Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: A circle
Key 1983 stat: Beard made of 50,000 porcupine spines
The end of an era: Dear readers (yes, all 11 of you), nearly six years ago, we started this little website with one simple goal: to become famous and rich enough that we could quit our jobs. Now, while we did get quoted in the New York Times, that plan hasn't really panned out. Nonetheless, we've had a lot of fun and laughs bringing you some of the most hideous, dated, airbrushed and ridiculous cards we've encountered.

Today's post is No. 2,098      and the last for us here at the Bust. We know that there are thousands more cards out there worthy of skewering, but life has gotten in the way and it is time for the Bust Cup to return to its trophy case. We want to sincerely thank everybody who contributed cards to our site and helped us along the way. We know there are some of you out there who check this page every day, and while we won't be adding new cards, you can view a random post by clicking the button at the top of our sidebar. Not a great consolation, we know, but we're guessing there are a few you've missed over the years.

So, that's all, friends. We leave you with the man who started it all, Greg Luzinski, The Kodiak Brute, grinding away at his shaft for all eternity. Take care.

Greg Luzinski, 1984 Fleer

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Name: Pablo Torrealba
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Pit stench
Key 1978 stat: Zero forearms exposed
Oh, good lord: What are those things coming out of Pablo's nose?

A) More lapels
B) Black mollies
C) Mold spores
D) Newborn kittens
E) A mustache that somehow is less hideous than the uniform

Card submitted by Douglas Corti

Pablo Torrealba, 1979 Topps

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Name: Cal McLish
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's hard to see any value here
Key 1960 stat: 519 times walking into a wall
Wait a minute: One of two things is going on here. Either the genius Topps photo editor chose the worst possible photo of Cal McLish for the 1961 set or Cal McLish's eyelids were constantly dragged downward by the gravitational field caused by his massive chin. Hmm, considering Topps' sterling reputation for quality, it's gotta be the chin, right?

Cal McLish, 1961 Topps

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Name: Fred Manrique
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Second base
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1988 stat: Lost all of his bottom teeth
Ways in which Fred put the "man" in "Manrique":

• Grew a mustache both outside and inside his upper lip
• Caught fish by using nothing but an old mesh jersey
• Started campfires using only flint, steel, and his glasses
• Belched so loudly that it cleared out an entire stadium
• Despite the photographic evidence, lifted weights nonstop
• Could seduce a woman just by giving her a slack-jawed stare

Submitted by Douglas Corti

Fred Manrique, 1989 Fleer

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Name: Greg Luzinski
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated brute hitter
Value of card: We're thinking at least a few hundred bucks
Key 1984 stat: 65 bears wrestled
Welcome back, Mr. Luzinski: It's a fact known to only a few people (because we only have a few readers): Greg Luzinski, the bearded wonder who clubbed home runs for the Chicago White Sox in the mid-1980s, was the first Baseball Card Bust subject. We called him the Kodiak Brute, saying he "spent his formative years wrestling brown bears and chewing on tree trunks." Looking back five years, we couldn't have been more correct. When Luzinski saw a hive teeming with bees, he'd stick his face in it to slurp down the honey. When he'd take a dip in a river of raging rapids, he catch his salmon lunch in his teeth. When he'd have to go, you guessed it, he'd go in the woods. We salute you, Greg "The Kodiak Brute" Luzinski. You're the perfect ambassador for such a prestigious blog.

Greg Luzinski, 1985 Topps

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Name: Rusty Kuntz
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One Rusty Kuntz autograph with the last name misspelled
Key 1981 stat: 162 unusually long autograph lines after games
It's autograph time with Bust favorite Rusty Kuntz:

• "Dear Charlie, yes, that's my real name. Ha ha, you're pretty funny."
• "To Sean: No, I've never met Dick Pole. Why do you ask?"
• "For Nick: Yep, it's my real name, honest. Thanks for asking."
• "To Chris: No, I don't have any sisters. But if I did, yes, I'm sure they'd be real Kuntzes."
• "Dear Isaac, yes, my name is really Rusty Kuntz. You people are so original."
• "Richie, this is a pretty nice glove. Maybe I'll just keep it."
• "For Gordon: Yep, that's my real name. Is that your real face, jerkwad?"

Rusty Kuntz, 1982 Topps

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Name: Ron Kittle
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 3 months of bird crap found inside a sparrow nest
Key 1983 stat: 20/80 vision
Grab your mace: "Hey baby. Come to this parking lot often? Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. No, no, don't back away. I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm not a serial killer or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my panel van over here? It's really nice inside. You should see it some time. Why are you dialing on your phone? I'm not trying to scare you out of your clothes or anything. Huh-ha. (snort) Huh-ha. Do you like my glasses? All the better to see you with, my dear. Wait, why are you running away? I can be the man of your dreams. Don't you want me haunting your dreams? Wait, come back! (Puts rope, large plastic bag and shovel into the back of van.)"

Ron Kittle, 1984 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dream-Haunting Diamond Kings Week No. 4)

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Name: Ron LeFlore
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 dead flowers
Key 1981 stat: One bout of lead poisoning from that necklace
Garbage-time pop quiz: Why is Ron LeFlore dressed like the garbage man?

(A) We don't know, and neither does he, judging by the look on his face.
(B) Hey, he had to do something during the '81 strike.
(C) It's not intentional; he's just allergic to every clothing material except plastic.
(D) It beats wearing those old White Sox uniforms.
(E) None of the above

Ron LeFlore, 1982 Topps

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Name: Ozzie Guillen
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Shortstop
Value of card: Two blue squares
Key 1989 stat: No curse-laden rants in front of the media
Ozzie Guillen's reaction after seeing this Diamond King for the first time: "What is this? What the (expletive) is this? Is this a (expletive) joke? Look at this piece of (expletive)! Is that suppose to be my face? Does this mother(expletive) artist think I had a (expletive) stroke, or did he make one half of my beautiful face sag for no good (expletive) reason? You got to be (expletive) kiddin' me! And what is that stupid (expletive) background? I could draw something (expletive) better than that (expletive) by eating a box of (expletive) crayons and (expletive) them out of my (expletive) on a blank (expletive) canvas! Those colors make me want to (expletive) puke all over the (expletive) floor. What is that (expletive) blue thing supposed to be? Part of the (expletive) state of Kentucky? A (expletive) tear in the space-time (expletive) continuum? No (expletive) way. No chance. Who would buy this (expletive) (expletive)? (Expletive)."

Ozzie Guillen, 1990 Donruss Diamond Kings (Too Bad, Here Are More Diamond Kings Week No. 2)

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Name: Sparky Lyle
Teams: Boston Red Sox, Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 1983 - 1967 = 16 cents
Key 1982 stat: 17 times he took an O-Pee-Chee in the dugout corner
It's time for a Super Veteran version of The Matchup:

Round 1: Hideous, pseudo-space-age uniform (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 2: 3-inch-deep butt chin (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 3: Honorable mention, Name Hall of Fame (Winner: Tie)
Round 4: Sideburns Dylan McKay would covet (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Thickness around the midsection (Winner: 1983 Sparky)
Round 6: Fathered 1983 Sparky (Winner: 1967 Sparky)
Round 7: Mustache that just won't stop, just won't quit (Winner: 1983 Sparky)

Score: 1983 Sparky 3, 1967 Sparky 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: In the battle of Sparky vs. Sparky, the older, hairier version grabs the victory with a mustache for the ages.

Sparky Lyle, 1983 O-Pee-Chee Super Veteran

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Name: Harold Baines
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Designated hitter, outfield
Value of card: #1 (cent)
Key 1977 stat: 12 designated hits (whatever that means)
Chicago White Sox scouting report on 1977 No. 1 draft pick Harold Baines: "Led his league in pop-outs — collar pop-outs. ... Sideburns have potential to hit .280. ... It's like his hair was made to have a baseball cap over it. ... Might look more like a big-leaguer if we get him out of the milkmaid outfit and into a uniform. ... No. 1 pick in the hair draft, so his future is bright. ... Has shown a lot of guts, if only for sporting that jewelry. ... We like nicknames, and 'Hair-old' is a built-in winner."

Harold Baines, 1985 Topps #1 Draft Pick Pick

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Name: Bob James
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Sweaty pitcher
Value of card: Two first names, zero hygiene
Key 1986 stat: Named baseball's swarthiest player for a second year running
Top 10 places you might see Bob James, other than the baseball park:

10) Hitching a ride inside a railroad boxcar
9) Asleep at the neighborhood park
8) Selling his hair grease for booze money
7) Not at the dentist's office
6) Rummaging through your garbage cans
5) Out with your crazy aunt
4) Aboard the subway, with a car all to himself
3) On the street, dining on four varieties of cat food
2) At the pet store, smuggling out mice in his beard
1) Being tormented by his inner demons (and the Bust)

Bob James, 1987 Donruss

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Name: Bruce Kimm
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: One white sock
Key 1980 stat: 46 times mistaken for a member of the Bob's Muffler Service softball team while wearing that uniform
It's time for The Caption, which we're told ran in the Chicago Tribune in 1981: "Bruce Kimm, center, sulks near the batting cage after losing a bet and being forced to wear a uniform that was so ridiculous it in no way could have been worn by a professional baseball team — not even the Chicago White Sox, whose hideous uniform choices are well-documented — and, in fact, looked more like a uniform worn by rollerskating waitresses at Chicagoland carhop restaurant Shakes & Skates, Tuesday in Detroit."

Bruce Kimm, 1981 Topps

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Name: Chet Lemon
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Four lemon seeds, swallowed
Key 1981 stat: Went on strike, but not because of the team's unis.
Here's what Chet Lemon stands for:

Carried a lot of bad White Sox teams
Had to wear a lot of bad White Sox uniforms, as well
Evidently, he's too cool for his full first name, Chester
This angle makes it look like that infielder's getting a good whiff of Lemon's scent

Lapels double as a flotation device
Eats anything except citrus, surprisingly
Man, there are stripes going in every direction in that photo
Once played for a manager named Bob Lemon
No relation      in fact, their relationship was pretty sour

Chet Lemon, 1982 Donruss

Mike Colbern, 1981 Topps

Name: Mike Colbern
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Catcher
Value of card: See that grass in the back? Below it is mud. The value of this card is equal to the worth of the mud.
Key 1980 stat: 131 times wearing dirty "sox"
It's time to see what Mike Colbern stands for:

Mind was full of hope despite being left in a cow field by his teammates
Idealistic lad who didn't even mind wearing that uniform
Key to happiness: getting a photo taken in as awkward a pose as possible
Even a .259 career batting average couldn't make him frown

Candid photos like this one really let you see a professional athlete's humanity
Optimistic would be an understatement
Left arm probably hs never been in that position before
Bright smile, bright day, not-so-bright pose
Evidence of the power of positive thinking: He's happy to be shot by Topps
Rose-colored glasses were his eyewear of choice
Never met a glass he wouldn't drink from and still declare half-full

Mike Colbern, 1981 Topps

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Names: Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Outfield and pitcher, respectively
Value of card: One lamp that doesn't work
Key 1981 stat: One plate of spaghetti shared, a la "Lady and the Tramp"
It's a Name Hall of Fame Matchup between two Pale Hose:

Round 1: Better name (Winner: Lemon, but only because of "Chet")
Round 2: Resemblance to a walrus (Winner: Lamp)
Round 3: Square acreage of collar (Winner: Lemon)
Round 4: Got more ladies to pucker up (Winner: Lamp, surprisingly)
Round 5: Brighter personality (Winner: Lemon, again, surprisingly)
Round 6: Requisite early-'80s hair helmet (Winner: Lamp)
Round 7: Noise-muffling sideburns (Winner: Lamp)

Final score: Lamp 4, Lemon 3

Synopsis: Dennis Lamp shines at the end to peel the victory away from Chet Lemon. Lemon doesn't look too sour about the whole thing, though      after all, he doesn't have 18 pounds of hair to weigh him down.

Chet Lemon and Dennis Lamp, 1982 Topps Leaders

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Name: Wilbur Wood
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Three rotten logs
Key 1976 stat: Got two rave reviews from his dentist
Differences between us and Wilbur Wood:

• We wouldn't sign our first name so huge that we then had to cram our last name in at the end. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't eat that piece of cheesecake that's been sitting in the fridge for two weeks. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stand idly by while Topps airbrushed what appears to be a graduation gown on us. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't stare up at the Bust Cup and wonder if it was filled with delicious raspberry syrup. But Wilbur Wood.
• We wouldn't let a photographer make our second and third chins the focus of a photo. But Wilbur Wood.

Wilbur Wood, 1977 Topps

Jake Peavy, 2011 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Name: Jake Peavy
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 15 little flags
Key 2010 stat: Not actually as chubby as he looks in this photo
Walking with legends: As noted above, Jake Peavy hails from Mobile, Ala. Here are some other notable folks from that city.

• Some guy named Aaron, who never could outshine his big brother
• Some guy named Holly, who was so hardcore he wore Spandex shorts
• Some guy named Turnipseed, who has accomplished a lot despite being named Turnipseed
• Some banker named Fail, who was too big to do so
• Some guy named Guy, who was a guy on "Big Brother," guy
• Some gal named Maybrick, who was the daughter of a baroness and later killed her husband ... wait, that's neither funny nor heroic. Sorry.

Jake Peavy, 2011 Topps Allen & Ginter's

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Chicago White Sox, Thunder From Down Under
Position: Half-dressed first baseman
Value of card: An ounce of baby oil
Key 1992 stat: 183 portrait photos of him not looking at the camera
Kids, avert your eyes: Frank Thomas was king of Chicago in the early 1990s, bashing home runs, stealing the hearts of women and even disarming explosives. But the Big Hurt had a secret: During the offseason, he worked as a, ahem, dancer just for the thrill of it. Working under the pseudonym Thomas Frank, the slugger would put on a mask and then proceed to take off everything else for the ladies (and gents) who ventured into a dark and seedy Chicago club called The City of Big Shoulders and Bigger Other Things. His secret got out in early 1993, though, and his teammates decided action must be taken. Ozzie Guillen, George Bell and Ron Karkovice barged into the club one night while Thomas was on stage. Guillen started cursing at the slugger while Bell slung the half-bare basher over his shoulder and carried him to the car. Karkovice, however, took a seat and stayed behind.

Frank Thomas, 1993 Donruss Studio

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club

Name: Sammy Sosa
Team: Chicago White Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Libido
Key 1990 stat: Almost had a mustache
Sammy Sosa's dating profile, circa 1991:

Screen name: Slammy21
Age: 23
Height: 6' 0" (6' 2" if you count the Jheri curl)
Weight: 155, though I've been looking into supplements
Hair: Curly and fabulous
Ethnicity: South Side
Religious views: Jobu
Marital status: Hoping to go from single to double
Want children? My mother says I do
Best feature: Old-timey uniform
Smoke? I prefer injections
Drink? Soul Glo, once, by accident

Seeking: A baseball
Location: In my hand
Her body type: Round
Her ethnicity: White
Her best feature: Seams

About me: Are you a baseball? If so, I wish to show you the Dominican caress. I wish to hold you in my palm, rub your soft, white leather, tilt my hat sideways and stare seductively into your seams. I wish to make you sweet promises about how we will melt into one another and how my mustache will someday fill in. I wish to dress as though it is 1913 and take you for a carriage ride, after which I will ask your equipment manager for permission to wed you. I wish for you, baseball. I wish for you.

Sammy Sosa, 1991 Topps Stadium Club