Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Name: Tuuka Rask
Team: Boston Bruins
Position: Goaltender
Value of card: 16 ounces of warm water from this spa
Key 2010-11 stat: 2,196 hours spent in a hot tub, alone
Welcome to Return of Stanley Cup Week: It's that time of year, when most of Canada and a few people in the United States focus their attention on the last few teams battling to be crowned the kings of hockey. In celebration, we here at The Bust is bringing you seven days of athletes tougher than you doing ridiculous things with an old trophy. Enjoy, eh!
Here's how Tuuka Rask celebrated his day with Lord Stanley's Cup: Rask woke up at the crack of noon, grabbed the Cup and walked, naked, to his hot tub. He emptied out the Jacuzzi and filled the Cup with Winner's Cup Vodka. One Cup-full after the next, Rusk poured the vodka into the tub. When the hot tub was full, Rask jumped in and turned on the jets. Three hours later, his skin resembled a prune and he had gotten drunk through osmosis. This photo was snapped soon after, as Rask yelled, "I love America! Jump in, the vodka's fine!"

Tuuka Rask, 2011-12 Upper Deck Day with the Cup (Return of Stanley Cup Week No. 1)

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Name: Robin Yount
Team: Milwaukee Brewers
Positions: Outfield, dirt bike racer
Value of card: The dirt left in Yount's bike tires
Key 1991 stat: 118 airs caught
Script from Honda Powersports dirt bike commercial, circa 1992: "Whoooaa! Howdy, sports fans! This is Robin Yount, the most extreme baseball player who ever played the game and yelled all his sentences! (shot of Yount taking a bite out of a baseball) You know I like it to tear it up! I like to ride hard (shot of Yount riding a bike) and party harder! Woo-hooo! But I never mix riding and partying, because that would be a strikeout. (shot of Yount swinging, missing, falling down) Just kidding! I'm all about getting on my Honda dirt bike with 10 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka in my gut and two beers in my pockets* and hitting some jumps! Get some air, scabs, and get yourself a Honda dirt bike! Wooooo-hoooo!"

* Robin Yount and Honda in no way endorse drinking and riding (unless it's with your sister. Hey-o!).

Robin Yount, 1992 Pinnacle Sidelines (Pinnacle Sidelines Week No. 4)

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Name: Dan Marino
Team: Miami — you guessed it — Dolphins
Position: Quarterback, marine mammal
Value of card: 11 fish sticks (3 years old and freezer burned)
Key 1991 stat: 22 Isotoner commercials
Fun facts about dolphins, the beloved sea creature, and Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino:

• Dolphins are marine mammals related to whales and porpoises. Dolphin Dan Marino was a land mammal who never had relations with a "whale" on purpose.
• Dolphins are often regarded as one of Earth's most intelligent animals. Dolphin Dan Marino was rarely regarded as one of the NFL's most intelligent players.
• Dolphins communicate using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations. Dolphin Dan Marino communicated using a variety of clicks, whistle-like sounds and other vocalizations.
• Dolphin copulation usually begins belly to belly, and many species engage in lengthy foreplay. Dolphin Dan Marino's copulation usually begins with Winner's Cup Vodka, and he sneers at the second part of this sentence.
• Dolphins have long been a favorite of popular culture, appearing in TV series such "Flipper" and  "SeaQuest DSV." Dolphin Dan Marino has long been a laughingstock of popular culture, appearing in movies such as "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective." 

Dan Marino, 1992 Upper Deck Heroes (Football Friday No. 158)

Dave Kryskow, 1975-76 Topps (Hockey Week No. 5)

Name: Dave Kryskow
Team: Atlanta Flames (who knew?)
Position: Forward
Value of card: More if it were thrown into flames
Key 1974-75 stat: 2,632 minutes in the penalty box (after games; he was homeless for a while)
It's time for a pop quiz that's on ice:

Why was Dave Kryskow known as a creepy player?

(A) He liked to "poke check" a bit too much.
(B) His idea of a "power play" involved duct tape and a rope.
(C) When his team would "pull the goalie," he'd ask for the same treatment.
(D) He was considered a "penalty killer," not because of his prowess when the team was shorthanded, but because of actual killings.
(E) He spent a lot of time in the "referee's crease."
(F) He was an expert at the "slap shot": downing 3 ounces of Winner's Cup vodka and slapping the nearest person.
(G) He dated a zamboni.
(H) All of the above

Dave Kryskow, 1975-76 Topps (Hockey Week No. 5)

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Name: Frank Thomas
Teams: Team USA, Chicago White Sox
Position: First base
Value of card: Six nights' stay at the Fleabag Motel in Millington, Tenn.
Key 1946 stat: One photo printed on Johannes Gutenberg's first printing press
Welcome to "Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week: We're celebrating one of the biggest and baddest sluggers of the 1990s with a full week of cringe-inducing cards from such esteemed companies as Topps, Upper Deck and BDK Card Co. Umm, what company? Anyway, Thomas is the subject of some of the worst card concepts in history, having been the No. 1 collected player during the industry's boom years of the early to mid-1990s. For him, this proved embarrassing. For us, it's something to ridicule between binges of Winner's Cup vodka. Want a few examples? How about cards that utilize lightning, MTV and dynamite. Think those are terrible? This week has six more days.
Team USA's scouting report on young Frank Thomas: "This guy is as American as apple pie, bald eagles and crappy baseball cards produced in garages by losers trying to scam kids out of their allowance. ... I foresee a bright future for him — in a Chuck Norris movie. ... Talk about patriotism. That's not our uniform; he walks around supporting America. ... Looks good in a USA jersey made in China. ... A five-tool player: hits for power, hits for average, throws well, fields great and tucks shirts with the best of them. ... Excellent future in mesh. ... Could be great for the Red, White and Blue if we could find a photo of him that's not black-and-white. ... Easily the best player in Millington, Tenn. OK, the only player in Millington, Tenn."

Frank Thomas, 1990 U.S. Baseball Federation BDK Card Co. ("Fabulous" Frank Thomas Week No. 1)

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Name: Dwight Gooden
Team: New York Mets
Position: Ace
Value of card: The residue on a bag that an 8-ball came in
Key 1991 stat: Three teammates, one intervention
Conversation among Kevin Elster, from left, Tom Herr, Dwight Gooden and Dave Magadan, Aug. 15, 1991:
Gooden: "Guys, what are you all doing here on the mound before the first pitch?"
Magadan: "Dwight, we need to talk. This is an intervention. That's why no one is in the stadium but us."
Gooden: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I don't have a problem. Sure, I like to party, but ..."
Herr: "Dwight, this is serious. You snort more than a pig with a deviated septum. You drink more than sailor, a sailor who fell overboard."
Elster: "Seriously, Dwight. We like going to the club with you, but last time you put a shotgun in my mouth and then ended up drinking gin out of the barrel later."
Herr: "And there's the time you tried to snort the baseline."
Gooden: "But, but ..."
Magadan: "And the time you dropped acid on your off day and were convinced that Strawberry was actually a strawberry."
Herr: "You smoked part of my mitt, man."
Magadan: "You mistakenly shot up Mr. Pibb."
Gooden: "Hey, that was a good high, man."
Elster: "It's time you got help, Dwight. No more bathtubs filled with pills or Winner's Cup Vodka showers."
Herr: "Especially in the locker room after a loss."
Gooden: "Guys, thank you for this. (crying) I just needed someone to lay it out straight, ya know? These vices have such a powerful grip on me. Now, let's get me to a doctor."
Magadan: "That's great, Dwight. You're handling this so well."
Herr: "Yeah, that's great, Dwight. We'll get you to the doctor."
Gooden: "OK, good. His name is Dr. K. His office is down the street. Just drop me off in the dark alley near the martini neon sign. Let's get there, stat. Right after the next hit." (Gooden runs)
Magadan: "I don't think he means a base hit."
Elster: "Freebase hit, Dave. Freebase hit."

Dwight Gooden, 1992 Donruss

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer

Name: Barry Jones
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Pitcher, scoundrel
Value of card: Two shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered, of course)
Key 1988 stat: 22 shots of Winner's Cup Vodka (charcoal filtered and puked up, of course)
Clean it up, Barry (face palm): Barry Jones, you and Fleer should be ashamed of yourselves. You look like you just woke up and rolled off a dead hooker. And by "hooker," we mean "fisherman." If this card were scratch-and-sniff, it would be 80 proof. You're wearing a mesh jersey that would be laughed off a beer league field, but it's covering a gut that only belongs on that field. Nice black-tar smack scar on your arm. What flytrap motel on the South Side played host to that night? And the mustache. C'mon. If you're going to do handlebars, go all the way and grow a pair. That uneven mess above your lip looks like it crawled there after the Port-O-Potty tipped over. But, hey, shaving your sweaty chest hair into a heart was a nice touch. In closing, run a comb through that filthy mullet, ya jerk.

Card submitted by Fat Shawn Kemp

Barry Jones, 1989 Fleer