Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Name: juan GONZALEZ
Team: texas RANGERS
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Anger hotter than the fire of a thousand suns
Key 1994 stat: No love lost
It's a collector's choice pop quiz: What did Reggie Jackson say to torque off Juan Gone?

A) Reggie asked why Juan put so much eye black on his lip.
B) Reggie asked if Juan realized that there would be photographers around.
C) Reggie told Juan he had a nice swing      and then asked if Juan's husband played.
D) Mr. October said Juan reminded him of Miss November.
E) None of the above. Juan just didn't like anybody.

Juan Gonzalez, 1995 Upper Deck Collector's Choice

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Name: Kevin Mmahat
Team: Columbus Clippers
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Mmm, nada
Key 1989 stat: Mmm, still searching
New York Yankees' scouting report on prospect Kevin Mmhat: "Mmm, can't quite figure it out, but there's something about that name I like. ... With that many M's in his last name, maybe he has a few K's in that arm. ... Has a 'hat' in his last name and we wear hats. It's a match! ... According to his glove, his nickname is 'Hat.' So creative. Sounds like a Yankee to me. ... Wait, how the hell do you pronounce this? Ma-hat. Em-em-hat. Ems-hat. Em-ma-hat. Screw it, let's keep him in the minors."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Kevin Mmahat, 1990 CMC

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Name: Rich Batchelor
Team: Fort Lauderdale Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: 6 square inches of tarp
Key 1990 stat: Zero runs allowed during rain delays
Yankees' scouting report on pitching prospect Rich Batchelor: "From our research, he does well in an empty stadium with no other players on the field. ... Despite being a Batchelor, we don't need to worry about him getting sidetracked with the ladies. ... If he doesn't work out, we could deal him to the 'Revenge of the Nerds' production team. ... We can foresee a future on the New York Yankees, as the assistant to the traveling secretary. ... Rich Batchelor, poor pitcher."

Card submitted by Al Filipczak

Rich Batchelor, 1991 Classic Best

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Old pitcher
Value of card: An ounce of Vitalis hair tonic
Key 1988 stat: 82 kids yelled at for being on lawn
Here's a Caption that, as far as we know, ran in the New York Daily News circa 1988: "Yankees pitcher Tommy John, left, and fellow Alhambra Senior Apartments resident and pitching coach Art Fowler discuss removing John from his start against the Baltimore Orioles so that both can still make the early-bird special at Furr's and be back at the team hotel in time to watch 'Matlock' on Tuesday at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Md."

Tommy John, 1989 Upper Deck

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

Name: Randy Velarde
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Infield
Value of card: Bend over and we'll show ya
Key 1988 stat: 27 times accosted by second baseman Willie Randolph
It's time for yet another homoerotic pop quiz:

What in the living hell is going on here?

(A) Teammate Wille Randolph is playing Tickle Monster.
(B) It's what the announcer called the "really, really exaggerated shift."
(C) Love. Sweet, sweet love.
(D) This is how the Yankees pick "Season's Best Bulge."
(E) All of the above.

Randy Velarde, 1989 Upper Deck

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Name: John Elway
Team: Oneonta Yankees
Position: Quarterback Outfield
Value of card: It's not a mile high
Key 1998 stat: 10 interceptions
New York Yankees' scouting report on minor-league prospect John Elway: "I've seen a lot of pros, and this kid will never be a pro at anything. ... Looks kind of like a horse. Maybe he should play for the Broncos (laughter fills room). ... He's got a good bat but he really needs to work on that arm. ... He's got a face that would look better with a helmet over it. ... Judging solely from this painting of him, he might have a career as a Diamond King. ... I'd bet my salary we never hear about this Elway kid again."

John Elway, 1999 Just Imagine

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Name: Tommy John
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: It's value is fuzzy
Key 1981 stat: Zero revolutionary surgeries
Photos so crisp, it's like you're at the ballpark: Above we see another fine example of that world-renowned Topps quality in the 1980s. But the blurry, washed-out picture on this card had to beat out a handful of other options, one would think      they were probably as follows:

• A blurry photo of Tommy John's windup from the back side
• A blurry photo of Tommy John standing in the dugout
• A blurry photo of Tommy John picking his nose
• A blurry photo of Tommy John's UCL scar
• A blurry photo of some guy named John Thomas
• A perfectly clear photo of Reggie Jackson with Tommy John in the background

Tommy John, 1982 Topps

Mike Griffin, 1981 Fleer

Name: Mike Griffin
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: So little, those creases don't decrease the value
Key 1980 stat: Hold on, we're still looking ... looking ... looking ...
This card is so bad, it's time for a rant: Excellent work, Fleer. Once again, you fine folks have outdone yourselves. What a photo choice. So much action. Mike Griffin just jumps off the cardboard and into our living rooms. Few things in sports are more exciting than a pitcher hanging out in the dugout watching a game. Riveting stuff. And don't worry about getting a shot of this guy in his real uniform. Collectors everywhere prefer shots of guys that make them look like they're on a beer league softball team. We must give you kudos, however, for choosing to keep the random flannel guy in the crop. Totally necessary. Well, at least this card has one redeeming quality: Griffin looks a lot like Larry Bird.

Mike Griffin, 1981 Fleer

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Name: Oscar Gamble
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: $10 in the hole if you Gamble
Key 1980 stat: 26 teeth in a sensational smile
It's the Bust's biggest superstar: Oscar Gamble was a good baseball player. He finished his career with 200 home runs and (mark of the devil) 666 RBIs. But he's best-known for being the subject of what is arguably the hairiest baseball card of all time. In the 1981 Fleer card above, Gamble has, it seems, matured a bit and trimmed down his famous 'fro to a manageable size. It might not look as good at the club, but the Yankees cap fits better. He's still rockin' an all-star mustache and enviable sideburns, and it appears he's happy with the more professional look. We here at the Bust respect Oscar's decision to clean it up, but when it comes to unique visitors on this laughable blog, anything other than the most-viewed 1977 Topps Traded afro spectacular is a gamble.

Oscar Gamble, 1981 Fleer

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

Name: Steve Balboni
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: Pretty sure it's worth at least $100
Key 1989 stat: Zero bunts
Here's what Steve Balboni stands for:

Stripes not quite slimming
Total package: power, charisma, mustache
Everyman who inspired couch potatoes everywhere
Veal scallopini shortage in New York during his days with the Yankees
Ego was never a problem; Eggos, that's another story

Boiler proved this guy had guts
Another career option: angry police detective, shirt slightly untucked
Lip sweater would make Tom Selleck jealous
Best stat: one career stolen base
One hundred eighty-one career home runs is nothing to shake a hoagie at
Nearly elected to the Name Hall of Fame
Inspired countless jokes from kids in the 1980s and early '90s who called each other "Balboners"

Steve Balboni, 1990 Leaf

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Name: John Mayberry
Team: New York Yankees
Position: First base/premier-but (*snicker*)
Value of card: One ounce of pork butt
Key 1982 stat: Didn't speak French
O-Pee-Chee gets bold: Hey, we liked John Mayberry as much as the next guy, but to say he has a premier butt? And then to not even show said butt on the card? You've got some explaining to do here, O-Pee-Chee. Kim and Jennifer want to know exactly what it is John has that they don't. Is it the pinstripes? The tight baseball pants? The fact that he bends over and stretches a lot? ... What's that? "Premier-but" is French for "first baseman"? Now that's hilarious.

John Mayberry, 1983 O-Pee-Chee

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Name: Wade Boggs
Team: New York Yankees Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Positions: Third base, free agent
Value of card: 50 cents off whatever that crap is that he's putting on his chin
Key 1997 stat: Put a bunch of that crap on his chin
Wait a minute: What is that crap Wade Boggs is putting on his chin?

A) Deodorant for that huge chin-pit of his
B) Edible sunscreen
C) The world's largest tube of ChapStick, misapplied
D) Ointment for butt-chin rash
E) None of the above

Wade Boggs, 1998 Pinnacle Inside

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Name: Ron Davis
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: What's less than zilch? Zilch minus 1? Yes, zilch minus 1, that's what this card is worth
Key 1980 stat: It's unclear
Let's see what Ron Davis stands for:

Resolution of this card is tremendous
Obviously, quality was job No. 1 for Donruss
Negatives of this card: Innumerable

Did the photographer try to color-correct a negative?
Another example of the attention given to photo sharpness in early 1980s baseball cards
Viewing this card makes you think you've been drinking
It's like you're looking at this card through Ron Davis' glasses
Steinbrenner tried to fire the entire Donruss executive team after seeing this card

Ron Davis, 1981 Donruss

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Name: Bernie Williams
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Six strings (actual pieces of string)
Key 1997 stat: 12 sold-out concerts (in his basement with only his cats in attendance)
10 love songs that Bernie Williams wrote in the 1990s:
10) "Striking Out on Love"
9) "My Dinger is Yours"
8) "Touch 'Em All"
7) "My Sweet Spot is You"
6) "The Hot Hot Corner"
5) "Much More than Chin Music"
4) "Bang-Bang Play"
3) "Caught Looking (At Your Butt)"
2) "The Rubber Game"
1) "In the Hole"

Bernie Williams, 1998 Fleer Ultra

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Name: Billy Sample
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: 6 ounces of puddle water from a Bronx gutter
Key 1985 stat: 364 sessions of teeth-whitening
It's time for another pop quiz:

Why is Billy Sample tipping his cap?

(A) He was just chosen as having Major League Baseball's best hat hair.
(B) The Statistics Professors of America just selected him as a sample of the best surname in the country.
(C) Nine out of 10 dentists agreed, that's one helluva smile.
(D) He knew he needed to do something if he was going to be on a baseball card in a T-shirt.
(E) He figured it was better than tipping his cup.
(F) All of the above.

Billy Sample, 1986 Fleer

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Name: Lance McCullers
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Relief pitcher
Value of card: Its value isn't worth a second look
Key 1989 stat: 1,271 pitches thrown, but not seen
It's time for a reader-submitted pop quiz:

Why isn't Lance McCullers looking at his pitch?

(A) He understands what the result will be.
(B) He's intimidated by the out-of-focus Blue Jays player wearing a pair of culottes.
(C) George Steinbrenner was standing behind the plate, shirtless.
(D) He's not pitching; he's passing gas in an exaggerated manner.
(E) All of the above.

Card submitted by Sean Griffin

Lance McCullers, 1990 Score

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Name: Doug Bird
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: Two scrambled eggs, complete with eggshells
Key 1980 stat: Bird was not the word
Fun facts about not-very-good pitcher Doug Bird and actual birds:

• Most actual birds use their wings to fly. Doug Bird's wings couldn't get him off the ground, but they did stick out from under his hat.
• Birds use their beaks for many purposes including hunting, grooming and courtship. Doug Bird used his mustache for many purposes, including saving food for later and courtship, but seldom was grooming involved.
• Birds reproduce by laying and hatching eggs. Doug Bird once ate 74 eggs in one day.
• Some birds, like pelicans, can store pounds of food in their gullets. Doug Bird is seen above storing pounds of chew in his gullet.
• Many birds are lithe and graceful. Doug Bird once tripped over his own rosin bag.

Doug Bird, 1981 Fleer

Lou Piniella, 1981 Fleer

Name: Lou Piniella
Team: New York Yankees
Position: Outfield
Value of card: "Why don't you go ask somebody who (expletive) cares?"
Key 1980 stat: "Bend over and I'll show ya!"
It's time for an anger-filled pop quiz:

What was the often-argumentative Lou Piniella's reaction to seeing The Bust for the first time?

(A) "What kind of numbnuts losers spend their (expletive) time on something so stupid?"
(B) "This (expletive) website makes my (expletive) jockstrap ride to places this site would probably like to write about."
(C) "I took one look at this piece of (expletive), swallowed my (expletive) chew and threw up all over the (expletive) computer."
(D) "Genius! Just kidding. This (expletive) is (expletive) (expletive). I wouldn't feed this horse (expletive) to my dead (expletive) dog."
(E) "Both of the readers must be proud."
(F) All of the above

Lou Piniella, 1981 Fleer

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Names: Young Graig Nettles, Old Graig Nettles
Teams: Minnesota Twins, New York Yankees, respectively
Positions: Third base (both)
Value of card: Inflation's rise between 1967 and 1983 (multiplied by zero)
Key 1982 stat: 234 hours wishing it were 1967
It's time for a young-vs.-old edition of The Matchup:

Round 1: Ridiculous spelling of "Greg" (Winner: Tie)
Round 2: Fantastic Sam's little boy's special haircut (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 3: Veteran hair wings (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 4: Slightly agape mouth (Winner: Tie)
Round 5: Penchant for playing marbles between innings (Winner: Young Nettles)
Round 6: Ability to pose for (cough, cough) game-action shots (Winner: Old Nettles)
Round 7: Poised in position to smack his counterpart in the back of the head with a baseball bat (Winner: Old Nettles)

Score: Old Nettles 3, Young Nettles 2, Ties 2

Synopsis: The young and old versions of Graig Nettles did battle, and things were tense, but in the end, the veteran soothed the rookie into complacency before setting him up like an Incrediball on a tee.

Graig Nettles, 1983 Topps Super Veteran

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)

Name: Don Mattingly
Teams: New York Yankees, East Hampton Sailing Club
Position: First base
Value of card: One used country club napkin
Key 1987 stat: Refused to wear white after Labor Day, even for home games
Places you've seen that sweater before:

• In your step-grandfather's dresser, while snooping for money
• At Goodwill, after your step-grandfather died
• On one of the extras in "Caddyshack"
• At the golf course, worn by some guy who was working on his putts
• On a mustachioed first baseman who was making a foppish entrance into a room
• Considering it was Mattingly's, probably nowhere in October

Don Mattingly, 2012 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions (Goodwin Champions Week No. 5)