Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Name: Tom Glavine
Team: Atlanta Boston Braves
Position: Ace
Value of card: One ha'penny
Key 1924 stat: Frowned upon that new style of music called "jazz"
Tom Glavine's 1920s-era Internet dating profile (yes, we know it doesn't make any sense      have you been here before?):

Screen name: Thomas Michael "Tom" Glavine
Age: A hale 28
Height: 18 hands
Weight: 1.75 hundredweights
Hair color: Tawny
Hairstyle: Slicked back
Ethnicity: American
Religious views: Quaker
Marital status: My parents are still looking for a match
Want children? To pull the plow
Best feature: Stirrups
Smoke? Sure, the doctor says it's healthy
Drink? And how! Er, I mean, I'm no bootlegger!

Seeking: A classy dame
Location: The backseat of my Model T, er, that is, Boston!
Her body type: Corseted
Her ethnicity: Scandalous!

About me: I'm a simple farmer who plays ball during the dog days. I'm looking for a simple doll who isn't afraid to crank up the horseless carriage and hit the road for exotic locales like Cleveland and even St. Louis. I've caroused with my share of flappers, but I believe my speakeasy days are in the past. I'm ready to settle down with a loving bird and do the Lord's work. ... Oh, applesauce, why do I jest? I can't get enough of the hooch and the molls who come with it. Let's you and me get dolled up, get fried, and get some nookie.

Tom Glavine, 1994 Score Dream Team (Dream Team Week No. 7)

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Name: Granville Wilbur "Granny" Hamner
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Position: Second base
Value of card: $1 off at the movies
Key 1958 stat: Back in his day, you could buy a candy bar for a nickel
Learn from your elders with this pop quiz: How did Granville Hamner get his nickname?

A) From a bunch of unimaginative teammates who would later go on to write an unimaginative baseball card blog
B) His two-hand, underhand throwing style, seen above
C) His inappropriate fawning over every baby he saw
D) His saggy man-boobs
E) Dude wore a diaper

Granny Hamner, 1959 Topps

Mike Benjamin, 1992 Upper Deck

Name: Mike "Lil' Hands" Benjamin
Team: New York Giants, circa 1892
Position: Second basetender
Value of card: 25-cent Civil War-era fractional currency
Key 1892 stat: 27 "tallies" at home base
The Legend of "Lil' Hands": Mike Benjamin was born in a pepper patch in Monks Hammock, La., to a mother who spit with a Cajun accent and a sailor who died of scurvy two weeks after the birth. Mike grew up chasing metal rings with sticks and catching rodents with only his cunning and the raccoon meat he'd secretly regurgitate after his small supper meals. He also grew up alone. The other children who lived in Louisiana houses of sin and back-country caves shunned him because his hands stopped growing at age 4. Benjamin tried to have fun, playing make-believe games with tree stumps and pretending the regurgitated balls of raccoon meat were his friends. Then, he found a new game, "base (pause) ball," played with a round ball, a round bat and a lot of chewing tobacco. He flourished, despite his tiny hands, often playing rover and hitting many a pluck. But, despite his years of success, a keen eye could still catch Benjamin glancing down at his tiny glove with a single tear in his eye and loneliness close at hand.

Mike Benjamin, 1992 Upper Deck

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Name: Dmitri Young
Team: Detroit Tigers
Position: Designated hitter
Value of card: If a loaf of bread is a nickel and a Coca-Cola costs 1 cent, it's less than worthless
Key 1901 stat: 345 games played before World War I
Where he's going, he doesn't need roads: One moment, Dmitri Young was playing in a game against the Indians in 2001. The next moment, the delicate balance between time and space was thrown off and Young was teleported to 1901, when many Indians still hunted bison in their native lands. Here he was, playing vintage "base ball" in an unfamiliar time against such players as Big Ed Delahanty, Turkey Stearns, Orator Jim O'Rourke, Amos "The Hoosier Thunderbolt" Rusie and Cyclone Joe Williams. These players had never seen a competitor like Young, a man with so much power, so much swagger, and so much necklace. Young played against these great athletes, dominating with every swing of the bat, every throw in the field. He would score many an "ace" (run), imploring the "cranks" (fans) to yell "Huzzah!" (hooray!) He was the ultimate "muckle" (power hitter) who thrilled the throngs with four-basers (home runs). But it wasn't his play that became his legacy; it was his role as the inventor of the afro that earned him timeless credit.

Dmitri Young, 2002 Fleer Tradition (Our Buddy Dmitri Young Week No. 3)

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Name: Alvin Kraenzlein
Event: Athletics Track and field
Medal count: 4 gold
Value of card: A spoonful of paste
Key 1900 stat: 41 splinters from hurdles
Closing ceremony: After today, all the medals will have been handed out, all the anthems will have been played, and one thing will remain clear: Michael Phelps sure is one sexy stoner. But some things about the above photo are not so clear. For instance:

• Why does Alvin Kraenzlein have a woman's haircut?
• Why is he running the hurdles in the middle of the Rocky Mountains?
• Is he wearing shorts, pants, or some sort of skin-tight unitard?
• Why is he wearing leather slippers at a track meet?
• Is he the only competitor? Where are the other hurdles?
• How did they have Photoshop in 1900?

Alvin Kraenzlein, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 14)

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Name: Frank Shorter
Event: Athletics Marathon
Medal count: One gold in 1972, one silver in 1976
Value of card: Three Barbie dresses
Key 1972 stat: 114 pounds
A manly competition: It was a steamy day in Munich, the streets covered in dust, sweat and the fallen dreams of so many athletes. The gaze of the world beat down as fierce as the sun, breaking most men who dared to seek glory in the refuge of the day. Through the thick air and unrelenting pain rose one man, a runner, but a runner who would never run from anything. Anguished step after anguished step he plowed ahead, an American on German soil. Past one, and then another, he ran. With each lunge millions held their breath, with each heartbeat he strode closer to the ultimate goal that no one, earthly or otherwise, could keep from him: a gold medal in the 1972 Munich Olympic Games' run-like-a-sissy-girl marathon.

Frank Shorter, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 5)

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Name: Bob Beamon

Event: Athletics? Really? How about "track and field," Olympic Cards?

Medal count: 1 gold

Value of card: 3 handfuls of Mexico City dirt

Key 1968 stat: World record long jump of approximately 417.6 feet

10 things Bob Beamon yelled while jumping: 

10) Cowabunga!

9) OOOOOOOOOOOO BABY!

8) Hola, Ciudad de Mexico!

7) This jump has parted my hair!

6) A.S. U.! Wait! S.U.A.! Wait! U.S.A.!

5) J-j-j-j-jockstrap!

4) This speed has me so high!

3) Oh em gee!

2) Takealookatmybulgeworld!

1) Heil!

Bob Beamon, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 3)

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Name: Charles "Charlie" Daniels
Event: Swimming
Medal count: 5 gold, 1 silver, 2 bronze
Value of card: Soggy cardboard
Key 1904 stat: 2 inches of shrinkage
USA! USA!: Welcome to Baseball Card Bust's first (and likely only) Summer Olympics Special. For the next two weeks, when you're not glued to the TV, watching men in Speedos get soaking wet and teenage girls in leotards flying through the air, you can find some of America's greatest athletic heroes needlessly being mocked right here on this page. Now, we're not anti-American       quite the opposite. It's just that we couldn't find any East Germany or Soviet Union Olympic Cards to ridicule instead. Let's get started!

Fun fact that we may have made up: After being ridiculed for this photo, Charles Daniels grew a long beard, took up the fiddle and wrote a song about the devil paying a visit to the state of Georgia.

His eyes are up here, buddy: There it is, plain as day. Right there, for the whole Olympiad to see. You know you're looking at it. Why can't you stop? Does it intimidate you? Are you mesmerized by the way it stands out, thanks to Mr. Daniels' sopping wet outfit? The worst part is, you know that after you leave this page, you'll still see it in your mind's eye. I mean, why would a swimmer have a foot with a winged sandal on his suit? Wait, what exactly were you looking at?

Charles Daniels, 1991 U.S. Olympic Cards (Summer Olympics Special No. 1)

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Name: Bob Lemon
Team: Cleveland Indians
Position: Pitcher
Value of card: One trip to the HR office
Key 1987 stat: 4,199 stories of hardship told to grandkids
Oh dear: What's the most offensive thing about this card?

A) Bob Lemon's high-riding cuffs. Have you no fashion sense, sir?
B) Bob Lemon's rumpled windbreaker collar
C) Bob Lemon's sour expression
D) Well, just look how off-center the border is! Sheesh!
E) Oh, come on. Do we really have to say anything?

Bob Lemon, 1988 Pacific Baseball Legends

Gil Hodges, 2002 Topps Bowman Reprints

Name: Gil Hodges
Team: Brooklyn Dodgers
Position: First base
Value of card: A photocopy of a penny
Key 1949 stat: One round head
Blinded by science: Here are the fun facts we can gather from this reprint of a 1949 card of Gil Hodges:

• Ball caps sure are a lot less dome-like these days.
• Baseball used to be played on Mars, hence the red sky.
• "Gil" wasn't just a name; Hodges actually had gills. I mean, what else could that weird lump on his right shoulder be?
• Hodges suffered from a rare congenital defect in which skin covered up his ear holes.
• The above line contains the word "genital." Heh.

Gil Hodges, 2002 Topps Bowman Reprints

Basketball Centennial, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Name: Basketball
Team: All of them
Position: Game
Value of card: A peach pit
Key 1991-92 stat: 100 years old
Fun facts about basketball as it was played 120 years ago:

• The game was played on expansive lawns, which made dribbling really tough.
• Regulation uniforms were three-button suits. Ties were worn by the road team.
• Despite the hoop being just 3 feet off the ground, white guys still couldn't dunk.
• It not only morphed into modern basketball, it also branched out to become Powerball on "American Gladiators."
• Nobody liked playing with James Naismith, so he always had to chase down his own rebounds.  
• People already thought Kobe Bryant was a jerk.

Basketball Centennial, 1991-92 NBA Hoops (NBA Playoffs Week No. 2)

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

Name: Ed "Eddie" Mathews
Team: Milwaukee Braves
Position: Third base
Value of card: One packing slip
Key 1961 stat: Zero times looking at the camera
Old-timey fun-timey pop quiz timey:

Why did the Braves franchise spend only 13 years in Milwaukee?

A) The Wisconsin Dells weren't that great, it turned out
B) Lactose intolerance
C) Sausage intolerance
D) Milwaukee intolerance
E) All of the above

Ed Mathews, 1962 Topps

D.B. Sweeney, aka "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, 1988 Pacific "Eight Men Out" Series

Name: "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, as played by D.B. Sweeney
Team: Chicago Black Sox
Position: Outfield
Value of card: Zero shoes
Key 1987 stat: N/A (Jackson was dead)
Top 10 rejected titles for "Eight Men Out":
10) "The Tale of Shoeless Joe and the Joe-ettes"
9) "The Bad News White Sox"
8) "Field of Bribes"
7) "Raging Bull Durham"
6) "Charles Comiskey Was Kind Of A Jerk"
5) "South Side Story"
4) "Shoeless Joe Actually Wore Shoes"
3) "Butch Cassidy and the Shoeless Kid"
2) "What Kind of Nicknames Are Sleepy, Hap, Chick And Swede?"
1) "A Baseball Movie Without Kevin Costner"

D.B. Sweeney, aka "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, 1988 Pacific "Eight Men Out" Series

2010 Topps History of the Game (2010 Week, No. 6)

Name: First Televised World Series Championship

Teams: New York Yankees, Brooklyn Dodgers

Positions: All of them

Value of card: One ha'penny

Key 1947 stat: One black player in all of Major League Baseball

Looking sharp in 2010: Man, these 2010 Topps cards look great. The colors are vivid. Look at that green. It's like you're watching high-definition TV, part of it in retro black and white. Wow. Amazing. With this set, collectors not only get one of the most action-packed shots in sports card history, they get a glimpse of high fashion, modeled by a TV cameraman. What this card doesn't show you are some of the game's fastest rising stars, sure to dominate the game well into 2011 and beyond. There's Arky Vaughan, Cookie Lavagetto, Erv Palica and Kirby Higbe on the Brooklyn Dodgers. Who knew they moved from Los Angeles? On the Yankees, you have Spec Shea, Spud Chandler, Dick Starr and Mel Queen. Expect big things from these future stars in the 21st century. And expect Topps to keep pushing sports cards into the future.

2010 Topps History of the Game (2010 Week, No. 6)

Carlton Fisk, Robin Ventura, 1991 Upper Deck

Names: Carlton Fisk, Robin Ventura
Team: Chicago White Sox
Positions: Catcher, third base
Value of card: $21 million in debt
Key 1990 stat: One "ground breaking" trip to the past
Cutting costs: Despite a recession in the early 1990s, White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf pushed ahead with building a new Comiskey Park for his team. The move put Reinsdorf in a serious amount of debt, leaving him with but one choice: cut back on spending during the 1990 season. Some moves were never publicized, such as letting Boy Scouts rent out Old Comiskey's rat-infested locker rooms for camping trips and refusing to pay Ozzie Guillen because he couldn't speak English. Others, however, were painfully obvious. Here, we see two White Sox players dressed in authentic 1920s uniforms — because Reinsdorf refused to pay for new ones. Robin Ventura, right, is wearing one of Moe Berg's old unis; Carlton Fisk, age 93, is wearing his actual uniform from the 1929 season. Reinsdorf, however, managed to spin the move as "throwback uniforms," a trend that still continues 20 years later.

Carlton Fisk, Robin Ventura, 1991 Upper Deck

Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 BaseBall Caramels

Name: Young Archibald Griffey the Kid

Team: Seattle Palestockings

Position: Second fielder

Value of card: Three shillings from the Old Country, good sir

Key 1989 stat: 'Twasn't statistics that were kept in a gentleman's game, 'twas feelings of good cheer

Griffey, circa 1886: In 2009, Ken Griffey Jr. returned to the Seattle Mariners for what could be his last season. This affords an opportunity to look back at "The Kid's" first year as a professional, 1886. Griffey was known as Young Archibald Griffey the Kid before changing his name to "Ken" before the start of the 1891 season. In 1886, Griffey played for the Seattle Palestockings of the Louisiana Purchase League. He hit two home runs, which led the league. As part of Major League Baseball rules in the 19th century, he always had a sandwich in his pants. Young Griffey was known to feast on delightful liverwurst while playing second fielder, one of the era's most important positions. Young Griffey had exceptional seasons in 1886 and 1887, but he lost the Most Valuable Gentleman award both years to his father, Sir Ken of the Griffey Clan, who first won the award in 1779.

Ken Griffey Jr., 1989 BaseBall Caramels