• The city of Cleveland once saw the Cuyahoga River light on fire. Reggie Cleveland once lit his own flatulence on fire.
• The city of Cleveland is the 45th-largest city in the U.S. Reggie Cleveland had the fourth- or fifth-largest beer gut among the Brewers.
• The city of Cleveland has been called "The Cleve." Reggie Cleveland has been called "The Creep."
• Summers in the city of Cleveland are hot and humid. So are Reggie Cleveland's armpits.
• The city of Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Reggie Cleveland has been to his share of KISS concerts, but will certainly never be in the Hall of Fame.

 

Reggie Cleveland, 1981 Fleer

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Names: Cesar Jimenez, German Jimenez (actually the same person) 
Teams: Atlanta Braves, Greenville Braves
Positions: Portly pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Caesar dressing
Key 1988-89 stat: Zero haircuts (not counting mustache)
It's a mistaken-identity Matchup: Sure, we're aware that the above two cards both feature pitcher German Jimenez, and that Fleer just got his first name wrong (go figure). But that won't stop us from pitting one chunky man against himself.

Round 1: More masculine mustache (Winner: Cesar)
Round 2: Cooler uniform (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: Less racist mascot (Winner: German)
Round 4: Puffier hairdo (Winner: German)
Round 5: Card that vaguely resembles a candy cane (Winner: Cesar)
Round 6: Chins (Winner: German)
Round 7: Worried expression that may portend a dumb mistake on Fleer's part (Winner: Cesar)
Round 8: Insistence upon signing card with his real name (Winner: German)

Final score: German 4, Cesar 3 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: German survived a blitzkrieg from his made-up counterpart to take a narrow victory. There will be no hailing Cesar, and definitely no hailing Fleer. Real nice work, guys.

Cards submitted by Sean Griffin

German "Cesar" Jimenez, 1988 Fleer and 1989 Greenville Braves Best

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Name: Tom Dempsey
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
Position: Big, fat kicker
Value of card: The grease at the bottom of a used McDonald's bag
Key 1972 stat: Played for an actual NFL team
Look and admire: This, ladies and gentlemen, is a professional athlete. Stand in awe of the grace, the power, the talent, the tight-fitting pants. See how his second chin helps steady his head as he lines up his kick. Admire the way his little hoof-like foot rises higher than his mega-sideburn, bowl-cut hairdo and into the sky, pointing in the direction he wants the ball to go. You don't think kickers are real football players? Well, Mr. Tom Dempsey would like to have a word with you      right after he finishes his second cheesesteak.

Tom Dempsey, 1973 Topps (Football Friday No. 178)

Jake Peavy, 2011 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Name: Jake Peavy
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 little flags
Key 2010 stat: Not actually as chubby as he looks in this photo
Walking with legends: As noted above, Jake Peavy hails from Mobile, Ala. Here are some other notable folks from that city.

• Some guy named Aaron, who never could outshine his big brother
• Some guy named Holly, who was so hardcore he wore Spandex shorts
• Some guy named Turnipseed, who has accomplished a lot despite being named Turnipseed
• Some banker named Fail, who was too big to do so
• Some guy named Guy, who was a guy on "Big Brother," guy
• Some gal named Maybrick, who was the daughter of a baroness and later killed her husband ... wait, that's neither funny nor heroic. Sorry.

Jake Peavy, 2011 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: Two-thirds of a tub of lard
Key 2007 stat: Wore glove on only half of hand
Here's what Bust favorite Dmitri Young stands for:

Doughnuts
Meatballs
Ice cream
Triple Bypass Burgers
Ramen by the case
In-N-Out Double Doubles

Yoohoo
Onion rings
Upside down cake
Nuggets (not just chicken)
Gravy

Dmitri Young, 2008 Upper Deck

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Name: Randy Bass
Team: Premium Malts (yes, really)
Positions: "Infielder," usually standing in a buffet line
Value of card: One bass skeleton
Key 2008 stat: For relaxing times, made it Suntory time
Get ready for another edition of The Caption, which may have been translated from some Japanese newspaper or other, as far as you know: "Pro Japanese baseball legend Randy Bass holds up a giant, inflatable can advertising Suntory Premium Malts during an old-timers all-star game Sunday in Tokyo. The evening took an ugly turn after the game, however, when Bass learned that the can was not, in fact, filled with delicious malt liquor, and in retaliation looted a nearby convenience store, drinking every 40-ounce bottle of less-than-premium alcohol he could find. Police have estimated that the damage is close to a million yen."

Randy Bass, 2009 BBM

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Names: Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston
Team: Birmingham Barons
Positions: Assorted coaches, pre-rookies (wait, what?)
Value of card: How can they be pre-rookies if they're coaches?
Key 1990 stat: That doesn't even make any sense!
This card is stupid: We give up. Let's just do a Matchup already.

Round 1: Concave chest (Winner: Tie between Peterson and Roessler)
Round 2: Convex belly (Winner: Hairston)
Round 3: Doesn't know what to do with hands (Winner: Hairston)
Round 4: Bulge (Winner: Roessler)
Round 5: Unnecessary collared shirt under jersey (Winner: Peterson)
Round 6: Glasses thick enough to stop a foul ball (Winner: Hairston)
Round 7: Pre-rookie (yes, we're still angry) (Winner: None)

Final score: Hairston 3, Peterson 1, Roessler 1 (Ties: 1; nonsense categories: 1)

Synopsis: All three of these guys are far past their pre-rookie days, but Hairston's overall awkwardness scares off the competition to earn him a win in this minor-league Matchup.

Rick Peterson, Pat Roessler, Sam Hairston, 1991 Line Drive

Dmitri Young, 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Washington Nationals
Position: First base
Value of card: A look through Allen & Ginter's kitchen garbage can
Key 2007 stat: Young was no longer young
Fun facts about Dmitri Young and the state of Mississippi:

• Mississippi is known for its catfish farms. Dmitri Young often smelled like catfish.
• Mississippi is the Magnolia State. Dmitri Young was confused and upset by the movie "Magnolia."
• Mississippi led the South's rebellion among U.S. states. Dmitri Young's southern half is usually in a state of rebellion, as teammates who've used the bathroom after him can testify.
• Mississippi has the worst poverty rate in the nation. Dmitri Young's defense was also poor.
• Mississippi has one of the nation's highest obesity rates. Above, you see an illustration of Dmitri Young.

Dmitri Young, 2008 Topps Allen & Ginter's