Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Names: Ken Griffey Jr. and random grandma
Teams: Seattle Mariners, Team Upper Deck
Positions: Outfield, grandma
Value of card: Back in her day, this card would have cost about what it's worth now
Key 1994 stat: One meal on wheels
Let's go to Seattle for a cross-generational Matchup: 

Round 1: Looks better in a hat (Winner: Griffey)
Round 2: Makes a better apple crumble (Winner: Grandma)
Round 3: Smells more like mothballs (Winner: Grandma)
Round 4: Weeks away from an debilitating injury (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: More apt to swat a baseball (Winner: Griffey)
Round 6: More apt to swat a behind (Winner: Grandma)
Round 7: Cringing slightly from unwanted physical contact (Winner: Grandma)

Final score: Grandma 4, Griffey 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Grandma took The Kid to the woodshed in this Matchup, but she'll still make him that apple crumble. Thanks, Grandma!

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Ken Griffey Jr., 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Names: Reggie and Cheryl Miller
Team: Team Saddest Prom Night
Positions: Guard, forward
Value of card: As much awkwardness as you can fit in a photo
Key 1994 stat: Endless chants of "Cheryl's better!"
It's another family Matchup:

Round 1: Awesome haircut (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 2: Jacket big enough for the whole family (Winner: Reggie)
Round 3: Looks completely comfortable (Winner: Tie      neither)
Round 4: Got along better with Spike Lee (Winner: Cheryl)
Round 5: Worked with a guy nicknamed the Dunking Dutchman (Winner: Reggie)
Round 6: Less dorky (Winner: Cheryl, barely)
Round 7: More likely to survive being hit by that basketball-shaped meteor (Winner: Cheryl)

Final score: Cheryl 4, Reggie 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Reggie may have once scored 8 points in 9 seconds, but he wasn't quick enough to beat his sister today. Once again, Mr. Miller, Cheryl is better.

Reggie Miller and Cheryl Miller, 1994 Upper Deck USA Basketball (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Names: Diana Ditka, Mike Ditka
Teams: Biker Mamas, Chicago Bears
Position: Coach's wife, head coach
Value of card: Two pairs of white pants (same style) for the price of one
Key 1991 stat: 182,290 bugs in teeth (combined)
Clearing up some rumors about Mike Ditka and his lovely wife, Diana:

• Diana Ditka does not use the phrase "riding the hog" when talking about motorcycles. That's the phrase she uses when discussing her married sex life.
• Mike Ditka is not wearing David Puddy's 8-ball jacket from "Seinfeld." He's wearing an even more ludicrous jacket.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, take his wife everywhere on his motorcycle. But she keeps finding her way home.
• Mike Ditka does, in fact, need to wear a motorcycle helmet for safety. Diana does not     her hair serves the same purpose.
• This is not Mike Ditka's most embarrassing moment. That would be this video of him yelling at a bunch of kids about flushing the toilet (preferably after putting this card in it).

Mike Ditka, Diana Ditka, 1992 Pro Line Spirit (Return of Coach-Manager Week No. 5)

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Name: Lenny Dykstra
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Outfield
Value of card: One used pair of orange short-shorts (men's, size XXL)
Key 1993 stat: Often distracted
Lenny Dykstra's train of thought at 2:15 p.m., June 22, 1993: "Now that's a great advertisement! I could just stand here and look at it all day. Wait, why is everyone screaming at me? Oh crap, the game started? Fly ball? Where? Oh hell, it's coming right at me!" (Looks up, crumples to the ground, catches ball) "Whew, caught it! Man, that was close. Why did they put such a distracting photo out here, anyway? Oh, hey, look! There are hot wings in it, too!"

Lenny Dykstra, 1994 Upper Deck

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Name: Nate Newton
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Santa Claus
Value of card: Half an ounce of myrrh
Key 1993 stat: Four bunches of mistletoe eaten
Merry Christmas from the Bust: We were totally going to get you a gift, but we must have lost your address. Instead, please share in the bounty that Nate Newton and these two cheerleaders received.

• The cheerleader on the left received: An empty box, three square feet of golden wrapping paper and a fancy bow.
• The cheerleader on the right received: A new pair of tights that don't quite match her skin tone, a gift certificate for a touch-up for her femullet and an unwanted advance from the Pinnacle photographer.
• Nate Newton received: Two ham sandwiches, a handle of Southern Comfort and a pound of plant matter that didn't come from those trees in the background.

Nate Newton, 1993 Pinnacle NFL Properties (Christmas Day Special)

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Name: Dennis Rodman
Team: Chicago Bulls
Positions: Bride, forward
Value of card: 
Key 1996 stat: Wore a white dress, even though we all know he's not exactly pure
I don't: Tradition states that every bride needs something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Now, while there's very little that's traditional about Dennis Rodman, let's see what we've got here.

Something old: Rodman's bender was at least on Week 2 at this point
Something new: Word was that Rodman had just gotten another nipple piercing the night before
Something borrowed: The wig? The undergarments? Whatever it was, we're sure that the original owner didn't want it back.
Something blue: Any collector who opened a pack and found this card

Dennis Rodman, 2011 Leaf Pop Century (Heinous Hoops Week No. 3)

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Name: Jim "Ripley" McMahon
Team: Chicago Bears, Nostromo
Position: Quarterback; warrant officer, lieutenant
Value of card: Two green, glowing eggs
Key 1984 stat: 12 times sacked — by a face-hugger
All hail a sci-fi hero for women: She broke through barriers and blasted otherworldly creatures. She befriended cyborgs and helped mother a Newt. She was Ellen Ripley, the protagonist of the "Alien" franchise, and she is pictured above. Ripley was known for her grit as much as her muscles, and her brunette curls became iconic on their own until they were shaved off in "Alien 3." She was a fighter, a leader, a role model for girls everywhere. Her power and tenacity changed how people thought about women. So much so, it wouldn't be alien to see her on a football field.

Jim McMahon, 1985 Topps (Football Friday No. 170)

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Name: Jackie Joyner-Kersee
Events: Heptathlon and long jump
Medal count: 3 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze (in four different Olympics!)
Value of card: Seven grains of salt
Key 1992 stat: 24 mispronunciations of the word "discus"
Lucky number seven: Jackie Joyner-Kersee was an American badass in the heptathlon, setting a still-standing record at the 1988 Summer Games. But she didn't stop at seven events, oh no; here are some others in which she dominated the world:

• Seoul Soul singing while throwing a javelin
• Pillow fighting
• Lawn darts
• Shotgunning an Old Milwaukee
• Olympic Family Feud

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 13)

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Name: Mary Lou Retton
Event: Gymnastics
Medal count: 1 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Its value is not recognized in the Eastern Bloc nations. Or anywhere, really.
Key 1984 stat: Upper legs the size of Greek columns
Little Miss Perfect: Mary Lou Retton was America's sweetheart in 1984 after becoming the first woman from the U.S. to win the Olympic gymnastics all-around title. Of course, everyone has secrets. Here are a handful of things that might make you change your opinion about this "innocent" creature:

• In 1983, she found $5 on the ground and didn't turn it in to lost and found
• In middle school, she wrote in some of her textbooks. In ink!
• She has four children, which means she definitely did you-know-what with a boy several times.
• She probably had to kiss a communist or two on the cheek during her career.
• In 1993, she was in an episode of "Baywatch," aka "Smutwatch."
• Well, just look at that outfit!

Mary Lou Retton, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 10)

Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

Name: Andrea Lloyd
Event: Basketball
Medal count: 1 gold
Value of card: An autographed image of Sideshow Bob
Key 1988 stat: Beat the tar out of some communists
Fun facts about 1988 U.S. Olympic basketball gold medalist Andrea Lloyd and the nation of Cuba, the nation she's playing against in this photo:

• Cuba has a large number of palm trees. Andrea Lloyd's hair looks like a palm tree.
• Cuba is not known for treating journalists kindly. Andrea Lloyd would probably like to punch this photographer in the neck.
• One of Cuba's top resources is nickel. This Andrea Lloyd card is worth less than a nickel.
• Cuba has been under the control of one family since the late 1950s. That's about the time Andrea Lloyd's knee brace was made.
• Some people travel to Cuba to have cheap dentistry work done. Hint, hint, Andrea Lloyd.

Andrea Lloyd, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 8)

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Name: Sarah Josephson
Event: Synchronized swimming
Medal count: 1 gold, 1 silver
Value of card: An air bubble (not from the nose or mouth)
Key 1992 stat: Synchronized everything except Swatches
Sarah Josephson and synchronized swimming, by the numbers:

1: Number of people on this card named Sarah Josephson
1: Number of people on this card who are Sarah Josephson's twin sister, Karen
0: Idea which one is which
15: Pounds of waterproof makeup applied before each competition
2: Olympic medals
2: Olympic medals in synchronized swimming, which is not a real sport
30: In seconds, airtime that will be dedicated to synchronized swimming over the next two weeks
100: Percent chance we'll still fist-pump if the U.S. takes gold in it

Sarah Josephson, 1992 U.S. OlympiCards (Summer Olympics Special No. 2)

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Name: Ron Darling
Team: New York Mets
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Zero diamonds; zero cubic zirconia
Key 1987 stat: 14 ounces of mascara
Welcome, poor souls, to Dreadful Diamond Kings Week: Over the past two years, we've had the guts to bring you Atrocious Diamond Kings Week and God-Awful Diamond Kings Week, but we're not stopping there. Oh, no. As baseball season sweetly swings into gear, it's time for seven days of lousy illustrations and lousier write-ups. Thanks, in advance, for not hunting us down and stoning us to death.

So what makes a Donruss Diamond Kings card "dreadful"? Let's take a look. First, Mr. Darling looks quite darling, what with the eye shadow, mascara and strikingly feminine eyes. His eyes are so seductive, in fact, that it's hard to notice the uneven eyebrows or the nose that looks like it was smashed with a mallet. Next, let's ask an important question about this illustration: Why is a tiny right-handed Tom Glavine throwing a fastball from Darling's shoulder? In closing, what was the esteemed artist, Mr. Perez, trying to accomplish with a background of Cheetos? We're pretty sure this card is cheesy enough.

Ron Darling, 1988 Donruss Diamond Kings (Dreadful Diamond Kings Week No. 1)

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)



Name: Martina Navratilova
Country: United States
Value of card: Headband sweat
Key 1991 stat: 60-pound leg muscles
Clearing up some rumors about Martina Navratilova:

• No, Martina Navratilova is not a man, nor has she ever been. They did tests and everything, so stop asking and grow up already. Sheesh.
• While it's true that Navratilova, with her thigh muscles the size of tree trunks, could kick your ass, she doesn't actually want to. Yet.
• Navratilova does in fact bear a resemblance to Tom Petty. But what you may not know is that Navratilova is the better singer.
• No, her haircut is not more ridiculous than Andre Agassi's. It is taller, however.
• Yes, with its pastel floral pattern on all items of clothing, including the awesome headband, this is the ultimate 1990s women's tennis outfit. And yes, Martina Navratilova still wears it.

Martina Navratilova, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 6)

Peanut Louie Harper, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 3)

Name: Peanut Louie Harper
Country: United States
Value of card: Four empty peanut shells
Key 1991 stat: 42,118,239,002 jokes about her name
Get ready to groan: Life's not easy for a tennis player named Peanut. But Peanut Louie Harper learned to take the crunchy with the smooth. Sure, she heard enough jokes about her name to make her nuts, but she refused to let those people turn her into a shell of her former self. They'd pour salt into the wound, but Peanut never cracked under the pressure — she just wasn't that brittle. Instead, she planted her feet, cultivated her talent and ended up roasting the competition.

Peanut Louie Harper, 1991 NetPro (Wimbledon Week No. 3)

Alma Ziegler, 1992 Ted Williams Women of Baseball

Name: Mr. Alma Ziegler

Team: Grand Rapids Chicks

Position: Second base

Value of card: What's it to ya, toots?

Key 1944 stat: Zero times wearing a cup

The incredible Mr. Ziegler: Alma Ziegler was a man's man. He was a wrestling and baseball star growing up, and, as seen above, he could sweat with the best of them. He was drafted out of high school by the Milwaukee Braves and seemed to be on the fast track to success, but he had a problem: pants. Most men put them on one leg at a time, but Ziegler wouldn't put them on at all. He felt constricted, he said, and his numbers backed up his claim: While wearing pants, Ziegler batted .126 with no home runs; while wearing shorts, or, later in his career, a dress, he batted .339 and averaged 27 home runs a season. Despite his numbers, Ziegler was run out of Major League Baseball. He ended up playing with the Grand Rapids Chicks of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, where he was named the MVP (Most Valuable Player) in 1950 and won MVL (Moist, Voluptuous Legs) from 1944 to 1951.

Alma Ziegler, 1992 Ted Williams Women of Baseball