Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Tony Womack
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: Second base
Value of card: An ounce of Juicy Juice
Key 1997stat: Four binkies used (not counting his daughter's)
It's a father-daughter Matchup on the Bust:

Round 1: Bigger thirst (Winner: Father)
Round 2: More likely to wet themselves in half an hour (Winner: Tie)
Round 3: More stuffed animals owned (Winner: Daughter)
Round 4: More stuffed animals slept with at night (Winner: Father)
Round 5: Bigger base-stealing threat (Winner: Father)
Round 6: Bigger cookie-stealing threat (Winner: Also father)
Round 7: More likely to make you feel old when you realize she's probably, like, 18 now (Winner: Daughter)

Final score: Tony Womack 4, daughter 2 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: Tony ran laps around his little girl, but that doesn't mean that little munchkin didn't steal our hearts. D'awwww.

Card submitted by John Stoddert

Tony Womack, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Name: Golden Richards
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's worth its weight in gold, divided by zero
Key 1977 stat: Punched anyone who called him by his given name, John
A real golden boy: Mr. Richards here preferred to go by his middle name, Golden. Here are a few other nicknames bestowed upon him by his teammates.

• The Towheaded Towel Boy
• Butterfingers
• Nancy
• The Blond Benchwarmer
• Goldenbangs

Golden Richards, 1977 Topps (Football Friday No. 215)

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Name: Mike Piazza
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 11 pieces of burnt pepperoni
Key 1997 stat: 51 Italian food dinners with Tommy Lasorda
Here's how Mike Piazza spent spring training:

• Sculpting his mustache with tweezers.
• Shopping at the Oakley store for only-awesome-in-the-1990s shades.
• Running laps ... around the Vero Beach, Fla., nightclub scene
• Catching more flak than baseballs.
• Spring potty training.

Mike Piazza, 1998 Score Spring Training

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Names: Rafael Palmerio, from left, Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez
Team: Texas Rangers
Positions: First base, left field, right field and catcher, respectively
Value of card: Four empty vials
Key 1992 stat: Blue belts for everybody!
Four Latin stars enter (sorry, Julio Franco), only one can win in this Matchup:

Round 1: Embarrassing lack of facial hair (Winner: Canseco)
Round 2: Embarrassing lack of mullet (Winner: Rodriguez)
Round 3: Fondness for wristbands (Winner: Canseco)
Round 4: Gently caressing another player's neck (Winner: Gonzalez)
Round 5: Smugness (Winner: Canseco)
Round 6: Crossing the streams (Winner: Tie between Palmeiro and Rodriguez)
Round 7: Biding his time before ratting out his teammates (Winner: Canseco)

Bonus round: More prescient advertising slogan on the billboards in the back (Winner: "The Formula of the Future")

Final score: Canseco 4, Rodriguez 1, Gonzalez 1, Palmeiro 0 (Ties: 1)

Synopsis: All of these guys were accused of playing dirty at some point, but it was Canseco who outmuscled the competition on his way to victory. His tell-all book about this Matchup should be coming out any day now.

Latin Stars, 1993 Upper Deck

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Name: Marshall Faulk
Team: Indianapolis Colts
Position: Running back
Value of card: Who gives a Faulk?
Key 1994 stat: Almost died 372 times
Here's a drug test anyone can pass: What's the most dangerous thing Marshall Faulk is trying to elude in the above card?

(A) The fire snake that appears to have taken off his lower left leg
(B) The crazed Indy car driver who's trying to run him down
(C) The poisonous gas cloud that's rolling in behind the car
(D) The shards of glass that are falling from the sky
(E) The tripped-out artist who has put him in this situation to begin with

Marshall Faulk, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 6)

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Names: Drew Bledsoe, Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor
Teams: New England Patriots, 13 colonies
Positions: Quarterback, infantry
Value of card: 1 Massachusetts pound (no longer in circulation)
Key 1994 stat: Zero times sacked when protected by a guy with a gun
It's time for a revolutionary edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Awesomeness of hat (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 2: Intricacy of uniform (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 3: Manly look on face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 4: Height (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 5: Courage (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 6: Ability to shoot you in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)
Round 7: Ability to shoot dirty Redcoats in the face (Winner: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor)

Score: Nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor 7, Drew Bledsoe zero

Synopsis: It was never much of a contest, and who can blame Bledsoe or the judges? The nameless Revolutionary War Re-enactment Actor has a big gun and looks like he's ready to squeeze the trigger until it goes "pop ... pop."

Drew Bledsoe, 1995 Fleer Pro-Vision (Sequel to Stoner Illustration Week No. 3)

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Like the card, mini-mal
Key 1988 stat: 1 missing E in last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 4:16 to 4:17 p.m. July 21, 1988: "Hmm ... what am I doing here? ... Hmm ... Oh, that's right, I'm here to play baseball. ... Baaaasssseeebaaallllll ... Man, this helmet doesn't fit right. ... It's so small. ... In fact, this whole environment seems small. ... Whoa. ... It's like I've shrunk. ... What is happening around me? ... Where ... am ... I? ... It's as if I've become ... mini. ... I'm mini. ... Damn you, Topps! ... Damn you!"

Kent Hrbek, 1989 Topps Mini

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Name: "Gary Pettis"
Team: California Angels
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 14 plucked nose hairs
Key 1984 stat: One stand-in at the photo shoot
It's time for an angelic pop quiz:

What's "Gary Pettis" pointing at?

(A) His sixth-grade classmate.
(B) A handful of teammates making fun of this pose.
(C) Someone else with freakishly huge hands.
(D) He's not pointing; he's using the wrong finger to signal his dissatisfaction with this card.
(E) All of the above.

Gary Pettis, 1985 Topps

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Name: Sean Berry
Team: Memphis Chicks
Position: Third base
Value of card: One berry, eaten by a baby chicken and then crapped out
Key 1989 stat: Was a Chick
Well, well, another winner: Oh, just fantastic work here, ProCards. We won't even worry about your card design, with the giant block of red not even half-filled with that text that looks like it was stamped on. What the crap is this photo? Did your photographer half-ass it because he was disappointed that the Memphis Chicks were not, in fact a women's baseball team? Or did this consummate professional intentionally have everyone pose so that their faces would be buried in shadow? Whatever the case, one thing is for certain: this whole card was triple-A-ball, indeed.

Sean Berry, 1990 ProCards

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

Name: Willie Stargell
Team: Pittsburgh Pirates
Position: First base
Value of card: Two of those ironed-on stars on his cap
Key 1980 stat: 16 inches of stirrups
It's time for The Caption, which most likely did not run in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in the early 1980s: "Hall of Famer and Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Willie Stargell (center) sinks under the weight of his massive flip-down sunglasses while wearing a bumblebee Halloween costume featuring a Little League cap, a YMCA-turned-Goodwill wristband and stirrups long enough to serve as a car's timing belt during a game against the Cubs in the laughably cold Windy City weather in April 1980 at Wrigley Field in Chicago on Tuesday or maybe Wednesday."

Willie Stargell, 1981 Donruss

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Name: John Mayberry
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base/premier-but (*snicker*)
Value of card: One ounce of pork butt
Key 1982 stat: Didn't speak French
O-Pee-Chee gets bold: Hey, we liked John Mayberry as much as the next guy, but to say he has a premier butt? And then to not even show said butt on the card? You've got some explaining to do here, O-Pee-Chee. Kim and Jennifer want to know exactly what it is John has that they don't. Is it the pinstripes? The tight baseball pants? The fact that he bends over and stretches a lot? ... What's that? "Premier-but" is French for "first baseman"? Now that's hilarious.

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Name: Benny Santiago
Team: San Diego Padres
Position: Catcher
Value of card: 2 ounces of baseline chalk
Key 1990 stat: 3 pounds of mustache hair
Top 10 things Benny Santiago could be looking at:
10) A seagull about to deposit a lil' somethin' somethin' on his forehead.
9) Tony Gwynn floating above Jack Murphy Stadium.
8) A scoreboard showing, unsurprisingly, that the Padres were trailing.
7) He's not looking at the sky; he's in the middle of an interpretive dance routine.
6) The lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it read Benny Santiago's a pimp.
5) His soul escaping out of embarrassment after he agreed to pose for this card.
4) The San Diego Chicken taking his job a little too seriously.
3) A popup ... that's now on the ground.
2) The jheri curl mullet juice that flew into the air when Santiago whipped off his mask.
1) A self-satisfied Topps photographer balancing on a ladder.

Benny Santiago, 1991 Topps

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Name: Dave Smith
Team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: It's hair-raisingly low
Key 1972 stat: One severe stomachache during a photo shoot
Here's what Dave Smith stands for:

Determined look on face actually caused by constipation
Attempted the Soaring Mushroom® by sticking his finger in an electric socket
Veiny forearms are a bit unnerving
Electing to use red and green for the type on this card was a solid choice

Sleeves are elegantly rolled in at the cuff
Masculine jawline had the ladies and Terry Bradshaw swooning
Inside that 'fro resides a family of groundhogs
Team leader in 1971 in touchdown receptions and clogged drains
Hairstyle was an inspiration for years to come

Dave Smith, 1972 Topps (Football Friday No. 185)

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Name: Carlos Garcia
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Second base
Value of card: Burning garbage
Key 1997 stat: Thought it was OK to look like this in public
Don't ask: Why is Carlos Garcia wearing that, erm, thing around his head?

A) Out of sympathy for his dog, Cheesestick, who was wearing a cone after getting fixed.
B) To keep himself from gnawing at his nethers, because he also just got fixed.
C) To cover up a giant hickey on his neck. Because this is much less embarrassing.
D) He was modeling his latest fashion idea, the SuperTurtleneck.
E) To block out the constant booing of the fans.

Carlos Garcia, 1997 Score

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Name: Danny Ainge
Team: Toronto Blue Jays
Position: Infield, outfield, shooting guard, whatever
Value of card: Two tainted meatballs
Key 1981 stat: 1-for-9 from the 3-point line
10 reasons Danny Ainge couldn't hack it as a major-leaguer:
10) He'd try to dribble a ground ball after it was hit to him.
9) He'd set screens on the base paths.
8) He kept watching the clock.
7) He'd play man-to-man defense in the outfield.
6) He'd sneakily paint all the balls orange.
5) He'd catch a pitched ball with his bare hands when he was batting and chest-pass it to the guy in the on-deck circle.
4) He kept crossing out "Blue Jays" on his jersey and writing "Celtics."
3) He made his jockstrap and cup out of a nylon net.
2) He made teammates nervous by talking about "hardwood."
1) He wouldn't take off his shorts.

Danny Ainge, 1982 Donruss

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Name: Darryl Strawberry
Team: New York Mets
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Radiation poisoning
Key 1990 stat: Cocaine was a hell of a drug
An illustrative pop quiz: What's the deal with Straw's bat?

A) You see, the artist was indicating that the bat was a nuclear weapon, representing Darryl's power. Silly.
B) It wasn't the first time Strawberry was associated with lines.
C) Who cares? What I want to know is why is the moon in so many of these stupid cards?
D) It burns! IT BURNS!
E) No, but really, it's A.

Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Fleer Pro-Visions

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Name: Kent Hrbek
Team: Minnesota Twins
Position: First base
Value of card: Twin pennies
Key 1991 stat: Three consonants to start five-letter last name
Kent Hrbek's train of thought from 5:34 to 5:35 p.m. Aug. 15, 1991: "Hey, get a load of that photographer over there. I'm going to make him laugh. Let's see, how about I stick out my tongue? No, that's too juvenile. How about I put my palms to my mouth and make farting sounds? No, I'd swallow the pine tar on my batting glove. I know, I'll give him my best Elvis impersonation. And here we go: A hu-huh-how. ... What the? It's ... it's ... it's ... stuck! Lord, help! My face is stuck! My Elvis face is stuck. Help! Help! Kirby, anybody, help! I got my blue suede shoes. Help! Everybody was dancing to the jailhouse rock. Help! Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Help! Wise men say, only fools rush in ..."

Kent Hrbek, 1992 Donruss Triple Play

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Name: Michael Irvin
Team: Dallas Cowboys
Position: Wide receiver
Value of card: 11 pairs of used practice Spandex
Key 1990 stat: Zero milliseconds being humble
More than a staircase: Michael Irvin is one of the greatest wide receivers of the past 25 years, but he was known to have experienced drug addiction. He's now clean, and we would bet that's thanks to a 12-step program. We'd also bet it's no coincidence that Irvin was pictured on a set of steps in a card. So, because of the absurdity above, we here at The Bust devised Irvin's early 1990s 12-step program:

Step 1: Admitted he was powerless over posing for ridiculous football cards — that his life had become unmanageable.
Step 2: Came to believe a power greater than himself had restored him to fashion sanity.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn his will and his life over to the care of forgoing wristbands as he understood it.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of his closets.
Step 5: Admitted to God, himself and another human being (Emmitt Smith) the exact nature of his Spandex wrongs.
Step 6: Was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of dressing himself.
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove his short-shorts shortcomings.
Step 8: Made a list of all the people he had harmed, and became willing to provide his fake jewelry to them all.
Step 9: Made a direct amends to such people whenever possible, even if they had broke out into uncontrollable laughter upon seeing how he dressed.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when he was wrong, he promptly changed his clothes.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with the Barney's saleswoman, praying only for knowledge of her will and the power to carry it out.
Step 12: Having had a fashion awakening as a result of these steps, he tried to carry the message to other early 1990s style addicts, and to practice the principles in all his affairs.

Michael Irvin, 1991 Pro Line Portraits (Shameful Sunday Portraits No. 29)

Yasiel Puig, 2013 Topps Update

Name: Yasiel Puig
Team: Los Angeles Dodgers
Position: Outfield
Value of card: More than a Fernando Valenzuela rookie card
Key 2013 stat: One forgettable season-ending game
It's a current-events pop quiz: What's Yasiel Puig up to in this photo?

A) Stepping up his defense after last night's Game 6
B) Borrowing Mickey Hatcher's glove
C) Taking a break from flipping his bat
D) Not playing the game the right way      there's no way that's legal equipment
E) All of the above

Yasiel Puig, 2013 Topps Update